>> . - / Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

. - / Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery. .

: . - / Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery.

. - / Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

AUSTIN Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby. (moving behind the couch) I know what. I'll take the stairs.

Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs.

AUSTIN Maybe I'll take the escalator.

Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator.

AUSTIN Why take the escalator when I could take a canoe?

Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch.

VANESSA I haven't had fun like that since college.

AUSTIN I'm sorry.

VANESSA Why?

AUSTIN I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound.

VANESSA Always wanting to have fun, that's you in a nutshell.

AUSTIN No, this is me in a nutshell.

Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell.

AUSTIN Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind of nut has such a big nutshell? How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell?

Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy.

AUSTIN You're smashed, Vanessa.

VANESSA I am not.

AUSTIN Oh, yes you are.

VANESSA I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver.

They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at her. There is an awkward silence.

She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away.

AUSTIN I can't. You're drunk.

VANESSA It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just beginning to see what my Mum was talking about. (pause) What was my mother like back in the Sixties? I'm dying to know.

AUSTIN (sentimental) She was very groovy. She was so in love with your Dad. If there was one

other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But, unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed.

Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep. A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a

RED LIGHT FLASHES.

Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane.

BASIL EXPOSITION (on the picture phone) Hello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence. Thank you for confirming the link between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find out what part Virtucon plays in something called Project Vulcan. I'll need you and Vanessa to get on that immediately.

AUSTIN Right away, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Where is Vanessa, by the way?

Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure.

AUSTIN She's working on another lead right now.

BASIL EXPOSITION Then you'll have to go it alone. Good luck.

AUSTIN Thank you, Basil.

BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash;

AUSTIN (knowing) Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION Let me remind you that because of the unfreezing process you might experience flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.

AUSTIN Oh, yes. Thank you.

BASIL EXPOSITION There's one more thing, Austin.

AUSTIN Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful.

AUSTIN Thank you.

Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card.

INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE

Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin passes a piece of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy.

AUSTIN Paging Dr. Freud.

He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He opens it.

FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT

Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature camera/pendant.

AUSTIN (photographing) Give it to me baby. Super.

We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's holdings in a flow-chart fashion.

AUSTIN Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No!

One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under that we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie", and in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan."

We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core."

AUSTIN And I'm spent.

The front door opens. It's Alotta.

AUSTIN You seem surprised to see me.

ALOTTA I thought you'd quit while you were ahead.

AUSTIN What, and watch all my earnings go... (smug) Down the toilet?

ALOTTA What do you want, Mr...Cunningham, was it?

AUSTIN Call me Ritchie, Miss Fagina. May I call you Alotta... (pause) Please?

ALOTTA You may.

AUSTIN Your boss, Number Two, I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.

ALOTTA Virtucon's main interest is in cable television, but they do have a subterranean construction division, yes. How did you know?

AUSTIN (smug) I didn't, baby, you just told me.

ALOTTA It's for the mining industry, Mr. Cunningham. We can talk about business later. But first, let me slip into something more comfortable.

AUSTIN Behave!

MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SERGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL 66 Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto.

INT. JAPANESE BATH

She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on her shoulder, and enters the water.

ALOTTA Come in.

AUSTIN I'd rather talk about Number Two.

ALOTTA Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham? Come in, and I'll show you everything you need to know.

Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over.

ALOTTA May I wash you?

AUSTIN Groovy.

She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION. It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY."

ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC. SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS

trousers.

ALOTTA In Japan, men come first and women come second.

AUSTIN Or sometimes not at all.

ALOTTA Care for some saki?

AUSTIN Sak-i it to me!

Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink.

Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly woozy.

ALOTTA How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?

AUSTIN Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation.

A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin.

AUSTIN (reciting poem) 'Pardon me for being rude, It was not me, it was my food.

It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.'

ALOTTA That's very clever. Do you know any other poems?

AUSTIN (reciting in a lofty tone) 'Milk, milk, lemonade.

Round the corner fudge is made.

Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!'

ALOTTA (genuinely moved) Thank you, that's beautiful. To your health.

AUSTIN To my health.

ALOTTA Kiss me.

They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP.

ALOTTA Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

AUSTIN Is it about my teeth?

ALOTTA Yes.

AUSTIN Damn. What exactly do you do at Virtucon?

ALOTTA I'll tell you all in due time, after we make love. But first, tell me another poem.

AUSTIN I think it was Wordsworth who penned this little gem: 'Press the button, pull the chain, out comes a chocolate choo-choo train.'

ALOTTA Oh, you're very clever. Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man.

She glides over to him.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC: The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large conference table.

DR. EVIL Austin Powers is getting too close. He must be neutralized. Any suggestions?

FRAU FARBISSINA Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl, Herr Doctor. I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. Bring on the Fembots!

MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes and white go-go boots.

DR. EVIL Breathtaking, Frau. These automated strumpets are the perfect bait for the degenerate Powers.

FRAU FARBISSINA These are the latest word in android replicant technology. Lethal, efficient, brutal. And no man can resist their charms. Send in the soldiers!

SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to the FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the girls zombie-like.

When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots' bras and begin FIRING, killing the guards.

DR. EVIL Quite impressive.

FRAU FARBISSINA Thank you, Herr Doctor.

DR. EVIL I like to see girls of that caliber. By caliber, I mean both the barrel size of their guns and the high quality of their character...Forget it.

SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER

NUMBER TWO That would be the video feed from Kreplachistan.

Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS in the front of a

military vehicle.

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, Phase One is complete. The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two begin! Patch us through to the United Nations security secret meeting room.

INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM

REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK. The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed in ceremonial robes, etc.

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.

They all look up at the SCREEN.

DR. EVIL In a little while, you'll find out that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing. Well, it's in safe hands. If you want it back, you'll have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS.

DR. EVIL (frustrated) Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY Gentlemen, silence! (to Dr. Evil)

NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH;

DR. EVIL (angry) Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called 'mister'.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.

DR. EVIL Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen, you have five days to come up with one

hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set off the warhead and destroy the world.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY You can't destroy the world with a single warhead.

DR. EVIL Really? So long.

The screen goes BLANK.

DR. EVIL (to evil associates) Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer. (laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha. (slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha.

EVIL ASSOCIATES (laughing with him) Ha-ha-ha-ha.

DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES

(LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(louder again, and even more evil and maniacal)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(PAUSE) Ohhhh, ahhhhhh... (pause, quieter) Ohhh, hmmmm. (pause, very quiet) hmn.

There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the room, not knowing what to do with themselves.

DR. EVIL Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV.

EVIL ASSOCIATES Okay. Sure.

They exit the frame awkwardly.

INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ

Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN. There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks, etc.

We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis.

AUSTIN Hello, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up to speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan and is holding the world ransom for one-hundred billion dollars. If the world doesn't pay up in four days, he's threatening to destroy the world.

AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition. Only two things, scare me, and one is nuclear war.

BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other?

AUSTIN Excuse me?

BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other thing you're scared of?

AUSTIN Carnies.

BASIL EXPOSITION What?

AUSTIN Circus folk. (shudders) Nomads, you know. They smell like cabbage.

BASIL EXPOSITION (suffering him) Indeed...If we could get back to the business at hand. It's one thing to have a warhead, it's quite another thing to have the missiles to launch it.

AUSTIN Maybe these photographs are the last piece of that puzzle. (hands him the photos) I've uncovered the details on Project Vulcan. It's a new subterranean warhead delivery system.

BASIL EXPOSITION Good God, and underground missile. We've long feared such a development.

VANESSA When did you find that out, Austin?

BASIL EXPOSITION Austin did some reconnaissance work at Alotta Fagina's penthouse last night.

VANESSA Oh.

BASIL EXPOSITON Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. Any ideas?

VANESSA Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their facilities every hour. I suggest we pose as tourists and do site-level reconnaissance.

BASIL EXPOSITION Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin, I want you to meet somebody.

Basil waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY.

BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, this is my mother, Mrs. Exposition. She's in from Tunbridge Wells

in Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old?

Austin hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face.

BASIL EXPOSITION My God, Austin, what have you done?

AUSTIN That's not your mother, that's a man!

Austin begins tugging on her hair.

MRS. EXPOSITION Owww...my hair!

BASIL EXPOSITION Get away from my mother!

VANESSA Austin, have you gone mad?

The two guards come over and help Mrs. Exposition to a cot.

MRS. EXPOSITION (through pain) Who is that man? Why did he hit me?

BASIL EXPOSIION Don't worry, mother. Lie down. Austin, you have a lot of explaining to do.

AUSTIN I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man.

BASIL EXPOSITION Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother!

AUSTIN You must admit, she is rather mannish. No offense, but if that's a woman, it looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick.

VANESSA Really, Austin!

AUSTIN Look at her hands, baby! Those are carpenter's hands.

BASIL EXPOSITION All right, Austin, I think you should go.

AUSTIN I think if everyone were honest, they'd confess that the lady looks exactly like a man in drag.

BASIL EXPOSITION I'm leaving! (pause) Oh, and Austin?

AUSTIN Yes, Basil?

BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful.

AUSTIN Thanks.

Basil escorts his mother out.

VANESSA Austin, may I have a word with you?

AUSTIN Of course, luv.

VANESSA Listen, I know I'm just being neurotic, but I can't shake this suspicious

feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. Fagina. I mean, I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues. You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry.

AUSTIN Don't be sorry. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her. I shagged her rotten.

VANESSA (stunned) I can't believe you made love to her just like that. Did you use protection?

AUSTIN Of course, I had my nine-millimeter automatic.

VANESSA No, did you use a condom?

AUSTIN Only sailors use condoms, man.

VANESSA Not in the Nineties.

AUSTIN Well they should, filthy beggars, they go from port to port. Alotta meant nothing to me.

VANESSA (pause) Well, it means something to me. If you want us to have a relationship, you've got to be a one-woman man.

AUSTIN It was just a shag, Vanessa. You're everything to me.

VANESSA You just don't get it, do you, Austin? Good night. Welcome to the Nineties, you're going to be very lonely.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BURT BACHARACH Austin looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a list of names crossed out, with

comments written in beside them. Beside Jimi Hendrix we see "Deceased, Drugs"; Janis Joplin, "Deceased, Alcohol"; Mama Cass, "Deceased, Ham Sandwich"; Jerry Garcia. "Deceased, Gratefully"; Jane Fonda, "Square".

Austin looks at his old pair of Sixties-era canvas sneakers. He picks up his new pair&emdash; REEBOK SHAQ CROSS-TRAINER PUMPS. He pumps them too much and they explode.

Austin looks out his window at the lonely city below. We see the CDs he's just purchased, including SERGEANT PEPPER'S and BURT BACHARACH'S GREATEST HITS.

Austin goes over to the kitchenette and puts a can of unopened Campbell's Tomato Soup in the microwave and turns it on. It explodes in a shower of sparks and soup.

He puts the CD on a record player and drops the needle. The NOISE is awful.

Austin plays MORTAL COMBAT III. His fighter gets his head ripped off, and blood spews out.

Austin is genuinely frightened by this.

INT. BATHROOM

Austin attempts to use the Water Pik, but the head is too loose and water shoots all around the bathroom.

EXT. CAR - STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT

Austin drives alone and sad against the rear-projection of Las Vegas.

INT. CASINO BAR - NIGHT

Austin drinks by himself while a gaggle of EIGHT CONTEMPORARY YOUNG PEOPLE IN LOVE cavort. They look at him like he's a freak.

Austin raises a bottle of ZIMA as if to say "hey, I'm down with that". They shoot him sarcastic peace signs. Austin is pleased.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

Austin sits watching the TIME-LIFE The Last Thirty Years video on TV. Vanessa enters.

AUSTIN Hello, luv.

VANESSA Thirty years of political and social upheaval. The fall of the Berlin wall, a female Prime Minister of England, the abolishment of Apartheid, a fascinating tapestry of human strum und drang.

AUSTIN Yeah, I can't believe Liberace was gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming.

VANESSA Basil was very concerned to know where you were last night.

AUSTIN Out and about, doing odds and sods.

VANESSA I'll tell him. By the way, I've decided we should keep our relationship strictly professional.

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

We're in the middle of a group therapy session, containing six or seven FATHERS with their teenage SONS. It is emotionally charged. A lot of pained expressions and coffee in Styrofoam cups.

SON 1 (crying) I love you, Dad.

DAD 1 I love you, Son.

They hug. Everyone APPLAUDS. We see Dr. Evil and Scott.

THERAPIST That was great, Mr. Keon, Dave. Thank you. OK, group, we have two new member. Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr....Ehville?

DR. EVIL Evil, actually, Doctor Evil.

GROUP Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott.

SCOTT EVIL (into it) Hello, everybody.

THERAPIST So, Scott, why don't we start with you. Why are you here?

SCOTT EVIL Well, it's kind of weird.

THERAPIST We don't judge here.

SCOTT EVIL OK. Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time three days ago. He was partially frozen for thirty years. I never knew him growing up. He comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business.

THERAPIST And how do you feel about that?

SCOTT EVIL I don't wanna take over the family business.

DR. EVIL But Scott, who's going to take over the world when I die?

SCOTT EVIL Not me.

THERAPIST What do you want to do, Scott?

SCOTT EVIL I don't know. I was thinking, maybe I'd be a vet or something, cause I like animals and stuff.

DR. EVIL An evil vet?

SCOTT EVIL No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo or something.

DR. EVIL An evil petting zoo?

SCOTT EVIL (shouting) You always do that! (calm) Anyways, this is really hard, because, you know, my Dad is really evil.

THERAPIST We don't label people here, Scott.

SCOTT EVIL No, he's really evil.

THERAPIST Scott.

DR. EVIL No, the boy's right. I really am evil.

THERAPIST Don't be so hard on yourself. You're here, that's what's important. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

SCOTT EVIL I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

THERAPIST OK, Scott, no one really wants to "kill" anyone here. They say it, but they don't mean it.

The group LAUGHS.

DR. EVIL Actually, the boy's quite astute. I am trying to kill him. My Evil Associates have cautioned against it, so here he is, unfortunately, alive.

THERAPIST We've heard from Scott, now let's hear from you.

DR. EVIL The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

THERAPIST That's not true, Doctor. Please, tell us about your childhood.

GROUP Yes, of course. Go ahead, etc.

DR. EVIL Very well, where should I begin? My father was a relentlessly self- improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical.

Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the

age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to evil medical school. From there...

ANGLE ON THE THERAPIST AND THE GROUP. They are stunned.

PSYCHEDELC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Sock It To Me Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VIRTUCON HIGH RISE - NEXT MORNING

INT. HALLWAY - VIRTUCON

A TOUR is in progress. Austin, Vanessa, and other TOURISTS ride on an electric tram.

AUSTIN Since I've been unfrozen, I've had a rancid taste in my mouth. Do you have a piece of gum?

VANESSA (in her own world) Do you think she's prettier than I?

AUSTIN Who?

VANESSA You know who.

AUSTIN No! Don't lay your hang-ups on me, Vanessa. You're being very trippy.

VANESSA I'm looking at you, and the whole time I can't help thinking you had your willie inside her hootchie-kooch.

AUSTTIN Well put. Listen love, we can't keep having this fight. I'm an International Man of Mystery. Sometimes in the course of my work to save the world I have to shag some crumpet. It's all part of the job.

TOUR GUIDE Welcome to Virtucon, the company of the future. (pointing to large display window) Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items you'll find right in your own home. We make steel, volatile chemicals, petroleum-based products, and we also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand- painted theme plates for collectors. (holds up plate) Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.

The people on the tour APPLAUD.

TOUR GUIDE Coming up on the left, we have the Virtucon gift shop, offering a wide range of Virtucon licensed products. On the right, you'll notice a door that leads to a restricted area. Only authorized personnel are allowed beyond that point.

INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA

All the tourists head for the gift shop. Austin notices a SEVEN-FOOT-TALL SCIENTIST leaving the "RESTRICTED AREA" with a FOUR-HUNDRED-POUND FEMALE SCIENTIST. They both wear Virtucon coveralls.

AUSTIN I'll take him, you take her.

The seven-foot-tall male scientist goes to the men's room; the four-hundred-pound woman goes to the ladies room. Austin and Vanessa follow.

We hear from inside either washroom the sound of PEOPLE BEING KNOCKED OUT.

Austin and Vanessa exit wearing the scientists' coveralls over their clothes. Magically, the coveralls fit perfectly. They go through the doors into the restricted area.

INT. HALLWAY - RESTRICTED AREA

They approach the security GUARD.

VANESSA Austin, we don't look anything like our photo badges.

AUSTIN Don't worry, baby. I picked up a mind control technique during my travels to India. I learned it from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who mysteriously died of a disease that had all the hallmarks of syphilis.

Just watch me. Watch me, now.

They reach the guard.

GUARD Hi, folks. You're entering a restricted zone. Can I see your security badges?

AUSTIN Sure.

They flash their security badges to the guard.

ANGLE ON AUSTIN. WE PUSH IN SLOWLY AS AUSTIN CONCENTRATES, RAISING ONE EYEBROW AND THEN THE

other, back and forth.

MUSIC: Mystical Indian sitar.

AUSTIN (hypnotist-like) Everything seems to be in order.

GUARD (looking at the badges) Hey, wait a minute&emdash;

ANGLE ON AUSTIN. He redoubles his eye-brow-raising.

GUARD (trance-like, in Austin's English accent) Everything seems to be in order.

VANESSA That's amazing. Let's go!

AUSTIN Hold on one second.

Austin again does his mind control trick.

AUSTIN Here, have a piece of gum.

GUARD (in trace) Here, have a piece of gum.

He hands Austin a piece of gum.

AUSTIN Don't mind if I do.

GUARD (slipping out of trance) Hey! Wait a minute, that's my last piece of gum.

Austin does his mind-control again.

AUSTIN No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.

GUARD (trance-like) No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.

AUSTIN (mind-controlling) I'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.

VANESSA (irritated) Austin, we have to go!

She pulls him away.

GUARD (O.S.) (faintly) I'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.

Austin and Vanessa come to a door marked "PROJECT VULCAN - TOP SECRET." They walk through.

INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM

Inside, SCIENTISTS wearing head-to-toe radiation suits surround and inspect a huge diamond-encrusted drill bit.

SCIENTIST This is the strongest, sharpest drill bit ever produced by man. It weighs fifteen metric tones and can bore through a mile-thick bedrock of solid granite in seven seconds.

INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA - TOUR TRAM

A SECURITY GUARD and the tour guide take a head count. They notice Austin and Vanessa's empty seats on the tram. The guard speaks into his walkie-talkie.

INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM

SFX: ALARM GOES OFF

ANNOUNCER (on PA) Attention, there are intruders in the complex.

All the radiation suited scientists turn to look at Austin and Vanessa.

SCIENTIST Get them!

The scientist approach. Austin knocks two of them out cold with judo chops.

AUSTIN Judo chop! Judo chop!

Vanessa knocks two of them out using roundhouse kicks. SECURITY GUARDS flood into the room from the hallway. Austin and Vanessa take off through another side door which reads "VIRTUCON

STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY."

INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY

It is a room the size of a large gymnasium overseen by a large observation booth. Six STEAMROLLER go around a test track very slowly.

Austin and Vanessa hide behind one of the slowly moving steamrollers. Security guards enter the facility and begin fanning out in a search.

AUSTIN Our only way out of here is to drive out!

They climb up the back of a steamroller, KNOCK OUT the DRIVER, push him off, and assume the controls.

P.A. (O.S.) There they are!

Two SECURITY GUYS jump on either side of the steamroller. Vanessa wrestles the machine gun off on and pushes him away. Austin punches the other one off.

AUSTIN Hang on! I'm going to floor it!

He engages a lever. It goes only slightly faster.

TWO SECURITY GUARDS jump in front of the steamroller. They are acting like they're frozen, ad if in the headlights of a fast-approaching car.

GUARD Noooooooooooooo!

AUSTIN Where did you learn to shoot?

VANESSA Where did you learn to drive?

ANGLE ON THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUYS JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY AS IF "IN THE NICK OF TIME." THE

steamroller is now 8 yards away. The other army guy is still frozen in the path of the oncoming steamroller.

GUARD Noooooooooooooo!

VANESSA Austin, watch out!

AUSTIN (looking around) Where? Where?

ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE'S BATHED IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF THE STEAMROLLER, WHICH IS STILL 3 YARDS

away.

GUARD Noooooooooooooo!

ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA. AUSTIN IS FRANTICALLY JERKING THE STEERING WHEEL AND TRYING TO

downshift. SFX: Metal grinds. The shifter breaks off along with a gaggle of wares. He desperately jams on the breaks.

ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE IS FINALLY RUN OVER BY THE STEAMROLLER. THERE IS AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF

blood and guts.

By now, Austin and Vanessa are right by the door. They run out into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY

The coast is clear.

VANESSA Thank God, Austin, we made it.

AUSTIN Yes, act naturally and we'll split this scene the way we came in, Vanessa.

From behind, a HAND knocks Vanessa and Austin out. It is Random Task flanked by four SECURITY

GUARDS.

INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY

We see the aftermath. Several WORKMEN sweep up the blood and guts with large squeegees and brooms. One of them turns to reveal "Steamroller Accident Response Team" written on his jumpsuit.

Another WORKMAN leans down to the body with a hand broom and dust pail to sweep up blood. ZOOM IN on the steamrolled Army guy's ID tag, which reads "STEVE HARWIN."

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LOS ANGELES

It is a pleasant, Marcus Welby-like ranch-style house. We hear a PHONE RINGING.

INT. KITCHEN

A pleasant-looking MIDDLE AGED LADY answers the phone.

MIDDLE AGED LADY Hello? (pause) Yes, this is Mrs. Harwin. (pause) Yes, I have a son named Steve Harwin. (pause) Yes, that's right, he's a henchman in Dr. Evil's Private Army. (pause) What? Killed? (pause) How? (pause) Run over by a steamroller? Oh my God. Thank you for calling.

She HANGS UP. A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD enters.

FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD Hi Mom! When's Steve coming home? He said he was going to teach me to play ball.

MRS. HARWIN Sit down, Billy, I have some bad news. As you know, your brother Steven was a henchman in Dr. Evil's Private Army.

BILLY Was? What is it, Mom?

MRS. HARWIN Your brother was run over by a steamroller.

BILLY A steamroller? (bursting into tears) No, not Steve! Since Dad died, Steve's been like a father to me.

MRS. HARWIN I'm sorry son. People never think how things affect the family of the henchman. (hugging him) I love you, Billy. (to herself, out loud) I wonder if we'll be able to receive Steve's henchman's comp.

CAMERA PANS to a high-school photograph of Steve on the wall.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat

TITLE GRAPHIC: The Pad Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VEGAS - HIGHWAY

We see a Virtucon electric minivan humning along.

INT. BACK OF ELECTRIC MINIVAN

Austin and Vanessa are unconscious.

EXT. HIGHWAY

The electric minivan turns onto a dirt road that leads to a boulder.

EXT. DESERT - BOULDER

The boulder lifts up and the minivan drives into it.

INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL

The minivan enters a long cylindrical tunnel.

INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR

The minivan is being lowered on a high-speed elevator.

INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER

VIRTUCON ARMY MEMBERS keep watch. SCIENTISTS check clipboards.

DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina, check on our guests.

The electric minivan pulls up right next to the immense table. All the evil associates are present. Dr. Evil squeezes a tennis ball repeatedly. Frau Farbissina opens the rear hatch of the minivan and pulls out Austin and Vanessa.

DR. EVIL Welcome to my underground lair, Mr. Powers. Mrs. Kensington's daughter, how lovely. I believe your name is Vanessa? I'd shake your hands, except for obvious reasons.

VANESSA I don't understand.

DR. EVIL My hand, dammit! Look at it!

AUSTIN What's wrong with your hand?

DR. EVIL Don't try to suck up to me! It's a little late for that. I'm a freak!

Look at it, it's been rendered useless.

He moves his arm around to show them, but it's virtually normal, just slightly aged.

AUSTIN I'm sorry, baby, I'm just not grocking your head space.

DR. EVIL Oh forget it. As a fellow player on the international stage, Mr. Powers, I'm sure you'll enjoy watching the curtain fall on the third and final act.

A large telescreen comes on, showing the United Nations Secret Meeting Room.

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.

He presses a button on his chair panel. A giant canvas falls, unveiling an ultra-high tech diamond-bladed subterranean bore&emdash; the VULCAN. It is rather phallic.

AUSTIN (under his breath to Vanessa) Does that make you horny?

VANESSA (under her breath) Not now, Austin.

DR. EVIL The world's most powerful subterranean drill.

INT. UNITED NATIONS SECRET MEETING ROOM

ON SCREEN: Stock footage of volcanoes erupting and animated charts of magma squirting through the Earth's layers.

DR. EVIL (voice over) So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's hot liquid core. Upon detonation, every volcano on the planet will erupt.

The various representatives are ABUZZ. Behind the British delegation sits Basil Exposition. To his right, sits Mrs. Exposition with a hideous BLACK EYE.

AMERICAN UN REPRESENTATIVE Why should we pay him the money? He's only got one warhead and he's going to detonate it deep underground.

BASIL EXPOSITION (the light shifts towards dramatic as he speaks) My God, man, don't you understand? It won't just be active volcanoes, inactive ones will erupt as well. Seven-eighths of the Earth's land mass will be deluged with hot magma. Tectonic plates will shift, causing massive earthquakes. Imagine no United Kingdom. Think of it, no cricket, no tea, no freshly toasted crumpets smothered with Devonshire clotted cream, the diving mystery of Stonehenge. Imagine severing forever the continuity of Britannic majesty, the demise of this sceptered isle, this jewel, this England...

BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE Any word from Powers?

BASIL EXPOSITION (back to normal) I'm afraid we've lost contact with him.

BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE I see.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY Dr. Evil, it seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.

INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER

DR. EVIL Gentlemen, your deadline is in three hours. You have your instructions.

Good-bye.

The screen goes BLACK.

DR. EVIL Come join us for dinner, won't you Mr. Powers?

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

Austin and Vanessa are seated at a table with Frau. WAITERS serve food.

MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme

DR. EVIL I think you'll enjoy the food. I have the best chef in the world. His name is Ezekial. He's made of seventy-five percent plastic.

Scott enters.

DR. EVIL Scott my boy, come here. How was your day?

SCOTT EVIL Well, me and a buddy went to the video arcade in town and, like, they don't speak English right, and so my buddy gets into a fight, and he goes 'hey, quit hassling me cause I don't speak French or whatever', and the other guy goes something in Paris talk, and I go 'um, just back off' and he goes 'get out' and I go 'make me'.

DR. EVIL (trying to hide contempt) Fascinating. What are your plans for this evening?

SCOTT EVIL Thought I'd stay in. There's a good tittie movie on Skinemax.

DR. EVIL And that's how you want to live your life, is it?

SCOTT EVIL Yeah. What?

ANGLE ON A PANEL OF BUTTONS THAT HAS EVERYONE'S NAMES ON IT. DR. EVIL'S HAND HOVERS OVER THE

button labeled "SCOTT." Frau Farbissina slaps his hand away.

DR. EVIL Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

SCOTT EVIL Why are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

DR. EVIL In due time.

SCOTT EVIL But what if he escapes? Why don't you just shoot him? What are you waiting for?

DR. EVIL I have a better idea. I'm going to put him in an easily-escapable situation involving an overly- elaborate and exotic death.

SCOTT EVIL Why don't you just shoot him now? Here, I'll get a gun. We'll just shoot him. Bang! Dead. Done.

DR. EVIL One more peep out of you and you're grounded. Let's begin.

A PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIER grabs Austin and Vanessa. Dr. Evil hits a button. One whole wall slides out to reveal a tank.

DR. EVIL Mr. Powers, Vanessa, some friends of mine are joining us for dinner.

They're quite delighted you'll be part of the meal.

The soldier takes Austin and Vanessa to the tank and puts them in the dipping mechanism.

AUSTIN Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

DR. EVIL No, Mr. Powers, I expect them to die. Even after they pay me the money, I'm still going to melt all the cities of the world with hot magma. (to guard) All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily Slow-Moving Dipping Mechanism.

The guard do so. Austin and Vanessa begin to descend slowly towards the surface of the water.

DR. EVIL Release the sharks! (to the room) All the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

FRAU FARBISSINA (clearing her throat nervously) Dr. Evil?

DR. EVIL Yes, what is it? You're interrupting my moment of triumph.

FRAU FARBISSINA It's about the sharks. Since you were frozen, they've been placed on the Endangered Species List. We tried to get some, but it will take months to clear up the red tape.

DR. EVIL (disappointed) Right. (to Austin) Mr. Powers, we're going to lower you in a tank of piranhas with laser beams attached to their heads.

Frau clears her throat again.

DR. EVIL What is it now?

FRAU FARBISSINA Well, we experimented with lasers, but you would be surprised at how heavy they are. They actually outweighed the piranha themselves, and the fish, well, they sank to the bottom and died.

DR. EVIL I have one simple request&emdash; sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done? Remind me again why I pay you people?

What do we have?

FRAU FARBISSINA Sea bass.

DR. EVIL Right.

FRAU FARBISSINA They're mutated sea bass.

DR. EVIL Really? Are they ill-tempered?

FRAU FARBISSINA Please allow me to demonstrate.

Frau Farbissina throws a leg of lamb attached to a rope towards the tank, where the WATER BUBBLES and sea bass arch through the air. The sea bass devour the lamb. She pulls the rope back. The lamb has been eaten to the bare bone.

DR. EVIL Fine. Whatever. Mutated, ill- tempered sea bass it is. (to the room) Come, let's return to dinner. Close the tank.

SCOTT EVIL Aren't you going to watch them? They'll get away!

DR. EVIL No, we'll leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, and we'll just assume it all went to plan.

SCOTT EVIL I have a gun in my room. Give me five seconds, I'll come back and blow their brains out.

DR. EVIL No Scott. You just don't get it, do you?

Dr. Evil presses a button; the wall closes back over the tank.

INT. TANK AREA

Austin and Vanessa slowly descend towards the water. They can see the WATER BUBBLING beneath them.

VANESSA What's your plan?

Just then, a SEA BASS jumps out of the water, just missing Austin.

AUSTIN First, I plan to soil myself. Then, I plan to regroup and think about the next move. Any thoughts?

VANESSA Sadly, no. Hold on! I always keep this on me just in case.

She pulls out a container of dental floss.

AUSTIN All right, I get it. I have bad teeth. You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

VANESSA No, no, no. We'll use the floss to get to the ledge.

AUSTIN Smashing idea! Give it to me.

Austin takes the container and draws out four feet of dental floss and spins the container above his head like a bolo. He throws it and it wraps around a RADIATOR and it catches like a grappling hook.

Austin begins drawing out the floss to take up the slack. Meanwhile, the slow-dipping mechanism is edging towards the sea bass. Unfortunately, Austin is still drawing out the floss. He keeps pulling out floss.

More floss still. The mechanism continues to sink. Finally, the floss line goes TAUT. Austin ties it off high on the pole of the slow-dipping mechanism. Austin holds out his hand like a surgeon&emdash;

Vanessa places a tube of toothpaste in his hand. Meanwhile the guard is reaching to undo the floss. Austin places the open tube on his palm, aimed at the guard. Vanessa WHISTLES at the guard loudly. He turns around.

AUSTIN Judo chop!

Austin JUDO CHOPS the toothpaste tube, sending a stream of toothpaste into the guard's eyes.

GUARD (screaming, rubbing his eyes) My eyes! My eyes!

Austin folds the tube across the top of the wire, grabbing both ends.

AUSTIN Hold on, Vanessa!

She grabs onto him and they slide down the floss to safety right as the dipping mechanism goes under the water. Meanwhile, the guard waits for them with toothpaste smeared all over his face.

He and Austin STRUGGLE.

The guard manages to get Austin pinned to the ground, Austin's head dangling over the water. SEA

BASS circle. The water boils, dangerously close to Austin's head.

VANESSA (shouting) Austin, watch out!

Austin FLIPS the guard over. The SEA BASS chew the guard's head off like a blender.

AUSTIN Not a good time to lose one's head.

VANESSA Indeed.

AUSTIN That's not the way to get ahead in life.

VANESSA Yes.

AUSTIN It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

VANESSA Shut up.

AUSTIN Fair enough.

They head out a door. ANGLE ON THE HEADLESS TORSO. The name tag reads "JOHN SMITH."

EXT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT - DAY

It is a sports bar-type restaurant that has scantily clad BUSTY WAITRESSES.

INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT

At a table we see fifteen or so TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS, scouting chicks, drinking mugs of beer.

GUY 1 I can't believe John Smith is getting married tomorrow.

GUY 2 Where is Smittie anyways? It's not like him to be late for anything, especially his own stag party.

GUY 3 Well, you know he's a henchman for Dr. Evil. Sometimes they work late. Can I just say something that may sound a little sappy? I think it's a testament to our friend John that so many of his buddies showed up in his honor. There's a lot of love in this room.

A large-breasted WAITRESS approaches with a phone.

WAITRESS Hi, I have a phone call here for the John Smith party.

GUY 1 Hello? (pause) Yes, I have a friend named John Smith. (pause) That's right, he's in Dr. Evil's private army. (pause) What? He's dead? (pause) Decapitated by mutated flying sea bass? Oh my God! OK, thank you.

He hangs up.

GUY 2 (to Guy 1) Hey Bill, what's wrong? Was that John? Is he coming late?

GUY 1 Guys, John's not coming.

GUY 2 Why?

GUY 1 He was decapitated by mutated flying sea bass.

GUYS (upset) Oh no, oh my God, etc.

GUY 1 All right, to Smittie!

Everyone raises their glasses.

GUYS To Smittie!

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Out of Sight Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

INT. CORRIDOR

Austin and Vanessa drive a Dr. Evil golf cart down a brightly- lit, narrow corridor to a doorway marked "Emergency Exit."

VANESSA What do we do now?

AUSTIN We've got a freaked out square and world annihilation is his bag. You go get help. I'm gonna stay here and keep an eye on the bad Doctor.

VANESSA I'm not going anywhere. We're a team.

AUSTIN Too right, youth. That's why I need you to lead the troops.

VANESSA I'll hurry back.

AUSTIN Listen, Vanessa, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I feel bad about shagging that Italian girl. I had a sip of sake and all of the sudden, I don't know what happened. The whole time I was shagging her&emdash; I mean really shagging her, I mean it was crazy, I was like a huge mechanical piston, in and out, IN and OUT!&emdash;

VANESSA (cutting him off) Austin, what's your point?

AUSTIN Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that if you want me to be a one-woman man, well, that's just groovy, because...I love you.

VANESSA Oh, behave!

Vanessa goes out the door.

INT. LADDER

Vanessa starts climbing up the ladder.

INT. CORRIDOR

Austin tries to turn the cart around in the narrow corridor. He begins a twenty-seven point turn.

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

Dr. Evil, Scott and the evil associates finish dinner.

DR. EVIL Come, everyone, let us repair to the main chamber. Project Vulcan is about to begin. Scott, are you coming?

SCOTT EVIL I don't want to.

DR. EVIL Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

SCOTT EVIL (under his breath) Blow me.

DR. EVIL What did you say?

SCOTT EVIL Show me.

They all go towards a giant door with the radiation symbol painted on it.

INT. CORRIDOR

Austin's still trying to turn the cart around. PULL BACK TO REVEAL&emdash; The cart is completely wedged perpendicularly in the corridor. Austin jumps out and starts

running down the hall. Austin comes to a T in the hall and goes around the corner. He sees two GUARDS and ducks into a door.

INT. FEMBOT LAIR

Inside are SEVEN FEMBOTS lounging in various seductive poses on Sixties furniture&emdash; egg chairs, trapezes, round furry bed, etc.

MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme

AUSTIN Hello, hello.

FEMBOT Hello, Mr. Powers, care to have a little fun?

AUSTIN (looking at his watch) No, actually, I have to save the world.

He runs towards to door to exit. Suddenly, A PAIR OF FEMALE LEGS drop and wrap around Austin's neck and lift him up. His feet leave the floor.

Another FEMBOT cartwheels up to Austin. Nozzles pop out of the tips of the Fembot's bra.

AUSTIN Is it cold in here?

A cloud of multicolored gas spews from the nozzles. Austin is overcome. The room starts to spin.

INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER - CONTROL AREA

Dr. Evil sits into his chair with his radiation suit on.

DR. EVIL Arm the probe!

A small electric flatbed comes in carrying the nuclear warhead. A PHALANX of Dr. Evil's soldiers run beside it. The cart approaches the subterranean probe and the warhead is loaded up into its tail.

INT. FEMBOT'S LAIR

Austin is on the bed being held down by the Fembots. Psychedelic music plays. Projected colored swirling lights flash. The Fembots swirl around seductively.

AUSTIN (delirious) I've got to get Dr. Evil! (eyes closed, fingers in his ears) Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER

The (very phallic) Vulcan droops to its down position.

DR. EVIL Probe in place.

TECHNICIANS in "VIRTUCON" lab coats scurry about, being technical.

DR. EVIL Five minutes to go. Let the penetration countdown begin.

Dr. Evil presses a button marked "PENETRATION BEGIN." Next to it is a large button that says "ABORT." ANGLE ON AN EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN at a microphone.

EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN (on PA, very slowly, with very thick accent) Five minutes and COUN-ting.

EXT. DESERT

Vanessa leads fifteen COMMANDOS on ATCs across the sand.

INT. FEMBOT LAIR

Two Fembots guard the door and five are on the bed in come- hither poses.

FEMBOT You can't resist us, Mr. Powers. Eventually you'll give in.

AUSTIN Au contraire, I think you can't resist me.

MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme Austin starts his seductive dance. He does a quick head count of the Fembots, reaches out of frame, pulls out eight cigarettes, put them in his mouth and lights them with a blowtorch.

He throws seven cigarettes one by one. Each cigarette lands perfectly in a different Fembot's mouth. Austin smokes the remaining cigarette.

Austin begins to do a seductive striptease. The Fembots are aroused. He takes off his shirt, revealing his hairy chest, and focuses his sexual energy on one Fembot.

She begins to shake violently, her head shaking back and forth like in Jacob's Ladder.

Eventually her head explodes. Austin is now stripped down to his Union Jack bikini briefs and

turns to another Fembot. Her head explodes.

He takes off his shoes and throws them away cavalierly. Then he tosses down his lit cigarette and grinds it with his bare foot. He gives a look of disguised pain.

He mouths "I love you" to another Fembot. Her head explodes. He does the 'I'll call you' hand signal to yet another Fembot, whose head explodes.

Austin does a hip-thrust to another and her head explodes. Austin leans over and wags his rump to the two remaining Fembots.

AUSITN Oh, I fell over.

Their heads explode simultaneously. All the Fembots are lying on the floor, smoking. Just then, Vanessa enters, flanked by a COUPLE OF COMMANDOS. She surveys the scene and looks at Austin in his briefs. She's hurt. The commandos salute Austin.

AUSTIN It's not what it looks like, Vanessa. (to the commandos) At ease, boys.

VANESSA (glancing down) Likewise.

AUSTIN I can explain. They attacked me. Gas came out of her...well, and then they...and I...

VANESSA I believe you, Austin. Let's go.

AUSTIN Hold on a tick, let me put on my togs.

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

Austin and Vanessa lead FIFTEEN COMMANDOS into the chamber and GUNFIRE breaks out. Two CATWALKS run the length of the chamber, meeting at the door to the control area.

The commandos split into two groups and lob grenades at the PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS who are guarding the stairs leading to the catwalks. They go flying.

INT. CONTROL AREA

The ALARM goes off.

DR. EVIL Activate the blast shutters!

Metal shutters automatically cover the windows overlooking the probe mechanism.

DR. EVIL Launch the subterranean probe!

The giant probe engine begins to throb and whirl. The tip of the spinning probe suddenly strikes the floor of the chamber and burrows into the earth with atomic force. Smoke and debris explode upwards. The entire chamber quakes violently&emdash; eight on the Richter scale.

EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN We have penetration. Subterranean detonation&emdash; two minutes and COUN-ting.

INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER

Austin, Vanessa, and three commandos are pinned down behind several VIRTUCON BARRELS

INT. CATWALK

Another FOUR GUARDS block their way. Austin goes to shoot, but he's out of bullets.

SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA Austin and Vanessa run along the catwalk towards the control room. They're directly in the path of TEN CHARGING PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS.

AUSTIN Follow me! We're going to have to jump over the rail!

VANESSA Are you crazy?

AUSTIN Don't worry!

ANGLE ON SIDE SHOT OF CATWALK

They continue to run towards the guards behind some STACKED BARRELS. Two OBVIOUS STUNT DOUBLES run out from behind the barrels in a continuous motion instead of Austin and Vanessa and diver over the rail.

ANGLE ON THE OTHER TEAM OF COMMANDOS

They are making progress on the other catwalk.

ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA

They have landed safely, but are surrounded by FIVE PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS, armed to the teeth&emdash;

one has a bazooka, one has a flamethrower, one has a Gatling gun, etc. They see Austin and throw down their weapons, pulling out KNIVES.

One of the private soldiers runs at Austin and he stabs him. Another soldier runs at Austin, and Austin also stabs him. A third private army soldier runs at Austin. Austin does the stabbing motion.

SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA

AUSTIN Blast! Out of ammo.

Vanessa unleashes a series of kicks, knocking them all out.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Austin begins to enter.

VANESSA Austin, I'm coming with you.

AUSTIN I'm going it alone this time, Vanessa. I have a follow-up visit with the Evil Doctor.

VANESSA I'll secure the perimeter.

INT. CONTROL AREA

Austin enters the control area. A VIRTUCON ARMY MAN fires at him. Austin returns fires, shooting up some electrical equipment. Live wires dangle dangerously. Austin sees Mr.

Bigglesworth running out a read door.

DR. EVIL (O.S.) Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!

Austin heads for the door until he smacks into AN INVISIBLE FORCE FIELD. He turns and sees a bank of old-fashioned computers labeled "DESTRUCTACON 5000".

DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Good afternoon, Mr. Powers, I'm the Destructacon 5000. I'm programmed to prevent you from progressing beyond this point. You might as well surrender. Resistance is futile. Your odds of survival are 23,763,273 to

AUSTIN Well, Destructacon 5000, you have quite a head on your shoulders, I dare to coin.

DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Yes, I am programmed to answer any question.

AUSTIN Really? Let me ask you this. What is love?

DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) That does not compute.

AUSTIN Why not? It's a question.

DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Love is...love is...love is...

The computers begin to smoke. Alarm bells ring.

DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Remjack! Remjack! (singing) Daisy, Daisy... (faster) Remjackremjackremjack!

There is a muffled explosion. The computer goes dark. Austin passes through the force field and heads for the door until he hears&emdash;

EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Subterranean detonation&emdash; one minute and COUN-ting.

He begins looking furiously for the abort button.

AUSTIN (to Eastern European Man) Where's the abort button?

The Eastern European Man holds up his finger as if to say 'give me one second.'

EASTERN EUROPEAN MEAN (on PA) Forty-five seconds and COUN-ting. (to Austin) It's right over there.

Austin sees the abort button. It is across the room. Just then, Random Task enters. Austin sees him and goes to shoot him, but he has run out of bullets. Random task takes off his SHOE.

Austin makes his way across the room to the button.

Random Task THROWS HIS SHOE.

ANGLE ON SHOE SPINNING IN THE AIR

The shoe HITS AUSTIN IN THE HEAD. Austin pauses. The shoe has not killed him. It has just hurt him slightly.

AUSTIN Ow! That really hurt. I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? You fight like a woman.

EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Fifteen seconds and COUN-ting.

Random task blocks Austin's way to the button. He stands there, menacing, missing one shoe.

Exposed wires are everywhere. On the counter beside Austin is a Big Gulp.

AUSTIN Care for a drink?

Austin throws the drink at Random Task's feet. It lands in front of him on a pile of exposed wires. Electricity travels through the Big Gulp, up Random Task's wet sock, ELECTROCUTING him.

He begins to SMOKE, and then dies.

AUSTIN Shocking.

EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN Three...two...one...

A 50 kiloton explosion from deep in the earth rocks the control area.

EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - VOLCANOS ERUPTING

Different volcanoes around the world. Lava spews and flows.

INT. CONTROL AREA

Austin dives in SLOW MOTION towards the abort button. He flies through the air for an inordinate length of time.

AUSTIN (slow motion distortion) Nooooooo!

His hand lands on the button.

EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Abort.

EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - REVERSE VOLCANO ERUPTIONS

Lava, smoke and debris sucks back into volcanoes around the world. (Eruption footage run in reverse.)

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Having saved the world, Austin picks up a MACHIEN GUN from a fallen Private Army guy and runs to the door at the back, chasing Dr. Evil.

INT. CORRIDOR

Austin chases after Dr. Evil.

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

Austin bursts in, catching Dr. Evil packing a suitcase.

AUSTIN I've got you, Dr. Evil!

DR. EVIL Well done, Mr. Powers. We're not so different, you and I. It's true, you're British, and I'm Belgian. You have a full head of hair, mine is slightly receding. You're thin, I'm about forty pounds overweight. OK, we are different, I'm not making a very good point. However, isn't it ironic, Mr. Powers, that the very things you stand for&emdash; swinging, free love, parties, distrust of authority- are all now, in the Nineties, considered to

be...evil? Maybe we have more in common than you care to admit.

AUSTIN No, man, what we swingers were rebelling against were uptight squares like you, whose bag was money and world domination. We were innocent, man. If we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would have done things differently, but the spirit would have remained the same. It's freedom, man.

DR. EVIL Your freedom has cause more pain and suffering in the world than any plan I ever dreamed of. Face it, freedom failed.

AUSTIN That's why right now is a very groovy time, man. We still have freedom, but we also have responsibility.

DR. EVIL Really, there's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

Alotta enters. She holds a gun to Vanessa's head.

ALOTTA Not so fast.

DR. EVIL Well, it seems the tables have turned, Mr. Powers.

Just then, Scott Evil enters.

SCOTT EVIL Hey, Dad, I can take my Sega, right?

Austin grabs Scott and puts the gun to his head.

AUSTIN It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

DR. EVIL Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care.

AUSTIN Man, you are one chilly square!

SCOTT EVIL Dad, we just made a breakthrough in group!

DR. EVIL I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent.

SCOTT EVIL I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab.

DR. EVIL Scott, don't say that...

Scott runs off. In the confusion, Vanessa KNOCKS the gun out of Alotta's hands. Alotta pulls out a knife. Austin SHOOTS the knife out of her hand. Vanessa grabs Alotta by the throat.

VANESSA This is for sleeping with my man, you whore!

ALOTTA I didn't sleep with him.

VANESSA I don't believe you.

ALOTTA (choking) It's the teeth.

VANESSA OK, I believe you. But you still must be chopped.

Vanessa gives her a judo chop.

VANESSA Judo chop!

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil has run to the egg shaped rocket, which closes and begins to lift up through

A HOLE IN THE CEILING. HE RUNS IN. ON THE WAY, HE FLIPS A SWITCH WHICH SAYS "SELF-DESTRUCT -

5:00 MINUTES."

EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.) (on PA) Five minutes to self-destruct and COUN-ting.

Austin SHOOTS and misses. Rocket exhaust pours out of the hole in the ceiling.

AUSTIN Let's split!

Austin and Vanessa run out the door into the...

INT. CORRIDOR

They pass Number Two, who is front of an open safe, stuffing his pockets with cash while the others are trying to escape. Austin and Vanessa run to the main chamber...

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

...to the main corridor...

INT. MAIN CORRIDOR

...past the Fembot lair, over the wedged-in cart, to the escape ladder. They begin to climb.

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

Explosions, debris, the cavern begins to collapse.

134 STOCK FOOTAGE - DESERT FLOOR - MERCURY TEST SIGHT

Ground caving in from an underground nuclear explosion.

EXT. RAFT - MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN - DAY

Austin and Vanessa are floating in a large inflatable raft.

FIERY DEBRIS falls in the water around them.

VANESSA I have something to tell you.

AUSTIN Lay it on me.

VANESSA I love you, Austin.

AUSTIN That's fab, because I love you, too, Vanessa.

VANESSA Kiss me.

AUSTIN Behave!

Austin and Vanessa draw towards each other, preparing for a passionate kiss. Just as their lips are about to touch, however, they are interrupted by a strong WIND and the noise of a HELICOPTER OVERHEAD. Their hair is blown all about and the waves are whipped into a frenzy.

AUSTIN Just when things were getting interesting.

ANGLE ON BASIL EXPOSITION WEARING SCUBA GEAR, BEING LOWERED ON A ROPE FROM THE HELICOPTER. HE

stops just above them.

BASIL EXPOSITION Well, Austin, you've stopped Dr. Evil from destroying the world with his subterranean nuclear probe, and somehow you and Agent Kensington managed to escape unscathed from his evil lair.

AUSTIN I'd say that about sums it up, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION Not quite, actually. Vanessa, I have something for you.

Basil hands Vanessa an official-looking set of leather-bound credentials.

BASIL EXPOSITION Because of your exemplary service to Her Majesty, you are now officially an active Field Agent with all the privileges and responsibilities thereof.

VANESSA Thank you, Exposition. I'm honored.

AUSTIN Congratulations, Field Agent Kensington!

BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I have something for you as well.

He hands him a business card.

BASIL EXPOSITION Here's the number of my dentist, he's first rate. Ring him up, he'll look after you.

AUSTIN Thanks, Basil. Maybe the Nineties aren't so bad after all.

VANESSA Oh, Austin.

Austin and Vanessa embrace and kiss.

BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, now, about your next mission&emdash; Still kissing Vanessa, Austin motions with his thumbs to the pilot of the helicopter to lift Basil up. He rises away in mid- sentence.

BASIL EXPOSITION (rising up) But, wait, I&emdash; you got me again. Oh, and Austin&emdash;

AUSTIN (calling out) Yes Basil?

BASIL EXPOSITION (rising) Be careful!

Austin and Vanessa kiss again. The helicopter blows them around. The CAMERA TILTS UP to the sky and continues to rise, until we are in&emdash;

EXT. SPACE

We see DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE in orbit around the Earth.

DR. EVIL (V.O.) I'll get you yet, Austin Powers!

END CREDITS ROLL

LAST CREDIT reads "SEE AUSTIN POWERS IN YOU ONLY FLOSS ONCE."

AUSTIN POWERS LOGO

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Now you can get all the Austin Powers movies in one Laser Disk box set!

Virtucon Home Video presents "The Powers Collection."

DISPLAY TABLE

With five laser Disks laid out, alongside a PK-47, Austin's glasses, and floss and a toothbrush.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Relive all your favorite Austin Powers movies, including...

141 GRAINY, BLACK & WHITE CLIP

Showing Mike as Austin Powers, with Fifties hair and suit, against a rear projection of explosions and stunts from stock footage.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Middle Name: Danger.

AUSTIN So, Dr. Evil, do you expect the world to pay the ransom?

DR. EVIL No, Mr. Powers, I expect them to die.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) No Austin Powers collection would be complete without some of the later hits, like...

SEVENTIES FILM CLIP

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Four Eyes Only.

We see Austin from behind, talking to a GIRL in a bathing suit.

GIRL IN BATHING SUIT

Oh, Austin, kiss me.

He turns around. It's Austin Powers, played by ROGER MOORE, with the same glasses and bad teeth.

ROGER MOORE Oh, behave!

He does a frightening grin, displaying the AWFUL TEETH.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) We've also included some of the more obscure hits, like...

143 VERY RUNNY COLOR FILM CLIP

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) From India With Affection.

We see Austin Powers played by an INDIAN GENTLEMEN, same glasses, same bad teeth.

INDIAN AUSITN (Indian accent) Well, my good fellow, are you expecting me to pay the ransom to you, you despot?

INDIAN DR. EVIL (Indian accent) No kind sir, I expect you to go up in the evolutionary chain. But first, I expect you to sing.

INDIAN AUSTIN (singing, Indian atonal) 'IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE, LET'S BAKE A CAKE.'

DISPLAY TABLE

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) All the Austin Powers adventures in one Laser Disk boxed set!

145 CLIPS FROM MOVIE - AUSTIN IN TIGHT CLOSE-UP

AUSTIN Behave!

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