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Extra English 21 (The Entertainers) . 21

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ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy. You want to be a cat! Now Charley, say meow! [Sound of Charley barking] No Charley, lets try again. Meow! [Sound of Charley barking]. Oh, I give up. Oh here you are, Charley, good boy. Ah. I dont need a dog, I need someone more stupid.

Sound of door opening

ANNIE
Perfect. The boys. Hello boys, come and sit down.

NICK
What are you doing?

ANNIE
I am going to hypnotise you.

HECTOR
Hypnotise?

NICK
Yeah, you know. Hyp-no-tise.

ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy. You are a baby.

NICK
Mama, mama.

ANNIE
You are five years old.

NICK
He stole my toy!

Sound of slapping

ANNIE
You are twelve years old.

NICK
Hey baby, wanna dance?! Ha-ha.

HECTOR
Oh I know! Oh, it sounds fun!

ANNIE
Its not about fun!
Hypnotism can help you with your problems!

 

NICK
I dont have any problems!

ANNIE
Are you ready?

HECTOR

Ahm.

ANNIE
Now, close your eyes and relax.
Im going to take you back.
Ba-ck, ba-ck. And open your eyes!
You made it.

NICK
Well?

HECTOR
Have you done it?

ANNIE
Yes, all done. Now I am going to say a word to you and when you hear that word, you are going to react.

HECTOR
Ah.

ANNIE
Ready?

NICK & HECTOR
Ahm.

ANNIE
Butterfly. Anything?

HECTOR
Uh-uh.

NICK
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
No. Ha-ha!

ANNIE
Ill try again. Butterfly.
But-ter-fly.
BUTTERFLY!!

HECTOR
I dont think its working, Annie.

NICK
Youre very good. Ha!
No one can control the great minds of Hector and Nick!

HECTOR & NICK
Ha-ha!

Sound of laughter

ANNIE
So where did I go wrong? Ah. A hypnotic state can last for two days. Oh. So if someone says the word butterfly in the next two days. Ah!

Sound of voices on TV

HECTOR
Oh Nick! Why did you do that?

NICK
Its so obvious!
Sue is having an affair with Jims brother!

HECTOR
Dont tell me. Na-na-na-na

NICK
Hey look, its Bridget.

BRIDGET
If I said childrens parties to you, youd say

NICK
No thanks!

BRIDGET
Jelly, ice cream, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey.

NICK
Oh, pinning the tail on the donkey.

Sound of background party music/bursting balloons

HECTOR
Pin the tail on the donkey?

NICK
Great game!

HECTOR
Poor donkey.

BRIDGET
But not for the lucky children of the rich and famous.
At their parties they have elephant rides

HECTOR
So, they pin the tail on the elephant!


BRIDGET
Amazing cakes, top class entertainers. Parties like these can cost thousands of pounds, but listen to the laughter of these lovely children.

Sound of children cheering and laughing

BRIDGET
They love it!

CHILD
Give me that. I want that!

BRIDGET
Not now, sweetie, Im on television.

CHILD
But I want it!

BRIDGET
Be a nice child and go away.

CHILD
Give it to me!

BRIDGET
I said, get lost!

CHILD
Mum! She hit me!

BRIDGET
This is Bridget Evans, Channel 9, Knightsbridge.

CHILD
Get the police, mummy!

BRIDGET
Oh, will you keep your child quiet?!!

Sound of siren

NICK
Thats it!

HECTOR
What?

NICK
Childrens parties. Rich childrens parties.

HECTOR
You cant go, you are too old!

NICK
No, she said top class entertainers. Thats us. We will be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!

HECTOR
Dont we need an elephant?

NICK
No! Weve got you!

HECTOR
Oooh!

NICK
No. Hmmm!

HECTOR
Hmmm!

NICK
Yeah.

ANNIE [Composing email]
I am learning how to hypnotise people.

ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Ive tried it on Hector and Nick

ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!

HECTOR
I dont think its working, Annie.

ANNIE [Composing email]
But nothings happened yet.

ANNIE
A hypnotic state can last for two days.
Oh.

NICK [Composing email]
Hector and I are going to be top class party entertainers to rich children.

NICK
Well be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!

NICK
OK guys, what do you think of this?
Posh Parties make your childs party go with a bang.
We are top class childrens entertainers, we make them laugh

HECTOR
... We make them cry!

ANNIE
Its not like that, Hector.

NICK
Book Posh Parties for the best party in the world. Only millionaires need apply.
What do you think?

BRIDGET
I think youd be lucky to get one reply.

Sound of telephone ringing

ANNIE
Ooh!
Hello. Oh, yes, erm, this is Posh Parties. Who is calling, please?
Mrs George Ducas?!

NICK
Not the wife of Mr George Ducas?!

HECTOR
Who?

NICK
George Ducas, the Hollywood director.

BRIDGET
You know who it is, dont you!

NICK
Victoria, Lucass mother.

VICTORIA
Lucas, say hello to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!

NICK
Hi.

Electrical buzzing noise

NICK
Ah!

ANNIE
Hello. Oh, youd like to book a party for your stepdaughter.
Oh, she loves fairies. Well, I have just the fairy for you, Princess Nicky, oh and here she is!

NICK
Hello! Princess Nicky speaking. Oh yes, of course I know what little girls like! I used to be one myself, you know. Ha-hmm-hmm.
Oh, certainly Mrs Ducas, Daisys birthday on Friday, well be there. Bye-ee!
Oh no!

ANNIE
Nick, thats fantastic news! Its your first booking!

HECTOR
Yeah!


NICK
But I will have to go to the home of George Ducas dressed as a fairy princess! What will Victoria say?! Bah! Who cares! This is my chance to get into Hollywood.

BRIDGET
Erm, its the nearest youll ever get to Hollywood. Anyway, what can you do?

NICK
What can I do?

BRIDGET
What can you do to entertain children?

NICK
I can juggle!

HECTOR
So can I!

BRIDGET
Is that it?

NICK
No, I can do lots of things.
Anyway I will have my assistants, Hector and

ANNIE
Ah-ah-ah, Im working on Friday. Shes not.

NICK
Bridget.

BRIDGET
Oh no, no. Children and I do not work well together.

NICK
Oh well, suit yourself, its only the home of George Ducas, with the children of Hollywood stars!

BRIDGET
Celebrities?

NICK
Ahm.

BRIDGET
Oh, all right.
But Im not dressing up.

Sound of background atmospheric music

BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!

NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?

HECTOR
Ah, this is the last box.

NICK
Ah, great!

VICTORIA
Are you ready?

NICK
Ooh!

VICTORIA
Nick!

NICK
Oh!

VICTORIA
Princess Nicky.

NICK
Ha-ha, hi Victoria.
I mean, hello, Mrs Ducas, ha-ha.

VICTORIA
So, hows the acting going?

NICK
Oh, great, great, this is just a, a temporary job! Ha-ha.
Hmm, is George here?

VICTORIA
Hes next door, chatting to a few friends.
Erm, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Orlando Bloom and Jude Law.

NICK
Thats nice, yeah

VICTORIA
Mmm. Well, lets bring in the birthday girl.
Daisy, in you come!

Assorted background noises and accompanying music as children enter room

VICTORIA
Have a good time! [Sound of kissing]
Anyway, Im just going next door to have drinkies!

Sound of tittering laughter/accompanying music

ANNIE [Composing email]
This is so funny!
The good news is: Nick and Hector have got their first Posh Parties booking.

ANNIE
Youd like to book a party?


ANNIE [Composing email]
The bad news is theyve gone to George Ducas house, dressed as fairies!

BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!

NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Nick has made me help him with his silly childrens party.

NICK
Ha-ha! Hee!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
I dont like children. Worse still - Im dressed as a fairy!

VICTORIA
Have a good time!

NICK
Hello little fairies. My name is Princess Nicky. Hello!
[Clears throat] And this is Princess Hector-ina.
Ha-ha. And this is Tinkerbell. Ha-ha!

DAISY
Shes really old!

NICK
[Clears throat loudly]
Now, Princess Hector-ina is going to show you a magic trick. Ooh! Arent you, Princess Hector-ina. Ha-ha!

HECTOR
Now we are going to have a magical time this afternoon, arent we!
Now, would you like to meet Mr Whizzy?
Of course you would.

BRIDGET
Come on Daisy, come and meet Mr Whizzy.

HECTOR
Now Daisy, is Mr Whizzy in the hat?
Go on, put your hand in.
Not too far! [Clears throat]. Well, is he there?

DAISY
No!

HECTOR
No hes not. Now, give the hat a magic tap.

Thumping noise


HECTOR
Careful, youll give him a headache! [Clears throat]. Oh, who is this?! Oh, its Mr Whizzy! to Mr Whizzy.

Sound of children laughing

HECTOR
Oh, Mr Whizzy hasnt got any clothes on! Ha-ha!

NICK
Ha-ha-hah! Thank you Daisy!
Now, erm, Tinkerbell, stop that and come over here!

DAISY
Youve got hairy legs and a hairy chest!

NICK
Now Daisy, thats not a very nice thing to say about Tinkerbell!

BRIDGET
I think she meant you!

NICK
Oh, ha, now!
I am going to make someone disappear! Oooh!
Who shall it be?

DAISY
You!

NICK
Daisy, do you want to be part of the magic trick again?
Oh, Daisy! Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Magic Wigwam! Now Daisy, this is Princess Nickys magical wigwam.
If you go in there youll find a wonderful magical land!
Do you want to go in?

DAISY
No!

NICK
Of course, ha-ha-ha! Of course you do! Now in you go, come on poppet! He-he, get in, he-he. There we are! Marvellous! Ha-ha. Now, we say the magical word, Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Hey Presto, Ping!
Is Daisy still here? Oh, shes gone!
She must be having a wonderful time in the magical land. But its time to come home now, Daisy! Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Ping!
And hello Daisy.
Daisy? Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! Where did she go?

HECTOR
I dont know!

BRIDGET
Ill get the cake, shell come out then!


NICK
Where is she?
Where is Daisy!

Sound of hysterical laughter

BRIDGET
What a good game, Princess Nicky! Cant you remember where Daisy is, really, your mind is like a butterfly! Ha-ha-ha!

Sound of harp music/laughter

ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!

NICK & HECTOR
[Making chicken/type squawking noises]

Sound of children laughing

NICK
Ah-hah! The cake! OK, come out Daisy, wherever you are!

HECTOR
Weve got a surprise for you!

NICK
Shell come out when she see this!
Happy Birthday, Daisy, cue, Bridget! Whoo!

Sound of children laughing/squawking noises

BRIDGET
Whats going on?

Sound of mobile phone ringing

BRIDGET
Annie?

ANNIE
Bridget, I forgot to say, whatever you do, do not mention the word butterfly.

BRIDGET
Oh, why not?

ANNIE
Because its the word I used to hypnotise Nick and Hector, they might behave strangely.

BRIDGET
Erm, stranger than usual?

ANNIE
Yes.

BRIDGET
Erm, I think it worked!

ANNIE
Oh!

BRIDGET
So how do you de-hypnotise them?

ANNIE
Erm, theres a special word.

BRIDGET
What is it?!!

ANNIE
Erm, dragonfly, erm, bee. Oh, no, wasp, ant

BRIDGET
Dragonfly, bee, wasp, ant

BRIDGET
Nothings happening!

ANNIE
Ill be right there!

BRIDGET
Oh, hurry! Oooh!

Sound of screeching

VICTORIA
Oh, what the

NICK
Hey, Victoria, come and rock!

VICTORIA
What, why is
Whats going on?

NICK
The thing is, we were doing this magic trick and

HECTOR
... We lost her.

VICTORIA
Nick, how could you?!
Thats it, Im calling the police.
Police baby darling!

DAISY
Oh, wicked!!

ANNIE
She was in Princess Nickys van.

BRIDGET
So, have you remembered the word?

ANNIE
Oh yes, erm, caterpillar.

Sound of harp music

VICTORIA
What a mess! Im not paying you!

ANNIE
Well then, you wont mind that Ive put parking tickets on four Mercedes, five Ferraris and two Porsches, illegally parked outside.

VICTORIA
Oh, Catherine parked outside and Jude did too. All of Georges friends parked surely we can come to some kind of an arrangement.

ANNIE
Mmm.

VICTORIA
Very well.

NICK
Well, I didnt meet George!

HECTOR
It was a great party though and the money was good too!

ANNIE
Erm, youll need that for your fine.

NICK
What fine?

ANNIE
We had to tow your van away.
Im sorry, I didnt know it was yours.

NICK
What? !! Hey, come back!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie is reading her crystal ball, Bridget wants to meet a handsome stranger and what is scaring Hector and Nick?
EXTRA, dont miss it!

Extra English 21 (The Entertainers) . 21
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