>>/ Dogma

/ Dogma ( 2)

: / Dogma.

/ Dogma

INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY

Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby, the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of the insipid creature.

Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters, taking his place at the head of the conference table.

WHITLAND

Good morning, shoppers.

(slaps a file on table)

Has anyone seen the over-night's?

An anticipatory hush fills the room.

WHITLAND

We creamed 'em.

A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.

WHITLAND

(reading from file)

And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special, we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow can't supercede those numbers and...

(stops and sniffs the air)

Do I smell onions?

Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.

Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.

WHITLAND

I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with?

The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.

WHITLAND

(to Bartleby and Loki)

Excuse me.

Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head. Loki lifts his head without looking up.

LOKI

(very distracted)

Hmm?

WHITLAND

May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?

LOKI

(still preoccupied)

My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way. Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions International?

WHITLAND

You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what the fuck you're doing in our conference room?

LOKI

(to Bartleby, still not looking up)

You may proceed, mon ami'.

BARTLEBY

I can't believe you.

(to Whitland)

I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he wants...

LOKI

(frustrated)

Just read 'em their rights already.

BARTLEBY

(sighs; circling the table)

Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'.

(beat)

Did I miss anything?

Whitland and company stare for a beat.

WHITLAND

You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this?

BARTLEBY

(grimly)

You and your board are idolators.

Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands beside Bartleby.

LOKI

(to Bartleby)

How could your forget the magazine?

Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the sculpture.

LOKI

It's you.

(sets sculpture on table)

Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo doll.

(sneezes; waits; continues)

A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the desired result is that the individual will feel the effects.

WHITLAND

(to nearest board member)

Call security - now.

Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.

LOKI

All lines are currently down.

BARTLEBY

(to Whitland)

Again -. I apologize for my friend's...

LOKI

(frustrated)

Would you just get on with it?!

BARTLEBY

(miffed; to Whitland)

You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord. You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality.

(looks to Loki; Loki nods)

Like you - Mister Bernard.

(stands behind board member)

Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids.

LOKI

In the bed you and your wife share, no less.

The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves on.

BARTLBY

And you, Mister Newman.

Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania' and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the room.

BARTLEBY

You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months later. You sent flowers to her wake.

The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves quickly around the table.

BARTLEBY

(not liking his job)

Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe and toxic materials because it was less costly.

Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.

BARTLEBY

You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have never misused your power here.

She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.

BARTLEBY

But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud.

Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear. Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.

LOKI

You're her father, you sick fuck.

Whitland begins sobbing.

BARTLEBY

(to Loki)

Can I go now?

LOKI

(cheerily rubbing his head)

Go on, you crazy kid.

Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.

LOKI

With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst you. Do you know what makes a human being decent?

(beat)

Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.

Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.

LOKI

I forgot my little voo-doo doll.

(looks at Whitland)

Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...

Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure. Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed. Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.

LOKI

I don't believe in voo-doo.

Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors burst open and Loki storms back in.

LOKI

But I do believe in this.

Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.

LOKI

(smiling)

It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure soul.

She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.

LOKI

But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.

He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.

OC BARTLEBY

(cautionary)

Loki!

Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.

LOKI

(to woman)

Sorry. Force of habit.

He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens her eyes and looks around.

INT STRIP JOINT - LATER

Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.

GANG LEADER

(to Gang)

Watch this shit.

(to Jay)

Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.

JAY

(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')

Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.

The Gang laughs hysterically.

GANGSTER 1

Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!

Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.

RUFUS

(elated)

I forgot you were down here! How long now?

SERENDIPITY

Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign?

BETHANY

What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here specifically to help me?

SERENDIPITY

Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric.

RUFUS

(joking)

Artsy-fartsy bitch.

SERENDIPITY

Who you calling artsy-fartsy?

RUFUS

(to Bethany)

Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem.

BETHANY

Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's a woman.

RUFUS

The girl's not a woman.

(to Serendipity)

No offense.

BETHANY

Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?

SERENDIPITY

(tugs on boobs)

What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.

RUFUS

Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a woman.

SERENDIPITY

Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally defines a woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see...

Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly, revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's.

SERENDIPITY

I lack definition.

OC JAY

Hey! They're getting a free show!

Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party.

BETHANY

(weary)

Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.

SERENDIPITY

How do you know Metatron?

(to Rufus)

How does she know Metatron?

RUFUS

This is the last Scion.

SERENDIPITY

(beat)

You're kidding.

RUFUS

Don't you see the resemblance?

SERENDIPITY

(stares at Bethany)

A bit.

(suddenly nervous)

Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.

BETHANY

I'm confused.

RUFUS

Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.

SERENDIPITY

Amen to that.

(swigs her beer and spits it out)

BETHANY

Then who is she?

SERENDIPITY

Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. I used to be an abstract.

BETHANY

Now I'm really lost.

RUFUS

Serendipity's an idea.

SERENDIPITY

Try all ideas.

BETHANY

Meaning?

SERENDIPITY

I'm a muse, stupid.

Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively.

BETHANY

I can't take much more of this.

(downs her beer)

RUFUS

(to Serendipity)

She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.

You can appreciate her frame of mind.

BETHANY

(to Serendipity)

So you - what - inspire people?

SERENDIPITY

What just went down with your friends over there-you don't think they thought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and passed it along to the boys.

RUFUS

If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now.

BETHANY

You made them sing that song?

SERENDIPITY

I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves. Thankfully, they took it.

BETHANY

Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea if it was given to them in a specially marked box.

SERENDIPITY

Dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-called intelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea.

RUFUS

Ain't that the truth.

BETHANY

Prove it. Give me a good idea.

SERENDIPITY

If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - as you say - dense.

BETHANY

(beat)

Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besides stupid ones?

SERENDIPITY

I used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth.

BETHANY

Movies?

SERENDIPITY

In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch.

BETHANY

What have I seen that you've been involved with?

SERENDIPITY

Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time.

BETHANY

Nine?

SERENDIPITY

The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off?

(Bethany nods)

I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

RUFUS

Which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing stripping?

SERENDIPITY

Well you remember why I left, right?

RUFUS

You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.

SERENDIPITY

And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn out real trash.

(to Bethany)

So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.

BETHANY

So what happened?

SERENDIPITY

Writer's block.

RUFUS

Writer's block?

SERENDIPITY

Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a grocery list.

BETHANY

What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.

SERENDIPITY

That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

BETHANY

Whose?

SERENDIPITY

God's.

BETHANY

You're saying God's a woman.

SERENDIPITY

Was there ever a doubt in your mind?

BETHANY

The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him.

SERENDIPITY

I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process.

RUFUS

Another one's that you can't jerk off.

SERENDIPITY

(to Bethany)

See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists than the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined.

BETHANY

(stunned)

God is a woman...

SERENDIPITY

I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can make it all better is...

BETHANY

...mom. God, it makes sense.

RUFUS

(to Serendipity)

Shit, you still have a knack for words.

SERENDIPITY

Not really useful in my new line of work.

RUFUS

What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?

SERENDIPITY

In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own. See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to save and enjoy... or sell.

(takes a drink)

Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.

RUFUS

How long are you going to keep this up?

SERENDIPITY

Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore - especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an excuse not to get laid...

(conspiratorily to Bethany)

...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand.

RLFLS

Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby?

SERENDIPITY

Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience.

RUFUS

They found a way back.

SERENDIPITY

(shocked)

God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?

BETHANY

You know about that?

SERENDIPITY

I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

RUFUS

Bethany's Catholic.

SERENDIPITY

My condolences.

BETHANY

What do you have against Catholics?

SERENDIPITY

Ever been to a Catholic mass?

BETHANY

Once or twice.

SERENDIPITY

It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave.

And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v.

You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it.

BETHANY

So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?

SERENDIPITY

When are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's a question of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you believe.

Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas.

JAY

Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!

Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~im room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown.

FIGURE

(deep, gutteral hiss)

Not born... shit into existence.

Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air.

JAY

Who farted?

SERENDIPITY

Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad.

BETHANY

What do you mean? What's that smell?

RUFUS

Don't tell me that's who I think it is.

SERENDIPITh

The stench should say it all.

BETHANY

Who the hell is it?!

SERENDIPITY

An excremental - the Golgothan.

BETHANY

A what?

RUFUS

A shit-demon.

The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group.

NO-MAN

No... man. ..of...woman.. born...

The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses.

GANG LEADER

(to Jay; loading his piece)

Friend of your's?

JAY

(to group)

Is this smelly fuck with us?

RUFUS

He's coming for Bethany.

JAY

(to Gang Leader)

Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang!

GANG LEADER

I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!

The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly, the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and Silent Bob look up.

The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling.

Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed.

JAY

(to Silent Bob)

I guess we're in charge of the gang now.

BETHANY

What the fuck happened?!?

SERENDIPITY

Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's for shit.

JAY

So's the rest of him.

RUFUS

No chance of taking him down?

SERENDIPITY

Gee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas.

RUFUS

You're right; let's book.

They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching a huge glob of shit through the air.

JAY

(running; seeing it coming)

SHIT!!!

Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire frame, and burns in an acidic fashion.

Jay stares, horrified.

JAY

Now that... is some powerful shit.

Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door.

SERENDIPITY

Quick! Get in!

Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity follows, pulling the door shut on top of them.

INT BASEMENT

Our heroes cower beneath the floor door.

JAY

What is that thing?

SERENDIPITY

You ever hear of Golgotha?

BETHANY

Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.

SERENDIPITY

(peering above)

Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybody on that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you, girlie.

Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips through it.

BETHANY

What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blasting through that door!

SERENDIPITY

Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forget what he came for.

Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts.

RUFUS

(indicating trickling shit)

Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...

SERENDIPITY

(off trickle)

JUMP!!!

The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode, dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself off, rolling it around in It's hands.

SERENDIPITY

If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping them out.

Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then, something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others continue moving back.

BETHANY

Bob, get down! Jay!

JAY

(to Silent Bob)

You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!

Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It's hand drops to the floor, and then so does It.

Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to Silent Bob.

BETHANY

(off Bob's canister)

What was that?

Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob.

BETHANY

(reading can)

'Knocks strong odors out.'

RUFUS

Way to go. tubby.

BETHANY

Why would you ever carrs this?

Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at jay.

JAY

What?!

RUFUS

(to Serendipity)

Who has dominion over this thing?

SERENDIPITY

Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: this thing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never allow it. It usually has some kind of backup.

RUFUS

Can you get some answers?

SERENDIPITY

I can give it a shot.

BETHANY

What's going on?

RUFUS

Serendipity's going to talk to that demon.

JAY

Cool! Can we watch?

SERENDIPITY

Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded.

JAY

Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his own language! See...?

(makes the universal metal sign)

he'd understand this.

SERENDIPITY

(shakes her head; to Rufus)

Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible.

(to Bethany)

I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-boy here. If there's anything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow.

BETHANY

(hugs her)

Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.

SERENDIPITY

I'm a better juggler.

(to jay and Silent Bob)

You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets. You should have seen that thing coming.

JAY

(to Bethany)

Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!

SERENDIPITY

Just watch out for Bethany. Go.

Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs.

JAY

(to Silent Bob)

Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what to do.

BETHANY

She told me that if you behave, she'll give you head.

JAY

(excited)

Yeah?.

BETHANY

Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you.

Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps.

OC JAY

(beat)

Shut up.

OC BETHANY

You shut up.

SERENDIPITY

(to Rufus)

Nice girl.

RUFUS

Comes from good stock.

SERENDIPITY

You haven't told her yet?

RUFUS

Not the right time.

SERENDIPITY

How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips...

RUFUS

The nails.

Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks up.

SERENDIPITY

Blasphemer.

Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise.

SERENDIPITY

Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.

RUFUS

(hugs her)

Good luck.

Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan.

SERENDIPITY

Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know.

EXT CHURCH -DAY

A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters.

MAN

And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind the movement - Cardinal Glick.

The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers.

GLICK

Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, who donated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that welcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday.

(off index cards)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Church has fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral and psychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules and ornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in an effort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that I present you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennial celebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with the first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil over the next year.

(applause)

Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throw out the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No. We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aesthetic and theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highest membership numbers on the planet.

A few applause ring out. Glick smiles.

GLICK

Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, for example...

(pulls out crucifix)

while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, we have decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressing symbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Would you relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two pieces of wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enough downers in my daily routine without having to deal with this visual everytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new, more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our new outlook.

Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes.

GLICK

See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into a church and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that whatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so...

REPORTER I

(interupting)

Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on john Doe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity?

Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes.

GLICK

C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we stand firm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder. Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about this little guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see it on chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde, MTV videos?

INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAY

The image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v. monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at the bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another.

LOKI

And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture.

BARTLEBY

We're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts.

LOKI

(off t.v.)

And that's the church we're heading to?

BARTLEBY

(steps to ticket window)

If you want to go home...

(to WOMAN in window)

Two tickets to New Jersey, please.

WOMAN

Jersey's sold out, sir.

BARTLEBY

Are you sure?

WOMAN

The computer says.

LOKI

Come on - how many people can possibly be going to New Jersey?

WOMAN

Enough to fill a bus.

BARTLEBY

(to Loki)

You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't just hit and run.

(to Woman)

When's the next one?

WOMAN

Same time tomorrow.

BARTLEBY

What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two buses a day?

WOMAN

I take it you've never been to the Garden State. Next.

Bartleby and Loki look around.

LOKI

There's no one else here.

WOMAN

Then I guess it's lunch time.

(she shuts her window)

LOKI

We should have learned to drive a long time ago. Infinite celestial power and we can't catch a bus.

BARTLEBY

Just shut up, this is your fault.

LOKI

You can either lament over our mass transit folly, or you can listen to my suggestion.

BARTLEBY

It's your suggestions that prevent us from negotiating what should be a simple matter of catching or staying on a bus!

LOKI

Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?

BARTLEBY

(stares at him)

Fly?

LOKI

We got wings, right? Let's use them.

OC VOICE

I wouldn't suggest that.

The pair spin and gawk.

AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby horns.

AZRAEL

You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you?

INT STRIP JOINT BASEMENT - DUSK

NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a circle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water and throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of his daze, turning his attention on Serendipity.

NoMAN

The Muse. They told us you were up here.

SERENDIPITY

Matter of perspective. NoMan. I like to think of it as 'down here'. I have a few questions for you, sir.

NoMan

Free us from these binds, that you may have answers.

SERENDIPITY

(heads toward it)

Okay.

(stops; sarcastic)

Oh wait. I'm smarter than that.

NoMan lets out a bellow.

SERENDIPITY

Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I get answers. This can go hard or easy. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now, you can start by telling me why you're on this plane?

NoMAN

(beat)

Liquidate the Last Scion.

SERENDIPITY

See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was it Lucifer?

NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion.

NoMAN

Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will be prince of this world - and the fate of those who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his whimsy. And then he will sever reality and crush existence, like a thumb punctures a fontanell, giving peace to those who've been without for so long.

SERENDIPITY

Did Bartleby and Loki send you?

NoMAN

Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the conflicted one, that this world may die screaming. No power - divine or inherited - threatens the crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry of the abandonned, begging your God to put an end to the madness. And only as being becomes not, will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant while the dream perished in a blink. Your God is not dead - He's brain dead.

SERENDIPITY

She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead. And no She's not. Stop trying to be so spooky. Tell me who sent vou, or I'll use whatever influence I have below' to make Hell even worse for you.

NoMAN

You speak of Azrael.

(he laughs)

We pity you. Muse. You're still playing the old game. The one that could have made good on your threat is gone.

SERENDIPITY

What do you mean. gone? He escaped?

NoMAN

No soul escapes Hell, but one.

(beat - as if It's heard something)

Would that I could cross the threshold of your confining circle, I would crush your half-life throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this mockery of a prison. We will come back for the girl. And when we do, it will take more than fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her head.

NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt.

INT TOY STORE - DAY

Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed animals.

BARTLEBY

Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?

AZRAEL

I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. I don't have much time. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.

BARTLEIBY

You lied?

LOKI

Go figure. Him. A demon.

(to Azrael)

Why'd you bring us in here?

AZRAEL

Because you two fucks are inches away from getting yourselves caught. Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings... don't you have any idea what's going on?

LOKI

We're going back home.

AZRAEL

Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?

BARTLEBY

Why not? We're going back clean.

AZ RAEL

Let me let you in on a little secret, okay: everyone is looking for you. Both sides - above and below. The orders are to terminate you on sight.

BARTLEBY

(shocked)

Why?

AZRAEL

You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might just succeed where he's failed so many times, making him look bad.

BARTLEBY

So they're going to kill us?!?

AZRAEL

They're going to try'. That's why you have to travel incognito - tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. Go about this thing more subtly. Quit killing people - that's high profile. And for God's sake, don't uncase your wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because the minute you let them flap, legions of thrones and hordes of demons will fight each other over who gets to kill you first.

(looksOC)

Shhhh!

A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the items on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter on the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter further down the aisle, oblivious to the trio.

DAUGHTER

Mommy, that man had horns.

Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on.

AZRAEL

That's the kind of shit I'm talking about!

LOKI

Oh, lighten up.

BARTLEBY

(still reeling)

I can't believe they want to kill us.

AZRAEL

Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion looking for you.

LOKI

You're kidding!

AZRAEL

This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides, and they'll stop at nothing to prevent it.

LOKI

If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting for us too?

AZRAEL

Because I want to see you go back. You were both given a raw deal; almost as raw as mine. If you make it back, then I figure there's hope for me.

(looks around)

In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.

BARTLEBY

Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.

AZRAEL

Would you expect anything less from a demon. I have to get back to the Pit, before they get suspicious.

(turns to leave)

LOKI

Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad as they say?

AZRAEL

Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs. Doubtfire' continuously for two years now.

(exits)

LOKI

(looks at Bartleby)

Shit man - that is punishment.

EXT CONTRYSIDE - NIGHT

The Train chugs through the darkness.

INT TRAIN - NIGHT

Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window.

RUFUS

How you coping, kid?

BETHANY

It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on things. something wholely unbelievable presents itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed home.

RUFUS

You sound like the Man.

BETHANY

(beat)

What was He like?

RUFUS

Jesus? Black.

BETHANY

Besides that.

RUFUS

The brother was centered. I mean, He was God, right? But I think He felt left out because He was more than human, you know? We used to sit around the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holes the Romans were or getting laid...

BETHANY

Some things never change.

RUFUS

...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling. We'd ask Him why He never joined in the convo, but He said He just liked to hear us talk; about anything. Said it was like music. I think He just wished He had unimportant shit to talk about himself.

BETHANY

How does He feel now?

RUFUS

He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.

BETHANY

Having beliefs isn't good?

RUFUS

I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled with living as He was. Maybe it had

something to do with knowing when He was going to die. but Christ had this vitality that I've never encountered in another person since. You know what I'm saving?

BETHANY

He was big on life?

RUFUS

It was more than that. He was the only person I ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient of life-affirming activities.

BETHANY

Sex.

RUFUS

Debate. That's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. In all it's forms. People spend their whole lives debating: we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. We believe that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and give up. People say that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is living. I'm even guilty of it myself, the way I go on about Christ's ethnicity, fighting for the truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death, the only way I know how to live is through debate. That's sad, isn't it?

BETIIANY

Not if you believe it's important for people to know.

RUFUS

A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die for it. People kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. And whether they know it or not, Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me. all of this... ends in a heartbeat.

(beat)

All over a belief.

Bethany nods. Rufus looks around.

RUFUS

I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.

BETHANY

They went to the lounge car to smoke.

(getting up)

I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting into any trouble.

RUFUS

I'm going to catch a few z's. Forgot how tiring living can be.

Bethanv heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to an unseen party.

BETHANY

You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?

JAY

Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. You in?

BETHANY

And who are your new friends?

JAY

They just got in at the last stop.

Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends.

JAY

This is Larry and Barry.

Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany.

LOKI

Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him.

EXT TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT

The train rushes over head.

INT LOUNGE CAR - LATER

Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits, trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily.

Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth.

BETHANY

You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't have to keep me company.

BARTLEBY

It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time later.

(beat)

So why are you heading to Jersey?

BETRANY

There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do. How about you?

BARTLEBY

We're going home.

BETHANY

Do you two live together?

BARTLEBY

Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys?

B ETHANY

God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me.

BARTLEBY

They're funny as hell. The big one never says a word.

BETHANY

I wish the little one would take a cue from him. But they're okay, as far as stoner's go.

BARTLEBY

Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them, and he usually hates people.

BETIIANY

How long've you two been together?

BARTLEBY

Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little flaky sometimes, but we've got a lot in common.

BETHANY

How'd you meet?

BARTLEBY

We were stationed together.

BETHANY

See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-in-arms about this 'out-in-the-military' issue.

BARTLEBY

What do you mean?

BETHANY

Well there's all that macho bullshit about it being 'This Man's Army'. And you two meet and hook up while in the service, which is so special - because it's so hard to meet anyone you can seriously relate to...

BARTLEBY

(catches on)

You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay.

BETHANY

(laughs)

Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed...

BARTLEBY

No. We live together and all, but at the end of the night, I go to my room. and he goes to his.

(beat)

Why? Do I come off as gay?

BETHANY

(laughing)

No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of fouled up my relationship awareness barometer.

BARTLEBY

You're divorced?

BETHANY

That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it being dumped.

BARTLEBY

I was dumped once. More or less.

BETHANY

It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly question your value - like why was I so easy to cast aside? Didn't I have merit?

BARTLEBY

And you wonder if the other party's going to come to their senses and call you back.

BETIIANY

The worst is that I still think like a couple. After all these years, I still have the 'we' mentality.

BARTLEBY

Mine grew out of what was really a stupid misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that grew into a total withdrawl of communication. Abandonment. And even though it was years ago, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was replaced by someone. A lot of someones.

BET HANY

And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time...

BARTLEBY

...when actually, it hurts more.

BETHANY

(beat)

You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot of drinks. Do you agree?

BARTLEBY

Whole-heartedly.

INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

Rufus continues to slumber.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with Silent Bob.

LOKI

I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized religion and society's battle against it. The Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led by the Emperor. And the Emperor is a practitioner of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force. And the Force is basically a religion.

(Silent Bob nods)

So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and the Imperial government is run by this old religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic government - a government run by the church. So Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that government to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what is, in essence, holy mother church.

Silent Bob nods in understanding.

Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty glasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and surreptitiously spits it out.

BARTLEBY

You're saying you still go to church?

BETHANY

(laughs)

Every Sunday.

BARTLEBY

Does it do anything for you?

BETHANY

(thinks)

Gives me time to balance my check book every week.

BARTLEBY

See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't go to church and feel spiritual. They go to church and feel bored. But they keep going. Every week. Out of habit.

BETHANY

Or in habit, if you're a nun.

BARTLEBY

Oh... that wasn't very funny at all.

BETHANY

A friend of mine told me that church is like bad sex:it's messy and there's no foreplay...

(starts laughing)

No. that's not it. I am so buzzed.

BARTLEBY

When do you think you lost your faith?

BETHANY

I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God?

(beat)

Apparently not.

(swigs her drink)

How about you? When did you lose your faith?

BARTLEBY

Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore.

BETHANY

She. And how do you know She was listening in the first place?

BARTLEBY

(thinks)

I guess I don't.

BETHANY

I hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you with age. When you're a kid, you never question the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, and He's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give anything to feel that way again. Which is why I guess I let myself get talked into this pilgrimage. I needed proof. And the opportunity presented itself to find out if it is like they told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you - the last few days, I've come across some interesting people that lend toward convincing me.

BARTLEBY

Where's this pilgrimage to?

INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

Rufus stirs. He looks around and stretches.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Bethany and Bartleby continue their discussion.

BETHANY

You'd never believe me if I told you.

BARTLEBY

Try me.

BETHANY

Alright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to this church in New Jersey.

BARTLEBY

Really...

INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

Rufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the cars and exits.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Bethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued.

BETHANY

I was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering the church. They're trying...

(laughing)

This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get back into Heaven.

INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

Rufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Bartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted.

BETHANY

See, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago, right? And if they get back in, it proves God wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her wrong would...

(laughing hard)

..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just saying it.

Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him.

BETRANY

(laughing)

But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an angel? Two, even! I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.

Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table.

BARTLEBY

Maybe you're supposed to kill them?

Bethany breaks into hysterics.

INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

Rufus pulls open another door and exits.

INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT

Bethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby.

BETHANY

Oh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I mean. how do you kill an angel?

BARTLEBY

I don't imagine it's much different...

(slowly lifts the knife)

...from killing a human...

The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in.

RUFUS

Where the hell is everybody? I wake up, and...

He sees Bartleby. They both freeze.

BARTLEBY

The Apostle!

RUFUS

Holy shit!

BETHANY

(stumbling to her feet)

Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry...

Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to her throat.

BETHANY

(chuckiing)

Barry! Don't be such a show off!

RUFUS

Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's talk about this.

BARTLEBY

After all this time, this is what it comes down to -slaughtered by this meat puppet?!

RUFUS

There doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work this out...

BETHANY

Is that a knife?

BARTLEBY

Oh. we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work the blade in and out of her thorax!

(calling over shoulder)

Loki!

Loki catches the action and reacts.

LOKI

Holy shit - the Apostle!

He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up.

jAY

(half asleep)

I didn't come in you, I swear...

(looks around)

Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them.

LOKI

(to Rufus)

What are you doing here?

BARTLEBY

They're here to thwart our journey home, my friend. This one just told me that she's supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering a church.

LOKI

You think she was talking about us?

BARTLEBY

I'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do you say, Rufus - we're to be liquidated?

RUFUS

It doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't thought about the consequences of re-entry!

LOKI

Consequences, schmonsequences.

BARTLEBY

I have to agree with him. No one - not you, and especially not this finite-lifer - no one is going to impede us. We're going home, regardless of whose pride it may hurt!

RUFUS

It's not a question of pride, it's...

BARTLEBY

Loki - kill the girl

LOKI

(beat)

What are you, high?

BARTLEBY

Do it!

LOKI

I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that. And it looks like she's 'on the job', so to speak...

BARTLEBY

Fine! I'll kill her myself...

A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder.

JAY

(oblivious to the situation)

Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a fatty boom-batty, biggety blunt!

Bartleby turns the knife on him.

JAY

(not quite getting it yet)

We having cake or something?

Loki backhands Jay, stunning him.

JAY

(dazed)

In grates...

Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him down the aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethany collapses.

RUFUS

TUBBY! THE DOOR!

Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabs Loki by the collar.

LOKI

Wait, man! Can't we talk about this?!

He throws Loki out the door, off the train.

Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufus in the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. They careen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby's back and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams the door closed and leans against it.

The Bartender stares at him.

Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door.

SILENT BOB

No ticket.

Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily.

BETH ANY

I should have known something was wrong when he paid for all the drinks.

INT UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT

A door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows.

LOKI

The Apostle is here!

BARTLEBY

I noticed.

LOKI

If that's the case, then chick with him must be...

BARTLEBY

The Scion, I'd imagine.

(leans against the wall; slides down)

LOKI

(in a panic)

Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole thing! I mean, you heard the guy - he said there were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked. Maybe there's more to this than we thought about.

Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor has changed. He stares into space.

BARTLEBY

There sure is.

(beat)

It's them.

LOKI

(beat)

What?

BARTLEBY

(shakes his head)

Them.

LOKI

(thinks)

The movie about the giant ants?

BARTLEBY

Them - the humans. It's what it all comes down to. you know? Us against humanity... kind of like that giant ant movie.

LOKI

(beat)

Are you alright?

BARTLEBY

I'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my friend.

LOKI

An... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen.

BARTLEBY

When that sweet, innocent girl let her mission slip, I suddenly understood it all - everything. For the first time in all these eons, I get it.

LOKI

(beat)

Get what?

BARTLEBY

In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then He created the humans. And He gave them more than He ever gave us. Our's was designed to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. But He gave the humans more - He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, choose to acknowledge Him. All this time we've been down here, everyday I felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure it must have pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. But we feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -as servants. Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them.

LOKI

You know - maybe you should take a nap or something.

BARTLEBY

Loki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's always the humans. They were given paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors; and some of them don't even believe He exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and made it dark and crimson.

(looks at Loki)

I asked you to lay down your sword years ago - why?

Because I felt sorry for them. And where did it get us?

Thrown out.

(smiles)

We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

LOKI

Wait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking about the Last Scion, for Christ's sake! And what about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys were alright.

BARTLEBY

Don't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get the best of you, as they did me way back when. Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless, our sins are forgiven by passing through that arch. No harm, no foul.

LOKI

That sounds thin.

BARTLEBY

Fine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew of people. Maybe amidst the body count, He won't notice.

LOKI

Oh, that's being realistic.

Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall.

BARTLEBY

I'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the Almighty Himself - is going to make that otherwise.

Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him.

LOKI

Shit.

He follows.

EXT CAMP FIRE - NIGHT

Another Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. It is lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshift fire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads the paper.

BETHANY

I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. You threw those guys off.

RUFUS

A very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.

BETHANY

And what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy almost gutted me, for God's sake!

JAY

He had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd have to have the knife at your stomach.

BETHANY

Semantics! Semantics that don't even answer mv question.

RUFUS

Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy.

BETHANY

What do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill them -just stop them from going into that church.

RUFUS

And how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them with a game of Bingo?

BETHANY

I've never killed anything before in my life!

JAY

I'll do it.

RUFUS

Shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, let alone an angel.

JAY

Fuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next guy.

RUFUS

Oh yeah? How' would you do it?

JAY

I'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard Target'. D'jou see that flick?

RUFUS

(ignoring jay; to Bethany)

Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you have to cut off their wings. which then makes them human. From that point on, it's the same as killing anything else - head or heart, take your pick.

BETHANY

You say it as if it's easy.

RUFUS

(oblivious to Jay)

Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off even if we wanted to. All this time away from the Divine Presence should have made those two weaker - and those guys felt far from weak. Either that or someone's protecting them - someone with juice.

BETHANY

So then we're screwed?

(shrugs)

Shit, that's the best news l've heard in days.

RUFUS

This doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them.

BETHANY

Count me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - both psychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick back and wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctor ordered.

JAY

I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die.

RUFUS

What are you babbling about now?

JAY

If I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on living, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd be okay, because I know I'm not missing anything.

BETHANY

See? You know it's right when even he's making sense.

JAY

Besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob.

RUFUS

So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid?

JAY

(thinks)

No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid.

BETHANY

Now that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finally know - why me?

JAY

Because you've got nice tits.

BETHANY

I wasn't talking to you!

(to Rufus)

Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come

clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come I got tapped?

Rufus looks at her. He shrugs.

RUFUS

Family ties.

JAY

That show's funny as hell.

RUFUS

Shut up.

(to Bethany)

Do you know what the Apocryphal books are?

Bethany shakes her head no.

RUFUS

Most of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls - ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church officials had already established as the basis of their religion. They couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave certain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up the Apocrypha.

BETHANY

What's this have to do with me?

RUFUS

You've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the material together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely sterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entire Old Testament, the history of Christ...

(let's her take it in)

Forget about my whole black angle for a minute...

JAY

We might if you'd quit bringing it up.

Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivous to Jay.

RUFUS

He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about the eighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of it were thown out, forever lost to the faithful.

BETHANY

I don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out?

RUFUS

Because it was all closely tied in with His family.

BETHANY

His mother and father?

RUFUS

His brothers and sisters.

BETHANY

(beat)

Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception.

RUFUS

Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife never humped her husband - that's just gullibility.

BETHANY

(sudden realization)

MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!?

RUFUS

All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories about hearing them through the walls when He was a kid.

(beat)

So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was the salvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to a Christ that still walks.

BETHANY

Meaning?

RUFUS

The blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the man you call Jesus.

(hand on her shoulder)

You're His great-grand-niece.

Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips.

JAY

(takes a hit from his joint)

So... that would make Bethany part black.

(to Silent Bob)

Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father.

RUFUS

I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now?

OC VOICE

You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master who instructed me.

Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree.

METATRON

God. l've always wanted to say that.

RUFUS

The voice.

NIETATRON

(mimicking his shock)

The Apostle!

(sits down with them)

BETHANY

Now you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife to my throat?

METATRON

I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you?

RUFUS

What are you doing here anyw'ay?

METATRON

I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd join in with a confession of mine own.

JAY

Now who's this mother fucker?

RUFUS

This is the Voice of God - show some respect.

JAY

The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him?

METATRON

Funny you should mention that - we're not sure.

BETHANY

Excuse me?

METATRON

Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was well within the realm of His control?

RUFUS

If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped?

METATRON

You know those constitutionals He likes to take?

BETHANY

Constitutionals?

RUFUS

I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.

(to Bethany)

God's a skee-ball fanatic.

METATRON

Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright?

(to Bethany)

Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years - He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children. Isn't that sweet?

BETHANY

But She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you're getting at?

METATRON

(to Rufus)

'She'? I take it she's met the Muse.

(to Bethany)

No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her.

RUFUS

Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback.

M ETAT RON

No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quite well-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to be killed in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody knew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion - He's trapped in a body.

RUFUS

So God's not dead...

JAY

He's brain dead.

METATRON

So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit that we're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people looking everywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able to smoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves.

RUFUS

Can it be Lucifer?

METATRON

Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. I know they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as everyone else.

RUFUS

Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets?

METATRON

Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one.

JAY

(excited)

Yeah?

Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads.

BETHANY

Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as a test?

METATRON

No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough - how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of God belonged on the back of a milk carton?

RUFUS

So what do we do now?

M ETAT RON

I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas.

JAY

(off paper)

Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?

METATRON

I beg your pardon?

JAY

Here.

(hands group the paper)

BETHANY

(reading)

'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'?

JAY

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

BETHANY

(reading)

'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering and questionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning the traditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sized lap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn't like a pool party?"

JAY

Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right?

METATRON

Good Lord - he's got a point.

BETHANY

I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain the situation somehow.

RUFUS

'We'? You're back in?

BETHANY

Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down the family.

(smiles)

METATRON

(off Silent Bob)

Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles.

Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She back-hands him.

TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL

Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal.

ALTAR 1

The same boring cereal again?

A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above.

CHRIST

Man cannot live on boring cereal alone!

ALTAR I & 2

IT'S JESUS!

Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash.

CHRIST

Why not try Hosties!

CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk follows.

CHRIST VO

New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with an angelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk!

Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal happily.

CHRIST

Hosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one is blessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and good for the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand...

Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping.

ALTAR 2

I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry...

CHRIST

(smiling benignly)

You're forgiven.

Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily.

CHRIST

So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it...

A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal.

POPE

They're Heavenly!

INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSK

A hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles.

GLICK

Well...? Doesn't it pop?

Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words.

JAY

(After a long beat)

Does it come in chocolate flavor?

The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned glass.

GLICK

You see? Now this one's got vision!

(to Jay)

We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids, back to school and all.

BETHANY

It's a bit... startling.

GLICK

Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit, get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing them to the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at any denomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know the Catholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some new ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - like with the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

(sits at his desk, lights smoke)

RUFUS

Kind of like the tobacco industry?

GLICK

Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the same demographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to play a bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear the cloven hooves and carry the pitch fork.

Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob.

OC BFTHANY

We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. My friends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance to talk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony.

The Cardinal blows smoke rings.

GLICK

You'd like to help out in some way?

BETHANY

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the re

dedication.

GLICK

(pauses mid-ash-tap)

I beg your pardon?

Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose.

OC BETHANY

There's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.

The Cardinal leans back in his chair.

CLICK

What is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation?

(pause)

Are you pro-choicers?

BETHANY

No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues...

Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly.

BETHANY

Uh... these guys who think they're renegade angels.

RUFL'S

See padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passing through the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but the brothers are convinced it's the truth.

Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition, resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob shakes his head.

OC GLICK

And you want me to call off the ceremony... for that?

Bethany leans forward in her seat.

BETHANY

Well. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turn violent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens.

RUFUS

These guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people with them. Call this thing off.

CLICK

(beat)

Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upset that we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss?

RLFLS

We were sent by Him who is called I Am.

GLICK

Cute.

(standing)

Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over.

RUFUS

(to Bethany)

Worked for Moses.

BETHANY

Stay out of this.

(to Glick)

Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting to happen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned...

GLICK

...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the lives of all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of the Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself.

BETHANY

You can't say Himself; it could be a woman.

GLICK

(rubs temples)

Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of our almighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man with very important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please...

RUFUS

I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.

GLICK

The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

RUFUS

What about the church's silent consent to the slave trade?

BETHANY

And it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?

CLICK

(beat)

Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. Now I've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go.

BETHANY

But tomorrow...

CLICK

(losing it)

Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labor two years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremony be a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Two just to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band of pranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment! This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for the massive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness the Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign! And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God...

(glares at Bethany)

... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully!

He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition.

GLICK

AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!!

]ay slowly looks over the partition.

EXT SEASHORE

The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived.

EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING

Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign that welcomes motorists to New Jersey.

INT BAR - DAWN

The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A BARTENDER.

BETHANY

I can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "Existence Erased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape.

RUFUS

It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape.

JAY

That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guy in the dress.

(to Silent Bob)

Hand it over.

Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat.

BETHANY

Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it.

RUFUS

You stole the Cardinal's driver?

JAY

I told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least a couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there.

BETHANY

What do we do now?

RUFUS

Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway.

BETHANY

Not that - about Bartleby and Loki!

RUFUS

We have no choice but to try to kill them.

BETHANY

(to Rufus)

But you said they couldn't be killed.

OC VOICE

Correction : they won't be killed.

The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar.

AZRAEL

And just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, until the two idiots pass through that arch.

JAY

Hey...!

BETHANY

He wasn't talking about you two.

OC VOICE

There's only one idiot here, .Azrael...

Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity stands in the doorway.

SERENDIPITY

And that's you.

AZRAEL

The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.

BARTENDER

(suddenly noticing Azrael)

Hey. Where'd you come from?

AZRAEL

Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately...

(checks watch)

...onehour.

BARTENDER

Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go.

AZRAEL

Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone.

Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers.

SERENDIPITY

I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind all this.

RUFUS

Is that who I think it is?

SERENDIPITY

None other than.

BETHANY

Who is it?

SERENDIPITY

That's my worst suspicions confirmed.

The Bartender relents.

BARTENDER

Alright - one drink. Then you're gone.

AZRAEL

Gimme a Holy Bartender.

BARTENDER

Never heard of it.

AZRAEL

(to the group)

He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.

You know - don't you, Muse?

SERENDIPITY

Azrael... don't.

AZRAEL

(ignoring her)

Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender.

Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender. The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies.

AZRAEL

Get it?

SERENDIPITY

Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!?

RUFUS

(rushing him)

C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a brother whose already dead!

The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany.

AZRAEL

(joining them)

You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room -the Christ-Bitch will join you.

SERENDIPITY

I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do you know what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?!

AZRAEL

I'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawns are moving in to check-mate as we speak.

Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs.

JAY

I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one!

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING

A formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from the front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism - Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up.

Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech.

GLICK

I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton, for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this little parish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her.

(crowd laughs)

Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular little hundred years young House of God...

OC BARTLEBY

This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore.

The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly followed by Loki.

BARTLEBY

He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you - His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans - prepare to taste God's wrath!

LOKI

(whispering)

Maybe we should just go.

BARTLEBY

You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all!

Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair.

CLICK

These are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist them off the church grounds.

The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm.

COP

Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride...

Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder.

BARTLEBY

Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

COP

Is that so? Well, let's just...

Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around in one brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight.

BARTLEBY

(releasing dead Cop)

Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty Lord. And this very day - I assure you - you will all pay for your tresspasses... in blood.

(to Loki)

Wings. Now.

LOKI

I'm not so sure...

BARTLEBY

DO IT!

INT BAR - LATER

Azrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. The Stygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks.

BETHANY

You're a muse too?

SERENDIPITY

Former muse. He was kicked out.

AZRAEL

Tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Almighty.

SERENDIPITY

You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.

AZRAEL

Ever the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you left Paradise, you did it finally because you couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited upon your own brother.

BETHANY

He's your brother?!

SERENDIPITY

Not technically. We were created at the same time.

AZRAEL

To compliment one another. Two spirits of pure inspiration.

BARTLEBY

So what happened?

AZRAEL

Yes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his little war for the throne. Heaven became divided into two factions - the faithful and the renegades. The ethereal planes were chaotic with battle, angel against angel. And when it was all over, Cod cast the rebels into perdition.

SERENDIPITY

But Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally himself to God or Lucifer. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.

JAY

What are you - some kind of fucking chicken?!

AZRAEL

I was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle! Our job is to create - not destroy!

SERENDIPITY

So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those that wouldn't fight, and my brother here was sent down with the demons. Something he considers a grave injustice.

AZRAEL

Don't tell me that you never questioned the judgement, Serendipity; that you don't think the Almighty acted too rashly?

SERENDIPITY

You've been waiting for millions of years to ask me that, haven't you? It's been on your mind since the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you this long.

AZRAEL

Well?

SERENDIPITY

No, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell you why:

you stood behind your office, you prick. So you were an artist - big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King... and you're a schmuck.

BETHANY

So all this is about revenge?! You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?!

AZRAEL

After the first million years, revenge was the farthest thing from my mind. Self-preservation became the only necessity.

RUFUS

Meaning?

AZRAEL

Escape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself; which flnallv did. in the form of the plenary indulgence And while I couldn't exercise it myself. I knew the perfect vessels through which I could free myself from torment.

RUFUS

Bartleby and Loki.

AZRAEL

After that, it was a simple matter or waiting for a church to celebrate their Centennial, and when that finally happened, applying some of the old inspiration tactics - bv sending the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven's radars, and aside from the Triplets and the Gologothan, no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on.

(smiles)

Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I triumphed over the Power in a way he never dared or dreamed.

(shakes it off)

But no plan, no matter how intricate, could succeed if the Almighty was in the realm of the quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.

BETHANY

How so?

AZRAEL

Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are to success. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have been even more helpful in insuring my success than by just supplying the clean-slate archwav.

(gets up)

The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last Scion. I'm amazed that someone up there would have the balls to make a move without the Lord's say-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled upon my boys on that train. But alas, here you are - powerless to stop the inevitable.

BETHANY

Look, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence - even you.

AZRAEL

(beat)

Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do you know that once Hell was nothing more than the absence of Cod? And if you'd ever been in His presence. then you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along - and made it so much worse.

BETHANY

Humans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a shitbag demon like yourself is.

AZRAEL

Evil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But true to his irresponsible nature. man won t own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enough for him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pitt - fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to get out of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It is beyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins you commit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So you bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horrid imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic beihg.

(beat)

Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look...

Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into 240 frames of film.

Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrolably.

AZRAEL

I'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

SERENDIPITY

(holding up Bethany)

You're still thinking only about yourself, you fuckmg child.

AZRAEL

Now, now, now. Things are getting too tense in here. What say we watch a little t.v.

(grabs remote control)

JAY

Put on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'!

A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick.

JAY

Hey!

AZRAEL

I was thinking more along the lines of current events.

On the T.V. - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera, obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard.

REPORTER

...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have laid waste to St. Michael's... Bullets don't seem to affect them... police who were on the scene are dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their knees, identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse.. I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree with them..

(looking OC)

NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!

(pulls gun)

PLEASE!! Please...

He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank.

AZRAEL

(snapping off tv.)

You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. I'd be pissed, but in a couple of minutes, it won't matter anymore.

While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps to attention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, then back at her. He nods.

Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two.

AZRAEL

Now what was that all about?

SERENDIPITY

Hunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye.

AZRAEL

(getting up)

Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -get the guy killed? Now who's the fucking child? What did you tell him - to hit me with the golf club? Are you serious?

(picks up golf club)

I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me with athletic equipment?

(hands club to Silent Bob)

Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift.

(stands back and hits his own chest)

Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon, bright boy.

The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed.

AZRAEL

Don't you know anything?

Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the club with all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck and shit everywhere.

Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the Stygian Triplets by the throats.

SERENDIPITY

BETHANY! BLESS THE SINK!

BETHANY

WHAT?!?

SERENDIPITY

DO IT!

Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blesses the melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her, with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink. Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse and fall still.

Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabs Silent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold.

JAY

(joining Silent Bob)

What the fuck have you been eating?

Silent Bob shrugs.

BETHANY

What just happened?

SERENDIPITY

(collecting hockey sticks)

He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon with an instrument of God - the pure side's always going to do the most damage.

JAY

Silent Bob's an instrument of God?!

SERENDIPITY

No - but the driver is.

BETHANY

(catching on)

And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game. And the sink...?

SERENDIPITY

You've got that Divine heritage going for you - sanctifing is just one of the fringe benefits.

BETHANY

Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.

(to Jay)

How far away is this church?

JAY

Three towns over - about five miles.

BETHANY

We've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much time left. Rufus, grab his gun.

RUFUS

Ten steps ahead of you.

BETHANY

(going through dead bartender's pockets)

We can take the bartender's car - I don't think he'll be needing it anymore.

Bethany and Serendipity rush out.

JAY

We gonna make it?

RUFUS

Was Jesus down?

Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes back and yanks him out the door.

EXT STREET - DAY

Cardinal Click runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess. He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward.

GLICK

(to God)

Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we could've gone in a different direction!

(to phone)

OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT MICHAEL'S PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED BY...!

As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger, enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams.

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAY

Bethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified.

JAY

Holy shit.

Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning, upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell. Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest.

JAY

See? And people wonder why I don't go to church.

BETHANY

Are we too late?

SERENDIPITY

To save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still exist.

BETHANY

Where are they?

RUFUS

They could already be in the church.

SERENDIPITY

Which means that if they come out, nobody touches them.

JAY

Are you shitting me? The brother here is going to shred them with his Schwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey?

SERENDIPITY

If they've passed through that arch, they come out clean. And if they die, they go straight up - and we know what happens then.

JAY

What if they just kill themselves?

BETHANY

They can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They'd go to hell, and that's not what they're after.

JAY

So then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?!

On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before the group, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however, bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks at Rufus.

JAY

Friend of your's?

RUFUS

'fraid not.

OC VOICE

It was a Cardinal.

They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from a bottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered and ashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him.

LOKI

Kind of hard to tell with his face like that, but the Rosaries are a dead giveaway.

JAY

(goes for the Uzi)

IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!!

BETHANY

(struggling to stop him)

NO...!

She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side.

BETHANY

(to Jay)

Don't you listen?! We can't touch them!

JAY

I wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him!

LOKI

(looking skyward)

He's been at it for awhile now.

In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something winged soars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being.

OC LOKI

We ran out of parishoners, so he just started picking up anyone off the street. You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'd been able to jerk off.

Loki drags himself a few feet backwards.

LOKI

I'd step back if I were you.

They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethany charges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously.

BETHANY

WHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!?

JAY

(to Rufus)

I thought we weren't supposed to touch them?

RUFUS

I think our Bethan's about hit her ceiling.

Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly.

LOKI

This wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go home.

(takes a big champagne swig)

We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he realized who you were and what you'd have to do, he just lost it.

(smiles)

You know what's funny about it? He never could stand to see me work. He said he always felt son~' for you people - that you didn't know any better.

(looks up)

Now look at him.

JAY

This guy's drunker than hell.

SERENDIPITY

Which means he's human now - his wings have been cut off.

(slapping Loki to sober him up)

Loki! Loki!

LOKI

(recognizing her)

The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's with the tits?

SERENDIPITY

Loki - have you walked through the arch yet? C'mon. tell me! Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?!

VOICE

No.

Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushing himself off.

BARTLEBY

We were awaiting your arrival.

SERENDIPITY

Bartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with this! Azrael was just using you! If you go back this way...

Bartleby slaps her down.

BARTLEBY

I've become aware of the reprocussions, Muse. I know what I'm doing.

Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury.

BETHANY

YOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT All you've

done...!

Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair.

BARTLEBY

Bethany - you of all people should understand what I'm t~'ing to accomplish here. You too have been abandonned. You know what it's like to be cast aside. But while you've only felt the devastating effects for a few years, I've dealt with it for millenia. And while you never see your ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife...

(picks up her face and smiles at her)

And he is...

(drops her head)

..seeing you people everywhere. everyday, trapped on this perfect little world He created for you... it's a constant reminder that though my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And your kind knows forgiveness, while my kind knows regret. A lesson must be taught. All are accountable... even God.

(steps back)

Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time to kill us as we exit the church. And then this failed experiment called existence will cease to be.

Loki stumbles to his feet.

LOKI

I can't... let you do this, Bartleby...

(he sways as if drunk)

I didn't know we... would end existence...

BARTLEBY

(to Bethany)

My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him. He's weakened. And more importantly. he's now a human being. A condition that carries two liabilities: a conscience...

Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies, confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob.

BARTLEBY

..and a short life span.

(in a whisper; to Loki)

Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith.

Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwing punches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behind a bush.

BETHANY

(peering out from behind)

He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked!

JAY

(pulling off clothes)

I hear you.

BETHANY

I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?!

JAY

(pulling open pants)

Amen to that.

BETHANY

(suddenly notices him)

What the hell are you doing?!

JAY

I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going to end. You said you'd fuck me.

BETHANY

Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing and you want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go down fighting!

JAY

No - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex.

BETHANY

You pig...!

JAY

What?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can either lay here all comatose like that

John Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we can make with the love.

Bethany freezes.

BETHANY

(finally!)

What did you say?!

JAY

'Make with the love'? I just said that to be sensitive. Usually I call it boning.

BETHANY

No - about John Doe Jersey?

JAY

That guy - the one that they won't take off life support - John Doe Jersey. This is where he's at.

BETHANY

What? Where?

JAY

Saint Michael's hospital - over there.

(points behind them)

There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL.

BETHANY

(thinks)

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

JAY

Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to it before...

BETHANY

WHERE IS IT?!?

JAY

(scared)

Asbury Park. About five miles away.

BETHANY

You ever been there?!

JAY

(really scared)

Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the carousel. She wanted to do it on the ride, but I got sick and started puking...

BETHANY

(grabs his face)

DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!?

JAY

(piss-scared; high pitched)

...yes.

Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush.

JAY

(warming up)

Now that's more like it.

Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. Silent Bob is getting back on his feet.

BETHANY

BOB!

Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jay who half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lips together and raises jay to his feet, ust as Silent Bob arri\'es.

BETHANY

(to Jay)

Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into that church!

(to Silent Bob)

Bob - come with me!

(they exit)

JAY

(calling after them)

How am I supposed to stall him?!

OC BETHANY

Think of something.

JAY

(calling off)

I already did, but it takes two of us!

Jay shakes his head and turns around. He ducks quickly, avoiding a
thrashing wing. Pissed, he leaps out of the bush.

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S HOSPITAL - DAY

Bethany and Silent Bob rush in against a thrall of people rushing out,
screaming.

INT RECEPTION DESK

Nobody's there. Bethany leaps over the desk and starts banging keys on the
computer. Silent Bob ducks screaming passerby. Bethany snaps back up.

BETHANY

Fifth floor. I.C.U. Let's go!

They book up the hallway.

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY

Bartleby shakes Rufus off and grabs Serendipity by the throat.

Jay steps up to the Uzi, grabs it, and clicks off the safety. He trains it
on Bartleby.

JAY

HEY! BIG BIRD!!

Bartleby looks up from chocking Serendipity.

JAY

READY FOR THE COUNTING GAME?! COUNT THE SHELLS!!

SERENDIPITY

NO!!!

Bartleby throws Serendipity to the side and ducks. spreading his wings out
to their full span.

SLO-MO: Jay fires, Uzi blasting.

SLO-MO: Bartleby's wings shred into feathers and bone fragment.

SLO-MO: Serendipity' and Rufus race toward Jay.

SLO-MO: The last bit of wing left on Bartleby's back falls to the ground.

Jay drops the Uzi, just as Serendipity' and Rufus reach him.

JAY

No more bu-wets. But I clipped him!

Rufus looks at Jay ruefully and slaps his head.

JAY

Oww! What the hell did you do that for?!

SERENDIPITY

Angels have to cut their wings off to become human.

RUFUS

You just did him a favor, stupid.

Bartleby lifts himself up. He looks around. He reaches back to where his
wings were and dips his fingers into the blood. He looks at it and laughs.

INT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY

THE OLD MAN - the one from the very beginning (remember him) lays in the
intensive care ward, hooked up to all types of machines.

Bethany and Silent Bob look at him through the glass, then to each other.

BETHANY

I'll do it.

OC NoMAN

No one... touches the God-husk!

NoNlan the Golgothan tears down the ward toward them.

Bethany and Silent Bob look at eachother. They both nod, understanding what
has to happen. Bethany kisses Silent Bob hard on the lips.

BETHANY

Stall him!

Bethany tears into the room with John Doe Jersey. Silent Bob pulls out the
small can of air freshener. He sprays it, but nothing comes out - it's
empty. He shrugs, throws the can to the side, blesses himself, glowers at
NoMan, bellows a war cry, and charges ahead, full speed.

Bethany looks down at the lifeless Old Man. She smiles.

BETHANY

I hope you're the skee-ball type.

She yanks the cords from the wall and from the Old Man's body.
Beeping-warnings go off and the Old Man's body convulses.

Silent Bob charges toward NoNlan. NoNian charges right back.

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY

Bartleby looks skyward.

BARTLEBY

THIS ENDS NOW! YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!

INT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH

Bethany looks on nervously as the Old Man's body thrashes.

Silent Bob charges closer to NoMan.

Suddenly, the convulsing of the Old Man's body stops. A smile crosses his
face.

And out of nowhere - HUGE FUCKING LIGHT erupts from his chest, shooting
through the ceiling. One stray branching off to touch...

NoMan the Golgothan. Struck by a beam, he screams and explodes scattering
what looks like hard clay everywhere.

Silent Bob - charging forward, eyes closed - races over the top of the
destroyed Golgothan, smashing head first into the wall at the end of the
coridoor.

Bethany climbs to her feet and looks into the bed. There's no sign of the
light. She quickly turns to exit and is lanced with a hockey stick through
her stomach.

A badly burned, half-decomposed Stygian Triplet pushes the blade into
Bethany, laughing. Silent Bob kicks the door open, grabs the thing by the
arm and whips it through the window. He wipes off his hand and turns
around. His expression goes pale.

EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S

Bartleby storms across the pavement, racing for the church doors. He
reaches them and flings them open. HUGE FUCKING LIGHT blinds him, and he
drops to his knees. Cowering, he looks up.

Metatron stands beside a VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - in the doorway.

METATRON

Oh Bartleby... was Wisconsin really that bad?

Serendipity and Rufus drop to their knees and bow. Jay looks at them.

JAY

Now what the hell's going on?! Who's the super-model?!

RUFUS

(pulling at Jay's cuff)

Bow down, stupid

Metatron steps away. The Woman stares at Bartleby. Bartleby cowers.
fetal-like. The Woman lays Her hand on his shoulder, helping him to his
feet. He stands in awe. She embraces him. He weeps, joyfully. She steps
back and looks at Metatron. Metatron nods and addresses Jay, Rufus, and
Serendipity.

METATRON

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to
cover their ears right about now.

Serendipity and Rufus tackle Jay and hug his head, covering his ears as
tightly as they can.

The Woman turns back to Bartleby. Her expression hardens. His eyes widen,
and then he nods in understanding. He manages a half-smile.

BARTLEBY

Thank you.

The Woman opens her mouth and emits a noise so cacophonous, it calls to
mind the days of Sens-a-round. It's a mixture of trumpets, whale-songs,
fog-horns, and a sonic-boom. It remains one long note that builds in
intensity.

Bartleby's head explodes, as does his chest. His body drops to his knees
and falls forward. The Woman closes her mouth and the noise stops. She
walks away.

Rufus and Serendipity look up, releasing Jay. They drop to their bowing
positions. Jay's in a panic. The Woman joins Metatron again.

JAY

What the fuck is this?! Who the fuck is this chick?! Why the fuck did you
hug my head?!

METATRON

Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

The Woman nods.

JAY

What the fuck is this - 'The Piano'? Why ain't this broad talking?!

METATRON

Young man, I believe the answers you seek are within my companion's eyes.

JAY

What the fuck does that mean?! Has everyone just gone nuts?! What the fuck
happened to that guy's head?! I want some...

The Woman stands before Jay and looks him in the eyes. Jay freezes. His
expression softens. The Woman slowly smiles at him, leans forward, and
kisses his cheek. She exits, leaving Jay standing there, speechless.

SERENDIPITY

Where was She?!

METATRON

Imprisoned in a body, as I supposed. Bethany figured it all out. Clever
girl, that one.

(to Rufus)

Are you ready to go back, Apostle?

RUFUS

(getting up)

You ready to make some of those changes I've been talking about?

METATRON

We'll see.

(to Serendipity)

Muse, seeing as how you just had to get involved, I guess I should ask you
as well - would you like to return?

SERENDIPITY

Only if She asks me nicely.

METATRON

Have fun in the titty clubs.

SERENDIPITY

I'm just kidding. Sheesh! First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany - where is
she?

Silent Bob joins them, eyes glassy, carrying the lifeless Bethany.

RUFUS

Oh no...

SERENDIPITY

Metatron... is she...?

METATRON

I'm afraid so. One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to
die. But no matter - all is being taken care of.

SERENDIPITY

How so?

METATRON

Wax on, wax off.

(points OC)

The Woman rolls up Her sleeves and slaps Her palms together - Mister Miyagi
style - and rubs them furiously. She places both hands over Bethany's wound
and presses down. Bethany snaps her eyes open and jolts forward, coughing.
She looks up and sees Metatron.

BETHANY

You! But... I was... how did I...?!

METATRON

You didn't. You died. But She can rebuild you. She has the technology. She
can make you better,

stroner, faster.

Bethany looks at the Woman. The Woman smiles and heads off.

BETHANY

That's...

METATRON

A very relieved deity. You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come around
- your kind always does.

RUFUS

Even Jesus took some convincing.

METATRON

Must we demystify everything? Shut up.

(to Bethany)

Take good care of yourself. We're going to need you down the road.

BETHANY

I know. I'm the Last Scion.

METATRON

My dear, misinformed lass. You are not the Last Scion.

(Nietatron pats her stomach)

This is the Last Scion.

BETHANY

(beat)

I'm... pregnant?!?

METATRON

Can't put anything past you. Take care of that parcel for us. He or She has
a world of work ahead of it.

Bethany looks at her stomach, then follows after the Woman. She catches up
to the Woman and taps Her on the shoulder. The Woman turns and faces
Bethany.

BETHANY

Um... thank you, for... I don't know... everything.

The Woman smiles.

BETHANY

There's a million questions I wish I could ask, most all questioning what
I'm sure is your great plan, and that would be really arrogant of me, I
know. But there is one I'd like to ask, and I'm sure you get it all the
time, but how many oportunities like this will I get

(inhales and exhales)

Why are we here?

The Woman stares at her for a long beat.

WONIAN

I have one word for you; just one.

(She leans forward)

Plastics.

The Woman smiles and pats Bethany on the back. She walks away, followed by
Metatron.

METATRON

Didn't I tell you She was funny?

Serendipity joins Bethany.

SERENDIPITY

You know, she's never even said anything to me. She must really like you.

BETHANY

That's a plus.

SERENDIPITY

I really enjoyed meeting you.

(hugs her)

It was an honor. You did so well! I'll see you in a couple of years.

(skipping away)

I told you She was a woman.

Serendipity catches up with the Woman and Metatron. Rufus lays his hand on
Bethany's shoulder.

RUFUS

She's not really a woman. She's not really anything.

BETHANY

No - She's something, alright. Something comforting.

RUFUS

Crisis of faith over?

BETHANY

I think I'm now burdened with an over-abundance.

RUFUS

When it rains, it pours. You saying you believe?

BETHANY

No.

(beat)

I have a really good idea . Beliefs are too dangerous.

She smiles at him. He hugs her.

RUFUS

What you did was incredible. The Man was right about you. I'm gonna go home
and tell Him so.

(to Jay and Silent Bob)

And I'll put in a good word for you two as well.

Rufus walks away.

SILENT BOB

Thanks.

Jay hits Silent Bob and shakes his head at him.

The Woman, Metatron, Serendipity, and Rufus step into a cloud of smoke and
disappear.

Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob stand there, looking on.

JAY

(after a long pause)

You wanna hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

BETHANY

(shakes her head)

Jay!

JAY

I couldn't help it! The bitch was hot!

BETHANY

Knock it off.

JAY

You know, pregnant women can have sex up until their third trimester.

BETHANY

I'll keep that in mind.

Cop cars and fire trucks start to pull up.

END

<<<

/ Dogma.
Copyright 2005-2018. ! ! homeenglish@mail.ru