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- / Catwoman ( 2)

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- / Catwoman

CATWOMAN Every woman can be a Catwoman. But the whip thing is mine. Got it?

COPYCATWOMAN I don't see why everyone can't just..

Catwoman cuts her off with a cat-shriek that sends Copycatwoman running away whimpering. Real Catwoman smiles down to the sight of a nervously shaking Frank tied into a stretched position in four directions across a craps table. A round hole in his shirt has been scissored out. His hairy, pot-belly hangs out like a popped but unwiped pimple.

Catwoman then comes to the sight of the Sweet Gen-X girl who was dumped on the street. She has catted herself up in a shredded wedding dress. She is holding a pipe over a large pleading, kneeling construction worker's head.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER Come on, just because I whistled at some girl, I have to be savagely beaten? It's not my fault, I was never taught to adequately appreciate women..

CATBRIDE Okay, I'll just hit you once.


Catbride clangs him to the ground. A FRIGHTENED ACCOUNTANT tries to crawl past. Catbride is ready to bonk him when Catwoman intervenes.

CATWOMAN Take it easy, tiger.

CATBRIDE I've been dumped by two supposedly serious boyfriends in the last month! Don't tell me to take it easy..

CATWOMAN Hey, hey, there are bigger problems for women that the stupidity and cruelty of men.

CATBRIDE Name two.

Catbride springs forward tackling a FLEEING MAN three times her size and begins tearing at him. Laughing, Catwoman hauls her off.

Suddenly, two sets of POLICE OFFICERS (one set led by the Chief) converge from opposite directions, pulling out their guns. In one spectacular move, Catwoman simultaneously swings back her arms and cracks both her whips into the opposing lead cops, stinging them to the ground. Everybody else retreats in terror.

Didi-Tabby, Kelly-Kat, and all other Catwomen wobble forth in awe, to lay at the feet of the master. Since our Catwoman is the only one who makes an effort to speak in a slightly different voice, she is unnoticed as Selina.

KELLY It's Catwoman!

CATWOMAN Yes. "The one and only."

DIDI-TABBY How are we doing? Did we do okay? What do we do now?

CATWOMAN It seems you've all had a heck of an evening, but you probably should quit while you're ahead. It's getting late and it's probably safer if everyone just goes home and...

Catwoman turns to a portable radio on the ground.

DJ OINK (RADIO) You got Oink Jackson on WPIG and I never thought I'd say this, but I've found a group of people more annoying and worthless than women-- Catwomen!

CATWOMAN On second thought, who's up for a nightcap?


DJ Pig stands and sneers into a big Mike.

DJ PIG The whole city is in a panic over those chicks and I say Puh-leeze! You wanna see a hundred angry and twisted women, talk to my ex-wives. As for the whining, pathetic X-chromosomes catting around tonight-- fill in the missing letter P..M--- Oh, we have a caller...

CATWOMAN'S VOICE Oh Oink, I've finally found a man with the courage to tell the truth about women...


Catwoman is comically leaned in a phone booth, other Catwomen tightly surrounding the glass.

CATWOMAN I'd really love to discuss the subject further--what's your address...


The Water is squeezed off. In a brutal follow-up march down the street, the Superheroes hoist up incredibly cool tranquilizer guns and fire away with remarkable Inhumane Society skill at the soaked, frazzled felines.

The familiar faces get blasted from liberated euphoria to instant falling coma--the hair-as-a-whip Cat, the Twin Overweight Catwomen, the Persian, the Wheelchaired Catwoman, along with some new ones: A HOMELESS TOMCATWOMAN. A HAIRLESS CATWOMAN.


MAMMOTH A hunting we will go, a hunting we will go...

ADONIS Ah, Cats. Now and Forever.

CACTUS (Elmer Fudd) Be verwy, verwy, quiet; I'm hunting Catwomen.

SPOOKY Cactus, watch out for that Siamese behind you...

Cactus turns to SIAMESE TWIN CATWOMEN behind him, tucked into the same Siamese fur-resembling outfit. He fires a dart between them, sending them both crumbling.

Last but Most, Adonis fires a dart at the thudding forward Gargantuan Catwoman. She keeps thudding forward. The rest of the superheroes fire their weapons. She keeps thudding...then savagely timbers to the ground. The Cult of Good sigh in relief.

CAPTAIN GOD The Tranquilizer Tranquility will hold for about an hour..where is she? These women are out here on a lark-- Ladies Night at a discotheque. It's not in their blood the way it is for Catwoman...Where is she?

SPOOKY I hate it when you get like this. This Catwoman is becoming an obsession. I say we call it a night. Tomorrow is a big day for us...

CAPTAIN GOD What's the matter with you, Spooky, my most trusted comrade? We are warriors! These are the challenges we live for!

CACTUS Oh mon Capitaine, you might want to come over here...

Cactus stands by a golf cart with its radio blaring.

DJ OINK (RADIO) Oh you hot tease, what kind of surprise do you have for me?

CATWOMAN (RADIO) Now if I told you, it wouldn't be a...

DJ OINK (RADIO) Don't say anymore, babe. Just bring it on, bring it on...

CAPTAIN GOD I recognize that purr anywhere...Let's do some good.


The familiar Catwomen from the casino plow from a rooftop door. On the rooftop across from them towers a neon antennae blazing WPIG. Commandeered by Catwoman, the Catwomen extend out a wide wooden plank to connect up the two buildings. Catwoman catches sight of the earlier-seen High School Girls adorably dressed as matching kitties. Catwoman gets stern.

CATWOMAN Wait, wait, you three. You're not cats, you're kittens, go home.

HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL KITTENS No way, all we did was soap our sexist science teacher's car. We're still hungry...

Giggling, the kittens scamper across the wooden plank. Just then, Adonis whooshes up between the two buildings in his jet-pack, cradling DJ Oink in his arms.

DJ OINK So long, suckers...



Just as the Catwomen angrily process the sight of the fleeing D.J., they look out across to the opposite roof. Mammoth has emerged and is slamming a pick-axe down at the High School Kittens, who are all futilely rolling across the rooftop trying not to get impaled.

MAMMOTH Kitties...Kitties...

CATWOMAN Come on, Catwomen...!

Catwoman turns to see the rest of the crew wagging away in fear through the rooftop door. Catwoman sighs.


Mammoth has one of the kittens cornered. He comes down hard with his pick-axe. Catwoman whip-wraps the pick-axe and tears it away. She then hurls another squadron of her sharp ballerina figurines. They stick harmlessly into Mammoth's boosted-up shield. She whips lifelessly against the shield as Mammoth fe-fi-fo-fums forward.

The women go into a football-style huddle. They break with a simultaneous hand-clap. They all charge Mammoth at once, pounding, leaping, tearing onto him, despite his shield. He tips, tips back. Over the edge. He grips up with one hand. His shield falls.


The earlier-seen Grungie Ex-Boyfriend and Yuppie Ex-Boyfriend accidentally run into a face-to-face recognition.

BOTH MEN Hey, you're the guy who...

The ex-boyfriends simultaneously look up and get plastered by the falling invisible shield, crushing them below frame. The Catbride strolls up and smiles down to her crumpled Ex-es.

CATBRIDE Wow, what a coincidence--two guys of different social backgrounds getting nailed into the ground by the same piece of multi-strength plexiglass.


Mammoth hangs by his fingertips, looking up with baby eyes. All the girls melt.

MAMMOTH Mammoth no want to die. Help Mammoth please.

HIGH SCHOOL KITTEN Oh...Poor little guy...

CATWOMAN Ah, my adorable kittens. Word of advice. When choosing between you and the person who wants to hurt you. Choose you! Kill Baldy!

After a millisecond of contemplation, with baby cougar rage, the girls all wildly stomp on Mammoth's hand. He drops with a howl.


Moaning Mammoth crashes down atop the yuppie's BMW golf cart, demolishing it to dust, but setting off its annoying cart alarm.


Catwoman lowers the Kittens onto a fire escape.


HIGH SCHOOL KITTEN Thank you, Catwoman. Sorry for not listening to you before..

CATWOMAN (mock-unsentimental) Go on, get out of here...

CAPTAIN GOD So sweet. Protecting your litter. You can't tell, but I'm smiling.

Captain God pleasantly traipses across the roof toward Selina. No Hurry. As they speak, they curiously circle each other, before relaxing into a closer and closer standing position at the edge of the roof, like honeymooners by the rail of a cruise ship.

CAPTAIN GOD Hasn't anyone ever taught you that fighting violence with violence solves nothing.

CATWOMAN It's a lot more fun than fighting violence with pamphlets. That voicebox of yours is a hoot. Say "I'm wearing no underwear"--it'll be funny.. (getting serious) You do know you're evil, don't you?

CAPTAIN GOD A superhero's job is to protect society. Don't blame me if society is a horrible, corrupt joke.

CATWOMAN (imitating him) "A superhero's job is to protect.." Sorry, I can't take you seriously...I overheard you say that tomorrow the Cult of Good will be dead--I should be so lucky--what did that mean?

CAPTAIN GOD My, those little ears pick up a lot. The Cult of Good will die heroically preventing a world-class heist. Since we will be the ones performing the heist, our deaths will obviously be fake. But have no fear. There will be many other deaths tomorrow...and those will be quite real. I'm afraid these questions of yours put you in a position not unlike a long-tailed tabby in room full of rocking chairs.

CATWOMAN Oh please, sir, one more. Are you the reporter or the architect?

CAPTAIN GOD Yes. I am the reporter or the architect. (regarding outfit) You've been through so much..It looks like you've used up all nine of your lives...

CATWOMAN I still have one left...

CAPTAIN GOD You think so?...Selina?

CATWOMAN You've seen me...

Captain God suddenly savagely slams his power glove around Catwoman's throat in a completely incapacitating strangle. In her death throes, Catwoman's disoriented POV has the Captain's Helmet do a fantasy dissolve to reveal Brock Leviathan, wearing the rest of the uniform, seething in his own voice.

BROCK AS CAPTAIN GOD The world has demanded that men get in touch with their feelings. That we look deep inside ourselves. Well, we have! And you're not going to like what we have found! You expected us to soften. To become more human. The New Male. The New Male is like the metric system. It will never happen here!

Catwoman's POV does a wobble and suddenly it's a helmetless Lewis Lane, who is strangling and snarling.

LEWIS LANE AS CAPTAIN GOD You tried to weaken us. Sap our energy. And it almost worked. Men realize more than ever we have to go for the win. Whatever you said we were too much of, we have to become more of. Violent. Domineering. Uncaring. We're taking back lost ground!


A SPECTACULARLY, FLAMBOYANTLY DONE UP CATWOMAN, which the savvy viewer will be able to discern as Selina's Mom, is slinking across the roof across the way with a grand bow and arrow. She raises it up.


Back to complete reality, mystery man Captain God "kisses" the temple of the life-drained Catwoman, still taunting through his voicebox.

CAPTAIN GOD The great thing is that even as I kill you, you find me more attractive than ever. You like the danger, the power, the mystery of my cruelty...

A bolt arrow slams through the power glove with a nasty spark. Staggering back, Captain God unleashes Catwoman's throat in (amusing-through-the-voice-box) outraged agony. Gasping, Catwoman, heels God in the knee, crippling him, then does a 360 spin kick into his bonging neck. She dashes to the edge of the roof to see Spectacular Catwoman zipping away.


Captain God aches upward. Catwoman runs over him like carpet and pounds to the fire escape. God rasps into his wrist.

CAPTAIN GOD She's coming down.

Captain God re-collapses.


In his hearty jet-pack, Adonis streams over the tranquil street strewn with the tranquilized Catwomen. He smiles over his evening accomplishments. His POV passes Catwoman standing placidly in an alley. He reverse-floats back. She is waving.

ADONIS Here, kitty, kitty..

Adonis thunders forward full-throttle right at a completely unmoving Catwoman in the narrow alley. The viewer gets his rocketing POV--until the POV suddenly stops in mid-air with an outrageous crashing sound. Another view reveals that Adonis has crashed smack dab into Mammoth's shield, which has been wedged into the mouth of the alley.

Adonis crashes back onto his pack. Didi-Tabby, Kelly-Kat, the High School Kittens, and the Catbride emerge from hiding positions to congratulate. Catwoman tosses away the shield.

Achingly smitten despite her recent empowerment, Didi-tabby sighs down to the sleeping Adonis. She bestows him a kiss, at first sheepishly, then hilsriously vigorously. Catwoman shakes her head in disappointment.

CATWOMAN Oh, Didi...

DIDI-TABBY Sorry. Hey, how did you know my name?

CACTUS Yee-ha! Looks like this town ain't big enough for the both of us, pardner!

Cactus takes a Dodge City pose at the end of the catwomen- cluttered street. He loads a missile in his cannon-arm. Didi- tabby scurries to a busted window sporting goods store, rips up a small tennis ball machine, and hurls it to Catwoman, who catches it with one arm, without looking. Her mega-coolness crumbles when she realizes what she caught.

CATWOMAN Tennis ball machine?


CATWOMAN A big gun would be nice.

Didi-tabby sheepishly shrugs her shoulders. Making the best, Catwoman turns to Cactus. They do a traditional gunslinger walk toward each other down the street, holding their unorthodox weapons at their side. They dramatically stop.

CACTUS Last words?

CATWOMAN Hakkuna Matata. Means no worries.

CACTUS I know what Hakkuna Matata means, you..

They both "draw." Catwoman Eastwoods a tennis ball perfectly into the mouth of Cactus's cannon with a loud thunking noise. He tries to bang it out.

CACTUS No, no, it's clogging...it's

Cactus holds his machinery-arm away from himself with howling panic. It erupts, sending the rest of his body flying against a wall. Catwoman turns from the sight, to the viewer.

CATWOMAN "Dat's gotta hurt."

Catwoman high-fives the surrounding Catwomen. Their joy is short- lived as Spooky, with too-fast-to-fast-to-register speed, thwacks everyone but the original catwoman to the ground with her trusty spear. It replaces itself into its small white-box holder.

CATWOMAN Hello, Spooky.

SPOOKY I don't want to hurt you, Catwoman. Yet. After tomorrow, you can do anything you want, but please, just stay out of sight for the next 24 hours. I won't stand by and watch my leader get all emotional over an animal like you. I warn you, don't tempt Captain God when he is angry. Let is complete our mission in peace.

CATWOMAN Whatever you say...Sis.

Spooky slightly double-takes at the last syllable--then charges into the night. All at once, the streetful of Catwomen behind Catwoman rouse from their forced hibernation. They individually drift off in eerie silence.


The Dull Wife comes back into the frame and re-sits behind her TV Tray, unnoticed by her dull husband. She has a bandage on her forehead--and a barely perceptible smile.


As if in the throes of a bad hangover, Selina rustles out from her Hut. She freaks up at the sight of Lewis Lane strolling from a parked golf cart.

LANE Good morning.

SELINA Ah! You scared me! How did you know to come here! Have you been spying..

LANE (sneezing) No, of course not. You're listed. Not the hut, exactly, but the rest of..

SELINA Well. I'd let you come in, but the place is a mess...

For comical effect, the viewer gets a view of the couple out through the open door of the creepy lair.

SELINA Next time, call...

LANE I thought you'd like a ride to work. (heavy sneezing) You don't own a cat, do you?

As Lane turns toward his cart, Detective Selina mischievously calls out.

SELINA Hey, Captain God!

LANE (turning around) What did--?

SELINA You turned around!

LANE Yes, you shouted the words "Captain God" at me for no reason...

SELINA Oh, do you turn around every time somebody just shouts at you?

LANE Actually, yes.

Selina nods, not really knowing if she just proved something, then knowing she didn't prove anything. Head down, she stomps to the cart.


Still suspicious as hell and who can blame her, Selina warily watches her driver as they putter a side-street. Both are in groovy sunglasses.

SELINA Did you try to kill...

LANE What?

SELINA Nothing. How's your hand?

LANE About the same. Thanks for asking...Damn blender. (a beat) Okay, I can't stand it anymore, I'm dying to know--Did you try on some whiskers last night and hit a 7-11 along with all those other women? You had to have thought about it--a Catwoman for a night?

SELINA (under her breath) Like you don't know...

LANE I'm having a hard time picking up your signal this morning--What did you say?

SELINA I said I saw you last night. What were you doing hiding in that alley, running off when the superhero alarm sounded...

LANE I was doing my job. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I didn't become the best reporter in the world sitting by the phone. I was chasing tail all night--I was not spying, intentionally, on your hot and heavy date with "Brock Leviathan, architect." (a beat) I can't believe he ordered white wine. You do know white wine is not real wine...

SELINA Hey, I thought...

The Cart turns a corner onto Main Street and Selina cuts off. Like war-torn refugees fleeing their homeland, a Zhivagoesque parade of Tourists rumble down the street with their suitcases. The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman, still covered in sewage, zombie-walks, tugging wheeled Gucci.

LANE I'm afraid last night was the last straw of our city's tourists. The Mayor, in his finite wisdom, is throwing a "Month of the Woman" luncheon ball for the public this afternoon to try and calm everyone down. I thought maybe you and I could...

SELINA (end of her rope) Go together? Sure, why not? Another date with someone who could be an insane messenger of death for all I know. No offense. Hey, lean over, let me smell your breath..Say in a deep voice, "A superhero's job is to protect..."

LANE You're scaring me, Selina. (a suave beat) Do it some more.

Selina stares deeply into Lewis Lane's eyes, trying to get a reading. She breaks her stare with a surrendering laugh.

SELINA I give up. I give up.--I can't figure you out. Not gonna try.

LANE You can't figure me out. You're the strange one..

SELINA You are...

LANE Uh-huh..

It seems as if they are going to kiss. Then Lane sneezes. Selina laughs as the cart chugs up to the Fun Palace.


The regular casino tables have been completely cleared out. Workers (and a chamber orchestra) are setting up for a banquet- type event. An entering Selina watches Lane walk over and shake hands with the Mayor and Frank, pulling out a notepad. A MONTH OF THE WOMAN banner is raised up...

MAYOR (way nervous) It'll work. It'll..Thanks for coming, Lewis. I think this little event will turn things around for the gals. Don't you? Don't you think? The Tourists will return, right? Right?

LANE I'd probably refrain from using the word "gals." At least, until things calm down.

MAYOR Good thinking. The Cult should be here for this...

Out of his pocket, the Mayor presses a portable version of the big red Cult of Good call-button.


The CIVILIAN CACTUS is a brutal high-school football coach, bellowing down to line of PLAYERS doing push-ups. He wears a fake cast to cover his lack of arm. He pulls a beeping beeper from his windbreaker and trudges off.


THE CIVILIAN SPOOKY works a phone in a cramped office cubicle, the height of loneliness. She pulls up a beeping beeper and exits her space, passing by a multitude of cubicles in which OTHER ASIAN WOMEN are toiling away in solitude.


The CIVILIAN ADONIS is a male model. Wearing barely existent bikini briefs, he is holding up a Zima, on an all-white studio set, before a snapping-away FLAMBOYANT PHOTOGRAPHER. Somehow pulling a beeping beeper from the back of his briefs, he races off the set.


Selina and the women workers are in their familiar break-time place, completely silent and completely at ease. They are all eating(!) from Chinese take-out boxes passing them back and forth to each other in wonderful syncopation (They all wear small bandages). Didi touchingly breaks the sweet tranquility.

DIDI Remember when you said you had amnesia, Selina? I think I had amnesia, too. I had forgotten that I'm something more than a spazz.

Bandage just over her eye, Esmeralda comes into the doorway. Everyone stiffens.

ESMERALDA The event is starting. But you know, no hurry, take your time. Finish eating...You're all doing a great job.

Esmeralda floats off. The stunned women drift back into their bliss. Selina most blissful of all.


Doing some last-minute tugs on a simple but sophisticated dress, Selina saunters into the polished and impressively subdued main casino area. Upstanding citizens mill about, chatting with that certain post-Earthquake-Riot-Mass Catwoman Attack unease.

The chamber orchestra plays something ever-so-pleasant. Couples stiffly dance across the floor, the men a little afraid to lead. Adonis, however, is really working the floor. Women, both bandaged and unbandaged, satellite around him breathlessly waiting for their turn. Didi gets a giddy turn.

Very antsy in their nice garb, most of the women are wearing some sly form of bandage. They are very tentative around each other, holding in a secret that is not a secret but must remain a secret. Selina holds out a tube of cream to the bandaged Sweet Young Woman who was last night's Catbride.

SELINA It's very good for burns.

CIVILIAN CATBRIDE Thanks. I was cooking last night and you know...

SELINA I know.

The voices of DJ Oink and a happily armless Cactus make a nails- against-blackboard waft to Selina's ears. She turns to them kicking back at the bar with the Mayor.

CACTUS Oh, and they're flopping around in the water, just squealing their little lungs out..

DJ OINK Women--the way they were meant to be...Next time you got to get it on film...

MAYOR Now boys, let's keep everything nice..

Selina clenches her fist and begins a simmering trek toward Oink, when Brock touches out to her shoulder.

BROCK Selina, did you make it home, all right? I tried calling, but your mother said that there was "no extension in the Hut." Whatever that means..

SELINA I got home fine. How's the "warehouse."

BROCK Fine. You're angry. Don't be. The important thing is we're together now..

SELINA (warming up) At some sanctimonious celebration of condescension. Nothing like appeasing half the population with a two hour luncheon.

BROCK (smiling) Exactly. I don't know what I'd do without you.

SELINA Uh Brock, today you are without me...

LANE (possesively, toward Brock) There you are darling...Have we met, Lewis Lane, Oasisburg Times.

BROCK (sparring) Oh, how long have you had your own route?

LANE (re-sparring) Can I just say what a classy touch the neon urinals are, Mr. Architect? I just love risking electrocution every time I..

Selina drifts from the increasingly unsubtle macho stand-off...to Spooky leaning alone against a pillar.

SELINA What's a powerful man like you standing all alone for? Dance with me?

SPOOKY I'm sorry, Miss, one of us needs to keep surveillance...

SELINA Oh pooh, come now. If you turn me down, I just might throw a fit..you know how us girls can be..

Selina takes Spooky's hand and tugs her amid the other couples. The supremely robust superhero is now awkwardly trembling klutz...but she calms as Selina's arms slide around her. As they speak, their meandering takes on a voluptuous rhythm.

SELINA What's it like being a superhero? It must be frightfully exciting..How did you guys all get together?

SPOOKY We met on the Internet. The Captain put out a cryptic message calling for a new order of crimefighters. We don't even know each other's true identities...

Brock and Lane stand together, staring a little dumbfounded at the perversely electrifying couple on the floor. Selina spins into a sultry lean-back against a masculinely receptive Spooky. Losing her superhero stiffness, Spooky lets herself get into the groove.

SELINA You seem sad, Spooky.

SPOOKY I'm not sad, no, I owe the Captain my life. It's just you think you want to help prevent crime, but you realize that's too complicated. It's a lot more fun to punish crime. Then after a while, you don't care what's a crime and what's not, what you became a Warrior for. You just want the kicks. The rush.

SELINA The kicks..the rush..you mean, like pulling heists..faking your own deaths..killing innocent bystanders...like Mexican angels. (a whisper) I know you're a woman. Do you?

Spooked, Spooky stops dancing. She backs away through the crowd. At an elevated podium, the Mayor taps the microphone.

MAYOR If I could briefly have everyone's attention...This is the way it should be between men and women. Nice. Just nice. Women of Oasisburg, I hope this Month of the Woman celebration tells you just how wonderful we think you gals truly are. Did I say "gals?" Women. I hope those of you who were.."bad" last night have got something out of your system. Last night's harm was not just to men--my wife, my lovely wife, was going out for groceries, minding her own business, when she was brutally attacked...A poor innocent victim..

The Mayor motions to the woman sitting down beside him. It is the Wild-Using-Her-Hair-as-a-Whip Minx from last night, now in a Pilgrim dress, hair demured into pony-tails. Selina and some other women around her simultaneously cough out in suppressed laughter.

MAYOR We must thank the valiant efforts of the Cult of Good, who did much to contain the madness, especially in light of the deaths of other superhero teams over the past years in St. Louis and Atlanta. As we speak, Captain God is following up some important leads.

Trying to get a bead, Selina glances to Lane sidling up to her, then over across to Brock. They both smile out responding eye- contact.

MAYOR I'm told there's quite the solar eclipse happening this afternoon, so we should probably keep things moving. No one has been more eloquent about the nightmare facing us than Dr. Penelope Snuggle, author of The Catwoman Complex.

Frank pokes up, leaning to the Mike. He holds up a vivid, rainbow- colored flyer.

FRANK Before we bring Penny out, I just want to remind everyone that tonight's big mystery promotion at the Fun Palace has not been post- poned. I hope we can all come together as a community and have some, you guessed it, fun. Doctor?

PENELOPE Thank you, Franklin. I can only hope some lessons were learned last night. That female power only causes unhappiness and ugliness...

Selina rolls her eyes. She flees the offensiveness at the podium beelining to a door marked LADIES.


Selina enters into the vast, briefly-seen-earlier bathroom lounge area. She moves to the mirror...The Door is pushed shut behind her. It is Spooky. Selina remains calm as she approaches.

SPOOKY You're the One. I thought I told you to stay hidden behind the couch, CAT! You've torn the unit apart. You've driven a great leader insane...

SELINA You going to talk all day?

Pulling out her Catwoman outfit out of her seemingly too small purse, Selina drifts into a stall. Spooky goes into another.


Penelope builds to an insufferable crescendo.

PENELOPE Let's face it, this whole "strong" woman thing has been done to death. A woman doesn't need to go through the pain of "finding herself," she needs only to be found. I say let him do the work..Let him have all those, what do you call them, "life experiences." Ooh, here comes the eclipse, don't look up.

The viewer's viewpoint tips up to a grand skylight above.


begins to edge before the sun.


Selina emerges from the stall in her Catwoman outfit at the same time Spooky emerges. Dark hair running over her shoulders, Spooky has taken off her hood and has unstrapped her breasts. Without directly looking at each other, the women do some last-minute primping in the bathroom mirror. Followed by some casual calisthenics. Then...

SELINA Nice breasts.

SPOOKY Thanks.

Spooky swings out her leg for a direct hit into Catwoman's head. Catwoman counters with an elbow to the stomach immediately followed by the other elbow coming around to hit Spooky's bent- over head. They expertly swat, parry, and thrust.

Sun disappearing outside the window, giving up on the admirable martial artwork, Selina and Spooky get primal. They claw into each other in a violent parody of their recent dance. They swing into a spine-to-spine position grappling onto each other's face/hair. TWO SUPERIOR SCOWLING WOMEN stroll into the lounge.

SCOWLING WOMAN Well, well, would you look at that-- "Catwoman #1." She's not so tough. I'm more of a Catwoman than that poser could ever be..

SCOWLING FRIEND Oh, I'm so sick of you thinking you're better than everybody...I'm a better Catwoman than either one of you...

SCOWLING WOMAN You want a piece of me?

The Scowling Women exchange scowls and pull Catwoman outfits from their purses, banging into separate stalls. The Civilian version of the Copycatwoman moseys in with a friend. She immediately bristles at the sight of Catwoman and Spooky crashing up into the bathroom mirror...

CIVILIAN COPYCATWOMAN That's the bitch that stole my whip!


Another crash is heard. Along with a couple well-placed screeches. The sun coming down from the skylight begins to completely evaporate. By some warped radar, women rise from their tables and drift from the dance floor...toward the door of the Ladies room.


are torn from purses in quick, elliptical montage.


is halfway over the sun.


of all kinds burst from stalls in quick montage. Finally, TWO DESIGNER-DRESSED CATWOMEN emerge from side-by-side stalls in the exact same outfit. They look to their own ensemble and then over....and then angrily lunge into each other.


The vast lounge is now crammed with raging Catwomen, both familiar and unfamiliar. Ids hanging out, the Catwomen feed into each other, separating themselves into violently squabbling, scratching, clawing, bitch-slapping clusters.

Catwoman and Spooky remain the battling centerpiece.

SPOOKY Can't you understand--I got tired of being a woman. I wanted the respect that only a cape, boots, chestplate, and a mechanical spear can bring..

CATWOMAN You're not strong. You're scared..scared that someone like me will see right through you. Whatever the Cult of Good was, it's not anymore... You don't have to listen to me, just listen to you..

A Dress-for-Successed Executive Cat crosses claws with a HOUSE(WIFE)CAT.

FEMALE EXEC CAT You Housewives have no idea what we go through!

HOUSECAT You Career girls have no idea what we go through.

FEMALE EXEC CAT Did you just say "girls?"

White leathered Kelly-Kat and Didi-Tabby swing before Esmeralda in her Tiara-ed Cat ensemble.

KELLY-KAT Well, well, look who thinks she's a Catwoman..

DIDI-TABBY You're one of us when it's night, but during the day, you're the cruelest exploiter of all..

ESMERALDA CATWOMAN Oh, like I'm afraid of you minimum wage morons..

Openly screeching, the Fun Palace Trio tear into each other. A BEAUTIFUL MODEL-CATWOMAN is fending off an attack from the Twin Overweight Catwomen.

MODEL CATWOMAN I don't have to apologize for my beauty!

TWIN CATWOMAN #1 We're not asking you to apologize.

TWIN CATWOMAN #2 We're asking you to scream in pain!

A REPRESSED CATWOMAN is dunking the bikini-ed Mardi-Gras Catwoman in the sink.


MARDI GRAS CATWOMAN So? What's it to you?

TWO CATWOMAN SISTERS are pounding on each other.

CAT-SISTER ONE Sis, stop it...

CAT-SISTER TWO Oh, the little princess can't take it! Admit it, Mom loves you more!

CAT-SISTER ONE Who can blame her!?!


The rays of the sun drain away from the skylight. Completely abandoned by the female sex, the Men in the room uncomfortably fidget in classic "Waiting for Girlfriend to come out of the bathroom" mode. They mosey toward each other with amiable half- smiles.

MAYOR Women, huh?

The men animatedly nod and mumble semi-audible approval. An AVERAGE JOE pipes up.

AVERAGE JOE Anybody see the game last night?

FRANK Oh, yeah, it was excellent!

Revving into tribal ritual, the men release their tensions, magnetizing into a robust semi-circle around the Average Joe.

AVERAGE JOE Fourth Quarter. Pacers down by 14-- no chance, right? Wrong..


completely suffocates the sun in a perfect eclipse.


The feline frenzy continues. The Mayor's Rapunzel-Wife is back in her savage state, violently whipping around her hair. Repressed Catwoman and Mardi-Gras Catwoman still jostle by the sink.

REPRESSED CATWOMAN You know men only go out with you because of the provocative way you dress.

MARDI GRAS CATWOMAN At least they go out with me.

REPRESSED CATWOMAN Men go out with me!..In theory.

MARDI-GRAS CATWOMAN Cousins don't count.


The Elderly Catwoman launches a kick into the young Cat-bride.

ELDERLY CATWOMAN You young people have no respect!

CATBRIDE Yeah, well--you're old!

Catwoman and Spooky ever-so-slightly halt their fisticuffs to take in the havoc they have created. Then go back to battle.

FEMALE EXEC CAT I'm a good mother!

HOUSECAT You mean, "Consuela" is a good mother..

FEMALE EXEC CAT How did you know our nanny's name is...Lucky guess!

HOUSECAT What's the name of your child's best friend?

FEMALE EXEC CAT (a beat) Ask me another one--

The Nun Catwoman is pinning the all-Red Redhead Catwoman to the ground.

RED CATWOMAN I'm telling you! I'm not your husband's mistress! I'm a lesbian!

NUN CATWOMAN Oh, that's just like something she'd say.

The Twin Overweight Catwomen are shoving a club sandwich into the Model Catwoman's mouth.



In sweating, desperate denial of the hormonal explosion a door away, the Men happily hang upon the enthusiastic yarn-ESPNing of the Average Joe.

AVERAGE JOE And then he misses both free throws. Coach's on the bench, freaking out, right? Five minutes ago, they had this game won. And now..

Penelope Snuggle, in a snit, cuts before the men.

PENELOPE This madness must end once and for all...

She marches into the Lounge doors. Average Joe continues.

AVERAGE JOE Okay, so now two seconds left-- Miller-- perfect open court steal, runs to three point country and..

Penelope comes flying back out on her back, scratched and covered in stray bits of fur. The men are completely silenced as she twitches in epileptic terror.


Sanity to the wind, the large, now-eerily-shadowy lounge has been completely swallowed by the most multi-layered, full-throttle cat- fight in the history of cinema. The women totally communicate in cat-screeches, all human capabilities on hold.


At a neglected table, Lane somberly sits himself down to the side of a cool Brock. Without looking to each other, the Men stare to the lounge door, speaking with double meanings and impossible-to- gauge expressions.

LANE Women, huh?

BROCK They do take their time. So..Selina Kyle...

LANE Selina Kyle...lovely person.

BROCK She has a real spirit.

LANE A bit on the suspicious side, don't you think?

BROCK She has reason to be suspicious..Doesn't she?

LANE I suppose she does.

Catwoman and the unmasked Spooky suddenly come careening out, slamming right on the table, in a vicious mutual death lock. The two men watch calmly without intervention. The female pair go shattering out a window.

LANE I better go report this in...

BROCK Oh, you don't have to explain to me where you're going...

The rest of the Catwomen tidal-wave out of the ripping-from-its- hinges Ladies room door, taking over the floor, in a spectacular ballet of violence. The Men gape.


Sprawled on their backs in a puddle glass, Spooky gives Catwoman an "Enough already" backhand, knocking her unconscious. Spooky dashes off.


The Cat-commotion rages on. Losing it, the Men rip out their gold cards for another mad dash to the Gentleman's Club. The gridlock proves too great, so many wailing Y-chromosomes change direction and roar out the frenetically sliding-back-and-forth front door into the "night."


eases half-way out of the sun in the longest eclipse of all time.


Spooky pants into the darkened by lack-of-Sun Town Square. Captain God is waiting for her.

SPOOKY I want out of tonight's mission. I can't do it anymore, Captain. I can't let innocent people die to prove our superiority..I can't.

CAPTAIN GOD Just like a woman. You want out. You're out.

Brutus and Cassius to Spooky's Caesar, Adonis and Cactus bound from the shadows to surprise attack the exhausted Spooky. They bash her with blunt instruments then rush back into the darkness. Her white compact "spear" device is knocked from her person, dribbling away down the street.

SPOOKY Why are you--I fought for you with honor. Why should it matter if I'm a man or a woman, as long as I'm a good warrior.

CAPTAIN GOD Of course it matters! It throws off everything! "Superhero" is manhood's highest achievement. Manhood! Your dirty little secret has diseased us to the core. You were my buddy, my comrade-- women aren't buddies, women aren't warriors! You tried to turn the Cult of Good into some after-work softball team! It's time to get thrown from the treehouse...

The other Do-Gooders charge out again, but this time she energizes to fire her fists on the outflanked, one-armed Cactus. One leg firmly planted, Spooky tips the rest of her body upside down to slam Adonis to the ground with her back heel (a famous maneuver of renowned Hong Kong actress Michelle Khan--hint, hint).

Coming out of that show-off move, she gets hit by Captain God, topped by a painful head-butt from his helmet.

The white "spear" object continues to roll across the pavement. Clacking into the street, Catwoman picks it up. She looks up to see Spooky collapse against Captain God.

SPOOKY I loved you.


Three firing sounds are heard. Spooky slumps down away from Captain God. He lifts his smoking finger and blows it.

CACTUS Ah, did you hear that? Spooky loved you...

CAPTAIN GOD Yeah...pretty gross. Hurry, we've got work to do.


As his partners rush off, Adonis pivots back to give Spooky a last kick. Turning back around, he faces Catwoman, who angrily slams the white device into Adonis's mouth, then leans forward in a seething whisper.


A harsh twanging sound-effect, a muffled moan, and Catwoman's blown away expression tells the viewer the Spear has just sprung open in Adonis's mouth. Moving out for a wider glimpse, Adonis lurches away, the spear completely bursting through both his cheeks (Don't worry, his back is turned to the grateful viewer). Catwoman rushes to Spooky.

CATWOMAN I heard what you said, Spooky. I can't believe he shot you...

SPOOKY Men, huh?

From a pouch at her waist, Spooky tugs up a small, strange chunk of gold and presses it into Catwoman's paw.

SPOOKY For when the time comes..

CATWOMAN For when the..Uh, yeah, thanks, a little gold piece of...gold. Uh...

SPOOKY And I...I..want you to know our secrets..

Spooky next tugs out a computer disc and puts it in Catwoman's baffled hand..

CATWOMAN Oh no, not a computer disc. A computer disc? Oh man, come on, what do I look like? I'm not a crime- fighter, I'm not a detective, what, I'm supposed to find some "clues" on this disc. I can't...

SPOOKY The Mission is happening tonight..It's up to you to...to save the City...

CATWOMAN "Save the City?" I don't want to save the city, I want to move! Listen, I'm sure the computer disc is pretty fascinating and I can't thank you enough for the little weird gold thingie, but..

SPOOKY You know, my name's not Spooky. It's, it's Rachel.

CATWOMAN Hello, Rachel. I'm Selina.

Spooky dies. Catwoman shudders. The uneclipsing Sun begins to blaze a perfectly lined wave of light across the Town Square. Catwoman springs away from it in terror. She runs out of the remaining darkness of the frame. The Sun rolls completely over Spooky's body.


In completely silent mass-exodus, back in their messily tugged- back-on civilian clothing, bruised on the outside and the inside, the ex-Catwomen of Oasisburg stagger out from the Fun Palace into the shining light. The Men of Oasisburg rise from cowering positions on the Casino grounds. Everyone wordlessly connects up and walks forward into the sun.


The sun shimmers through a big glass window of a staid library. Casually dressed but seriously expressioned, Selina is scrunched in a cubicle work area in glasses. She puts the disc into a computer. The black cat watches from Selina's lap.

SELINA Okay, what do ya got? This better be bad.


SELINA Mission one..the Gatekeepers of Justice...Atlanta. (to Cat) I'm sorry, it's not like you can't read it yourself.

Selina hits a button unleashing a precise stream of computer graphics. The viewer zooms through the schematic doors of a virtual Museum. The next imagery is of paintings disappearing off the walls. The viewer then is drawn to the graphic of a bomb in the mock-Museum. The virtually created Museum blows up. Spooky's voice takes everyone through it.

SPOOKY'S VOICE Report attack on Museum. Steal artwork yourself. Blow up everything including you. Press C for museum blueprint, press D for security system access codes...

SELINA Okay, okay..How spooky..Let's see what's in the next chapter..

More enigmatic words. MISSION #2 CODENAME: THE AWESOME POWER SQUAD LOCATION: ST. LOUIS. A rush of images move over Selina's glasses.

SELINA Same drill with a bank..steal everything then blow it up. Dare I say the words, "I see a pattern."


SELINA I really, really, see a pattern.

The next images are scrambled up.

SELINA No fair! Must come on-line at the time of the mission, but we don't have the time, Miss Kitty. Something's being stolen and something's being destroyed in Oasisburg, tonight. But who are the Gatekeepers of Justice? And "Blow yourselves Up?" I guess that's the whole fake death thing, key word being "guess"...what am I doing here?

A NERDESQUE LIBRARY CLERK moseys up to the strange woman talking to her cat.

LIBRARY CLERK I'm sorry, ma'am, there are no pets allowed in the library...

SELINA But I'm blind.

LIBRARY CLERK It's seeing-eye dogs, ma'am. If I let the cat stay, will you go out with me?

SELINA What if I say I'll go out with you, so you can have all these great daydreams, but then never actually talk to you again?

LIBRARY CLERK (not exactly what he wanted but..) Okay, deal.

SELINA "I'll go out with you." Now go get me these old newspapers...


Selina slams out a back-issue of the Atlanta Constitution across a wide library table. The cat hops up beside it. The newspaper shows the aftermath of a Museum Explosion with the obvious headline MUSEUM EXPLOSION--TREASURES LOST--28 DEAD--FIVE OF THEM SUPERHEROES. Selina para-murmurs.

SELINA "completely destroying the Museum...valuable artwork lost forever...blah, blah...since the superheroes had secret identities..no medical records to identify...more blah-blah..burned capes and a severed arm found at the scene determine..."

Selina crashes down into a chair and turns the page to a large picture (captioned IN MEMORIAL--THE GATEKEEPERS OF JUSTICE) that shows the familiar current members of the Cult of Good, in a different set of uniforms, with different captioned names (like Mr. Big--Mammoth, Mr. Strange--Spooky, Mr. Handsome--Adonis). It is easy for the viewer to see the charade.

SELINA Recognize anybody, Miss Kitty? Same deal with St. Louis and the Awesome Power Squad, no doubt...

Selina flickers a glance to a St. Louis newspaper that shows the Cult of Good in yet another kind of costumage (with a notable leader named The Mighty Helmeted One). The headline reads THEY WILL BE MISSED.

SELINA (nirvana) These so-called superheroes are modern day pirates, ruthless Viking mercenaries who go from major city to major city, secretly trashing and pillaging away as good guys. They eventually get bored and end their excursions by grandly faking their own deaths while at the same time, pulling off a world-class heist. How easy is this detective stuff? I know, I know, I still don't know where the big Oasisburg attack is going to be tonight, but I'm telling you... (deadpan halt) Well, would you look at that, Merry Christmas. There is a God. And his name is Brock.

Selina looks down to a stray page of the Atlanta newspaper. It is a photo of Brock Leviathan, in a hardhat, cutting a ribbon for the opening of one of his creations. Selina growls in triumph.

SELINA Brock Leviathan--in Atlanta the same time as the psycho-superheroes. Two plus two equals--I got you. I got you! Finally I know who to drop and who to date-- Finally... (deadening) Darn.

Obliviously relaxing, the black cat stretches its nails to a picture of Lewis Lane, writer of his own Atlanta newspaper column.

SELINA You, too... (had enough) That's it...

Selina rips up her whining cat and bolts from the cubicle.


Still in civilian clothes, Selina stands in the dealer's position at a card table. Brock Leviathan and Lewis Lane sit across from her. They calmly watch her wildly expertly shuffle a deck. She makes Brock cut. Then shuffles some more. She leans over and with one hand flutters the deck into the air.

LANE Selina, are you okay?

BROCK Yes, did you call us here for any particular reason?

SELINA Tonight, somewhere in the city, innocent people will die--but then one of you knows that; for one of you is a vicious pirate-terrorist posing as the beloved superhero Captain God.

BROCK What did you say? Selina, sit down, the entire city is going crazy...You have to just calm down...

LANE Hey, architect--she's joking. Right, Selina? Selina?

SELINA I'm not through. This will come as a shock. Again, to one of you. I am Catwoman. The Catwoman.

Both men recoil with requisite dismay. Selina intensely scans from one to the other, unsuccessfully gauging a giveaway reaction.

SELINA Hmm. Not bad.

BROCK You're telling the truth. I can tell..How did this..

LANE Some reporter I am..all this time my story is right there in front..I have a lot of questions.

SELINA Fine, fine, at a later date, I'll be more than happy to talk about my perverse psychological complexities with the one who's not the creep. But for now, I'm drilling inside your brains...I bring up the whole Catwoman thing for one reason. I bit Captain God in the hand and the next day you both show up equipped with big bandaids and wobbly excuses-- (pointedly to Lane) "My grandfather is inventing a new kind of blender.."

BROCK (wincing a smile at Lane) You're kidding.

LANE But it's true! You can call him yourself.

SELINA Lose the smile, Mr. Good Reflexes. We were having a pretty okay time the other night--good food, good conversation--some Catwomen show up and it's "You need cab fare?; I got to go to my Hideout--Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "warehouse."

LANE Not too cool...

SELINA Then there's you, Louis, sneaking through back alleys and surprise visiting me at my home..Both of you have been way too frisky from the get- go. I'm actually a pretty amazing person--funny, smart, attractive when I get my sleep--but you two had no way of knowing that-- when I met you both I was basically a morose, depressed amnesiac incapable of any human feeling. The only reason one of you wanted to go out with me is because you knew I was Catwoman.

BROCK You're right, I wasn't looking to fall in love with a casino worker. I'd given up trying to find anyone. But there was a fire in your eyes that cut right through the air conditioning and through the coldness of my heart.

LANE Your uniform, that first time I saw you, was a ghastly cage I vowed to unlock in order to..

SELINA Stop, stop, you're both making me nauseous..I have a computer disc that shows that the Cult of Good, under different names, goes from city to city, faking their own deaths while committing major heists and killing innocent people. Their first city was Atlanta. So you can imagine my surprise when I read that the two most eligible bachelors in the city at the time were none other than you and you.

Both men contort into a vague, gulping twitch.

SELINA You know, now that I hear myself tell it, I'm thinking maybe both of you are messing with me. What, you get the Helmet Monday through Thursday, then Brock takes it for the weekend...

LANE (passionate or fake-passionate?) Okay. Let's get serious. Of course I know the Cult of Good is not good. Ever since I saw what they did in Atlanta, it has been my mission to expose them. I've followed them to Oasisburg and soon will have enough hard evidence to bring them to real justice. That computer disc could be the final piece to the puzzle. This isn't just a story, Selina--another damn Pulitzer--this is my life.

Lane pants to a noble stop. Selina nods, impressed. They both slowly, suspiciously turn to Brock. Brock's face comes out of his hands.

LANE We're waiting.

BROCK (poignant or fake-poignant?) Quiet, Blender Boy. I told you from the beginning, Selina, I'm not a very good liar. I am not Captain God, or whatever else he may be calling himself this month, but when I find out who is--The Man will pay. My sister died in that Museum attack. You can check the Atlanta obituaries. I've tracked these monsters from city to city, waiting for a time to exact my revenge. Why else would I come to Oasisburg and create the most obnoxious casino in the world?

LANE Did you ever think that maybe neither of us is Captain God?

SELINA (annoyed by the question) No-o. You know, questions like that don't help your cause--

BROCK (pleasant sigh) I still can't get over it. I still can't believe you're Catwoman..

LANE I can. That's not an admission of guilt, It's just..I knew you had it in you...

BROCK It may be time to get the police involved...

SELINA Have you seen the Oasisburg Police? They drive golf carts with little red sirens.

LANE We have to do something. What can we do to help, Selina?

SELINA I'll let you know.

Overcome with emotion--fear, love, anger, utter, utter confusion, Selina trembles into a bite of her lip. She then suddenly dramatically lunges across the table and vividly kisses both men, one by one, with a passion they can only barely handle.

SELINA I love you. One of you.

Selina storms off. The stunned men, not looking at each other, shudder for a moment, then rise off in opposite directions.


Selina blusters into her Hut and snarls to her cat. As she rants a pacing half-circle, the wall of the Hut behind her begins to very slowly then less slowly crackle into flames.

SELINA Don't ask. it was a stupid idea. I'm so not-a-crimefighter. What was I expecting? That one of them would just say, "Oh, now that you asked, I am the man who did all those evil things.." The minute I left the casino, he probably walked to a pay phone to call the Hideout and say..

The black cat leaps up out through the window. The smoking embers of the Hut begin to flare up into full-fledged flamage as Cactus and Adonis trudge in behind Selina, who finally takes it all in.

Cactus's new arm looks like a real one, only it's three times too big for his body. Ugly Adonis has two severe bandages on the spear-caused holes of his cheeks. His voice is now a cross- between Nell and a Walrus.

SELINA What took you so long, boys? Where's God?

ADONIS Wahres theuh coahmpooder dethsc?

SELINA (making fun) Theuh coahmpooder dethsc? (sudden laugh) Man, you must hate me...

CACTUS He's asking you "Where's the computer disc?"

Selina wearily snickers--then bolts to the chest and flings it open, frantically rummaging around.

SELINA It was here...where is?

Adonis yanks Selina by the hair and heaves her from the Hut. Selina soars out and skids across the dirt.

Cactus and Adonis tear through the belongings of the Hut, in and around the chest, but the heat is too great.

Selina bounds up and races over to her motorcycle. She frantically guns it. Nothing happening. Cactus rips her off. The Hut collapses with a whoosh. Selina gives it a sad glance.

CACTUS Where is it?

SELINA I'm not kidding. I put the disc in the chest...I don't know why it's not..


CACTUS (laughing) That's a good one, dude. He says we're going to kill you whether you tell us where the disc is or not.

SELINA I know your boss, if you killed me without him, he's be really angry..

ADONIS She's gaht a point.

SELINA Hey, Adonis. (sudden shout) "Spear!"

Adonis jolts, touching up to his cheek. Selina laughs. Cactus tosses her the Catwoman outfit. She catches it.

CACTUS You'll need this. Now how'd you like to help me break in my new arm?

SELINA Whatever.

Selina folds her arms and closes her eyes. Cactus swings back a Popeye punch with his fake colossal arm and then punches right at the viewer.


Selina's face aches into consciousness. In the Catwoman outfit. Pulling out, it is revealed Catwoman is hanging in air from the ceiling of the Hideout like a brilliant mobile (Flexible red cords tug separately at each one of her hands and each one of her legs). With outraged Cat-squeals, she tries to untangle.

CAPTAIN GOD Quite a little performance you gave in the casino today--for me and that other guy. Come on down, let's chat..

CACTUS I got her...

Materializing below her, Captain God fires his mighty remote control. The four cords simultaneously snap and Catwoman dives from the air. With intentionally comic feebleness, Cactus holds out his arms.

Catwoman slams to the ground a foot in front of him. The unbudging Cactus laughs it up as Catwoman painfully prys herself up.

CACTUS "Sorry"--what happened to that whole landing on your feet thing.

CATWOMAN I don't...know where the disc is. I swear I put it..

CAPTAIN GOD I'm not going to worry about it. We are quite beyond the computer disc. Everything will be over within the next hour or so.

ADONIS Yew'll be ovah in the naxt tehn minutes...

CAPTAIN GOD Adonis, be polite. She's a friend.

CATWOMAN How can you say things with such feeling and then turn around and put on a helmet and...Who are you? Were you sitting on my right or my left at the card table? Tell me! Please tell me who you are; you own me that!

CAPTAIN GOD I know, I should probably tell you, but I just don't feel like it. To be honest, I'm really angry at you. I admired you so much more when you were purely wicked. I mean, look at you now, running around trying to "get to the bottom" of things. Trying to "save the city." It's true we're about to do a very nasty deed, but really, what's it to you? Since when do you care what happens to a bunch of pathetic Oasiburgians? You're just not yourself, anymore.

ADONIS You know, nobody likes you...

CACTUS Yeah, all those women who went feline this afternoon...They're so ashamed now..

CATWOMAN I'm supposed to be taking personality tips from you three? You people were once heroes. You had ideals. You fought for things. Spooky told me so...

CAPTAIN GOD Do you have any idea how much superheroes get paid? Zilcho. Urban vigilantes with secret identities operating outside the law. Not exactly the stuff of a W-2 form. If it wasn't for merchandising and corruption and these diabolical "missions"...There is no such thing as heroes and villains, anymore, Selina. There are only winners and losers. You lost. We won.

CACTUS Car wash, Captain?

CAPTAIN GOD Absolutely.

Adonis pulls the earlier-seen lever and the floor opens. The viewer gets a small glimpse of what looks to be a traditional Car Wash. Adonis and Cactus tear the battered Catwoman down a small set of steps and stuff her into a very small red car at the end of the line.

CAPTAIN GOD I'd love to stay and watch, but there's always last minute stuff that needs to be taken care of before a Big Catastrophic Heist. Adonis, put it on video so I can watch it later when I'm feeling more relaxed. Oh, if for some reason, the damsel undistresses herself and she makes it out of that contraption, do me a favor-- Shoot her with this gun...

Captain God hands Adonis a very traditional handgun. He and Cactus head out. Hefting a video camera onto his shoulder, Adonis presses the button marked Car Wash.

With a loud whining noise, the Car Wash gears into action. The car jolts forward, wheels traditionally harnessed in a moving track. In the car, Catwoman frantically looks around, then quickly rolls up her window. Nozzles on both sides of the car spew acid that sizzles into the side of the car.

Adonis nods a "Not bad" nod, walking along with the car from above.

ADONIS She remembered to roll up her window.

Moving in and out of the driver's POV, the viewer huddles with Catwoman in the car. Soap suds and water hit the car as it passes beneath the familiar Car Wash curtain of fabric straps.

CATWOMAN Once you get past the acid, this car wash isn't so bad.

Suddenly, buzzing buffers uncoil out from sides but they are not made of brush. They are spinning steel spikes that proceed to rend the car, shredding through the doors, tearing at Catwoman's leg.

Adonis chuckles, tugging out and speaking into a cellular phone with his non-camera holding hand.

ADONIS No, no, I'm fine, weally. Juth a tempuhwary seth-back. I'll be back on the runway weally soon..

The car and the snarling but game Catwoman continue to be motored forward toward a new curtain...of HANGING SNAKES. The sunroof above Catwoman automatically screaks open.

CATWOMAN Oh come on.. "Snakes"...that's just rude..

Just as the curtain of snakes dribbles through the sunroof, Catwoman does a backwards somersault through the back windshield of the car. She slithers down the top of the trunk and lands right on the track--which locks both her feet in.

Adonis gives a curious narrow of his eyes to the proceedings below...but continues his cordless chat.

ADONIS But is he good? The last plasthtic surgeon I wenth to..

In a helpless enforced standing position, Catwoman rattles down the track, a vehicle all by herself. Another, more vast than them all, "buffer" of steel spikes thunders in an up and down motion ahead. It comes down on the now empty car and completely churns it to hell. Selina is next.

Catwoman unzips a little zipper on her leg and fingers out the last of the lethally-shaved ballerina figurines. She harshly wings the mini-weapon to a constellation of wires to the side of the car wash proper. The wires spark.

Adonis face drops, snapping shut the cellular, wavering up the gun.

ADONIS I'm going to have to call you back.

The Spikes ahead grind to a non-spinning halt but the apparatus continues to slam up and down. Catwoman claw-picks her locked-in feet then launches forward. Using the up-and-down chugging apparatus of stalled spikage as a trampoline, Catwoman does a dainty bounce up into a face-to-face with a momentarily too stunned-to-shoot Adonis.

Catwoman effortlessly bats the gun away, then grabs Adonis by his cape wrenching him into a ferocious drag up the Hideout staircase. The viewer moves in on Adonis's clamoring head.

ADONIS Stop! Isn't ruining my career enougth for you? What do you think you're dewwing? You wanna go out with me, is that it? Hey, you're hurting me...

CATWOMAN Oh, calm down. You're already dead..

The viewer inhales out to see that Catwoman has pulled Adonis to his disembodied power-pack and has tied his cape to it. She flicks a switch.

With a mighty explosive whoosh, the power pack rockets into the air, yanking Adonis up with it.

Both man and pack go hurtling out the hole in the roof, into and out of the alley and then up toward the stars. Shooting upward with the video camera, Catwoman cackles up to the comet, then stops.

CATWOMAN I guess I should have asked what's the name of the place they'll be robbing tonight... (hitting her head) Corn dog...Corn dog..Corn dog..

Catwoman suddenly realizes she's wet and goes into a shaking wail of discomfort.


Catwoman clambers out of the hole to the Hideout, and wipes herself off. The Young Boy she earlier traumatized skips down the alley with a new Gameboy. He stops with a body racking quiver.

CATWOMAN Hi. Don't scream. Please. It's okay. I won't hurt you. I'm a good guy now, I swear. Sh-h-h..


CATWOMAN Wait...Little boy, come back...

The Young Boy wails away. Catwoman tries to feebly reach out and call out after him. She gives chase, panting to the edge of the alley.

She watches the little boy slam down on a red Cult of Good Call Button at the corner. The melodic alarm fills the air. As the yelping boy points over in her direction, lallygagging-in-the- street Townpeople quake in communal rage coalescing into a Burtonesque angry mob. They charge...

CATWOMAN I don't like where this is going...

Catwoman backs into the alley, hitting a tarp. Atop the tarp is note that simply says SELINA is feminine handwriting. Catwoman rips off the tarp, revealing her awesome-if-previously-impotent motorcycle. She swings into a straddle of the bike and sighs, reaching for the ignition.


The Oasisburgians stampede forward--the motorcycle suddenly does a ferociously growling Moses-red-sea rip through the would-be lynch mob.


From out of nowhere, the motorcycle does a sensational low-to-the- ground sidewind around a corner. The people on the promenade jerk back their children and themselves in terror.

The viewer gets the first clear dead-on Wild One view of the burning forward Catwoman. She can't help but bark a feral cheer. She speeds up on a puttering cart before her and giddily rides up over it.


Below, Catwoman thunders past the police station. The Chief pulls back from the window.

POLICE CHIEF Calling all carts! The savage is loose! Repeat...


The Townspeople frantically jostle each other in their escape from the streets. Echoing their first bump, Brock Leviathan and Lewis Lane bang into each other. They sneer at one another in a rolling circle toward the mouth of an alley.

LANE I've been looking for you.

BROCK I've been looking for you. Selina Kyle was right. One of us is a psychotic crusader.

LANE But then we knew that all along, didn't we...

BROCK I guess we did. When you were a little boy, did you want to be a superhero?

LANE What little boy doesn't?

Realizing they're alone in the alley, the men go silent. They suddenly rush toward each other. Brock heaves two mighty blows into Lane's stomach doubling him over, but the reporter then swings around with a deft martial art chop into Brock's neck sending the architect to the ground...


The Catcycle comes spectacularly plowing through a YOU'RE ON VACATION--JUSTICE IS NOT billboard. Catwoman locks sight on a Roadblock of flickering-sirened police golf carts that has been tentatively set-up.

CATWOMAN A roadblock? Guys, you drive golf carts.

Catwoman arcs her Hog up into the middle cart, shearing off its top. Landing hard, she violently nails another cop cart rolling in her path from the right. The cart crumples, the cat does not, as the motorcycle does a bumper-car bash into another on-coming squad cart and keeps going. The cops wind around to give chase, firing their weapons.

A TV News helicopter thunders from above. Its POV shows a triangling squadron of golf carts giving SimpsonBroncoesque chase to the buzzing Catwoman.


Didi and Kelly look up to a Casino screen with concern.


The Working Class Housewife sets out pigs-in-blankets for her bickering kids. Looking to the fuzzy image on the table's cheap portable TV, the Housewife opens a drawer revealing her Catwoman outfit. Then closes it.


With her husband frantically working the lines in the background, the Mayor's Wife turns from the TV coverage to make a Stepford stare into the mirror. With an ivory comb, she combs her potentially wild Rapunzel hair into submission.


DJ Oink turns from a station TV to hit the airwaves.

DJ OINK Oh she's dead meat now. I don't usually like the taste of cat, but the day this little pretty gets fried, I'm making an exception..


The High School Girl closes her closet on her hanging kitten uniform.

DJ OINK ON RADIO Boy, looks like Catwoman could really use some help--thank God she's not going to get it or should I say thank Captain God.


The Female Executive turns from a radio at the end of a yuppie bar. She gives a sheepish glance to the Catsuit in her purse. And closes it.

DJ OINK You got to wonder where are all the other Catwomen? That's loyalty for you, huh?


Back behind their TV trays, the World's Dullest Couple listen to radio in lifeless tableau. The Dull Wife momentarily rises from her chair, then sits back down.

DJ OINK They must be back home, doing the two things women do best, cowering in fear and vacuuming. God bless America.


Catwoman wildly weaves the motorcycle side-to-side avoiding Oasisburg P.D. artillery. She seethes back a look, then darts faster forward.

The Superhero Van bulldozes out from a side street to side-swipe the Catcycle into a mind-numbing sliding scrape into a lampost. Captain God and Cactus smoothly bang out to do the cocky LA MotorCop walk to their victim. The squadron of cop carts squeal into place as does a Media truck.

CAPTAIN GOD Ah, the good guys always triumph in the end. It's what allows our children to sleep at night.

CATWOMAN (achingly rising) You can't get away with..

CACTUS My, the Perpetrator seems to be a bit on the "Wild" side..

CAPTAIN GOD I'll put that in the report--after you shoot her.

Cactus raises up a gun. It is shot from his hands. All spin to a line of National Guard soldiers standing before a tank, along with the Mayor and the Chief of Police.

MAYOR I've relied so much on you superheroes that I cut the police budget in half. That's why I had to call in the National Guard...

CACTUS We were handling the situation! The National Guard? For her? You gotta be...

MAYOR Not for her. For you. The Cult of Good.

CAPTAIN GOD I, the city's most noble and humble servant, am troubled by your strange tone of voice...

MAYOR I've always heard rumors about you people secretly running the underground and laughing behind my back. A loyal citizen has come forth with a very interesting computer disc that shows that under the guise of protecting society you perpetuated secret acts of terrorism. Including one that was to occur this evening..

The earlier-seen Catwoman, in the most stunning and flamboyant costume of them all, saunters forward, holding the disc. What the viewer was not sure about before, the viewer is sure about now: It is Selina's Mom. Catwoman, is needless to say, blown away. The crowd twitters with confusion.

CAT-MOM In the name of justice...

CAPTAIN GOD "In the name of..." This is an outrage! A mockery of all that is-- You're going to believe a Catwoman over me! Captain God!

THE MAYOR I have some very interesting newspaper clippings as well...I should remind you the Guard uses artillery that pierces body armor.

CAPTAIN GOD (completely dropping holier-than- thou act) A computer disc and some grubby newspapers--that's it! In all my years of crimefighting, I never..

Captain God and Cactus both make a sudden break back into the Van. The Van thunders off...but not for long. The National Guard tank booms a shell into its wheel, completely upending it.

Before anybody can get their bearings from this majestic crash, Captain God bursts from the back of the Van holding a bazooka. He howls through his voice-box. The National Guard and everybody else in the neighborhood open fire. The Captain wildly vibrates the Bonnie-and-Clyde dance before crumpling in a heap.

Catwoman rushes up into a kneel before the body allowing herself a well-deserved dramatic pause. She reaches around to the back of the Helmet and unhatches it open. Staring up at her is a very serene Lewis Lane. Catwoman staggers back in a daze.

POLICE CHIEF Wow, would you look at that! Captain God is that Pulitzer Prize-winning news reporter from the Oasisburg Times, Lewis Lane!

Media, Police, and deliriously curious Citizenry swarm around the body. Catwoman batters through the crowd to sadly hyperventilate. Her Cat-Mom touches out to her.

CAT-MOM You knew him?

CATWOMAN I guess not.

CAT-MOM Oh, the points were fused on your distributor--the motorcycle..why it wasn't running..

CATWOMAN Oh...hey, uh, thanks...

Before mother and daughter can really connect, A Police Officer calls out from behind the Van.

POLICE OFFICER Cactus has escaped through the sewer!

Catwoman steps forward with curiosity as does the Police Chief and the Mayor to regard an open manhole. Catwoman turns back to see Cat-Mom slink off. Catwoman's eyes then dart to Brock Leviathan in the midst of a traditional romantic thrust-through- crowd-to-love-of-life. Catwoman drifts forward to meet him, melting into his arms. She touches up to a bruise on his face.


On a couch by a crackling fire, Selina dabs at Brock's bruise with a washcloth, while he is taping up her wrist. They stop their sexy, mutual doctoring to take wine from a tray held by the leaning-over Butler Jeff.

BROCK Quite a pair we make. Thank you, Jeff.

SELINA A couple that battles the forces of evil together is a couple that stays together. Thank you, Jeff.

BUTLER JEFF Oh you're most welcome, Miss Kyle. I must say I haven't seen the master this happy in some time.

BROCK I'm jealous. Her bruises are much bigger than mine. It's not right.

SELINA Oh now, you put up a good fight. Let's change the subject. Where do people who live in Oasisburg go to get away from it all?

BROCK Somewhere very far away, very quiet, and very... (standing, suddenly sad) This is all wonderful, Selina, but...But I'm afraid I can not rest until all my sister's killers are brought to justice...That one-armed monster..

Brock motions to a muted TV screen showing a If-you-have-seen- this-man picture of Cactus. Brock returns to the couch to slide a beautiful ring onto Selina's finger.

BROCK This ring belonged to my sister. I'd love for you to...

SELINA It would be honor, Brock. Now let's go get this guy...

BROCK You're serious? You'd help me...

Selina tugs Brock with her up off the couch.

SELINA In many ways, that obnoxious creep Cactus was the worst one of all. He got off on giving out pain...

BROCK We'll hunt him down together...

CACTUS Brock, I can't believe it's taken you so long to invite me up to the house. Where do you keep your opener?

Cactus, a towel around his neck, casually enters into the room, swinging a beer. A beat of total disbelief. Then Brock viciously backhands Selina onto the couch. She believes.

Breaking from his stiff Michael Gough pose, Butler Jeff pins a struggling Selina to the couch, pulling out a syringe. He enthusiastically bites off and spits the rubber tip then slams the syringe into Selina's arm.

BUTLER JEFF Ooh, she's a feisty one, sir!

BROCK Thank you, Jeff. When you're through with the needle, go get a body bag.

Jeff departs. As Selina stiffens into catatonia on the couch, she seethes up to the glowering Brock.

SELINA I thought you said you weren't a very good liar.

BROCK I lied.

CACTUS ("I made a funny") The cat is out of the bag.

SELINA So I guess you don't have a sister who died in the Museum explosion?

BROCK No, that was actually the truth. Wrong place. Wrong time. Stupid bitch.

Brock and Cactus wildly laugh. Selina gives off a gag, her entire body going numb. Her eyes are very alive though, flickering like mad. Brock briefly de-volumes his mirth.

BROCK You've lost all motor functions. The poison will kill you in ten minutes.

CACTUS Hey, speaking of Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Lewis Lane to the rescue!

BROCK (hooping it up again) Priceless...We have a showdown in this alley, right?


A montage of images shows Brock rising up from being karate chopped to batter Lewis to the ground.

BROCK Little punk got in some good ones considering he's a writer. But then the inevitable...

A Helmet is lowered on Lane's bruised, spinning head. A bazooka is connected onto his glove.

BROCK Shoved him in my spare suit in case something got weird.

A view from inside of the Van of the Captain God-like Lane being pushed out before the National Guard.

BROCK Thanks to you, something got weird. And we needed a diversion for our great sewer escape...


The viewer is given the helplessly Selina's chilling point of view of the two psychopaths hovering over her.

BROCK Don't you feel so much better now that you know everything? Blink once for yes, twice for..

CACTUS Boss, we better roll if we're going to hit this place, blow it up, and make that flight..

BROCK Just hold on! I'm not done. There are two kinds of men in the world, Selina. In Category A, you have Me. In Category B is everyone who wants to be in Category A, but are too afraid, too weak..!

As the howling men hustle off, Selina's black cat prowls in from an open window and begins nibbling at the point of injection on Selina's arm.

With a jolly step, Butler Jeff re-enters the room unfolding and unzipping a big black bag. He comes around to the couch where Selina remains a deathly pale, unbudging blob.

BUTLER JEFF Ah, if the dead could speak, what would they say?

Selina suddenly vaults up and wrenches Jeff by throat sending him crashing out a window.

SELINA I don't know...you tell me...Jeff.

Selina turns away from the window, down to her black cat. Having heroically sucked out Selina's poison, it lies lifeless upon the ground. Selina gives her friend a last sad stroke.

Suddenly, Kincaid the dog, gallops into the room, madly snarling. Angrily bounding up, Selina lets loose with a savage feline wail that immediately stops Kincaid's heart. The dog keels to the carpet.

Selina's Mother marches in the room, giving the dead dog and the dead cat brief, non-plussed glances. Completely and rightfully freaked out by everything in the world, Selina quavers.

SELINA Mom? Oh Mom, I messed up...

MOM What kind of name is "Brock Leviathan?"

SELINA I never thanked you..the arrow..the motorcycle..the computer disc..You're so different from what I..and so the same.

MOM Yes, I'm pretty amazing. You should see this...It came this evening.

Mom pulls up a videocassette and moves to the Leviathan VCR.

MOM Oh, I still don't know how anybody works these things...

Putting on Lens Crafters, Mom crinkles her face, unsuccessfully poking some buttons. Sighing, Selina hits a remote. The image of Lane awkwardly then comfortably addressing an unseen video camera comes on-screen.

LANE (T.V.) Selina. I've known Brock Leviathan-- come on, that name--is the criminal in question since St. Louis, but I've never been able to get definite proof. I didn't confront him at the casino, because I felt you might get hurt. But you made me realize I've waited too long to put an end to this thing. I'm going out to find Leviathan right now.

Selina chokes up.

LANE (TV) I've taken a couple karate classes, but there's a disturbingly good chance that I will be savagely murdered. After all, these guys do this for a living. In case you're now weeping over my noble, tragic death...You should know I knew you were Catwoman almost from the start-- the way you acted, some things you said--well, that and your mask; I saw some pictures and you know, it really only covers your eyes--your face is actually quite exposed. I'm not going to rag you about it but...I just want you to know I loved Catwoman before it was the cool thing to do. Oh, and another thing, this is my Grandfather's blender--I told you this thing was insane...

Lane holds up a highly unusual blender. Selina does a bittersweet gulp.

SELINA I tell you, Mom. Sometimes I think all the good men are gay or recently murdered.

Lane puts down the blender and picks up Frank's earlier-seen rainbow colored flyer.

LANE Oh, last thing, I swear, if it's true that I am a ghost right now, and you feel up to avenging my death, I have an idea where the bad guys will be going to complete their evil mission..Let's just say I found a flyer at the Cult of Good's hideout..Something about a big Mystery Promotion..

Selina bounds up into frame. Mom comes up with her.

SELINA They're going to attack Frank's Fun Palace!

MOM (touching up) I hate it when you let your hair just hang like that...you have such pretty eyes...

SELINA Mom, not now! I, I don't know what to do..

MOM Yes, you do. You have to go rescue all those people...

SELINA But I'm not a hero. I'm nobody's heroine..I'm nothing. You've said so yourself many times.

MOM Do you always listen to what your mother says? Selina. Something you choose your life. Sometimes your life chooses you. Save the day..

SELINA I don't know if I can do it alone.

MOM Trust me, you won't have to.

They lock for a serious, unsentimental hug. Selina rushes to a closet where her Catwoman outfit has been hung on a hanger. Selina snares it. She then tries to wrench off the ring Brock gave her, but it won't budge. She bolts.


Completely recovered from the Catwomen, the casino has been nicely cleared out and cleaned up for the big Promotion. Beneath a glass floor shaped like a diamond, in the middle of the casino, is a dazzling dune of you guessed it, diamonds. Tourists and Townspeople of all persuasions giddily gape down. TWO MACHINE-GUN TOTING GUARDS pace amid the rocks below.

FRANK That's right, folks, you're looking down at the most valuable collection of diamonds ever brought together at one time and one place...

MAYOR Frank, this is a terrific promotion. A great way to calm everybody after all the strangeness...

FRANK People are having a good time, all right. I got to remember to thank my architect, Brock Leviathan. This whole diamond thing was his idea.

As if on cue, Captain God and Cactus roar through the Fun Palace doors on a motorcycle/sidecar. Patrons hit the deck as the ex- heroes twist into a carpet rending skid before the Mayor and Frank. A couple of HAPLESS SECURITY MEN charge forth only to be dispatched with quick severe ninja hits.

Twirling up his remote, God presses a button that causes omnipotent sheets of black metal to perfect-fit-smash down over every door and window in the joint. GLOWING ZIPPING LINES of electricity malevolently minnow across every wall.

FRANK Where did those black sheets of metal come from? How did you do that?

CAPTAIN GOD I'm the guy who designed and built this place. As you can see, when we were building, I put some goodies in, to be used especially on this day. The great thing is I billed it all to you...

FRANK But Brock Leviathan designed this place..

Captain God reaches around and unhinges Helet, pulling it completely off with a delighted exhale.

BROCK I know...Oh, feels great to get that thing off. You have no idea how hot it gets in there..

FRANK But I thought Lewis Lane...

BROCK Will you shut up!

ANGELIC YOUNG MAN Captain God, I used to look up to you, as did all the kids I taught at the Youth Center. If you could have seen the look on my own child's face when I told him "his most bestest hero in the world" was nothing more than...

BROCK Get over it! I'm not a role model!

Brock clangs the Angelic Man into unconsciousness with a harsh swing of his Helmet. The Mayor clandestinely pushes his portable red Cult of Good button.


The Police Chief casts a bemused eye to a flashing red Cult of Good light.

POLICE CHIEF Doesn't everybody know there are no more heroes...Send a couple cars, see what that's about.


Brock presses another button that causes a gigantic ventilation shaft grill, in the area under the glass, to lower into the ground. Another button press incites suctioning air from the gaping shaft hole to totally devour all the diamonds. The two Machine Gun-toting Guards are effortlessly vacuumed as well.

BROCK If every thief knew how much easier it is to rob a place that you've actually built, they'd all go to architecture school.


A humongous Flexline Tube connects the building to a big black Treasure Chest. The Tube quakes with the sound and movement of rumbling diamonds.


A WOULD-BE HERO bites his lip and then takes a bounding leap at Cactus.

WOULD-BE HERO You can't get away with this!

Without turning to look, Cactus, with his mighty Popeye arm, fists the lunging-skyward Would-be Hero in the gut stopping him in mid-air. He crumples in a heap. As Brock readdresses the crowd, Cactus moves to set up a very suave looking digital bomb in the middle of the glass floot--extending out of the bomb from all angles are wired sensor pads.

BROCK Anybody else want to get something off their chest, before we get started?

DIDI Why'd you take off your helmet? Aren't you afraif of one of us reporting you to the police?

BROCK It's not like you're going be picking me out of line-up, sweetcakes. (animatedly gesturing with head to bomb) Bomb. You know...Bomb. Okay, listen up folks! There is a bomb on the glass that should be going off in fifteen minutes or so. Take note of the sensor pads--they tell you that if you touch the glass around the bomb, the bomb will go off. And of course, you can see the doors are electrified, so you can't get out.

FRANK I don't understand. To hear you say it, we're all going to die!

BROCK Actually, Frank, you seem to understand it really well. Might want to explain to some of the others. There's some people in the back there...

CACTUS See you on the other side, Boss.

Cactus is lowering himself under the floor through a small glass door behind him. He dashes through the mammoth, open ventilation shaft hole. With his remote, Brock activates the bomb (17:00..16:59..16:58..) and straddles his motorcycle.

BROCK I hope you have led fulfilled lives-- because they are over. Use these last minutes wisely. Pay phones in the back. Call your babysitters and tell them to tell your children they're orphans. Go gamble the rest of your money--with your luck, you'll probably win, right? Kiss your loved ones goodbye. Kiss a stranger. And if it's okay with Frank: Open Bar. It's been real...

Brock revs his bike and blasts off. He remotes a soda pop machine and clings up a clunking down can of cola as he heads toward the door. He activates open the front door. As he zooms through, he backhand-remotes the door back into its electrified fortress mode. DESPERATE CITIZENS bolt to bang on the door and get maliciously buzzed back into cowering pain.


Cactud cuts away the flexline tube and tosses it away. He makes sure the big Treasure Chest, now full of diamonds, is properly locked and tight, then presses a button on its side.

A massive black balloon inflates out of the top of the chest turning the whole ensemble into a mini-dirigible that floats into the air.

Cactus breaks into a trot down the alley, speaking into a wrist walkie-talkie.

CACTUS Captain God. The goods are in transfer. They'll be at the rendezvous point in ten minutes, right when the casino blows...Looking good, man.


The helmet-liberated, in-love-with-life Brock peals at the viewer on his motorcycle, night air whipping back his hair.

BROCK We're the best of the best, man. We didn't even have to fake out own deaths this time. Hey, I'm thinking of taking the act to L.A...


Cactus is turning a corner.

CACTUS Sounds like a plan. Life don't get much better than...

Cactus stops dead, a little freaked-out. He has turned into an alley Littered with a wall-to-wall LEGION OF STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD Cats. They all simultaneously blink. Cactus gulps. He treads slowly forward, tiptoeing through the feline minefield. The cats are surprisingly stoic, emotionless, and unmoving.

CACTUS Nice kitties, nice kitties, that's it, that's it...

Cactus comes to the end of the alley, wiping sweat from his face, exhaling with a "What the heck was that?" laugh. He gives a last look back, shaking his head, as he turns another corner into another alley. Again, he stops dead.

Unfolding out before him is a unified legion of familiar Catwomen, representing every shape and demographic. They all stare forward with an unsettling inner peace. Cactus pathetically quavers...

CACTUS Nice kitty...

MOM (deadpan step-forward) Meow.

The Catwomen explode into a feline battle cry and blitzkrieg forward into a tearing, scratching, biting mass-attack. Roaring with fear and frustration, Cactus bats back the front line and bolts away, shrieking into his wrist transmitter.

CACTUS Are you there, God? It's me, Cactus!


Heroically inhaling the air of Freedom, an eye-closed Brock victoriously breezes down the road...annoyed by an interruption.

CACTUS (TRANSMITTER) God, can you hear me!

BROCK Wha-at?

CACTUS (TRANSMITTER) Catwomen. Lots of them!

BROCK Oh come on, Cactus, be a man! The blimp is still on schedule, right?

A whip suddenly coils around Brock's neck wrenching him off his bike. The disembodied motorcycle/sidecar slams into a lampost.


Cactus barks to his wrist, keeping barely ahead of the chasing- pawing out army, like a mouse racing to a hole in the wall.

CACTUS Captain..where did you go? I can't...

Catwomen bite into his Herculean arm and hang there like snapping turtles. Cactus furiously shakes them off and hightails it into a wide-open area of the street. He unlatches a gun from his body armor and frantically loads it up on the run.

He swivels around with the weapon. A line of Catwomen Archers, including Mom, point bow-and-arrows stretched-to-kill right at him. Suddenly, they all tilt upward and fire. A confused Cactus looks up.


The whooshing wave of arrows ripple up into the Big Black Treasure Chest Blimp, causing it to Hindenburg and drop from the sky.


It Boulders right down upon Wile E. Cactus, with a perfect, crunching Thud. The chest cracks causing the diamonds and two very dazed Guards to avalanche out. Cop Carts come to a squeal around the recovered loot.

The Police Chief takes in the situation, noting Cactus's feet poking from the sunken chest like the falling-House-killed Wicked Witch. He looks all around. All he sees is a colossal tail disappearing into the darkness of an alley.


Whip strangled around his neck, Brock reaches up to Catwoman, and clutching her by her ears, flips her over his head. Slamming her to the ground, he gives her a savage elbow for good measure. She springs up as he thrusts forward. She swings her whip beneath and behind herself in a tail-between-her-legs motion that stings Brock in the face.

BROCK I thought cats were supposed to have nine lives, not thirty one! What do you think you're doing?


BROCK What do you want from me?

CATWOMAN At this point, a nap. Oh by the way, I killed your butler and your dog..

BROCK My dog!

Brock latches to the flailing whip and rips Catwoman to him for a slam across the jaw. He grabs her head by both hands and forces a kiss. With both paws, she claws down both his cheeks. They break off to malevolently pace toward and away from each other, waiting for a perfect attack opportunity.

CATWOMAN Oh Honey, it's so much better when we do it without the helmet.

BROCK (touching and licking wounds) I've been thinking. I've been thinking about us. I'm sorry I've been so hard no you these past couple days. I realize now it's because you're the only woman who ever understood me and I couldn't handle it! I've never revealed myself to anyone the way I have to you. Let's blow this town together. We'll run a bed-and-breakfast in Vermont by day, and by night, we'll dress up and kill anything that...


BROCK You were right all along--the two parts to a person are the reality and the lie. I was making good money as a top architect--but that's not who I am. I'm not an architect, I'm a..

CATWOMAN I know, I know, a Warrior. You're very annoying..Now tell me how to defuse the bomb you've set..

Catwoman swats out. Brock ducks and registers a sweet kidney punch. Catwoman cringe-stumbles forward then backflips into a hand-stand that comfortably allows her do a double eye-poke with her heels. Brock wails back then seethes forward more annoyed than angry.

BROCK Will you please stop fighting? Just let those people die so we can get on with our new lives together! Trust me, one day we'll look back on this day and laugh. You got to admit, it's a lot more fun to be the villain.

CATWOMAN You might be right, but Fun is overrated. I need something real.

BROCK Well then, let's agree to disagree...Now how about a picture for my scrapbook?

Brock sets off the earlier-seen ABSOLUTELY BLINDING FLASH from his belt buckle that sends Catwoman into a painful sightless screech. Brock angrily lays siege to the fighting-by-radar woman.

BROCK Don't you realize there's nothing you can do, anyway! Nine minutes and it's all over! The Fun Palace is a tomb. No one can get out. And choke on this furball: all doors and windows are blocked, locked, and electrified! Even the glass around the bomb is rigged.

CATWOMAN Even the skylight?

BROCK The "skylight?" Fool! It's too high for anybody to climb out the damn skylight...

CATWOMAN What about "climbing in?"

Brock stops battling to ponder what she's getting at. A black heel slams his wondering face out of frame.


The citizens in the casino are crashed on the floor and slumped against pillars, drained of energy and hope. Kelly and Didi hold each other as do many others. Some persistently pathetic victims rush the door in denial only to get zapped back again. The bomb reads 9:11, 9:10, 9:09...The viewer's viewpoint moves from the bomb and out the skylight directly above.


The Catwomen have formed a makeshift salon in the alley, percolating with pumping adrenaline and potential mood-swings.

CATBRIDE We did it!

RED CATWOMAN We didn't do anything! If it wasn't for us archery experts...

FEMALE EXEC CAT Oh honey, what else did you learn in summer camp? I didn't see you in the alley fighting to get him out into the open street! That's where the real Catwomen were!

The catwomen section off into shoving, infighting groups. A deafening cat-screech reverberates the brick of the alley. The Catwomen clutch their little ears and turn: Rising upon a turned- over trashcan, Catwoman shouts like Spartacus.

CATWOMAN Enough! Stop being victims--and stop being victimizers. What makes you women think we have the luxury of fighting each other! We've got work to do and all you want to do is whine! Everybody wants to grade the paper, but nobody wants to take the test.

ESMERALDA CATWOMAN What's the matter, Catwoman? Are you afraid of competition?

CATWOMAN I wouldn't know. I've never had any.

The Catwomen "ooh" her bad-ass attitude. Catwoman allows herself a smile.

CATWOMAN Okay, okay, simmer down. We don't have a lot of time. Don't pussy-out on me, now.


Brock huffs from an alley. He looks out to the Police roping off the demolished diamond spewing Treasure Box. Brock implodes in multi-megaton-rage then bolts back the other way.


A crowd builds before the Fun Palace--Media, Police, frantically worried loved ones. Officers valiantly assail the sparking doors of the Palace, but back away in sneering pain. The Police Chief drops his head and shakes it. A LITTLE GIRL steps from the defeated crowd and points up.

LITTLE GIRL Look Mommy! Catwomen.

All, including the viewer, look up. Scaling the face of the majestic casino like a tree in the backyard, the Catwomen heroically climb upward.


As military music hits the soundtrack, working a female Dirty Dozen vibe, Catwoman twists onto the roof. She rushes forward to the Palace skylight and clings out a plank of glass. The viewer's viewpoint does a complete Yo-Yo maneuver through the open window square all the way down to the bomb (reading 02:01..02:00..01:59..) and then all the way back up.

A cluster of Catwomen gather around their leader. All women turn to the sound of a loud thud. A mammoth paw swings onto the roof and then the Gargantuan Catwoman does a power roll up. She immediately trudges to the end of the skylight and holds out her hands. She grabs the ankles of the Red Catwoman and holds her upside down.

One by one, in descending order of size, the Catwomen give Catwoman a brisk hug and then proceed to climb down the dangling Red Catwoman to be held by the ankles. And so on. With commando precision, a human rope of dangling-upside-down, ankle-clutching Catwomen is formed.


Casino workers and patrons rouse themselves from the dead to bulge their eyes at the mysterious and miraculous sight of the forming Macrame of feline flesh.

Above, it is now Catwoman's turn. She gives a nod to the Gargantuan Catwoman (whose epic, mythic size allows one to suspend disbelief at the dubious physics of this whole endeavor). Catwoman makes her climactic descent. She clibs down the human chain of familiar once-at-war-now-at-peace felines, link by link.

CATWOMAN Hang in there, baby..hang in there, baby..Nice hair..hang in there, baby..

NUN CATWOMAN UPSIDE DOWN Whatever happens Catwoman. Thanks.

CATWOMAN You're doing great, Sister.

ESMERALDA UPSIDE DOWN (bestowing an honor) Good Luck, Catwoman.

CATWOMAN Gee, thanks....Hi, Mom.

CAT-MOM UPSIDE DOWN Hello, dear...

CATBRIDE UPSIDE DOWN Oh Catwoman #1, I don't think I can hold on for another minute...

CATWOMAN It's all right. Place goes up in thirty seconds...

Catwoman does a final crawl down past the High School Girl kitten, who with all her might, grasps on to Catwoman's heels as Catwoman flips back into a final hanging position, just within reach of the bomb. Catwoman stares down to the intensely complicated too-high tech explosive device. 00:31..00:30..00:29..

CATWOMAN Now what?

Catwoman breaks into a cackle that floats through the dead air of the terrified casino visitors and dribbles up the dangling chain of confused Catwomen. Catwoman remains amused as hell.

CATWOMAN What am I doing here? I don't anything about defusing bombs. I don't know anything..

Catwoman is ready to chuckle again. She spins to the frozen-in- fear faces of Kelly, Didi, the Mayor, Frank, and various fine American families. She swallows. The bomb reads 00:13, 00:12, 00:11..


With a perfect rooftop view of the Fun Palace below, Brock robustly stomps like a child waiting for the ball to drop in Times Square.

BROCK Ten! Nine! Eight!


The Fun Palace patrons lower their heads and close their eyes preparing for the inevitable. Catwoman stares intently at the bomb. The High School Kitten weeps from above, a tear rolling backwards off her face to raindrop upon Selina's mask. Catwoman licks it. 00:07, 00:06, 00

HIGH SCHOOL KITTEN We're all going to die, aren't we?

CATWOMAN Yes. (tough smile) But not tonight.

Catwoman unzips her little zipper and untucks from her mini- pocket, the strange, small, precise gold object Spooky gave her in her death throes. Catwoman reaches out with it to a section of the bomb that has an exact-shaped opening. She snaps the object into the opening of the bomb.

The bomb stops right between 00:01 and 00:00 (digitally displaying half-a-one.) The black metal sheets covering the windows triumphantly (if not overly logically) slam back up and the waves of electricity on the walls completely evaporate. Everyone loses their mind in well-deserved delirium.


Brock obliviously still rouses up for a fiery finale.

BROCK Three! Two! And One! Boom! ("maybe I got the time wrong") Two and One!

Brock spreads his arms out down to his view of the casino, cueing a mighty explosion that never comes. Smoldering, he bounds down a fire escape.


The rescued citizens joyously plow from the opening Fun Palace doors. They race into the arms of their loved ones as the crowd goes berzerk in relief. The Police Chief takes off his hat and wipes his sweaty scalp in that way Police Chiefs always do when dodging a bullet.


The High School Kitten lets go of Catwoman. She somersaults onto a perfect landing on the glass, giving a glance to the stopped bomb.

CATWOMAN Thanks, Rachel.

The High School Kitten adorably plops into Catwoman's arms. With Cirque de Soleil syncopation, the Catwoman unlatch and swirl down into a giddy human nets. They happily hug as if they just mid- wifed a messiah. The Mayor, Kelly, Didi, and even Frank swarm with thanks around Catwoman.

With the place emptying out, Catwoman and Mom move to the edge of the casino's water fountain to share a moment. Unwinding, Mom undoes her bow and arrow apparatus and sets it down.

CAT-MOM I'm so proud of you, Selina; Deep down, I've always been..we've always had a secret kinship..

CATWOMAN Stop. It can't be just "deep down" anymore. I've got no time for "unspoken bonds" and "secret kinships." I just can't do it that way anymore. You and me is something I have to be able to touch every minute of every day..

Mother and Daughter pull off their masks and gently kiss.


Other tender reunion scenes are going down outside the casino. The Mayor hugs his Wild-Haired Wife. The formerly vacuumed pair of Machine-gun toting Guards are being interviewed by the Media when Brock launches a double-punch across their jaws and takes their guns. He fulminates his weapons into the air sending everyone down.

BROCK Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain..If I'm going down, we're all going down together. Ladies first.

Brock opens the Cult of Good chestplate on his uniform like a mini-fridge. He removes a stored missile like a last beer. He activates the missile with his hand. It flares away from him toward the casino. The decidedly phallic weapon whooshes smoothly and deliberately, not at crazy-fast speed.


Chin upon her Mother's shoulder, maskless Selina's eyes widen as the sliding doors of the casino open to allow in the rocketing forward rocket.

SELINA Mom...get out!

Selina pushes her Mom away and bolts from the fountain. The missile winds right with her. On the run, Selina kicks out her left heel against a pillar snapping it off, then does the right heel on the next passing pillar. Out of the heels, Selina uses her extra speed to bound up the casin staircase.

The dawdling missile keeps right with her.

SELINA What is with this thing?


Catwoman hits the top of the staircase and pivots to the side, diving to the carpet. The missile breezes past her then comes to a purposeful stop. It turns around.

SELINA How does it know...Oh.

Light bulb buzzing on, Selina rips off her claw-glove. The stone on the ring Brock had given her is beeping on-and-off a light blue light--just like the tip of the harassing missile. Again, Selina tries to wrench off the evil trinket, then tries biting the damn thing from her finger. Nothing is working.


Brock shoves exiting-out Mom to the ground. She trembles in worry. Giving searching, seething glances to the casino, Brock continues to impatiently but omnipotently pace before the cowering-on-the-ground crowd.

BROCK Please die, please die...please just die already.


Selina slaloms through a series of pillars trying to throw off the goofy projectile, but it weaves along with her. Hittong the wall, she slams the "down" button of an elevator. It opens. She charges in. The missile whirs right at her. The elevator door is taking its sweet time closing. With a typical-annoyed-at-elevator sigh, Selina bangs on the DOOR CLOSE button.

Giving up, Selina hastens back out of the elevator. The missile sizzles closer and closer as the doors begin to close. Rising to the challenge, Selina gyrates back into the elevator. Running up the back wall, she backflips over the incoming weapon and out between the closing doors, trapping the little varmint inside.


Selina gallops to the Mezzanine railing and bounds up off into the air. She floats to a perfect feline landing upon the edge of the fountain, knocking off Mom's bow-and-arrow combo.

The sound of a PINGING elevator kills her glee. With the casual air of a businessman leaving for the day, the bomb putters out the opening door. Seeing Selina, it whooshes forward. Selina frantically dips her hand into the fountain trying to lubricate off her jinxed jewelry.


The casino doors ache open in slow motion. Glowing with Invincible Warrior Charisma, Selina/Catwoman strides forth raising up Mom's bow-and-arrow. She fires.

SELINA God is dead.

The arrow thunks benignly into Brock's superhero breastplate. He looks up with a "Is that the best you can do?" laugh.

The missile POV-lightnings behind Catwoman and whooshes THROUGH her legs. The height of subtlety, the overpowering reverse-angle has the missile erupting from Selina's haunches right at the viewer.

With sudden panic, Brock focuses down. The beeping blue Ring- tracking-device had been put snugly around the arrow Selina shot. Brock is at peace.

BROCK Wow. Beat by a girl.

Brock detonates in a vivid-as-PG-13-allows burst. Everyone wobbles up to raise their fist and cheer. The Mayor bellows out.

MAYOR Men and Women of Oasisburg, we have a new hero! Thy name is Catwoman! Catwoman?

The Mayor grandly swings his arms toward the casino. But Catwoman is nowhere to be seen.


As if stood up on date, the Mayor stands before an unveiled Catwoman statue, looking to his watch, dangling the Key to the City at his side. The Media and other City Council members crowded around the podium also look to their marches and sigh. Selina's voice purrs up into a vaguely Doc Seussesque coda.

SELINA (V.O.) I did not want the fame or the glory or the city's KEYS.


In a deft reworking of the Bat signal, a spotlight shaped like the head of a Cat slams up onto the Night Sky.


The viewer's viewpoint inhales from this image through a window into a bathroom where Selina is vegging out in an oh-so-relaxing bubble bath. She lifts a pair of cucumbers from her eyes to take in the shining Cat beacon. She shakes her head and rolls her eyes with a "You got to be kidding, I'm taking my bath" chuckle.

SELINA (V.O.) They said, "But you must protect our fair city!" I said, "Oh, PLE-EASE."


TWO THIEVES in cat-burglar black slam down a golf cart trunk full of merchandise and give each other high-fives. Catwoman prances forth. Using the shoulders of Thief One as leverage, she vaults up to kick Thief Two to the ground. Landing, she head-butts Thief One. As he drops, she does a dizzy step back, rubs her head, and runs off.

SELINA (V.O.) I still liked going out at night-- Don't get me WRONG. I just wanted the town to sing a new kind of SONG.


A PURSE SNATCHER bolts by a FEMALE VICTIM, ripping away her backpack. He then sheepishly walks back into frame, apologetically holding out the backpack, shrugging his hands up in a "I don't know what I was thinking" pose.


The earlier-viewed Rip-off Mechanic is hunkered down next to the earlier-viewed Ripped-off Female Customer. He is talking her through the repairing of her own motorcycle. Grease gently touched-upon both their faces, they take a break. Exhaling, they clink beer bottles into a weary toast.


The Working Class Husband (wearing a cryptic bandage on his neck) lounges like Scarface before a dressing room door as his Working Class Wife comes out to model a simple black dress. He applauds.

SELINA (V.O.) I wanted them to grow up, get wise, and stop waiting for a HERO. If they stopped being Fools on their own, the truth would become crystak CLEAR-O.


The sexist High School Teacher has a faded-but-still-highly- visible claw mark on his face. With concerned eye-contact, he delineates information to the goggled, beaker-boiling trio of the Three High School Ex-Kittens.


A team of STRONG-WILLED MALE AND FEMALE DOCTORS walk and talk down a hallway in spirited harmony, in oddly black lab coats. The viewer pauses before a passed door.


Inside, lying on her back in a black straightjacket in a padded black cell, Dr. Penelope Snuggle is drawing a caricature of cat's head with a white magic marker between her toes.

SELINA (V.O.) We stopped being lame and started being suave--It was really quite SIMPLE. Meanness and Smugness and Bossyness we popped like a PIMPLE.


Astonishingly-but-somehow-still-casually-dressed in black, Selina swings around a corner to slink down a very different Main Street. Like her, everyone has discarded their dorky visors and now where the coolest sunglasses even money can't buy.

Also gone are the golf carts as everyone, young and elderly, now politely thunder both sides of the street in sleek, shiny black motorcycles. It does not stop there. Everyone, Male and Female, has been re-decked out of their eyesore funwear and into ludicrously suave clothing of the subdued Calvin Klein variety (Mostly but not necessarily black).

Women pass each other in the street, nodding with knowing half- smiles. With sly, respectful body language, the Men interact with the Women, not with goddess-worshipping-wimpiness but with subtle, "just-happy-to-be-in-your-presence" grace.

SELINA (V.O.) A sense of Calm and Cool we do not LACK. One Hundred Degrees and we still wear BLACK.


Obnoxious as all get out, generic Tourist tribes scramble down an airport tunnel already squabbling about what-a-good-time-they- better-have. One T-shirt reads "WHERE'S MY FUN?" They freeze. Ahead of them, a panorama of disarmingly darkly dressed MALE AND FEMALE AIRLINE WORKERS are leaning into each other in intimate conversation.

As if bit by the same vampire, they all simultaneously turn and enigmatically smile to the Tourists. Spooked in deadpan tableau, the Tourists drop their bags and flee away back down the tunnel. A sweating Frank bustles into the frame to join them in their escape from the city.

SELINA (V.O.) The Old Kind of Tourist went screaming AWAY.


A NEW SET OF DARKLY DRESSED FAMILIES exuding an attitude of Intelligence and danger come down the airport tunnel, breaking into matching smiles with the sultry airport staff.

SELINA (V.O.) And now a new kind of Tourist has come to PLAY.


Unfazed by the periodically puttering past motorcyclage, Selina strolls the middle of the street, taking in the world's coolest city as if she was its secret, unhaughty Queen. A GIDDY TEENAGE COUPLE make out on the same park bench the Mayor and his Unrepressed Haired Wife are making out on.

Selina passes an eloquently modulated wedding being let out. The sweet young (ex-)Catbride is the bride who wears black. Pinkies interlocked, she drifts forward with her PERFECT-FOR-HER GROOM. Even the priest wears amazing dark eyewear. Bride and Groom swing over a motorcycle and breeze away past a saluting Selina.

The motorcycle rounds a corner where the Catbride's Grungy ex- boyfriend and Yuppie ex-boyfriend sit at the same cafe table. They smile and salute her...and then melt into a kiss, having finally found someone they are comfortable with.

Selina gently eases through a FIELD TRIP OF SMALL CHILDREN, who are in too-cool-for-school eyewear, being led before the spot where Brock blew up. It is still (ever-)smoking and flaming like the tomb of the unknown soldier. A plaque reads DEFY AUTHORITY.

SELINA (V.O.) Deep, deep, deep, into your own darkness you must DRILL. Only then, will each day be a sick, giddy THRILL.

Passing a sign reading SELINA'S FUN PALACE, Selina languorously treks toward the darkened and de-neoned, majestic-as-ever, Casino. Eerie yet wonderful music briefly takes over Selina's narration.


Selina glides through the sliding doors. She removes her sunglasses and hangs them on a hook with hundreds of other pairs on hooks. A nearby plaque reads "ONLY FOOLS WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. BUT THEN YOU KNEW THAT." Inhaling some bliss, Selina leans back against a wall, next to a thermometer reading 73 degrees.

She takes in the new surroundings of the Fun Palace. The lights are lower as well as the Tacky Factor. A softened Esmeralda, wearing a flute around her neck, tugs up the instrument and coolly blows. Didi and Kelly in new uniforms that are sexy, but artfully subdued mosey up along with MALE WORKERS, also in sexy, but subdued uniforms. All smile in intense discussion.

Selina's POV moves through the casino where everyone gambles with Bondian cool. By the roulette wheel, TWO GANGLY TWINS drape their arms around the Twin Overweight Ex-Catwomen. MULTI-EVERYTHING COUPLES waltz behind them in sensuous syncopation.

The earlier-noticed Female Exec and an EXECUTIVE MALE stride, from different directions up to the door of THE CLUB (formerly the Gentleman's Club). Both pull out gold card-keys at pretty much the same time. The Executive Male, with a refined cock of the head, demures to the Female Executive. She opens the door and the viewer follows them in.


Men and Women are mixed together before the stage in a mellow but enticing melange. Selina's Mom parades onto the stage in another dazzling cat costume going into a wild-not-too-wild-just-wild- enough dance number. Selina's narration creeps back.


The Catwoman outfit lies neatly folded in a dug-out desert hole. A clump of dirt thumps over it. Incongruously still in her sultry ensemble, Selina is revealed to be outside the open gate to the city, shoveling the desert dirt. Selina wrist-wipes her brow before shovel-patting down the filled up hole. She happily sighs.

SELINA (V.O.) We had put the Oasis back into Burg. I never knew Fun could be so much FUN. Happily ever after we lived-- happily ever after--all except ONE.

DJ OINK (V.O.) Well, well, the re-eal Catwoman! I hope you don't think I'm afraid of you.

The viewer's viewpoint pans to see DJ Oink has been buried up to his neck in desert sand. Selina saunters to stand over him. As he continues to rant, she unscrews a bottle labeled NIP and proceeds to Niagara the goo all over his face.

DJ OINK Oh sure, sure, tell a couple jokes, make a gross comment or two, and suddenly I'm the sacrificial lamb for every jerk in the world. That makes a lot of sense... (reacting to dribbling Nip) Hey, hey, what is that? Sunblock?

SELINA Whatever you say, babe.

Selina places a microphone down by Oink's disembodied face. She swivels off in a glide back toward the gate. She wears an absurdly long scarf that billows up into the desert breeze.

DJ OINK Hey, hey, come back here! This is officially not funny anymore. Hey, you listen to me when I speak to you, woman! Hey! Hey!

With a loud, rumbling purr, Dozens of diverse CATS pour past Selina toward their delightfully obvious destination.


A restaurant of ROMANTIC COUPLES look up from each other's eyes to beam up to Oink's screams on the intercom.


The working-class family, packed into a station wagon, listen to the shouts on the radio, smiling away.


The staff of the Fun Palace encircle a bar-top radio, grinning madly at the D.J.'s wails.


Back turned to the viewer, Selina continues her glorious strut back into the gates of the city. Beautiful, wonderful cats keep flowing past her.

The viewer's viewpoint violently jerks back to thunder across the desert floor away from the oncoming cats, Oink's wailing-from-the- back head, and the perhaps impolite confrontation about to occur.

The viewer then arcs grandly up into the air for a last awesome, all-encompassing look at the paradise of Oasisburg, heavenly rays of sun beaming downward. Into this perfect image comes, as the story's exclamation point, the figure of Adonis, limply hanging by his cape from his low-on-fuel-pathetically-chugging-up-and- down-across-the-sky jet pack.

SELINA (V.O.) Selina Kyle versus Catwoman--who will win? Who will LOSE? Come to Oasisburg-- the place where you don't have to CHOOSE.


- / Catwoman.
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