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Extra English 29 (Camping) . 29

: Extra English 29 (Camping) . 29 .

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NICK

[Makes assorted noises]
Ooh/Aah!Ooh!

BRIDGET
Hello Nick. Have you lost a button?

NICK
Ahh! Ha hi Bridget. Huh-uh. Ive just practising. Ha-ha!

BRIDGET
Practising what?

NICK
I am going to join the SAS.

BRIDGET
Special Air Service?

NICK
Yeah.

BRIDGET
You? [Sound of incredulous laughter]

NICK
Whats so funny?

BRIDGET
Nick, the SAS is for tough guys! Real men who are fit.
Theyre highly trained.

NICK
I was in the Scouts.

BRIDGET
You [yeah] were in the Scouts?
[Sound of amused laughter]
Oh Annie, Nicks going to join the SAS.

ANNIE
Oh, thats wonderful, Nick. Erm, dont you need special training?

BRIDGET
Its OK, he was in the Scouts! [Sound of laughter]


Sound of TV being switched on

 

HECTOR [Introducing Camping Show on TV]

Hello. [Crashing noise]. Here in the National Camping Exhibition

ANNIE

Oh, theres Hector.

HECTOR

It is all tents, tents, tents.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

In every shape, size and colour.

ANNIE

And Eunice.

HECTOR

And we will be showing you the best

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

And the worst of camping.

HECTOR

So, stick around back to studio.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now Hector?

HECTOR

Oh, ha-hmm.

HECTOR & EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Ah ha-hmm.

ANNIE

[Impersonating Eunice]
Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags, Hect-or?
Huh!

BRIDGET

Calm down Annie, its only a television report.

ANNIE

I know but, well hes been working with Eunice a lot recently.

BRIDGET

And?

ANNIE

And well Im just worried that he, well, that she, well, oh you know!

BRIDGET

Annie, dont be silly, youve got nothing to worry about.
Although - Hector is a good looking man!


NICK

Yep, and shes a good looking woman.

ANNIE

Ooh!!

Sound of film music on TV

 

NICK

Brrr! Pow-pow-pow! Incoming, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy
I was watching that!

BRIDGET

Not any more. Go on, its late, back to your own tent.

NICK

Whats so funny?

BRIDGET

You, a scout! [Giggling noises]

NICK

Yes, so!

BRIDGET

I can just imagine trying to light fires.
Sound of twigs being rubbed together/match being lit

BRIDGET

Helping old ladies across the road.

Sound of traffic

 

BRIDGET

Tying knots.

ANNIE

[Giggling noises]

Sound of shoes being dropped

 

ANNIE

What was that?

BRIDGET

I didnt hear anything.

Sound of door being opened

 

ANNIE

Hello Hector!

HECTOR

Oh, good evening, Annie.


ANNIE

Dont you mean good morning? Where have you been?!

HECTOR

Oh, you know, for a couple of beers.

ANNIE

Who with?

HECTOR

With the lads.

ANNIE

Oh, so erm, when did the lads start wearing LADIES PERFUME?!!

HECTOR

Oh, I forgot, Eunice was there too.

ANNIE

Oh, so erm, what did you talk about?

HECTOR

Tents.

ANNIE

Tents? You talked about tents all night?!
Where? In her tent? Or yours?!!

Sound of door slamming

 

HECTOR

Annie! An

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Guess what? Nick is training to be in the Special Air Service.

NICK

I am going to join the SAS.

BRIDGET [Composing email]

He thinks its the same as being a Scout!

NICK

I was in the Scouts!

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector has been working a lot with Eunice recently.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now, Hector?!

HECTOR

Oh!

ANNIE [Composing email]

And he came home at 1.15 in the morning.


ANNIE

Where have you been?

ANNIE [Composing email]

A few beers with the lads, he said. Huh! I could smell Eunices perfume on him!

ANNIE

When did the lads start wearing LADIES PERFUME?!!

Rustling noise

 

HECTOR

Oh yes! Ive got it!

NICK

Oh, it was my turn for the toy!

HECTOR

No, youve got The Incredible Hulk.
So I get two turns.
Pow!! [Laughs]
Hey, Nick.

NICK

Uh?

HECTOR

What do you think of Eunice?

NICK

Ha! Well, she isnt an English Rose.

HECTOR

No, I dont think she is a flower.

NICK

No, its a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie.

HECTOR

Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl!

NICK

No. Eunice is more, erm

HECTOR

What is that plant that grows all over walls in England?

NICK

Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy?

HECTOR

Yeah, ivy.
Eunice is more like English ivy.

NICK

What do you mean?


HECTOR

Well she

NICK

Likes dancing?

HECTOR

No, no, she

NICK

Shes all over you?

HECTOR

Yeah.

NICK

Hah. Do you like it?

HECTOR

Mmm.

NICK

[Makes whistling noise]
I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo.

Sound of door slamming

 

BRIDGET

Whats so funny? Come on, share the joke!

ANNIE

Its Hector.

BRIDGET

Hector came home late last night, is that it?

ANNIE

He was out with Eunice!

BRIDGET

Oh, dont worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, thats all. Hey, thisll cheer you up. Look what I found.

ANNIE

Oh, its pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah.
Oh, and youre wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah.

BRIDGET

It still fits!

ANNIE

Ooh, look at all your badges!

BRIDGET

What was the Brownie law?
A Brownie guide thinks of others before herself


ANNIE

And does a good turn every day.

Sound of door slamming

BRIDGET

Remember the Brownie law, Annie.

ANNIE

OK. OK. Hello Hector, how are you? [Sound of kissing]

HECTOR

Fine.

ANNIE

Did you have a good nights sleep? What was left of it!

NICK

Dib-dib, dob-dob. Ha-ha. Whats all this then?

BRIDGET

It is the Brownie salute.

NICK

Ha! Thats not a salute! This is a salute. What do you think, Hector?

HECTOR

Well both salutes are nice.

BRIDGET & ANNIE

Brownies.

NICK

Boy Scouts.

BRIDGET & ANNIE

Brownies!

NICK

Boy Scouts!

HECTOR

What are you talking about? What are Brownies? Biscuits?

ANNIE

When Bridget and I were little girls, we were Brownies.
We went camping, we sang songs.

BRIDGET

We were given badges for good works.

NICK

Huh! Brownies are for girls! In the Scouts we survived!

BRIDGET

It was just like being in the SAS, wasnt it Nick.


NICK

Hah-huh.

HECTOR

But what are all those badges for?

BRIDGET

This one is for first aid.

HECTOR

Ah-hah, and what is second aid or third aid!

NICK

Hah-hah!

ANNIE

First aid is for helping people who are HURT!

HECTOR

How hurt?

BRIDGET

Like if they cant breathe.

ANNIE

Shall I demonstrate, Bridget?

BRIDGET

Go ahead, Annie.

ANNIE

Lie down, please, Hector.

Thumping noise

 

ANNIE

Now, this is called the kiss of life.

HECTOR

Oh-ho-ho, sounds good!

ANNIE

It means I breathe into your mouth!

HECTOR

Aha. Oh! [Sound of coughing]

ANNIE

And if you still cant breathe, I do this.

HECTOR

Well, that is Oh!! Oh!!

ANNIE

And I keep doing this, until you can breathe!


HECTOR

Oh!! Oh!!

ANNIE

Are you breathing yet?

HECTOR

Yes, yes, yes, I can breathe!

ANNIE

Ah! And that is my good turn for the day.

BRIDGET

Now Nick,, bites and stings.

NICK

No thanks.

NICK

Of course, when I was in the Scouts, I went camping.

BRIDGET

So did we.

NICK

Ah, but this was proper camping, survival.

ANNIE

What, like the SAS?

NICK

Ha! We had to live off the land.

BRIDGET

What? No tins of baked beans?

NICK

No.

HECTOR

Whoa!

BRIDGET

So could you do a survival test?

NICK

Yeah, no problem.

HECTOR

Yeah.

ANNIE

Right then. We will give you a survival test.

HECTOR

Great! What is a survival test?


NICK

Youll see, Just be prepared.

ANNIE

Ready for your survival test, boys?

NICK

Certainly am.

HECTOR

Aha.

ANNIE

OK, test number one. [Girls put on Australian voices]

BRIDGET

The jungle is full of horrible things that creep and crawl.

ANNIE

And some that wriggle everywhere.

NICK & HECTOR

Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

BRIDGET

Especially worms!

NICK & HECTOR

Ah!! Ah!! Ooh!! Ahh!!

ANNIE

OK. Test number two.

NICK & HECTOR

Ah! Ooh!

ANNIE

Food!

BRIDGET

You have run out of food, so you have to eat whatever you can find.

NICK & HECTOR

Egh?!

BRIDGET

Open very wide please! Ready?!

NICK & HECTOR

Ah! Ooh!

ANNIE & BRIDGET

Beetles!!

NICK & HECTOR

Ahh! Ugh!! Ahh!


ANNIE

OK. Test number three.

BRIDGET

Pain!!

NICK

Oh-ahh-ahh!

BRIDGET

I havent touched you yet!

ANNIE

Im sorry boys, you have failed the survival test.

HECTOR

But erm, in the jungle it is going to be different.

NICK

Yeah, we were just pretending.

HECTOR

Aha.

NICK

It wasnt real.

HECTOR

Oh-ho!

ANNIE

What? Like real camping.

NICK

Uh.

BRIDGET

Why dont we do it?

HECTOR

Do what?

BRIDGET

Lets go camping!

NICK

We havent got a tent.

ANNIE

Well, Hector can get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition.

NICK

Huh?

ANNIE

Well isnt tomorrow the last day of the exhibition?


HECTOR

Yeah.

ANNIE

And you and Eunice will be doing another report!

HECTOR

Yeah!!

ANNIE

Well then, you can buy a tent and come home early.
Oh, youll miss your drinks after work. Shame!

Slapping noise

 

HECTOR

Oh!

Sound of door slamming

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hector must be careful.
I think Eunice is after him.

HECTOR

What do you think of Eunice?

NICK [Composing email]

And he likes it!

NICK

I see trouble ahead.

NICK [Composing email]

And Bridget and Annie have been showing us what they did in the Brownies.
First Aid, for example.

ANNIE

Lie down please, Hector.

NICK [Composing email]

Huh! Thats for girls. Not like the Scouts.

NICK

Thats not a salute. This is a salute.

ANNIE [Composing email]

This afternoon Bridget and I gave the boys a survival test.

ANNIE

Ready for your survival test, boys?

NICK

Certainly am.

HECTOR

Ah-huh.


 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Test number one: are they afraid of worms?

BRIDGET

Worms!!

NICK & HECTOR

Ah!! Ah!

ANNIE [Composing email]

Test number two. Could they eat anything in order to survive?

ANNIE & BRIDGET

Beetles!

ANNIE [Composing email]

Test number three: pain!

NICK

Aagh!

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector is going to get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition and then we will really go camping!

BRIDGET

Lets go camping!

ANNIE [Composing email]

Well see who the real men are!

HECTOR

In the jungle it is going to be different.

Crashing noise

 

HECTOR

Oh, shush shush-shush, you will wake Annie. Shush! Hey, I have an idea. I must show you to Annie. Shh, shh. You know, I have a better idea. Ha-ha-ha! Come, come!
Come, you too, come, come.

Sound of door slamming/sound of clanging tent poles

 

HECTOR

Nick!

NICK

Ah!

 

HECTOR

Nick, wake up!

NICK

Oh, no more beetles! Ah! Hector?!


HECTOR

Nick.


 

NICK

Whats going on?

HECTOR

Ive got it.

NICK

Got what?

HECTOR

The tent!

NICK

Oh, thats nice.

HECTOR

Come on, lets put it up.

NICK

What?

HECTOR

The tent!

NICK

Oh, Hector! Have you seen the time?

HECTOR

No.

NICK

Its three o'clock in the morning!

HECTOR

Is it?

NICK

Yeah.

HECTOR

Really?

NICK

But wait a minute. Where have you been?

HECTOR

For a couple of beers and a dance.

NICK

Whats that on your collar?

HECTOR

Paint.

NICK

Oh, pink paint. Nice.


 

HECTOR

When Annie wakes up, she is going to be cross with me.

NICK

If she sees that on your collar, she will be. Have you been dancing with Eunice?

HECTOR

Ye-es

NICK

[Makes whistling noise]
You are dead!

HECTOR

But, when Annie sees that I bought the tent, she is going to forgive me.

NICK

At three o'clock in the morning?!

HECTOR

Late night shopping!

Sound of door opening and closing

 

NICK

Sssh!

Crashing noise/sound of Charley growling

 

HECTOR

It is OK, Charley, it is me, Hector.

NICK

Where shall we put it?

HECTOR

HERE!
[Whispering] Here, in the middle.

NICK

Guy ropes.

HECTOR

Ha? What? Guy Ropes, who is he?

NICK

No. Guy ropes. Ropes called guy ropes.

HECTOR

Oh, somewhere here

NICK

Ah!

HECTOR

Hey, look

NICK

Thats them

HECTOR

Ah-hah!

NICK

Tie them to the furniture.

HECTOR

Aha.

Assorted rustling noises

 

HECTOR

There, that is it.

NICK

Right, lets go to bed.

Sound of door opening and closing

 

ANNIE

Oh! What, whats this? Who put that there?!

HECTOR

Hi Annie, Ive bought you a tent.

BRIDGET

What is going on?

HECTOR

Well, do you like your tent? Eh?

NICK

Anyone for camping? Ah!

Assorted howling noises

 

ANNIE

Oh, its so cold!

HECTOR

Ill warm you up.

ANNIE

Did somebody say something?

BRIDGET

I want a hot drink!
We cant even make a fire!

ANNIE

And theres no water left!

NICK

How long have we been here?

BRIDGET

Oh, it feels like ages!

Assorted rustling noises

 

BRIDGET

Its so creepy.

ANNIE

Yeah. Very creepy.

HECTOR

[Snoring loudly]

ANNIE

Oh, are you tired, Hector? Did you have another LATE NIGHT with Eunice?!

BRIDGET

So whos going to go outside and get us some water.

ANNIE

Well I wont.

BRIDGET

Well I wont either.

NICK

Oh all right, Ill go, but if Im not back in ten minutes, you can have my Action Man collection.

BRIDGET

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off you go.

NICK

Uh-uh, oh!

Sound of howling/rustling noises

 

MRS JESSOP

Morning, Nick dear. Thought you and your friends would like a nice cup of tea.

NICK

Oh, thanks Mum.

ANNIE

Oh, thanks Mrs Jessop.

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new job. Hector receives a phone call from Lola and Annie is looking for trouble.

NICK

Its not Eunice, its not Debbie, could it be Lola?

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

 

EXTRA, dont miss it!

Extra English 29 (Camping) . 29
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