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Robert Asprin - Epigraps for Myth Series

: Robert Asprin "Epigraps for Myth Series".


I. Another Fine Myth

1. "There are things on heaven and earth,
Horatio, Man was not meant to know"

2. "Things are not always as they seem"

3. "The only thing more reliable than magik is
one's friends!"

4. "Careful planning is the key to safe and
swift travel"

5. "Only constant and conscientious practice
in the Martial Arts will ensure a long and
happy life"
-B. Lee

6. "Attention to detail is the watchword for
gleaning information from an unsuspecting
-Insp. Clouseau

7. "Is there anything in the universe more
beautiful and protective than the simple
complexity of a spider's web?"

8. "In times of crisis, it is of utmost impor-
tance not to lose one's head"
-M. Antoinette

9. "To function efficiently, any group of
people or employees must have faith in
their leader"
-Capt. Bligh (ret.)

10. "Man shall never reach his full capacity
while chained to the earth. We must take
wing and conquer the heavens"

11. "One of the joys of travel is visiting new
towns and meeting new people"
-G. Khan

12. "First impressions are of major importance
in business matters"
-J. Pierpoint Finch

13. "The secret to winning the support of large
groups of people is positive thinking"
-N. Bonaparte

14. "A little help at the right time is better than
a lot of help at the wrong time"

15. "Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as
taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby"
-R. Hood

16. "Just because something doesn't do what
you planned it to do doesn't mean it's use-
-T. Edison

17. "The wonders of the ages assembled for
your edification, education, and enjoy-
ment - for a price"
-P.T. Barnum

18. "No matter what the product or service
might be, you can find it somewhere else
-E. Scrooge

19. "By persevering over all obstacles and
distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at
his chosen goal or destination"
-C. Columbus

20. "With the proper consideration in choice of
allies, victory may be guaranteed in any
-B. Arnold

21. "One must deal openly and fairly with one's
forces if maximum effectiveness is to be
-D. Vader

22. "This is another fine myth you've gotten me
-Lor L. and Har D.

23. "Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever
gone as planned"
-D. Graeme

24. "Ya gotta be subtle!"
-M. Hammer

25. "Just because you've beaten a sorcerer,
doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer"

26. "A woman, like a good piece of music,
should have a solid end"
-F. Schubert

II. Myth Conceptions

1. "Life is a series of rude awakenings"
-R.V. Winkle

2. "First impressions, being the longest
lasting, are of utmost importance"
-J. Carter

3. "Ninety percent of any business trans-
action is selling yourself to the client"
-X. Hollander

4. "If the proper preparations have been
made and the necessary precautions
taken, any staged event is guaranteed
-Ethelred the Unready

5. "...Eye of newt, toe of frog..."
-Believed to be the first recipe
for an explosive mixture...
The forerunner of gunpowder

6. "That's entertainment!"
-Vlad the Impaler

7. "Numerical superiority is of no conse-
quence. In battle, victory will go to the
best tactician"
-G.A. Custer

8. "Anything worth doing, is worth doing
for a profit"

9. "There is more at stake here than our
-Col. Travis
Alamo Pep Talk

10. "One need not fear superior numbers if
the opposing force has been properly
scouted and appraised"
-S. Bull

11. "Should old acquaintance be forgot..."
-Count of Monte Cristo

12. "This is no game for old men! Send in
the boys!"
-W. Hays

13. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce"
-Henry VIII

14. "We're looking for a few good men"
-B. Cassidy

15. "I'll worry about it tomorrow"
-S. O'Hara

16. "Myth-conceptions are the major cause
of wars!"
-A. Hitler

17. "Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the
civilized warrior"
-Hun, A.T.

18. "Just before the battle, Mother, I was
thinking mos of you..."
-Sonny Barker

19. "What if they gave a war and only one
side came-"

20. "Chain of command is the backbone of
military structure and must be strictly
-F. Christian

21. "It takes a giant to fight a giant"
-H. Prym

22. "Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched"
-C. Mather

23. "What is this, a Chinese fire drill?"
-Sun Tzu

24. "...and then I said to myself, 'Why
should I split it two ways-'"
-G. Mouser

25. "Is everybody happy?"

26. "All's well that ends well"
-E.A. Poe

III. Myth Directions

1. "Dragons and Demons and Kings,
Oh my!"
-The Cowardly Klahd

2. "When old friends get together,
everything else pales to insignificance"
-War, Famine, Pestilence
and Death

3. "That's funny, I never have any
trouble with sevice when I'm shopping"
-K. Kong

4. "'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute
-Baron Frank N. Further

5. "Nothing is impossible. Anything can
be accomplished with proper prepa-
rations and planning"
-Ponce de Leon

6. "Now you see it, now you don't"
-H. Shadowspawn

7. "A friend in need is a pest"

8. "Once more into the breach..."
-Zarna, the Human Cannonball

9. "War may be Hell... but it's good for
-The Association for
Merchants, Manufacturers,
and Morticians

10. "Old heroes never die; they reappear
in sequels"
-M. Moorcock

11. "What do you mean, 'You've got a
little job for me'?"

12. "Out of the frying pan, into der fire"
-The Swedish Chief

13. "If you can't dazzle them with dex-
terity, baffle them with bullshit!"
-Prof. H. Hill

14. "As any magician will tell you - Myth
Directions is the secret of a suc-
cessful steal"
-D. Henning

15. "-Or was it unlock the safe then
swim to the surface?"
-H. Houdini

16. "...and then the fun began"
-N. Bonaparte

17. "I'm sure we can talk things out like
civilized people"
-J. Wayne

18. "What's the point-spread on World
War III?"
-R. Reagan

19. "Why should I pay a troll just
to cross a bridge?"
-B.G. Gruff

20. "What are friends for?"
-R.M. Nixon

21. "We've got an unbeatable team!"

22. "No matter what the game, no matter
what the rules, the same rules apply
to both sides!"
-Hoyle's Law

23. "Life is full of little surprises"

24. "This contest has to be the dumbest
thing I've ever seen"
-H. Cosell

25. "If you can't win fair, just win!"
-U.S. Grant

26. "Winning isn't the most important
thing; it's the only thing!"
-J. Caesar

27. "Ask not for whom the bell tolls-"
-M. Ali

IV. Hit or Myth

1. "There's something to be said for relatives
...it has to be said because it's unprint-
-A. Einstein

2. "When things are blackest, I just tell myself
'cheer up, things could be worse!' And
sure enough, they get worse!"

3. "Once a knight, always a knight,
But once a King is once too often!"
-Sir Bella of Eastmarch

4. "Duty: a fee paid for transacting in
-U.S. Dept. of Commerce

5. "The only thing worse that a sorcerer is a
sorcerer's apprentice"
-M. Mouse

6. "Good information is hard to get. Doing
anything with it is even harder!"
-L. Skywalker

7. "There is no counter for a spirited woman
except spirited drink"
-R. Butler

8. "Choose your friends carefully. Your ene-
mies will choose you!"
-Y. Arafat

9. "I don't know why anyone would be nerv-
ous about going to see royalty"
-P. in Boots

10. "Superior firepower is an invaluable tool
when entering into negotiations"
-G. Patton

11. "Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a
bit for you..."

12. "I'm making this up as I go along!"
-I. Jones

13. "Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be
approached with care and caution"

14. "Some farewells are easier than others"
-P. Marlowe

15. "In a war against organized crime, survival
is a hit or myth proposition"
-M. Bolan

16. "It's always easier to destroy than to
-Any general, any army, any age

17. "The best laid plans often go fowl"
-Wile E. Coyote

18. "Life can be profitable, if you know the

19. "These blokes need to be taught to respect
their superiors"
-Gen. Cornwallis

20. "Figure the last thing you would expect
the enemy to do, then count on him doing
precisely that!"

21. "Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!"
-V. Dracula

VII. M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link

1. "Petty crime is the scourge of business today"
-D. Lorean

2. "It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!"
-L. Borgia

3. "It's all a matter of taste"
-B. Midler

4. "If you're too busy to help your friends, you're
too busy!"
-L. Iacocca

5. "What fools these mortals be"

6. "Not everything in life is funny"
-R.L. Asprin

VIII. Myth-Nomers and Im-pervections

1. "Nobody's seen it all!"
-Marco Polo

2. "They don't make 'em like they used to!"
-H. Ford

3. "It's not even a nice place to visit!"
-Fodor's Guide To Perv

4. "Taxis are water soluble"
-G. Kelly

5. "I just need to pick up a few things"
-I. Marcos

6. "There's no place like home!"
-H. Johnson

7. "...On the street where you live"
-Quote from an anonymous extortion note

8. "There's never a cop around when you need
-A. Capone

9. "...You gotta start somewhere"
-S. McDuck

10. "All financiers are not created equal!"
-R. Corman

11. "How come I get all the hard questions?"
-O. North

12. "HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..."

13. "Who? Me, Officer?"
-J. Dillinger

14. "Parting is such sweet sorrow"

15. "Easy credit terms available..."

16. "You can judge the success of a man by his

17. "Bibbity... bobbity..."
-S. Strange, M.D.

18. "'M' is for many things she taught me..."

19. "I am not a crook!"
-Any crook

20. "Were you looking for me?"
-Dr. Livingstone

IX. M.Y.T.H. Inc. In Action

0. "What am I doing here?"
-Any recruit, any army

1. "What do you mean
my characters talk funny?"
-D. Runyon

2. "We want to make you
feel at home!"
-L. Borgia

3. "Just a little off the top!"
-A. Boleyn

4. "Squeeze, don't jerk, the trigger"
-R. Rogers

5. "When I travel, nobody knows me...
and I like it that way!"
-S. King

6. "Boards don't hit back!"
-B. Lee

7. "To Serve and Protect..."
-Traditional motto of
protection rackets

8. "It takes one to know one!"
-Jack D. Ripper

9. "Manners are acquired, not inherited!"
-S. Penn

10. "Now, here's my plan!"
-R. Burns

11. "That's why the lady is a tramp!"
-B. Midler

12. "It sure looks to me like a big night
-Arthur, Rex

13. "Weren't you expecting me?"
-J. Rambo

14. "You countermanded me on whose
-Pope John

15. "An army travels on its paperwork!"
-J. Carlson

16. "So what's wrong with following
established procedures?"
-M. Gorbachev

17. "Ya gotta speak the language"
-N. Webster

18. "Has anybody got a plan?"
-G.A. Custer

19. "We must hurry... It's almost over!"
-P. Fogg

20. "I want a rematch!"
-M. Tyson

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