>> / Dumb and Dumber

/ Dumb and Dumber ( 2)

: / Dumb and Dumber.

/ Dumb and Dumber

50.

LLOYD Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewing on a burger; the next minute you're dead meat.

HARRY But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.

LLOYD If you don't count that gurgling sound.

Harry lets out a GROAN.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, relax, man, I'm just as responsible as you are we both slipped him the peppers and look at me, I on't feel guilty at all.

HARRY Small comfort coming from a man who sells dead birds to blind kids. (SIGHS) Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a ead guy pissed at me. His restless spirit will probably haunt me for the next seventy-five years.

LLOYD That's ridiculous. You probably won't live to see forty.

Harry perks up, cheered by this thought. HARRY Oh yeah. (beat) Wow. What a relief.

EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING

A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS to DETECTIVE DALE. The etective is a no-nonsense type in his mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut.

51.

DOCTOR ...My official conclusion is that the eceased expired from oxygen eprivation caused by the presence of cyanide in the bloodstream.

DT. DALE You mean he was poisoned?

DOCTOR Unquestionably. We found these by the body.

He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods and approaches another COP in the b.g.

COP Waitress says he was with a couple of younger guys. They're the ones who called the ambulance then they hit the road.

DT. DALE Any idea where they were going?

COP A witness at the next table thought he heard them say they were driving to France.

Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs.

COP (CONT'D) We got a report they were seen heading west on I-80 toward Colorado. DT. DALE Get a make on the vehicle?

The Cop consults his note pad.

COP Yes, sir. They were driving an '84 poodle.

Dt. Dale does a double-take.

DT. DALE An '84 what?

52.

COP (straight-faced) Well it might have been a wire-haired terrier, Detective. They're very similar in appearance.

The Detective looks confused, as we

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the black night toward Aspen.

HARRY Let's get off and crash at a motel before I crash into one. (yawning) I need a crib fast.

LLOYD Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold out. Seems we misjudged our expense allocation. If we pay for a motel we won't have enough for gas.

HARRY What happened to the dough?

LLOYD We over-leveraged.

HARRY On what? LLOYD I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last meal. Felt it was the least we could o after we deep-sixed him.

HARRY Wait a second one burger put us over budget?

LLOYD The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe and a chocolate malt.

HARRY Oh. (beat) So what are we gonna do?

53.

LLOYD Drive. We've only got ten more hours. We can take turns.

CUT TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT

A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas Andre.

SHAY You heard me, he's dead. The bastards killed him.

INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT

Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks.

ANDRE Jesus Christ...

Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration.

ANDRE (CONT'D) All right, I want you back here now. If they're coming this way I'm going to need you.

SHAY (v.o.) How's our bankroll doing? Giving you a hard time?

ANDRE Melvin's not the problem. It's these two other guys that have me worried. I wish I knew what the hell they

wanted.

Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle. We hear MUFFLED HUMAN WHIMPERING coming from deep within the well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole.

ANDRE How you doing today, Melvin?

54.

Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the well.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives on. A roadsign reading DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry peers at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we see a series of quick shots:

A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep with his feet now on Harry's lap.

Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight ahead, practically catatonic. Lloyd's feet are out the window and his head is on Harry's lap.

The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are now up over the headrest and his head is down where his feet should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out.

Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD, GAS NEXT EXIT.

EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING

The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background are several tractor-trailer rigs and a cafe. Harry climbs out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the passenger door.

Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him with his foot.

HARRY Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll pump.

Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS to unscrew the gas cap. Then he sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up.

55.

EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room. When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the engine on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee pulls up and a long-legged, tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs out. This seems to wake Harry up.

The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a feeble attempt to brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods to the skis on her roof-rack.

HARRY Skis, huh?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY That's right.

HARRY Great.

She continues to pump gas.

HARRY (CONT'D) They yours?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Uh-huh..

HARRY Both of 'em?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Um, yeah.

HARRY (impressed) Cool.

THE GAS FROM HARRY'S NOZZLE STARTS TO OVERFLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE. FROM HER POV IT LOOKS

like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Excuse me, you're spraying everywhere.

56.

Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He immediately removes the nozzle and replaces it on the pump as she smiles to herself.

INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM

Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he comes to one that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993, 2:15

A.M. SHARP.

He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch.

CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8.

ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15.

Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet bowl so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS approaches the stall and then stops. Lloyd looks down to see a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely hear a LOW GROWL. Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF.

All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE STEPS INTO FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS.

HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass.

SEA BASS Well, well, well, if it ain't my old friend. (checks watch) And right on time...

As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has sidled up to the driver's side. He leans against her side- view mirror.

57.

HARRY (re: suitcases in back seat) That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've got to get away from my boyfriend.

He's such a klutz. My astrologer told me I should avoid accident-prone guys.

Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS

HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN QUICKLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

HARRY (holding out mirror) Here, this is a little loose.

She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a cigarette.

HARRY (CONT'D) Allow me...

He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish. The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks. Harry tosses the match to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes rise around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING BURNING. (Neither of them notice this.)

HARRY (CONT'D) Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen we can meet up... you know, for hot chocolate or something.

She looks him over and smiles.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Why not? You seem pretty harmless. I'll give you my number. Just let me find a pen.

As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE SMOKE. He looks down and sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE! He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still searching for a pen.

58.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) I know I have one here somewhere...

Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames. This only helps to fan them.

HARRY (urgently) Look, why don't you just tell it to me, I've got a good memory.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Are you sure you won't forget?

HARRY (desperate) Positive please hurry.

He begins hopping around violently.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Is something wrong?

Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from screaming.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Okay, my number is 652-2553. (beat) Oh, wait a second, that's my old number. It's so funny how your mind god sakes, give me the damn number!

She's taken aback by this outburst.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy you can just forget it!

She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY.

INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM

Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he slides him up the wall of the toilet stall.

SEA BASS First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm gonna kill you. Any last request?

LLOYD Um, yeah could you do it the other way around?

59.

Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The sound of the zipper brings a green color to Lloyd's face.

ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED Harry rushes into the bathroom, panic-stricken. In his desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR KNOCKING SEA BASS ON THE HEAD and thrusts his flaming foot into the toilet,

EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE.

Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND

SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE.

Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he lets out an admonishing

WHISTLE.

HARRY You've got some serious explaining to o, young man.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE with the toes sticking out on the accelerator.

LLOYD Look, Harry, I told you what happened, now drop it. HARRY Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to mention another word about you being in a bathroom stall with a six-foot, five-inch trucker with his pants own.

LLOYD That's a low blow, man.

HARRY Not at that height it's not.

LLOYD Listen, bud, if you're trying to imply that I'm that thought look, we're almost in Colorado.

60.

LLOYD SQUINTS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. A SIGN UP AHEAD SAYS: LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA -

COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES.

HARRY I think it's about time we pull over and change seats. I've been driving for nine straight hours I don't have the energy to start a new state.

Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN stopping and checking cars as they cross the border. A HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale hops out. He hurries to the COP in charge.

DT. DALE Any sign of them yet?

COP No, but we're expecting them shortly. A motorist said he spotted a pooch about thirty miles back headed this way.

Detective Dale nods, satisfied.

CUT TO:

EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos and a soda. He settles into the driver's seat and pulls a Beef Jerky out of his back pocket.

LLOYD Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky...

When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd shakes his head.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Boy, some guys just weren't cut out for life on the road.

61.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to the nearby freeway entrance. As he enters the on-ramp, we ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING

It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a coffee. The van hits a bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open.

LLOYD Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.

HARRY (groggy) How long have I been out?

LLOYD I'd say a good five hours, anyway.

Harry yawns and stretches.

HARRY Great. We must be getting real close, huh?

LLOYD Should be. I've been averaging about ninety miles an hour all night.

HARRY Good man.

LLOYD Boy, I'll tell you, this is one angerous highway. You wouldn't believe all the road pizza two dead ogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and some big thing I couldn't even recognize.

HARRY That's awful. Did you see them get hit or were they already lying there?

LLOYD I hit 'em.

Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS.

62.

HARRY Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

LLOYD I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's some full of shit, huh?

They both stare out the window.

LLOYD (CONT'D) I must say, Des Moines sure is a pretty little town.

HARRY Yeah, it really is. (beat) Wait a minute when did you visit Des Moines?

LLOYD Last night. We drove through it.

HARRY What are you talking about? You were snoring like a baby when we went through Des Moines.

Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS in Harry's face.

LLOYD (sing-song) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and shine. (LAUGHS) You were the one who was asleep,

numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You're delirious.

A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing terrain. Then something starts to awn on him. Slowly.

HARRY Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't the sun rise in the east and set in the west?

LLOYD In our country it does, yes.

63.

HARRY Then perchance you can explain to me why the sun is in our face at 7:30 in the morning when we're heading west.

Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING

The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry is sitting beside it on the pavement, a BROKEN man.

LLOYD I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake.

But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, pull yourself together.

HARRY You know, I got half a mind to just jump on the bus to Europe and say goodbye to your ugly mug forever.

LLOYD (rolls his eyes) You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo.

HARRY Oh yeah? Why not? LLOYD You don't have a passport.

Harry lets out a defeated SIGH.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, stop being a baby about this. Okay, so we back-tracked a tad.

HARRY A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction. Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we on't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough to eat, we don't have enough to sleep!

64.

LLOYD Well it doesn't do any good having you sitting there on your butt whining about it. If we're gonna get out of this hole, we're gonna have to dig ourselves out.

Harry thinks about this.

HARRY You know, you're absolutely right, Lloyd.

He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward the highway.

LLOYD Where you going?

HARRY Home. I'm walking home.

LLOYD You can't be serious.

HARRY (sarcastic) Why not? We're probably only five miles away.

Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches.

LLOYD (CALLING OUT) Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you never screwed up. Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his friend. He seems completely rained.

HARRY Look, man... I'm sorry. (beat) I never should have let you talk me into this in the first place. You've got a good reason to goo a beautiful girl's waiting for you. But let's face it, Lloyd, there's nothing waiting for me in Aspen. (beat) There's nothing waiting for me anywhere.

65.

Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks away. Out of frustration, he BANGS the snout of the car, causing it to BARK.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by, the cold wind whipping at his clothes.

A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the window. It lands at Harry's feet. EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the Indian in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see it's a BAG OF ONIONS that's ripped open.

Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking vehicle and Harry hesitates. Then the passenger window rolls down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel.

LLOYD Got room for one more, if you still want to go to Aspen.

Harry looks the hearse over.

HARRY Where'd you find this baby?

LLOYD Used car dealer. I traded the van for it. Plus I got the guy to throw in fifty bucks for gas money. (beat) Come on, man, what do you say? We still partners?

HARRY SMILES AND WE

CUT TO:

EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY

An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the Colorado border with several other officers.

DT. DALE It doesn't make sense. They should've been here hours ago.

COP Maybe they're smarter than we thought.

66.

DT. DALE How smart can they be? They're riving a goddamn dog!

Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie.

COP #2 We just got a report that they were spotted about two hours ago heading east near Des Moines on I-80.

DT. DALE (incredulous) Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred miles from here!

COP #1 Guess they got wind of our welcoming party.

DT. DALE We're wasting time. Let's mobilize.

Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow. As the officers climb into their cars, we

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window.

LLOYD Tell me something, Harry. Would you really have kept going home if I hadn't come back to get you?

HARRY Well let me put it this way, Lloyd: Do you remember when we were Cub Scouts and we got lost in the woods uring that blizzard? We huddled together all night, and we made an oath that if we ever got out of there alive we'd never ever leave each other's side again. Do you remember that?

Lloyd thinks hard about this.

LLOYD We were never Cub Scouts.

67.

HARRY Exactly.

Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite direction with SIRENS BLARING and LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN in the rear of the vehicle.

HARRY (CONT'D) What the hell is this? There's a coffin in the back!

LLOYD Relax, it's empty.

HARRY I don't give a shit. I'm not driving anywhere with a casket. You know I'm superstitious calm down. We'll dump it off first chance we get.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse. Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL PROCESSION. The lead car is a CADILLAC.

INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY

(This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and a WOMAN are arguing.

WOMAN I married a cheapskate.

MAN Shut your trap, Gerdie.

WOMAN I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be able to show my face again.

MAN I knew something good would come out of this.

WOMAN We could have given him a more ignified burial.

68.

MAN Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember what he got us for our twenty-fifth? A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm gonna spend a load to get him planted.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of them. The Man and the Woman on't notice this an soon the ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY

FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE.

CUT TO:

EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY

Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the market. The procession comes to a halt behind them. The guys get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back. Then they unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER AND WIPE THEIR HANDS

OFF.

ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is practically on the floor.

WOMAN You son-of-a-bitch! I want a ivorce!

CUT TO:

QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE SCENIC ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON. DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN, COLORADO.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY

The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows, studying the passersby, taking in the sights and sounds of the ski town.

69.

LLOYD Isn't this wonderful? What more could a couple of single guys like us ask for?

HARRY How about food and shelter?

LLOYD You're so materialistic. (beat) Why don't we get down to business and eliver the briefcase to Mary. Who knows, maybe she'll invite us in for tea and a strumpet or two?

HARRY Jolly good idea, chap. And where oes the lovely young lady reside?

LLOYD Um... good question.

Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone booth next to them.

HARRY Well what's her last name? We'll look it up in the phone book.

LLOYD Hmmmm... You know, I don't believe I caught that either.

Harry's concern grows. HARRY What about the briefcase, Lloyd? There must've been a name on it, right?

LLOYD (brightening) Come to think of it, there is. It's engraved right into the leather.

HARRY What is it?

LLOYD Samsonite spelled just like it sounds.

70.

Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly HE STOPS and puts the book down, a DEFEATED look on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are shivering in the front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse. They're each spooning something out of a coffee cup and sipping it.

HARRY Any soup left?

LLOYD A little. Shall we share it?

HARRY Please.

Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it into Harry's cup and the other half into his. They pour a few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons.

LLOYD Mmmm mmmm good...

Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and leans toward him.

HARRY Hey, you got something stuck in your front teeth. Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it.

LLOYD Hmmm... looks like an old piece of Beef Jerky.

HARRY STARES AT IT. THEN:

HARRY Wanna split it?

LLOYD You're pathetic. Get your own.

Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it. Another gust of wind swirls around them.

71.

HARRY I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd.

LLOYD Roll up your window.

HARRY It is rolled up.

LLOYD Then I guess the damn anti-cold system isn't working. You really should get it fixed if we're gonna live here all winter.

HARRY What anti-cold system?

Lloyd points to the dash.

LLOYD Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car's getting colder.

Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted. He opens the car door and starts to climb out.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you going out there for?

HARRY To warm up.

EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other side.

LLOYD What are you worrying about now?

HARRY I'm worried about how you're gonna survive the pummeling I'm about to give you.

LLOYD Huh?

Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the other side of the car. Harry leaps across the hood, but Lloyd manages to evade his grasp.

72.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, calm down! You're acting like a wild animal!

HARRY Get over here and take your medicine, Lloyd!

LLOYD Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine. I'm a Christian Scientist!

Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated, Harry opens the car and PULLS THE

BRIEFCASE OUT.

LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you doing?

HARRY Something I should've done a long time ago. This stupid thing has been the root of our problems all along.

Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river.

LLOYD Don't do anything foolish, Harry.

HARRY Foolish? This is the most sensible thing I've done in years. I'm gonna toss this goddamn curse right into that river. Lloyd starts to follow after Harry.

LLOYD You're making a big mistake, Harry! I'll never forgive you for this!

Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose of the briefcase.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get better, I promise! In fact, I think

I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It's yours, Harry, all yours!

Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued.

73.

HARRY You're bluffing.

LLOYD No I'm not, man look.

Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints at it.

HARRY That's a filling, you liar!

Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs, but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they reach the bridge. The briefcase GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another in the snow, rolling over and over.

Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on top and CLASPS HIS HANDS

AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT.

HARRY (CONT'D) I used to have a life! A miserable one, but a life, nonetheless!

Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S. behind his friend.

LLOYD (CHOKED VOICE) Harry, look!

Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd as we see THEIR POV - THE BRIEFCASE IS LYING BUSTED OPEN ON THE GROUND, REVEALING STACKS AND

STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT

Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching the briefcase. The city is lit up with millions of tiny lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland.

LLOYD Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a few bucks just a small loan from the briefcase, and we check into a cheap motel.

74.

HARRY Sounds good.

LLOYD And we'll keep track of the money we spend with IOUs.

HARRY We'll be meticulous right down to the last penny.

LLOYD That way, whatever we borrow we can pay back.

HARRY Absolutely. We're good for it.

LLOYD You know, as soon as we get jobs.

HARRY It'll come right out of our first paycheck.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around an ENORMOUS AND LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to throw a touchdown bomb in.

BARNARD ...This is the Hotel Danbury's Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries, and illustrious stars of stage and take it.

The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased.

BARNARD (CONT'D) Very good, sir. Are there any bags you'd like sent up?

LLOYD Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our own chicks.

BARNARD (peevish) I wasn't talking about ladies.

75.

HARRY Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up. What are their names?

Barnard SIGHS.

BARNARD Sir, I meant your luggage.

Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile.

LLOYD Tell you what you can send up, my friend how about some chow?

The Bell Captain nods.

BARNARD I'll bring you a menu.

LLOYD Don't bother. Just order us one of everything.

At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look.

HARRY One of everything? Lloyd...

Lloyd looks guilty.

LLOYD Oh, sorry. (beat) Make that two of everything. Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS out of his pocket. He rips one off and tucks it in Barnard's top pocket.

LLOYD (CONT'D) And here you go, Barney. You keep us happy, we'll keep you happy.

The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip.

BARNARD Yes, sir!

He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE

OF PAPER.

76.

LLOYD (proudly) Our first IOU. Signed and dated.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT

Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom door. She's holding a tray with a couple of mugs on it.

HELEN Mary? You awake?

MARY (o.s.)

COME IN...

INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French windows when Helen ENTERS.

HELEN I brought you some tea. I thought it might help you relax.

Mary smiles.

MARY Thank you.

She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back.

MARY (CONT'D) Yech! What's in this, whiskey?

HELEN Uh, sorry... that one's mine.

Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one.

HELEN (CONT'D) Feeling any better, honey?

Mary can't take her eyes from the window.

MARY Just knowing that Melvin's out there, being held by God knows who... (fighting back tears) It's all my fault. I should've been there.

77.

HELEN Bullshit. You can't blame yourself for this. If you'd been there they would've taken you, too.

Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit.

MARY Maybe we should just pay them the money again and get this thing over

with.

HELEN Now Mary, everything that can be done is being done. You've got to stop torturing yourself.

MARY What am I supposed to do? Go about my life as if everything were fine?

HELEN That's exactly what you should do. Get the hell out more, go skiing, socialize. Don't you see, honey? We can't let on that anything is wrong. If the press or authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers might panic. (beat) Who knows what they'd do to poor Melvin then?

AS MARY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE

CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY

The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse. Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to help them. Harry and Lloyd get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors everywhere. The Employees all grab the shopping bags and then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely.

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT

The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies. Lloyd is going through it all. Harry is sitting out on the balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the mountain view.

78.

HARRY Oh god, it's really true. Last night I thought I might've been dreaming.

LLOYD It's no dream, Har. We finally cracked the big time.

HARRY And it was so simple. All it took was somebody else's money.

Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty puff, and

EXHALES.

HARRY (CONT'D) You know, Lloyd, I think you might've gone a little overboard with the spending today.

He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony.

LLOYD What's the big deal? We're gonna pay it all back anyway, right?

HARRY Sure, but do you really think you needed to buy those two surfboards?

LLOYD Surfboards? I thought those were beginner's skis. This suddenly makes sense to Harry.

HARRY Ahhh. I was wondering why you had those bindings put on them.

Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE.

LLOYD Where'd this come from?

HARRY (sheepishly) I bought it.

LLOYD What for?

79.

HARRY I like the feel of it against my skin... (defensive) ...I mean, you know, when a woman's wearing it.

Lloyd inspects it more closely.

LLOYD Harry, how many women do you know who wear a size XXL?

HARRY Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now. I'm supposed to have a few eccentricities.

There's a KNOCK on the door.

LLOYD Enter, parlez vous!

The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket and a newspaper under his arm.

BARNARD I brought you your newspaper and some champagne, gentlemen. Unfortunately, we didn't seem to have the, um, label you requested.

Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns.

LLOYD All out of Boone's Farm, huh? BARNARD You have a rapier wit, sir. I took the liberty of bringing a comparable substitute: Dom Perignon.

LLOYD Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh?

Lloyd smiles and over tips him.

BARNARD Thank you so much, sir.

He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads for the door.

80.

LLOYD Oh, one more thing: You can dispense with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it, Barney, we're all from the same mold. (winks) We just have a little more dough than you right now.

Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He picks up a champagne glass and flicks it with his finger, sending out a resonant RING.

HARRY Cocktail hour has commenced!

He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins thumbing through the newspaper.

HARRY (CONT'D) Hey, later on what do you say we...?

He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something he's found in the paper.

HARRY (CONT'D) Lloyd... you okay?

LLOYD (dumbstruck) Harry, it's her.

HARRY Who?

LLOYD Mary with the briefcase. This is her...

He shoves the newspaper at Harry.

CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST PRESERVATION GALA TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath this is a photograph of Mary with her parents.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Mary Swanson...

HARRY Come on, Cinderella, it's time to get you ready for the ball...

Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a...

MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER:

81.

-The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed.

-Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from their heads, revealing both guys' hair in curlers.

-Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor. Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck

as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his fingers. The other CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing.

-We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to the floor to reveal a PILE OF

NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS.

-Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN OVER to Lloyd's bare feet he has toe nails like Howard Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety goggles tries to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric sander.

-Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and WHISPERS in her ear. She smiles.

-Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with her shirt off, while Harry happily massages her back.

-The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out of the dressing room in a very elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed, but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in.

-Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman looks on hopefully, but Lloyd again disapproves.

-This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE TUXEDO, complete with TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive J.P. Shay is sitting in a parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND LLOYD.

DISSOLVE TO:

82.

EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT

Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering the building. Suddenly the hearse pulls up with Harry and Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better it's pumpkin orange. (THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse stops, the boys hand the driver Barnard a couple hundred dollars.

LLOYD Thanks for the lift, Barney.

INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY

Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he stops them and gives them the once over.

ANDRE Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner.

Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels

off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre.

LLOYD This should cover a couple plates.

HARRY I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if we want seconds?

Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou. LLOYD Put us down for four plates, my good man.

They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate J.P. Shay comes up beside him, an alarmed look on his face.

J.P. SHAY (WHISPERING) Jesus Christ, boss... it's them.

BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through the affluent crowd.

LLOYD I'm getting nervous, Harry.

83.

HARRY relax, Lloyd. These people are just like you and me.

LLOYD What are you talking about? They're educated, well-bred, charming, and sophisticated.

HARRY So what? We can be sophistica holy shit, would you look at the fun bags on that hose hound.

He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party. Lloyd rolls his eyes.

LLOYD Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm already a wreck. What if Mary oesn't like me?

HARRY Look, let's just go saddle up to the bar and down a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. A little booze'll bring back that old Lloyd Christmas over-confidence.

The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they make their way to the bar.

LLOYD (to BARTENDER) Two martinis, straight up. As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL RED HEAD reaches between them for a cocktail napkin, then walks away.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Shut up, Harry.

HARRY I didn't say anything.

LLOYD Yeah, well I know what you were gonna say and I'm telling you to shut up in advance.

HARRY How do you know what I was gonna say?

84.

LLOYD I read you like a book.

HARRY Okay, if you read me like a book then what was I gonna say?

LLOYD You were gonna say: (in Harry's looped VOICE) 'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't mind roasting my weenie in.'

Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED.

LLOYD (CONT'D) And I would say 'shut up', because this is our chance to get in with the rich and powerful and you don't ingratiate yourself to the kind of people by acting like Ron Jeremy on Spanish Fly.

The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s. CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to

see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On his other side are Karl and Elizabeth Swanson.

ANDRE If I could have your attention, please...

The crowd QUIETS. ANDRE (CONT'D) I'd like to thank you all for coming to this very special event. As you

KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY -

founded and chiefly funded by our great benefactors, Karl and Helen Swanson - is the world's foremost efender of endangered species. Our

SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY-

three separate varieties of animals that are currently listed on the United Nation's charter of protected species. Tonight, we are deeply honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson welcome our twenty-fourth.

85.

The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the podium.

MR. SWANSON Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl.

He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE OWLS IN A CAGE. Everyone OOHS and AHHS.

MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) These magnificent specimens were

RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE-

year, two-million-dollar effort on our part. Together, they constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on the planet.

ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks pale.

MR. SWANSON Here these lovely birds will be allowed to breed in a natural but protected habitat. And, God willing, with your help and that of the Society's, we will see these wonderful creatures flourish once more.

More APPLAUSE.

MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) Again, thank you, and enjoy your evening. Oh, and feel free to take a closer look at our new friends here. Enjoy.

The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass.

LLOYD Two more, please.

Harry stares at Lloyd with concern.

HARRY Lloyd, I've never seen you this uptight. You've gotta chill out.

LLOYD I can't help it. This is a very important night for me. (MORE)

86.

LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) Harry, have you ever wondered why you and I never have long-term girlfriends?

HARRY What are you talking about? I went out with Fraida Felcher for two and a half weeks.

LLOYD That was a fluke. (beat) The reason we never have long-term girlfriends is because of one thing: We're afraid of the C word.

HARRY That's crazy. We live for the C word.

LLOYD I'm talking bout commitment.

HARRY (beat) Oh.

LLOYD Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry. The first time I laid eyes on Mary Swanson, I knew she was the one. (beat) Some things you feel in your heart, other things you feel in your groin. This girl makes me feel it all in the heart.

Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room.

HIS POV - A BEGUILING MARY SWANSON IS TALKING WITH A COUPLE OF GUESTS. SHE'S WEARING A

spectacular black cocktail dress.

Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Oh shit, there she is.

87.

HARRY (checking her out) Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd. She's an angel. (beat) Well, what are you waiting for? Get over there and talk to her.

LLOYD She's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho when she realizes how far I came just to see her.

HARRY You have her briefcase she's gonna be thrilled to see you.

LLOYD And then what? She'll take it back and that'll be it. I'm a nobody.

Harry thinks about this a moment.

HARRY Look, man, you just drove two thousand miles to see this girl. Don't quit on the last fifty feet.

LLOYD (brightening) Wait a second, I have an idea. You go over and introduce yourself. That way you can build me up so when I come along I won't have to brag about myself. Tell her I'm good-looking and I'm rich and I have a rapist's wit.

HARRY I can't tell her you're good looking, Lloyd she's got eyes.

Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini.

LLOYD Please Harry, I'm appealing to you as one loser to another. Just build me up and then give me a signal to come over. Please.

Harry SIGHS.

88.

HARRY All right. But you're gonna owe me a big one for this.

Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls.

HARRY (CONT'D) Nice set of hooters you got there.

Mary turns to Harry, stunned.

MARY I beg your pardon?

HARRY The owls. They're beautiful.

MARY Oh. Yeah. (beat) Are you a bird lover?

HARRY Well, I used to have a parakeet, but my main area of expertise is canines that's dogs to the layperson.

She smiles at this.

MARY Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how

are you involved with them?

HARRY Oh, I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them; I've even bred them.

MARY Really? Any unusual breeding?

HARRY Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But one time we successfully mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu.

MARY Really? That's weird.

HARRY Yeah. We called it a Bullshit. (breaks out LAUGHING) Just a little breeder joke.

89.

She seems strangely charmed by this.

HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, the real reason I came over is because I want to introduce you to a friend of mine.

Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a martini and looking a little sloshed.

HELEN Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend.

MARY Actually, we haven't been introduced yet. (holds out hand) I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my stepmother, Helen.

HARRY Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you both.

HELEN I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne. I was hoping we'd get a chance to meet.

HARRY (taken aback) You were?

HELEN That tuxedo I love a man with a sense of humor. So does Mary.

Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry.

HARRY Really?

For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages to snap out of it.

HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, about my friend you doing anything tomorrow, Mr. Dunne? Because I believe Mary's looking for somebody to hit the slopes with. Whuh?

MARY Helen, you're embarrassing me.

90.

HELEN Well you are, aren't you? (to Harry) Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So what do you say, Harry? Are you available?

Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a hopeful Lloyd.

HARRY Oh, I don't know. You see, my friend your friends for one day. You and Mary will have a ball.

Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer.

HARRY (CONT'D) Um... well... I don't know. You see, the thing is... sure.

ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns.

LLOYD How come you didn't call me over?

HARRY Relax, you're golden. I got you a ate with her tomorrow.

Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's SPEECHLESS.

LLOYD Wha... you... I... it's... (smiles) I love you, man. I love you!

Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE.

HARRY Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're making a scene.

Lloyd steps back elated.

LLOYD This calls for a toast!

He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to open it.

91.

LLOYD (CONT'D) You're gonna be my best man, Har, I mean it. It was always between you and my future wife's brother, but you just earned a seat at the head table, pal.

Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND ZIPS ACROSS

THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN WIDER-

EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!, and a THUMP!

A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their stunned attention to the cage.

THEIR POV - FEATHERS ARE FLOATING IN THE AIR THROUGHOUT THE CAGE, AND ONE OF THE ICELANDIC SNOW

Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to extinction.

Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking champagne bottle from Lloyd and places it on the bar.

HARRY (under breath) I think we've done enough hobnobbing, Lloyd.

The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before anyone can figure out what happened anyone except for Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been standing nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't look very happy.

CUT TO:

INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT

Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand while J.P. Shay looks on nervously.

J.P. SHAY Maybe it was just a coincidence.

ANDRE Don't be stupid. It's a message, plain and simple: We killed their bird, now they killed ours.

92.

J.P. SHAY But how could anybody off a bird with a cork?

ANDRE These guys arent' just anybody. They're good. Look what they did to Mental. He was the best, and yet he fell right into their web.

J.P. SHAY But the bastards already got our money. What the hell more could they want?

Andre runs his fingers through his hair.

ANDRE (at wit's end) I don't know, god damn it!

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING

A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes including a pair of thermal tights.

LLOYD Mrs. Christmas... Mary Christmas... Mrs. Mary Christmas. You

know, it has kind of a ring to it, oesn't it, Har?

HARRY Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you think you may be jumping the gun a little? I mean, who knows, when you get to know her, you may find out she's not your type.

LLOYD Impossible. I know my type when I see it. Now let me get this straight, she wants me to meet her at the Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main Street?

HARRY That's what she said. Ten o'clock sharp.

This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up.

93.

LLOYD Time out. Where are going ressed like that.

HARRY I, uh, thought while you were making your love connection I'd try my luck on the slopes.

LLOYD You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights?

HARRY These aren't tights. They're fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.

LLOYD But you can see the outline of your who-who.

Harry looks down at his crotch.

HARRY Really?

LLOYD Turn sideways.

Harry turns his profile against the window.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Actually, it's just a tiny little lump. No one will ever notice.

HARRY You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.

CUT TO:

EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building.

INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE

People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined up on the wall behind them. Mary is waiting by the fireplace in an incredibly sexy snowsuit.

94.

Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As he begins to clumsily make his way through the lodge toward Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over a row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he reaches her, OUT OF BREATH.

HARRY Sorry I'm late. It's a bitch driving a clutch with these things.

EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY

Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple ahead of them get on a chair, and then they shuffle into position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair. The chair swings around, comes up behind them, and makes a smooth pick up of Mary, that is. An embarrassed Harry is STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride. Mary looks back at him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be stretching.

HARRY (CALLING OUT) You take the first run alone. I'm gonna loosen up down here.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY

Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the day.

WAITER I'm sorry, we don't open until eleven. This is disconcerting news to Lloyd.

LLOYD I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait at the bar?

The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY

Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it rises higher and higher toward the imposing mountain top. Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously.

MARY Beautiful day, huh, Harry?

95.

HARRY Glorious.

Mary takes a DEEP BREATH.

MARY God, it feels so good to get up here. I haven't been outdoors much in the last couple of weeks.

HARRY Why not?

MARY (evasive) There's been... family problems. I on't want to bore you with them.

HARRY Thanks.

He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift bar.

HARRY (CONT'D) Oh, look... frost.

He licks it and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN METAL. He tugs a few times, but it won't budge.

MARY Are you okay?

HARRY (lisping) Sure. I do this all the time... CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY

As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary disembarks but Harry stays on.

HARRY (lisping) See ya at the bottom...

Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down the hill.

CUT TO:

96.

EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY

The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE KIDS climb on with him.

HARRY (lisping) Hi. (off their looks) Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you?

The two kids just stare at him.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON

A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him now. The bar is open and there are a few CUSTOMERS sprinkled about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the clock on the wall. It's 12:30.

We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the Athletic Beauty that Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Hi.

Lloyd GRUNTS a hello.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Bad day, huh?

Lloyd GRUNTS once more. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) (big smile) well don't worry, Mercury's supposed to be coming out or retrograde tonight. Things will get better.

AS LLOYD GRUNTS AGAIN, WE

CUT TO:

EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON

Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and stops with a snow-spraying flourish. She looks around the outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE- TAKE.

97.

MARY'S POV - HARRY IS SITTING AT A TABLE, STILL ATTACHED TO THE CHAIR LIFT (WHICH

has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of coffee and trying to act nonchalant, espite the gawking of the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g.

BACK TO SCENE

MARY My god. Harry, are you okay?

HARRY (lisping) I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal J.P. Shay a few hundred feet up the hill with a high-powered rifle trained on Harry.

SHAY You're luck just ran out, pal.

As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go

BACK TO SCENE

MARY This is silly. Let me help you...

Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously. She grabs his head in both hands and starts pulling it away from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH RIDICULOUSLY... FIVE INCHES... SIX... THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain. Suddenly, his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards out of the path of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain:

MIME GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?!

The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously into the lodge as the CROWD BOOS him.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON

Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty RAMBLES ON beside him.

98.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY ...Anyway, after my boyfriend backed into my garage for the third time, I said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for your life before he kills you both'. Then you know what the klutz does and to be perfectly honest, I on't really care. (beat) Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very good company today. I'll say. (beat) I have an idea. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself.

LLOYD Maybe some other time.

Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER.

LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?

BARTENDER Sure. Her family comes in here all the time.

LLOYD Do you know where she lives?

BARTENDER Yeah, they got that big place up on Alpine Drive.

CUT TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON

The hearse pulls up to the house and stops.

INT. HEARSE

MARY I've got to tell you, today was really just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry.

HARRY My pleasure, Mary.

She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek.

99.

MARY So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?

HARRY Better make it quarter to eight. I've got a few things to take care of first.

Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and walks toward the house.

HARRY (CONT'D) (to himself) Mary Dunne... Mrs. Mary Dunne... Got a nice ring to it.

We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a SHATTERED LLOYD

WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF.

LLOYD Some best man.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally BUMMED OUT.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING

Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns surprise at what he's just heard. HARRY It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd. She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are you sure you went to the right bar?

LLOYD Believe me, it was the right place. (SIGHS) I don't know, Har, maybe she just had second thoughts.

HARRY I have a hard time believing that, Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't wait to see you again.

Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES TO HIM.

100.

HARRY (CONT'D) Wait a minute...

LLOYD What?

HARRY It just occurred to me. She must've meant ten o'clock at night.

LLOYD (brightening) Do ya think...?

HARRY Of course! Why would she have you meet her at a bar at ten in the morning?

LLOYD (shrugging) I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity.

HARRY Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties?

LLOYD I knew there was an explanation. And here I thought she was standing me up.

HARRY That'll teach you to jump to conclusions. (beat) Anyway, since you have your night all

planned, I think I'll run out and catch a flick.

As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his fist and glares after him. Then he regains his composure and moves to the bar.

LLOYD Will you join me in a good luck toast before you head out?

101.

HARRY (o.s.) Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think will help your chances.

Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee and throws a splash of Bailey's in each. He check to make sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF EX-LAX.

LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN.

WHEN HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET DRESSED IN A NEW SUIT AND TIE, LLOYD DOES A DOUBLE-

take.

LLOYD Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't you?

HARRY Uh... it's for mature audiences. I on't wanna chance getting turned away at the door.

LLOYD I see.

Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his own glass.

LLOYD (CONT'D) To my friend Harry the matchmaker.

Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway. HARRY Mmmmm...

He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in anticipation of the night. Suddenly we hear a LOW, INTESTINAL RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach.

102.

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT

The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's walking up the steps to the house when we hear more GASEOUS THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets his insides under control, and continues to the front porch, where he RINGS the bell.

Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings.

MARY Hi. Come on in.

INT. SWANSON CHALET

Harry follows her inside.

MARY Make yourself at home. I'm almost ready. Just give me one more minute.

As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET STOMACH again. He notices a bathroom off the hallway and rushes inside.

INT. BATHROOM

HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and nestles onto the throne. He lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF as he does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he hears a KNOCK on the door.

MARY (o.s.) Are you in there, Harry? HARRY (nervously) Be right out.

MARY (o.s.) I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.

ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible SWEAT breaks out on his forehead.

HARRY Huh?

103.

MARY (o.s.) It doesn't flush.

HARRY Um, no, I was just... shaving.

EXT. HALLWAY

A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door.

MARY Shaving?

HARRY (o.s.) Yeah! I was running a little late. Thought this would save time.

MARY Okay. Well I'll be in the living room whenever you're ready.

INT. BATHROOM

Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few valves.

HARRY (under breath) Come on, flush, you bastard...

EXT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT

Mary's sitting patiently on the couch with her legs crossed. She looks at her watch, then flips on the TV. ON THE TUBE - the news is on. A WOMAN REPORTER is addressing the CAMERA gravely:

REPORTER We'll be back in a minute with the story of the blind Indiana boy who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.

We see Billy the blind boy from apartment 4-C sitting in his wheelchair, holding up Petey the parakeet with its head Scotch taped on its body.

BLIND BOY ...I thought he was real quiet...

104.

The Reporter shakes her head and they go to a commercial. Mary SHIVERS at this and turns off the television. Suddenly the DOORBELL RINGS. She gets up and opens the front door.

HER POV - a dapper Lloyd is standing there in his new Aspen- chic clothes.

MARY Yes...?

LLOYD Hi. (beat) Don't you remember me?

MARY Um... I'm not really...

LLOYD South Bend. I drove you to the airport last week.

MARY (dawning on her) Oh my god. Lloyd, right?

Lloyd is thrilled at this.

LLOYD You remembered.

MARY What are you doing in Aspen?

LLOYD I brought you your briefcase You left it at the airport so I picked it up for you.

Mary's MOUTH DROPS OPEN.

MARY You're the one who took my briefcase?

LLOYD Yeah, it's back at my hotel room. Come on, let's take a ride. I'll give it to you.

Mary is torn between getting her briefcase and waiting for Harry.

MARY Wait right here.

105.

She goes to the bathroom door. Inside we hear the LOUD CLANKING of metal against metal.

MARY (CONT'D) Harry, what are you doing in there?

INT. BATHROOM

Harry's got the eintire toilet completely DISASSEMBLED now. Various pieces of the commode litter the floor, including the big plastic float ball. He's on his knees tinkering with some pipes coming out of the wall.

HARRY Uh... just cleaning my teeth. Give me a minute, Mary, I'll be right with you.

MARY (o.s.) Sorry, but something important's come up and I have to run out. It's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.

HARRY But Mary --

MARY (o.s.) --I'm really sorry, Harry. I promise we'll do this another time.

Harry hears her FOOTSTEPS echo down the hallway and then the front DOOR CLOSING. Harry slumps against the sink, defeated. HARRY Great...

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S JAGUAR - NIGHT

Lloyd is in the passenger seat, wearing a subtle, SATISFIED SMILE. An anxious looking Mary is at the wheel.

EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT

The Jaguar pulls up in front of the hotel. As Lloyd and Mary get out, we PAN OVER to reveal that they were being followed by Nicholas Andre and J.P. Shay in a Mercedes.

106.

INT. ANDRE'S MERCEDES

Andre pulls a PISTOL from beneath his seat and slips it into his coat.

ANDRE They're mine...

INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE

The door opens and Lloyd and Mary ENTER.

LLOYD ..So anyway, as soon as I got to town I tried to look you up but I idn't know your last name.

He leads her to the closed BRIEFCASE which is sitting on the bed.

MARY I don't believe it. You really have it.

LLOYD 'Course I have it. When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, he makes sure she gets all her luggage, no matter what he has to

o.

Mary looks at Lloyd and smiles.

MARY This is incredible. You mean to say you drove two thousand miles just for me?

LLOYD Well... no... I mean, you know, there were other reasons... (beat) Actually, yeah, I guess I did.

She can't believe her ears.

MARY That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

107.

He drops his head and Mary leans over and kisses him on the cheek.

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

A sullen Harry is driving back to the hotel.

HARRY (MUMBLING to himself) It's all Kharma, Harry. You screw your best friend over and it's gonna come back to haunt you, plain and simple...

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE

CLOSE ON LLOYD'S FACE - he's starry-eyed in love as he spills his guts.

LLOYD Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden but I've given it a lot of thought: You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life, and I'm not ashamed to admit it -- (holds up his hand) --Please, let me finish. (DEEP BREATH) I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anyone. You make it so easy for me to tell you my innermost desires. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy again. (beat) A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

Suddenly we hear TOILET FLUSHING O.S.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS that Lloyd has been talking to an EMPTY CHAIR. The bathroom oor opens and Mary comes out. She looks around, expecting to see someone else.

MARY Oh... I thought I heard you talking to someone.

108.

Lloyd is flustered. He swallows hard. It's the moment of truth.

LLOYD Mary... (BLURTING OUT) I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

MARY (taken aback) Maybe I should be going now.

LLOYD No, that's not what Imeant. I meant... I really like you, Mary. I like you a lot.

She smiles at this.

LLOYD (CONT'D) I'm gonna ask you something flat out and I want you to answer me honestly: What do you think the chances are of a girl like you and a guy like me ending up together?

Mary is obviously thrown by this question.

MARY Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I

mean we hardly --

LLOYD --I asked you to be honest, Mary. MARY But Lloyd, I really can't --

LLOYD --Come on, give it to me straight. I rove a long way to see you, the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

MARY Not good.

BEAT

LLOYD You mean not good, like one out of a hundred?

109.

MARY I'd say more like one out of a million.

BEAT

LLOYD (Duh) So you're telling me there's a chance?

Just then, there's a KNOCK at the door. When Lloyd opens it, he's face to face with Nicholas Andre.

MARY Nicholas... what are you doing here?

ANDRE I've been looking for you, Mary.

I've got some interesting news about your husband.

Lloyd looks at MAry, devastated.

LLOYD Husband?

ANDRE Aren't you two going to invite me in?

Lloyd and Mary hear a CLICK and turn to see Andre POINTING A GUN at them. Andre steps into the room, and we

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL DANBURY - LOBBY - NIGHT As Harry mopes through the lobby, we hear someone CALL OUT:

WOMAN'S VOICE (o.s.) Hey!

Harry turns to see the Athletic Beauty approaching.

HARRY You...? What are you doing here?

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE

Nicholas Andre has his gun pointed at a stunned Lloyd and Mary.

110.

ANDRE Well at least you two got to say your goodbyes.

LLOYD Who are you?

ANDRE Don't play dumb with me, asshole. I'm the rightful ower of that briefcase you've been carrying.

LLOYD Uh-oh.

Mary can't believe what's happening.

MARY Nicholas, you... you motherfucker! My family trusted you!

ANDRE Shut up!

LLOYD Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want you to know, my friend Harry and I have every intention of reimbursing you.

Andre looks alarmed. He motions Mary to the briefcase with his gun.

ANDRE Open that damn thing! Mary opens the briefcase and a pile of WHITE, CRUMPLED-UP BALLS OF PAPER fall out along with a few packets of hundreds.

ANDRE (CONT'D) What the hell's this? Where's all the money?

LLOYD That's as good as money, sir. Those are our IOUs. You can add them up yourself. Every penny's accounted for.

Andre looks like his head is about to BURST in anger.

ANDRE You're fucking dead!

111.

LLOYD Now don't do anything hasty, man.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY

Harry gets out of the elevator and lets himself into the Presidential Suite.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE

Harry ENTERS looking contrite and CALLS OUT:

HARRY Lloyd, are you home? We've gotta talk, man. I have a serious confession to make.

Harry comes around the corner and STOPS COLD.

HIS POV - Lloyd and Mary are lying on the bed, their arms handcuffed to the bedpost.

HARRY (CONT'D) Oh good, you found her. I'll just leave you two kids alone.

Harry turns to go, but bumps into the MUZZLE OF ANDRE'S GUN.

ANDRE Why don't you stay and join the party?

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Harry is sitting beside Lloyd and Mary on the bed. Nicholas Andre keeps his gun trained on them while he SPEAKS on the phone:

ANDRE ..I want a one-way ticket to Rio De Janerio departing as soon as possible...

ON THE BED - Harry and Lloyd can't look each other in the eye.

MARY You mean you two know each other?

112.

LLOYD (cutting) Yeah, we used to be best friends.

HARRY Until he turned into a backstabber.

LLOYD Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve. I saw her first.

HARRY Hey, I couldn't help it if she found me irresistable.

Mary ROLLS HER EYES at this.

LLOYD But you knew how crazy I was about her.

HARRY Yeah, and you knew how crazy I was about Fraida Felcher, but that didn't stop you, did it?

LLOYD (waning righteousness) What are you talking about?

HARRY Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sordid story.

Lloyd can't muster a defense. LLOYD Look... I was gonna tell you about that. It was gonna be mentioned at the reading of my will. I swear, you can ask my lawyer.

Harry glares at him.

HARRY Well I guess we both learned a little something about each other, didn't we?

LLOYD You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good friends as we thought we were.

113.

HARRY Guess not.

LLOYD I mean, if one beautiful girl could rip us apart like this, then it seems our friendship isn't worth a damn. (beat) Maybe we should call it quits right here.

HARRY Just tell me where to sign, bud.

Suddenly they hear the metallic CLICK-CLACK OF A GUN BEING COCKED.

ANDRE Okay, which one of you losers wants to die first?

The guys exchange a look and SWALLOW HARD.

HARRY I wouldn't pull that trigger if I were you.

ANDRE Why not? It'll look like just another Aspen love triangle. You caught the two of them in bed, handcuffed them to the post, murdered them, and killed yourself.

HARRY (smug) Except you're forgetting one minor etail.

ANDRE What's that?

Lloyd and Mary look at Harry, hopeful.

HARRY If you kill us, you'd be killing yourself.

ANDRE (puzzled) Huh?

114.

HARRY You see, philosophers believe that we're all really just tiny pieces of one huge universal being. In other words, I am you and you are me, so if you were to kill us you'd be committing suicide, you unenlightened

idiot --

ANDRE --Shut up!

Mary sees that they're in deep shit now.

MARY What about my husband? Did you kill him, too?

HARRY Husband? What husband?

LLOYD Mary's married, Harry.

ANDRE No need to worry about Melvin. (beat) Now this is the last time I'll ask: Who wants to die first?

Harry gestures with his head at Mary.

HARRY Kill her. The bitch should've told him she was married back at the airport. It would've saved us a lot of trouble.

Andre points the gun at Mary.

LLOYD No, I'll go first, Harry. I was the one who got you into this mess.

Andre points the gun at Lloyd.

HARRY No, wait, do me first. I'm the one who stole your girl, Lloyd. I eserve it.

115.

Andre SIGHS and points the gun at Harry. Then, as Mary and Lloyd look on in horror, he FIRES TWICE. Harry grabs his stomach and falls off the bed to the floor.

LLOYD Jesus Christ! You killed my best friend, you bastard!

Andre smiles.

ANDRE If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.

He aims the gun at Lloyd, COCKS THE TRIGGER. Suddenly, a SHOT RINGS OUT and the gun is blown out of Andre's hand.

ON THE FLOOR - Harry is very much alive and pointing a pistol at the stunned Nicholas Andre.

LLOYD Harry! You're alive!

Just them, the door BURSTS OPEN and SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS storm in with their weapons drawn.

COP #1 Get your hands up, asshole!

Lloyd and Harry throw their hands into the air. A stunned Andre turns to see six guns pointing at his head. He reluctantly raises his hands. Mary and Lloyd are flabbergasted by the turn of events.

There's a sudden commotion in the room. Pushing her way through the mass of cops comes the Athletic Beauty. She flashes an ID.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Special Officer Kathryn Frick. Federal Bureau of Investigation.

LLOYD (dumbstruck) You gotta be kidding.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Good work, Harry.

Lloyd looks to his friend, confused. Harry opens his shirt, revealing a BULLET-PROOF VEST.

116.

HARRY She grabbed me down in the lobby and explained what was up. They slapped this on me and gave me a gun.

LLOYD (to Athletic Beauty) But how did you...?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY We've been following you two all the way from Providence. Mr. and Mrs. Swanson had a homing device plated in the briefcase.

The guys glance guiltily at one another.

HARRY Yeah, about that dough...

ATHLETIC BEAUTY Every bill was counterfeit and marked.

Harry and Lloyd EXHALE A SIGH OF RELIEF.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT

There's a swarm of ONLOOKERS as Andre and J.P. Shay are hustled into a police car and driven away. While Mary TALKS to the police, Harry and Lloyd stare at her lovingly.

LLOYD She's something, ain't she, Har? HARRY You were right, Lloyd. She was efinitely worth the trip.

LLOYD Guess we have to admit it, she was too good for us.

Just then, a cruiser pulls up and Mary's husband jumps out.

MELVIN Oh god, baby, I missed you!

Harry and Lloyd stare in wonder as MEL GIBSON climbs out of the car. Mary and Mel embrace, then Mel turns to the guys.

117.

MELVIN (CONT'D) I can't thank you enough, fellas. It was so darn dank in that well, I really thought it would be the death of me.

Harry and Lloyd are too stunned to respond. They look at each other, and we

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LOBBY - HOTEL DANBURY - THE NEXT DAY

Lloyd and Harry come out of the elevator with their meager luggage, but this time nobody rushes to their aid.

EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY

The guys EXIT the hotel and approach the Bell Captain, Barnard.

HARRY Hey, Barney...

BELL CAPTAIN Yes, gentlemen?

LLOYD Look, we just wanted to say that we appreciate all you did for us during our stay.

HARRY And we're, um, sorry about the money we gave you turning out to be phony. BELL CAPTAIN Don't worry about it, gentlemen. The Swanson family has promised to reimburse everyone.

This seems to please Lloyd and Harry. The hearse is delivered to the front door.

LLOYD Well, anyway, thanks again for everything.

They turn to go, but Barnard CALLS TO THEM:

BARNARD Where are you two headed?

118.

HARRY I dunno. I'm sure we'll find a trailer camp somewhere to call home.

BARNARD Why not right here?

Harry and Lloyd look at each other, confused.

LLOYD This joint is a little out of our budget, Barney.

BARNARD (smiling) Oh, I think we might be able to find you a free room somewhere -- after all, like you once told me, we're all from the same mold. (winks) You just don't have any dough right now.

The guys are STUNNED by Barnard's generous offer.

HARRY Are you on the level?

BARNARD Absolutely. We'll just slide you into one of the employee rooms...

The guys beam at this.

BARNARD (CONT'D) ...Provided, of course, you don't mind working one or two afternoons a week.

Harry and Lloyd lock eyes. Then:

LLOYD You know what, Barney, I think we'll take out chances down the road.

Barnard shakes his head as the two fools climb into their hearse and drive off.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

As the hearse drives down the road, we hear V.O.:

119.

HARRY (v.o.) Since we're finished elbow-rubbing, what next, lloyd?

LLOYD (v.o.) I say we head due south and try a little nose-rubbing with some of them slinky eskimo babes.

HARRY (v.o.) Now you're talking my language. You know I got a weakness for blondes.

As they head toward their next adventure, the CAMERA PULLS UP, UP, UP...

END CREDITS

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