>> - / Catwoman

- / Catwoman

: - / Catwoman.

- / Catwoman


A cat is heard moaning, at first gently, then unbearably.


Coming out of the darkness, the viewer's viewpoint glides across a moonlit blanket of snow toward the cry of the wounded feline. A BLACK CAT is revealed twitching on its back amid the expanse of white. The viewer hangs over her only briefly before drifting forward...

Like mismatched carpet samples, the patch of glowing snow cuts neatly-absurdly at a patch of sunscorched desert.


Easing all the way into the daylit desert, one catches sight of a lizard and gloms onto the creature's frenetic path, moving faster and faster across the parched land. Until Zap. The Lizard kamikazes into a grand electrified barricade.

The viewer's viewpoint arcs over the fence, way, way, into the air to take in a spectacular view of the sparkling OASISBURG, a gorgeous urban island in a sea of dirt and sand. Major Emerald City vibe. As the viewer circles the city, day turns to night, lights blast on everywhere, and the voice of Selina Kyle insinuates onto the soundtrack.

SELINA (V.O.) I do not know how I came to live in Oasisburg. No one ever DOES. But then I have forgotten what "is" and more to the point, what ever WAS.

The viewer's viewpoint whooshes down into the city to squeamishly embrace its majestic tackiness. As frightening as it sounds, the city is a crazed amalgamation of LA-Vegas-Palm Springs- Disneyland. Garish billboards shriek simple messages like RELAX and BE HAPPY. People putter about not in cars, but in adorable golf-cart vehicles.

The viewer makes a dazzling plow down the painful neon of the city's MAIN STREET toward an awesome edifice at the end. A Casino- and-more to end all casinos-and-more. A colossal sign proclaims it FRANK'S FUN PALACE.

SELINA (V.O.) The most Hot and most Top tourist spot in the world--a place like all places only more SO. Was I, Selina Kyle, having fun with the fun of Oasisburg? The answer is NO.

The whooshing airborne tour of Oasisburg, Selina's narration, and whatever holy music is bellowing on the soundtrack all come to a dead halt outside a lit-up room in the middle of a bland office building.


Beneath a flickering fluorescent, A GROUP OF UNHAPPY WOMEN sit slumped in a circle of uncomfortable chairs. Not very spectacular. Heading the group in infinitely more upbeat dress and demeanor, as if on a first date, is an ultra-perky demon named DR. PENELOPE SNUGGLE.

PENELOPE We did it. We've won. Over the last years, there have been super changes for women and we should be pleased as, dare I say it, punch. Hand to back--proceed to pat. There are limits though; and Barbara, if you try starting your own business, you'll probably fail. I say that in the nicest possible way. Who's next?

SAD WOMAN Hi, I'm Mona. And I'm a victim.


SAD WOMAN My husband tried putting styrofoam down the garbage disposal. I told him he shouldn't do that--he just started screaming at me...

PENELOPE I have one word for you, Mona. "Sh-h- h." It's a better for a woman's soul to take pain, than to give it out. Now have we all finished my new book...

Penelope holds up a hardcover with a lame drawing of Catwoman-- THE CATWOMAN COMPLEX by Dr. Penelope Snuggle.

PENELOPE The Catwoman Complex of course refers to the fabled Catwoman--We all know the "tale," pardon the pun-- a couple years back, in where-else-but that gloomy heckhole Gotham City, a woman, all done up as a black cat, was supposedly sighted committing various acts of terrorism. Whether or not she actually ever existed, this "Catwoman" has much to teach us-- that the pursuit of power turns women into monsters and very unhappy monsters at that. Women, stop trying to be Catwomen and start being women. Who's next?

A short, sweet pan is made from the Sad Woman to the completely bent-over woman beside her. She raises her head. It is the woman we know to be SELINA KYLE. And she has been through hell. With all her energy, she aches her voice into a barely audible, melancholy rasp.

SELINA Hello, I'm Selina Kyle.

THE GROUP Hi, Selina.

SELINA And I'm a victim. I mean, that's what they tell me. I was brought into an emergency room in that aforementioned hellhole Gotham City-- scars, bruises, and bulletholes all over my body. Most interesting thing that's ever happened to me and I remember nothing. Nothing. My mother brought me back here to Oasisburg to "Relax" and "Be Happy," just like the billboards say. But it's hard, I...

Selina is rudely cut off by a melodic chime sonic-booming across the city. All the women except Selina do a giddy, Pavlovian leap from their chairs and race to the window.

(NO LONGER) SAD WOMAN It's the call for the Cult of Good!

PENELOPE Be still, my heart..

Through the ladies' POV, criminal activity is in progress down below.


AN ARMY OF MEN IN ZEBRA-STRIPED SHIRTS AND BLACK BERETS hustle out from the gaping smoking hole in the face of a bank. They race to a line of getaway golf carts. Their EYE-PATCHED LEADER shouts up at the melodic chiming.

EYE-PATCHED LEADER Hurry men, those silly superheroes are coming...

One golf cart zips off down an alley while another rumbles away down Main Street. Suddenly, a VAST BUT SLEEK VAN plows forth knocking the latter golf cart out of frame like a toy.

Pouring out of every Casino, Hard Rock, amusement center, and putt-putt course on the block comes an overwhelming assortment of DELIRIOUS, "FUN"-WARDROBED TOURISTS AND CITIZENS. They encircle the crime scene as if it were an impromptu street carnival. They chant "Cult of Good, Cult of.." The crooks are too freaked to move.


The women's group is drawn into the excitement of the crowd below. A squeaky-voiced sweetheart named DIDI swings from the window to tug up her slumped-on-a-chair-friend Selina.

DIDI Selina, you're missing all the heroics...Hurry!

SELINA Do I have to?


The back door of the van sesames open. A tollbooth-size behemoth is the first to emerge with a sunglass halo wrapped over his eyes around his hairless head. Like his forthcoming partners, he wears red boots, a red cape, and a chestplate with a Cult of Good insignia. He is MAMMOTH.

A YOUNG BOY WEARING A T-SHIRT WITH MAMMOTH'S IMAGE ON IT, raises his fists into the air.


Next out of the van in the cape-boots-chestplate ensemble is SPOOKY. Lithe and limber and Asian, Spooky wears a red hood around the head with enough of the face exposed to give off a definite whiff of androgyny. The crowd makes an "OOO" noise. A TV REPORTER cuts in.

TV REPORTER As you all know, the crowd's not booing, they're just shouting the name of the next Cult of Good crimefighter, "Spooky."

Preening out of the van next, with perfect blonde hair and a silk eye mask barely impinging his beautiful face, is ADONIS. He has an adorably boyish jet pack on his back. The women in the crowd openly lose it, exploding into tearful, sweat-stroked Beatlemania wails.

ADONIS Sometimes I think they love me as much as I do...


The Women at the window follow suit.

(NO LONGER) SAD WOMAN Oh, Adonis, it's Adonis, my favorite..my Adonis..

PENELOPE So perfect, so beautiful..so, did I say perfect?

Selina wearys up an eye-roll at her drooling group-mates.


Next out of the van, like a rock star taking the stage, with a very prickly head of hair, strange goggles, and a ratty leather jacket-beneath-cape, is the raucously cocky CACTUS. Cactus has only one good arm--his other arm is a piece of machinery resembling a small cannon.

CACTUS You folks want to see a little morality tonight! Yeah! I can't hear you!

The crowd goes crazier. A pack of WORSHIPFUL, WOULD-BE PUNKS in imitation jackets and goggles high-five each other.

WOULD-BE PUNK Yes! Cactus is raw!

The crowd settles into complete silence. The army of Robbers are more paralyzed than ever by baffled fear.


Casino customers stop playing and drift to a big-screen T.V.


The women lean their foreheads to the window. Even Selina is intrigued.


TV REPORTER I don't need to introduce the last man out of the van, the leader of the Cult of Good, our own personal savior-- Captain God.

In semi-slow motion, in an overpowering, all-encompassing yet elegant and uncumbersome Helmet comes the charismatic CAPTAIN GOD. His voice goes through a crackling scrambler box in his helmet that makes his sound like the ultimate stiff straight white B-movie male authority figure of all time. Unholstering a very cool console, he remotes off the melodic chime.

CAPTAIN GOD There is the law and there is justice. There is the river and there is the dam. There is the Danish and there is the English Muffin. In between there is only I.

The moved-to-near-tears mob thunders up with sanctimonious cheers.


OLD WOMAN God is good!

The superhero Team ossify together into a perfect pose. Flashbulbs explode all over them as the tourists fire their cameras.

Breaking from the paralysis, one of the ticked-off robbers pulls out a gun.

GUN-TOTING ROBBER Is this a joke?

The robber fires his gun right at an unblinking Mammoth, who is merely holding up his hands. The TV REPORTER cuts before the image.

TV REPORTER Looks like this is one hooligan who forgot about Mammoth's "invisible" shield made from a new remarkably clear form of plexiglass, created in the lab of the Cult of Good's secret hideout.


converge on Spooky, who raises up a white fist-size box and politely addresses it.


Extending out of the box like pulled-out antennas is a formidable makeshift spear. With jaw-dropping dexterity, Spooky spins and swirls the weapon battering away the knives of the hapless attackers. Yawning, the superhero sternum-pokes the first attacker to the ground.

Then in one vicious helicopter gesture, Spooky cracks the back of one attacker's neck while crunching the jaw of another. Without even turning to face him, Spooky over-shoulder-flaps back the spear down atop the attacker's skull, pounding him to the ground.


fires a flame from the fingertip of a Power Glove he wears at a line of getaway golf carts. One by one, they explode into flames. The Eyepatched Leader uses the fireworks as an opportunity to flee through the awed crowd.


Selina cringes away from the explosion sounds, holding her ears. Her group buddies continue to cheerlead. Selina rushes off.


A FLAMING CROOK is pulled across the frame by a runaway golf cart. Cactus booms.

CACTUS What a "drag."

CAPTAIN GOD "Well done," Cactus.

The two superheroes burst into laughter at their matching quips. Captain God turns to the viewer.

CAPTAIN GOD In all seriousness, that one was for Little Billy. He's the real hero.


Family, friends, doctors, Media, and a priest gloriously pat Little Billy who is in a body cast (autographed by the Cult) beaming up to Captain God on a hospital screen.


Gun emptying, the Gun-toting bank robber's entire face contorts into smooshed agony seemingly all by itself. Mammoth is revealed to be slamming him with his clear shield. As the robber crumbles to the ground before him, the Young Boy bobs up from his toy.

THE YOUNG BOY Just like the Game boy!

Mammoth slams two oncoming DESPERADO'S heads together crunching open their motorcycle helmets. He then roars to wildly applauding crowd. They toss peanuts which he devours out of the air.

SPOOKY Oh, I wish they wouldn't feed him like that.

CAPTAIN GOD Now he'll be up all night...


As terrifying cheers and explosions reverberate all around her, a dizzy Selina lowers herself on to a stairwell, trying to keep it together. Regaining composure, she wobbles up.


Two SURRENDERING CRIMINALS stand one behind the other as Cactus approaches.

FRONT SURRENDERING CRIMINAL We give up! Please don't destroy us!

Cactus twists a harpoon onto his non-arm. The Back Surrendering Criminal reaches to a gun stuck in the back pant of the front guy. Cactus fires his harpoon.

CACTUS Did somebody say "two-for-one sale?"

The harpoon sails right at the single file criminals.


Instead of seeing the potentially yucky result, the viewer is given the deft sight of a toothpick-impaled-through-two-olives dropped into a martini, which is handed to the stern but smug MAYOR OF OASISBURG by the smug but smug Fun Palace owner FRANK.

FRANK Wow, Mr. Mayor, a show like this is good for business...

MAYOR Never has safety been so sexy and so exciting. I love my town.


Like the prettyboy posterboy that he is, Adonis has completely removed himself from the action to autograph magazines and other Bilia with his face on it. He is planting an uncomfortably deep kiss on a BARELY TEENAGE GIRL when he is tapped by Captain God's mighty finger.

CAPTAIN GOD Hey, Hot Stuff. You're still on the clock...

ADONIS Sorry, sir. The Cult is my life and my life is the Cult. By God, Captain God, I shall not fail you..

Adonis squeezes up the handle that blasts on his jet-pack. He Canaverals up, arcing mightily into the air. He twists past the towering buildings and the lit-up room of the women's group. He gives them a thumbs-up. They squeal in pleasure, Penelope almost fainting.

Back down in the Square, with a rebel yell, a pack of Robbers rush a very calm Captain God. CG presses his belt buckle causing an ABSOLUTELY BLINDING FLASH. The Robbers cower into incapacitated wobbles; Captain God strafes through them, effortlessly pummeling each to the ground.

Cactus joins Captain for the stomping fun. Tourists delightedly cam-corder the action (the viewer briefly gets the video POV). Cactus takes a camera from A FAMILY.

CACTUS Go on, get yourself a piece!

Cactus proceeds to film the Tourist family giddily booting and flailing the robber. Burrowing through the crowd, Selina can't help but gape at this horrifying sight. Cactus swings the camera toward her.

CACTUS Come on, babe, get in there, be a crimefighter for a day...

Selina backs away and rushes off...


Adonis looks down to see the getaway golf cart thrashing down a back alley. Adonis presses a button on his jet-pack. A silver ball drops out.


The steel ball thuds atop the golf cart immediately outbreaking a billowing pink gas. The robbers immediately keel out of the crashing cart. A HOMELESS PERSON also thuds into a heap. So does a poor cat. So do some falling birds. So do some flowers ex- growing on a windowsill.


Adonis laughs down to the cloud of harm.

ADONIS Breathing is a bitch.

He rockets past a billboard shining out "YOU'RE ON VACATION. JUSTICE IS NOT."


A DESPERATE HOODLUM makes a break for it. Cactus raises his cannon arm, putting in a small missile. He takes aim on the screeching away hoodlum. Captain God cuts in front.

CAPTAIN GOD Cactus--shooting a man in the back is not very noble.

CACTUS That is not a man, Captain God. That is Vomit accidentally born with two legs.

CAPTAIN GOD Well. I stand corrected.

Captain God takes a royal step back. Cactus fires his arm.


The running away hoodlum goes up in a purty puff of smoke in the background of a walking-forward, shuddering with her head down Selina Kyle.

Suddenly, the Eye-patched Leader scurries out before Selina. He does a deer-headlight pose before continuing his escape. Selina re-trembles forward.

The viewer notices a bulky, hunched-over figure on a rickety scooter puttering behind the faded heroine.


Cactus turns from the blazing-in-the-distance hoodlum.

CACTUS Dat's gotta hurt.

A patch of the crowd wearing "Dat's gotta hurt" T-shirts give cheering thumbs-up signs. Cactus high-fives them with his smoking cannon arm.

A squad of HAPPILY INEFFECTUAL POLICE roll up in sirened golf carts to pile up the aching criminals. One suddenly leaps from the heap, lighting up a cocktail molotov. He sprints toward a massive store selling every kind of Cult of Good merchandising. Adonis whooshes to a landing, pointing and squealing.

ADONIS Captain God, he's going for the Superhero Superstore!


Selina spins around. Behind her, a withered but strangely pleasant, HUNCHED-OVER MEXICAN WOMAN WITH SEVERE DARK EYEBROWS rests upon an idling scooter.

SELINA You again! I told you to stop following me! Who are--I have enough in my life that I don't need some...some Hag! Get out of..

Selina is silenced as a flash hits her eyes caused by the moonlight hitting something around the still-smiling Hag's neck. A key.


The Final Robber heaves back to throw his explosive at the store of Cult of Goodies.

CAPTAIN GOD Crime does not Pay. Et cetera.

Captain God raises up a remote and presses a button. Two laser beams eek from the eyes of two marble lions on each side of the store's doors. The beams zap-halt the Final Robber into an upright, quivering, standstill.

The crimefighters approach, all extending their index fingers seemingly in order to tap him to the ground. At the last sec, the five superheroes lower their fingers and punch out with their other arms, sending the poor guy flying. The men go back into their trademark heroic pose. The flashbulbs re-commence.


Shaking off the obnoxious cheers of the crowd, Selina clacks forward. The sound of the scooter again coughs up again. Selina wields around...

SELINA I said...!

Selina stops herself. The Hag on the scooter is gone. The only thing behind Selina is a beautiful, black stoic cat. It blinks. Selina blinks.


Again the viewer glides over the familiar carpet of snow toward the black cat wailing on her back. The Mexican Hag is revealed to be the owner of the POV, standing compassionately over the damaged feline.


Selina awakens in the proverbial feverish sweat, zapped by bright morning rays. She quivers into an upright position on a flowery bed. The entire room is in fact quite suffocating in its preserved girlishness. She drowses up to a dresser.

Atop the dresser is a sterling array of china and crystal figurines all depicting pirouetting ballerinas. They all seem to be staring at the ingrateful-for-the-attention Selina. With her finger, she topples one over.

She then gives a downhearted stare to a framed photograph of herself-as-a-girl-in-a-ballerina-dress, arm-in-arm with her beautiful mother. The door opens. Selina's still-beautiful-but- severe MOM makes a live appearance.

MOM You're late.

SELINA Yes, Mother. Dear.

Mom closes the door. Then opens it again. She firmly resets the toppled ballerina, then re-closes the door.


In pretty much deathly silence, Selina sits across from her mother (who reads a newspaper with a THE CULT OF GOOD SAVES ANOTHER DAY headline) at the kitchen table. Selina looks down to the world's smallest muffin on a plate before her.

SELINA A hearty breakfast is the start of a great morning...

MOM Oh, I forgot to tell you, you're on a diet...The fact you're still reasonably pretty is the one thing you got going for you.

SELINA (mock-acting as it paid a compliment) Oh Mommy, you're embarrassing me.

MOM Is every single thing out of your mouth since your "accident" have to be a monotone mumble of cheap sarcasm?


MOM It's funny, I've heard of giving up finding a man and raising a family to pursue a career. And I've heard of foregoing a career to start a family-- but I think you're onto something new, Selina. "Absolutely nothing"-- Has a ring to it. I think it could catch on...How's that for sarcasm?

SELINA Pretty good...Mom, I don't want you to think I don't appreciate...letting me stay, getting me the job--I've been a mess. I'm still a mess. It's just...we have to start having a different conversation. I can't take..

Mom turns on a TV set on the kitchen table. Selina is miffed at the interruption, but lets it go. On-screen, Captain God press conferences in his comically "powerful" voice.

CAPTAIN GOD (TV) Everyday I put on my helmet is a day I may die. We've all seen what has happened recently to superheroes in other cities. It is a dangerous job, but I am proud to wear body armour, so you don't have to...

MAYOR (TV) Thank you, God. Thank all of you, Cult of Good. You Men do us proud.

The Mayor rips down a sheet revealing a statue of the superheroes artistically tangled in a spiraling totem with the Helmeted Captain at its top. Jaw-droppingly Phallic, don't you know. Selina pulls the plug on the TV.

SELINA I'll take your abuse, but it's way too early for the sanctimonious Cult of Gag...

MOM Oh, so now even the keepers of the city don't meet your standards...You're late.

Mom exhales out of the room. Also drearily rising, Selina throws her uneaten muffin in the sink. She yanks up a venetian and recoils against the table. Through the glass, at the back of a golf-course green backyard is a GROTESQUE HUT. Even more disturbing, the Old Mexican Hag wobbles before the creepy domicile, stoking a fire.



Selina flutters around a corner ready to re-call out. She catches sight of her Mother doing an eerie, not unsexy, body undulation in the hallway mirror. Noticing Selina, she stiffens around.

MOM Don't sneak up on me...

SELINA Uh, it's just--that woman out there-- that horrible Hag. She's the one who keeps following me on her creepy little scooter--And now she's built a hut in the back..Why did you...

MOM Because she asked me--and I couldn't very well turn her down. Don't you remember-- of course you don't remember--that "Hag" is the one who brought you to that hospital in Gotham City. For what it's worth-- currently not much--we owe her your life...When I think about a single woman in Gotham City--amnesia is probably the best thing that could happen to a girl like you...Oh, don't forget your visor.

Selina reels back against the wall, processing the strange Info. Mom holds up a very goofy Oasisburg Visor.


Selina steps out of the shadow provided by the BE HAPPY billboard and into the sizzling sun. Visor atop head, Selina trudges down Main Street. Everyone else on the citywalk and in the puttering- past golf carts wear the exact same mega-dorky visor.

Selina scans to a single file lemming line of CHILDREN march into the superhero superstore. They come out the other end in Cult of Good T-shirts and bomber jackets, holding C of G lunch boxes, action figures and pennants.

Selina trembles forward. A hungry pack of TOURIST WOMEN pant against the glass of a jewelry store, lusting over a showcased necklace.

BAD MOTHER Oh, I'd give up my first-born to wear it for a day...

The woman, wearing a "Kiss my butt, I'm on vacation" shirt turns from the pack to swat her YOUNG DAUGHTER.

BAD MOTHER I told you to wait in the cart. I won't let you ruin my vacation.

Rubbing her cheek, the daughter makes volume-speaking eye contact with an unstopping Selina. Selina comes to the end of the road, arriving at the earlier-seen monument to all that is tacky and misguidedly ostentatious--Frank's Fun Palace.


The viewer's viewpoint stays on Selina's side as she marches through the sliding doors of the Palace. She moves beneath a thermometer on the outside busting over 120 degrees to one in the inside that hovers in the low twenties.

Selina immediately goes from drained swelter to stiffening shiver. The place has a typically perverse Vegas Casino ambience amped to the next level of over-the-top. Owner Frank swings before Selina in a parka.

FRANK You're late. I've got some good news and some good news. I'm giving you more hours and the new uniforms came in.

SELINA (holding up nasty uniform) What's the good news?


Selina lines up with a militarily erect group of other women all wearing the "new uniform" in its tight, hideous glory--short, wacky tutus with a hole appallingly cut out at the stomach; a retarded game show host's idea of sexy. The earlier-seen Didi leans back from the line to whisper to Selina (who holds her hand over her bare stomach).

DIDI You shouldn't have left the meeting so soon. Adonis gave us a thumbs-up fly-by...

Selina is prevented a response by a piercing whistle. A scary, bespectacled young woman in a masculine outfit and a droning voice commandants out. Her name tag reads ESMERALDA.

ESMERALDA You know the drill, boys. When the whistle blows, you scoot to the next station. Memorize the new map-- especially you Amnesia Girl.

Esmeralda flaps over a blackboard revealing an absurdly complicated map of Palace dots.

ESMERALDA Oh, Today's new rule: when serving cocktails, the porthole on your uniform should be turned to expose the base of your spine. Failure to do so will result in a fine. I don't make the rules; I just really enjoy telling you them.

SELINA (mumbling) This can't be my life. This can't be...Could we fast-forward to the part where I commit suicide?

Esmeralda narrows her eyes over to Selina. She pushes away her hand, revealing a bullethole scar on Selina's stomach.

ESMERALDA Oh, what a treat for our guests. Look everyone, wounds. Take care of it.

Esmeralda blows her whistle.


Selina, Didi, and an African-American woman named KELLY scrub the floor of a vast women's lounge.

KELLY I've learned one thing in my life. Never go to work in a place where other people come to have fun. Nothing like the pressure to have a good time to bring out the worst in people.

PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST WOMAN (emerging from a stall) Kelly, I'm having another carpet crisis in my room. Now.

KELLY Exhibit A.

Selina laughs. Kelly rises, only half-good-naturedly speaking toward Selina.

KELLY Ooh, the zombie laughs.

Esmeralda pokes her head in and blows her whistle.


In a bloody apron, a completely nauseated Selina sets down a gigantic plate of gnarled, scorched cow amid a ravenous table of Tourists, beneath an ALL YOU CAN MEAT sign. Esmeralda walks by blowing her whistle.


With literally frozen smiles, Selina and Kelly serve a trayful of bizarre looking drinks to separate tables of ladies in Furs. After getting their 25 cent tips, Selina and Kelly step away, rubbing their arms to stay warm.

Frank strolls by with a GROUP OF JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN. He gives Selina a pat on her exposed back.

FRANK You know, Kyle, you're still pretty hot for a pre-Bicentennial babe...

SELINA "Pre-bicentennial babe?"

FRANK Yeah, as in born before..Ooh, I suppose it's "sexual harassment" to give a woman a compliment. Sheesh. Come on, gentleman...

Frank leads the men to a mock-gold door marked the Gentleman's Club. Selina watches him shove in a gold card-key that causes the door to whir open...Before she can take a closer look, Esmeralda blows the whistle.


A cut is made to Selina standing as a human statue in a water fountain in the middle of the casino. She tries to look to her watch. A whistle sound is heard.


A trashcan wedges open one of the casino's sliding doors. It hiccoughs against the can as the women workers fall into exhausted, relaxed positions. Selina bites into an apple. The others look to her as if she burped.

SELINA What did I do?

WOMAN WORKER Oh no, it's nothing, it's just you know, the whole eating thing--I mean, considering the new uniforms..

KELLY I could design a great uniform. I don't mind wearing something degrading if it's interesting, but god, this thing...

DIDI (sighing) What would we do without this doorway-- where Africa meets the North Pole. The only place in this entire city that feels just right...

The Women simultaneously release their tension and lean back into well-earned, but vague bliss. Ruined by Esmeralda.

ESMERALDA Are you ladies enjoying your break?

She obnoxiously blows her whistle and tugs away the trashcan, the women bob behind the closing sliding door.


In a small, tiled salon area at the edge of the Palace carpet, Selina, Kelly, and Didi concurrently manicure, pedicure, and facial the Painfully Demanding Tourist.

PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST You girls listen to me. That's when Oasisburg was Oasisburg--before the foreigners...

Didi removes a hot towel from the Demanding Tourist's face. She looks off, suddenly mellowed.


DIDI It's an every woman's dream.

Selina swings her head. As Didi coos out his bio, the viewer takes in the slow motion sight of the magnetic, man's man of Madison County, BROCK LEVIATHAN, making a charisma-drenched entrance from one end of the casino. A black Doberman trots next to him.

DIDI His name is Brock Leviathan and he's a real architect. A true maverick in his field, Brock has designed some of the most unique yet functional structures on the planet, including this very Fun Palace. World Traveler, Sculptor, Loner--during a fishing trip last year in Baja, he caught the second biggest Marlin on record. Without a doubt, the most eligible bachelor in Oasisburg...

KELLY Not so fast, here comes my vote...

Selina swings her head the other way. More of a sly, nimble charmer than the muy macho B. Leviathan, LEWIS LANE makes an equally attractive slow-motion stride from the opposite end of the Fun Palace.

KELLY He's Lewis Lane, last of the serious journalists. The Oasisburg Times paid a bundle for him. Lewis won a Pulitzer for his first hand account of the Corto Maltese revolution. Excellent chef and a renowned Jazz musician with a cult following in Europe, no woman has captured his heart--but I think he used to date Bjork.

The strutting Brock and Lane bump into each other, ending the slow-motion. They give each other cool glances. Taking everyone's attention, Brock's Doberman suddenly skids onto the tile of the salon area. Selina tugs it out, while the dog delightedly licks the heck out of her.

BROCK He likes you. Kincaid and I have always had similar tastes...

SELINA In women?

BROCK (putting her on) No, in art. I try not bring up women around Kincaid. It's a sore spot between us. Long story..

SELINA I'll bet. Funny, for some reason, I don't think dogs are supposed to like me.

BROCK You say that like an amnesia victim.

SELINA Guilty. I am.

BROCK Ouch. I hope you're not offended by aggressively curious men.

SELINA I don't know. I can't remember.

Kincaid wags away. Brock gives off some simmering, smiling eye- contact before moving off after him. Selima turns back. Lewis Lane is facing her, also smiling.


gape at the sight of Selina turning from Brock to Lane.


Shameless Hussy.

KELLY A-men.



LANE A genuine woman of mystery in Oasisburg. Amnesia. Bulletholes in exposed stomach badly concealed with body make-up. Beautiful, intelligent eyes that have no business in "Frank's Fun Palace" or anybody else's Fun Palace for that matter..

SELINA Uh. "Thanks?"

A too-nearby Esmeralda glares at the flirting Selina. She blasts her whistle making Selina wince.

LANE Pity. Onto the next station.

A smiling Lane smooths off to the mock-gold Gentleman's Club door and cards himself in. Selina narrows her eyes for a forbidden peek.

Selina's POV sees a group of CIGAR SMOKING MEN mesmerized up to a back-to-the-viewer DANCER in a perceptibly feline outfit. The dancer is moving her body in an echo of the dance Selina's Mom did in the hallway mirror. Wait, could that actually be..The door whines shut.


Esmeralda is handing out checks. The Women Workers excitedly snap them, deflating by actually looking at them.

SELINA Oh. I think I'll run out and buy...gum.

KELLY Did you know we make thirty percent less than what a man makes on the job?

DIDI You mean, there are men who have this job?

KELLY Uh, I was speaking hypothetically.

ESMERALDA Quit griping--it's not like you have "skills" or better yet, "hidden potential."

Sighing but resigned to her new life, Selina neatly folds her check and departs out the backdoor exit.


Selina comes out into an alley, going into her sad, trudging mode. She turns to a familiar sputter behind her. The Old Heavy Eyebrowed Mexican Hag is trailing in her rickety scooter. Selina tentatively scuffles back toward the scooter causing the Hag to buzz away. Selina breaks into a run, pleading out.

SELINA Wait--please! Strange old hag person, come back! I need to ask you-- please!

The Mexican Hag twists to a stop. She smiles. With a happy exhale, Selina races forward--when suddenly Selina drops into a hole.


After a somersault down through the air, a shocked-at-her-own- physicality Selina lands on her feet--behind a stack of boxes marked CLASSIFIED GADGETRY. The tribal sounds of beating drums can be heard further freaking her out. Selina squeezes through the stacks of boxes toward the drums. She is in the Hideout of the Cult of Good.

The level below Selina and the boxes is decked out with the usual higher-tech fact-finding machinery found in any good superhero lair. More to the point, at the center of the hideout is a round table around which stand Captain God, Cactus, Spooky, and Adonis solemnly beating their own drum. They stop so Captain God can speak in his abnormally-normal voice.

CAPTAIN GOD We are the Cult of Good, secretly formed without knowledge of each other's identities, we live to make evil die, to serve mankind by--yeah, yeah, you know the rest..

The superheroes loosen up and kick back around the table.

CACTUS Boss-man, what were you going on about last night: "I am the Law and I am the Danish..."

CAPTAIN GOD I don't know what I was saying. I totally phoned it in last night. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately...

ADONIS The crowd bought it.

CAPTAIN GOD Crowd always buys it. What do we got?

SPOOKY The shopkeeper on 13th street won't drop the lawsuit--He still claims one of the lasers we fired at the Jenkins gang burned down his store..

CACTUS I hate innocent bystanders. Whine, whine, whine. Will he settle?

ADONIS God, can I have tomorrow off? My new cereal is coming out and they want me to sign boxes over at..


Selina huffs into a half-smile down to the strange conversation below.


Captain God bellows through his Darth Vaderesque voicebox.

CAPTAIN GOD Do I have to remind everyone that in two days, we'll all be dead. The Cult of Good will be a memory. I don't want to hear about lawsuits or cereals. We have a secret mission...

ADONIS (jiggling red hotline phone) I still have to call my agent--my techno-single just made the hot 100...what's with the phone?

CAPTAIN GOD You have to dial nine first.

Suddenly, an entering, roaring Mammoth hurls the seen-last-night Eyepatched Leader of the Robbers onto the table, chained.

MAMMOTH Mammoth bring bad guy...Mammoth not big and stupid.

SPOOKY Of course not, Mammoth. Sit, Mammoth.


hunches forward, eyes ever-widening in fascination.


coolly clambers atop the table to stand over the defiantly seething Eye-patched Leader.

EYEPATCHED LEADER I thought we had a deal! The way it always worked! We give you some, you give us some! The bank robbery last night was supposed to be guaranteed superhero-free! Captain God, you gave me your word! I don't get it, the Cult of Good was getting 40 percent of the cut!

CAPTAIN GOD I know, I know, I feel bad, Esse-- You see we're getting out of this Burg the day after tomorrow--And honestly we just don't care anymore...

The Cult of Good rumbles into laughter. Captain God kicks the Eye- patched Leader into a roll off the table.


is too petrified to move.

SELINA Oh, I really need to be overhearing this conversation...


Spooky and Cactus unchain the more-confused-than-ever thug.

EYEPATCHED LEADER Day after tomorrow? You're the keepers of the city--You can't just leave-- You run this town. I don't understand.

CAPTAIN GOD I know you don't understand. That's why we're laughing...

CACTUS Don't worry about us, hoodlum. We're giving ourselves a hell of a going away party--one that this cheesy city will never forget. We do it in every city we go to...

EYE-PATCHED LEADER "Every city you go to?" What..

ADONIS Cactus, I can't believe you just said all that...

CACTUS Oops--my face must match my cape. And to think we were going to let you go...

Spooky twirls up her leg to boot the Eye-patched Leader into a rolling chair. Cactus does a sock to the stomach that sends the chair and the crook flying across the Hideout floor until stopped by Mammoth's fist.

ADONIS I vote "Car Wash."

MAMMOTH Car wash...Car wash...Car wash.

CAPTAIN GOD Well, we spent enough time building the damn thing, might as well use it.

SPOOKY A bit sadistic, don't you think, Captain...?

CACTUS A bit sadistic? That's the point. What's gotten into you, Spooky? Our last week in a town, we follow one rule. No rules. Car wash, it is! Good luck, man.

With LA Cop sense of unearned superiority, the superheroes amble to the terrified Eye-Patched Leader. Captain God pulls a lever and a piece of floor slides open. Cactus and Mammoth drag the thug into the indiscernable-to-the-audience hole, then bound out.

Captain God presses a button marked CAR WASH. A gear-whining noise is heard along with some other unusual sound effects...and finally a loud scream.


recoils back in horror, knocking one of the boxes into a teetering-on-its-last-splinter position.


Hovering over the opening, the Cult of Good flinch back with disgusted but highly amused "Ooohing" noises.

CACTUS "Dat's gotta hurt!"

SPOOKY He didn't remember to roll up his window...

ADONIS Three seconds--I think we have a new record...

MAMMOTH He didn't even try!

The sound of a falling box from above silences everyone. Captain God enunciates in his very best California Highway Patrol voice.

CAPTAIN GOD That is either a very big rat. Or a very big problem. Either way, kill it.


Selina does a weary cringe to the fallen box behind her.

SELINA Hidden witness accidentally makes noise to call attention to herself-- How original.

Selina dives under a tarp on the floor. The superheroes scramble to the upper level, pushing away piles of merchandising and kicking up boxes. Cactus smokes toward the flimsy tarp.


Everyone erects themselves from searching positions. Cactus spins from the tarp. Selina pokes her eyes out. Ever grinning, the Mexican Hag plainly reveals herself to the astonished masters of the universe.

CACTUS Oh, Senorita, this may not be the biggest mistake of your life, but it is your last.


Cactus makes a cocksure step. With panther quickness, the old woman lowers herself and swings out with her legs, tripping up Cactus. With samurai skill, she crunches Mammoth's knees, deftly eludes a diving Adonis, and twists and elbow in Spooky's face.

Captain God statuesquely mounts the steps to watch his team being outflanked by the little lady. He raises up his Power Glove and fires his finger.


Hit by a very powerful bullet, the Mexican Hag slams back against the upper-level railing, crumpling in a heap. Selina shudders, biting down a horrified squeal.

CAPTAIN GOD Well, you don't see that everyday. Somebody tell me what's the deal with Frida Kahlo here?

SPOOKY Just a homeless woman. Wrong place.

CACTUS (laughing) Right time. That was kind of fun. She had spunk.

CAPTAIN GOD Why am I still troubled...

The melodic chiming noise fills the air. Everyone sighs.

CAPTAIN GOD Who's got the keys to the Van?

The superheroes charge down the stairs. A shattered Selina crawls from the tarp. Tearing up, she eases up to the Hag, whose face is bathed in a beatific light.

SELINA Oh no, no, you hideous, hideous..beautiful woman. I can't stand another mystery in my life, I really can't. You led me into the hole, didn't you? You wanted all this to happen..Why?

A noise. Selina shudders--to the sight of the black cat creeping from the rubble. Selina clings her up and sorrowfully pets her. The cat gently slips out of her grasp to curl next to the key around the Hag's neck. Selina stares.


Shining by the moon, the key seems to bob disembodied across the night, until Selina emerges from the darkness, wearing it around her neck. She is holding the cat in an almost zombie walk through her mother's backyard toward the Hut.


Selina flaps into the Hut of typical mystical Hag decor: Chipped crystals, smoking roots, scribbled curses, all illuminated by disturbing candles. Selina drifts by it all toward an ancient wondrous chest and its sparkling-by-candlelight keyhole.

Selina shoves the sweat-covered key over her neck and into the hole. Click. Selina lets go of the cat, who clumps into a comfortable witness position. Selina opens the chest. Inside is the Catwoman outfit. Its mask. Its whip. Selina falls to her knees.


Again, the viewer glides across the snow of Gotham City, joining the Old Mexican Hag as she tiptoes toward the wailing cat--only the cat is not a cat anymore. Selina in the Catwoman outfit is writhing on the white ground, bloodied and bruised.


Clenching the outfit out of the chest, Selina crashes to her side in the dirt with body-racking cackles that veer into cat screeches. Selina cuts off, her eyes dead-open.


On the moonlit white, Catwoman has calmed into a graceful slumber. Legs approach. They belong to Selina Kyle. Her own Prince Charming, Selina kneels and twists to give Catwoman a soulful kiss. Catwoman's eyes open. Wild winds begin to blow the Gotham snow.


Wild winds swirl around the hut in Oasisburg. Selina emerges in the historic Catwoman ensemble, pulling the mask on. The viewer's viewpoint swirls upward...


The sexy, lazy tempest knocks open the window of Selina's childhood bedroom, jostling everything out of its precious order. The army of ballerina figurines splatter everywhere. Mom flusters into the room to batten down. She looks out the window and gets a quick glimpse of a strange figure slitting into the night. Mom's reaction is hard to gauge.


The viewer does an awesome, city-wide Zeus POV plunge into glamorous Oasisburg. The lit-up billboard emblazoning "Be Happy" nastily collapses out of the pretty picture.


Heaving a sledgehammer to a rest upon her shoulders, Catwoman rises up before the Moon. Her eyes dart over to another building topped off with a billboard imploring "RELAX." She scowls.


FAMILIES and COUPLES pretending to be in love, all dressed in we're-having-fun clothing, promenade the Disney/CityWalkesque main street. Before they can break out in song, the RELAX billboard comes crashing down between them all sending everyone shrieking.

The Jewelry-Loving Bad Mother is trying to Instamatic the precious necklace. Her henpecked Daughter points to the rubble.

DAUGHTER Mom, did you see that?

BAD MOTHER I told you not to interrupt me...

Again, the Bad Mother spins to slap her daughter. A black leathered hand with sharp homemade fingernails intercepts the gesture.

CATWOMAN Mothers shouldn't hit their daughters...Alas, we are not related.

Catwoman angrily paw-pushes the Bad Mother's face, sending the woman down on her behind. Setting off an alarm, Catwoman punches the jewelry store glass and rips out the adored necklace. She flings it up into a massive electric bug-catcher that causes a sizzling explosion that anguishes the Mother and delights the Daughter.

Alarm blaring away, Catwoman prances forward. The Starbuckian Crowd squeamishly backs away, but is too mesmerized to run. A COCKY FRATERNITY GUY in an "Oasisburg U.--where Education Comes Third" T-shirt presses to the front of the crowd.

COCKY FRATERNITY GUY Hello--You people idiots? It's a woman, folks. I don't care what she's wearing, I'm...

Catwoman casually launches her arm, uncoiling her whip with a lightning snap. It seemingly perfectly stings into the Cocky Guy's mouth. He holds his face in blistering pain.

CATWOMAN Catwoman got your tongue?

COCKY FRATERNITY GUY (An incomprehensible mouth-damaged moan).

CATWOMAN That's okay. It was a rhetorical question.

The Fraternity Boy charges forward. Catwoman calmly rolls over his bearing-down back. She sweetly backkicks his face sending the young man ramming into the store alarm, crunching it into grateful silence. Catwoman happily sighs, fingering into her mock- ears. The dumbfounded tourists fumble up their camera equipment and explosively fire.

CATWOMAN Please, please, no flash photography.

A PLANET-HOLLYWOODY DOORMAN IN A GOLD BOMBER JACKET breaks toward a big red-button, labeled the CULT OF GOOD, set up on the corner like a mailbox.. He is right about to reach it when the whip wraps around his ankles. Catwoman tugs him into a thud. Then saunters to the button herself with a Cheshire smile.

CATWOMAN Come out and play..

Catwoman whams the red button. The melodic alarm fills the air...


The Cult of Good Van blitzes toward the viewer, a periscope popping from its top.

The superheroes are crammed together in the 70's shag-carpeted interior of the Van. Cactus mans the periscope.

ADONIS I thought we were going to take it easy until the Mission...

CACTUS This looks promising...

The Infra-Red Periscope view shows the crunched "RELAX" billboard.


The Van screeches into a half-doughnut stop. The superheroes casually pop out like clocking-in factory workers. Their calm is wounded by the sight of a line of tourists and citizens crouching in silence on the sidewalk.

SPOOKY Leave the Van running..This shouldn't take long...

ADONIS Hello, Oasisburg! (noticing fear of crowd) What's everybody's problem...

CAPTAIN GOD Apparently...That.

Enchantingly curled in the middle of the street, Catwoman is in adorable slumber mode. Not waking, she bats a fly from her face.

SPOOKY What's the catch?

CACTUS Ooh, I've read about this philly. She's the one who gave that wimp Batman all those migraines up in Gotham...

MAMMOTH (childlike) Kitty...

CAPTAIN GOD Back Mammoth. I want someone to harm her, not cuddle her...

CACTUS I don't know, Boss, you saw what the big guy did to the last kitty we gave him.

CAPTAIN GOD How could I forget. Mammoth--go pet the kitty.

Mammoth approaches the nestled Catwoman. And stomps down on her. Her stomach recoils back just enough to make a miss. Confused and enraged, Mammoth stomps again. Catwoman does a quick roll that ends with her resting against her elbow as if watching TV on the carpet. She awakens with a yawn.

Mammoth rushes for a kick. As if pulled by a Puppeteer, Catwoman uncoils into a standing rest against a lamppost. Mammoth rotates for another rhino charge. Instead, Catwoman bolts toward him.

She ballets up to a tiptoe rest upon his belt buckle. Then swings around with her other leg. Mammoth is thwacked into a stumble back. He lets off a Stoogesque whinny of frustration as Catwoman completely unwinds back into her original dozing position.

CACTUS Stand off, Curly. Learn from the master.

Affixing a whirring drill bit to his mechanical arm, Cactus strolls forward. In a surprising flash, he comes down hard with the drill. Catwoman's stomach flies back an absurdly far distance back. Cactus comes down again.

Catwoman does a full leg spread to make a miss. She then scissors her legs around the drill, snapping it off.

She somersaults up, weaving from Cactus's determined punches. Catwoman then savagely Rockettes up her leg. With immense self- satisfaction, Cactus snares it by the ankle.

CACTUS Nice leg, baby.

CATWOMAN Thanks. I have two.

Using her held leg as leverage, Catwoman completely spins the other half of her body into the air cracking Cactus's skull with her free leg. She lands on her feet. Cactus lands in a heap.

The earlier-glimpsed Young Boy in the crowd glumly lowers his beeping Toy.

THE YOUNG BOY This isn't like the Gameboy..

CATWOMAN Learn to read, you annoying little brat!

Catwoman strips the toy from the traumatized boy and flings it into a more-emotionally-than-physically hurt Mammoth's face. Catwoman laughs, not noticing Captain God making a stealth move to her side. She darts a look to him as he raises his literally trigger finger. A beat.

He fires at her head and her head snaps back. With a sultry grin, Catwoman reels in. And spits out the bullet. She confidently opens up her mouth again. Captain God pulls out a machine gun from around his back. Catwoman's face drops, her mouth comically remaining open. Drawbridging back up, Catwoman dives behind some trashcans as Captain God fires the machine gun.

With his jet-pack, Adonis swooshes down behind a rising-up-behind- a-lamppost Catwoman.

ADONIS I wish I didn't have to hurt you so soon. What's pain without love...

CATWOMAN Oh Boy Wonderful, I know you don't have superhuman powers in traditional crime-fighting, but I can tell by looking at you--that in other areas-- you're super-duper-M-A-N. Oh, I'm in heat..

Mock-smitten, Catwoman melts her body into his. An unbuckling noise. Adonis closes his eyes in pleasure. Catwoman's claw flicks on a switch on the power-pack. The machine whooshes dis-embodied into the air. Adonis opens his eyes to wail at his departing goody.

ADONIS Woman, those things are expensive!

CATWOMAN Shut up, Bitch.

Catwoman viciously knees Adonis in the groin, doubling him over. She turns to the comfortably approaching Spooky.

CATWOMAN I know that was a cliche, but as cliches go, a good one. Don't worry, I'm not forgetting you.

Catwoman launches a full-fledged kick into Spooky's privates. Spooky yawns.

CATWOMAN (using name as adjective) Spooky.

SPOOKY (to white box) Spear.

Spooky's spear extends out and the androgynous superhero gives it a sweeping swipe. Catwoman completely bends back onto her hands forming a human arch. Spooky stabs down the spear, Catwoman lunges up and uses the weapon as a pole vault to flip over Spooky's head.

Catwoman clings up a brick and girlishly bounds toward the superhero merchandising store. Adonis yelps.

ADONIS Captain God, she's going for the Superhero Superstore!

As he did before, Captain God presses up a remote. Laser beams shoot out from the sentinel lions, not at the oncoming intruder, but veering wildly off, past the Heroes' ducking heads. The beams buzz smack-dab into the phallic statue of the Cult of Good, erupting it in a Bobbit-tian blast.

The crowd loses it. Squealing their lungs out, they disperse in all directions. In deranged anger, the Do-Gooders turn from their leveled totem of worship back to Catwoman, who stands in a cutesy Boopesque pose, index finger against her chin.

CATWOMAN You see, I kind of re-configured the laser trajectories--Oh, I don't know all those big words like you guys do...See ya.

With a giggle, Catwoman tosses the brick over her head. It bangs through the passenger window of the Heroes' idling Van. The brick bounces off the front seat onto the gas pedal. The Van roars forward, right through the doors of the merchandising store in a brisk, everything-shattering crash.

The Heroes roar in agony. Catwoman twists next to a comparatively stoic Captain God, purring into his ear.

CATWOMAN You're not a super-hero. You're not even a hero. You're a scary, sick, fake who made a big mistake. You killed someone very special to me..

CAPTAIN GOD And...your point?

Captain God does a savage elbow into Catwoman's stomach. He swings around his hand, but Catwoman does a two-clawed catch. She unlatches his Power Glove, exposing his fleshy hand. She harshly, but not unattractively bites into it causing God to do a not unamusing scream through his voice-box. Catwoman cackles into a smooth cartwheel right into an open manhole.

Mammoth bounds after her, but gets stuck with an ugly roar.

ADONIS Oh Man, not the sewer, I just had this cape cleaned...

CAPTAIN GOD It's okay. Let her go.

CACTUS Let her go? Our store..our pride..she castrated our monument!

Captain God is very calmly rubbing his injured hand with his uninjured one, then sticking the bloody fingers into the mouth of his helmet to lick them.

SPOOKY You like them, don't you, Boss.

CAPTAIN GOD Oh, I like her. I like her a lot. I want to save this one for later. Something that tasty you don't eat all at once. Go back to your alter- egos, we'll regroup in the morning.

The superheroes drift off in different directions, tensions boiling high. Spooky notices the black cat warming itself by the fire of the merchandising store. Spooky can't help but smile.


Spooky leaps down a fire escape, then rustles behind the red cape to pull out a rabbitfoot keychain. Spooky enters an apartment and flicks on a light. Staying outside, the viewer backs away from the lit window to see Spooky taking off the superhero uniform.

The chest-plated top comes off, revealing a sheet tied around Spooky's torso--the international symbol of a woman strapping down her breasts to pose as a man. Spooky boils some water and pulls out some Kraft macaroni and cheese. As Spooky starts to take off the sheet, the viewer's viewpoint pulls out to Catwoman watching from a fire escape across the way.

CATWOMAN I had a feeling...Spooky is a lady.


The Catwoman outfit flutters back down into the chest. In pajamas, Selina looks meditatively into an old cracked mirror, stroking the black cat on her lap.

SELINA This can't be my life...this can't be.. (dazed laugh) I can't believe it--I'm Catwoman. Me. So weird...

The viewer's viewpoint pulls out from the poignantly unsure Selina through a makeshift "window" opening on the hut. It is revealed Captain God is watching her.

CAPTAIN GOD I had a feeling...Catwoman is that arousing woman from Frank's Fun Palace. Wow.


The Mayor of Oasisburg is grimly pacing before his staff and the uncomfortably seated superheroes. Mammoth is scarfing a breakfast buffet. In a STOP THE VIOLENCE T-shirt, Adonis is gently vined around a trembling-with-joy female Staffer.

ADONIS After you've been with a super-hero, you can never go back..

MAYOR (cutting into view) Have you heard of nowhere? Well, we're in the middle of it. Attracting people to come here is everything we're about. Tourism is 98 percent of Oasisburg's revenue..

Mammoth raises his hand.

MAYOR And don't ask me what's the other two..

Mammoth lowers his hand.

MAYOR All it takes is one unpleasant thing to send people fleeing up to Tahoe and down to Cuba. Last night, the Helipad was jammed with people clawing to get out of here. I don't want to take anything away from you men. The Cult of Good has been great. You've made crime-fighting a spectator sport and I can't thank you enough. (losing it) But will you please destroy Catwoman! I beg you, make her die in agony! A couple serial killers I can handle, but have a woman running around in a sexy but dangerous cat-suit--It gets under your skin and you can't get it out! Men question their manhood and women I-don't-know what...

CAPTAIN GOD Mayor. The animal will be put to sleep. Tonight.


Selina breezes into the kitchen and casually tosses the miniscule muffin laid out for her into her mouth. Her Mom looks up from a newspaper headline: CATWOMAN CLAWS OASISBURG.

MOM Where were you last night? I didn't hear you come in.

SELINA It's because I didn't come in. I live in the Hut, now. I meant to tell you..See ya.

Selina runs off, smiling to the newspaper headline. With surprising mountain lion swiftness, Mom rockets around and poaches Selina by the arm. Both Daughter and Mother are unnerved by the move.

MOM Just because you're starting to get your memory back--it doesn't mean you know everything. Be careful...

Mom lets go. Rubbing her arm, Selina backs out of the kitchen.


An obnoxiously stern-as-in-Howard D.J., OINK JACKSON, is growling in the flesh, next to a big Mike and a coffee mug reading WOMEN-- CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CAN SHOOT THEM. Delicately seated across from him in headphones is author/feminist Dr. Penelope Snuggle.

DJ PIG "Throwing Women Out of a Moving Vehicle When They Make You Angry"-- I'm Oink Jackson and that's been this morning's topic; thanks for your calls. I admit "Slowing down" is a valid point. That said, I have a very special guest in the studio-- one of the country's foremost post- feminists, Dr. Penelope Snuggle, author of--talk about timing--The Catwoman Complex. Penny, what is up with this chick? I gotta say, a bath with my tongue and she'd be domesticated like that.

PENELOPE (smiling deference) You're probably right, Oink. You know, I almost feel sorry for the nutcase. Catwoman is just the ultimate example of every--I'm making quotations with my fingers-- "powerful" woman: a raging psycho who can't admit she needs an H-U-G. (twinge of jealousy) Don't even get me started on her exploitatively tight male magnet uniform with the strategically placed flesh-patch rips..

DJ OINK Don't get me started either, I'll lose my license...

DJ Oink presses a button that causes a BOING noise. Penelope delightedly blushes.

PENELOPE Oh Oink, you're ba-ad..


A radio crackles...

DJ OINK (RADIO) What symptoms should a man looks for to make sure his woman isn't empowering up behind his back...

PENELOPE (RADIO) Well if you refer to the chart on page 31, you'll see...

A shoe kicks the radio into silence. The foot belongs to an out- of-conformist-visor-into-groovy-sunglasses Selina. Didi drives.

DIDI What did you do that for?

SELINA My sanity.

Selina grins out to a bunch visored Tourists hastening off clutching hastily packed suitcases, beneath an Oasisburg Times poster promo-in "Catwoman--Who?What?When?Where?How?" with a fuzzy photo.

Selina catches sight of the frazzling-forward-with-suitcase Bad Mother and her Daughter, who as she did before makes eye contact with Selina. She smiles and winks. Selina is a little freaked-- "How does she..."--but manages to smile, too.


Selina and Didi come in from the hot and take a violent slapstick hit back from the air conditioning. They stagger forward. Frank approaches, licking lips.

FRANK There you are, Selina. I've been thinking..I have some.."positions" opening up..


FRANK Oh, what? I offer you a job in implied exchange for physical favors and suddenly it's "sexual harassment..."

SELINA Can I be frank, Frank? Your entire existence is sexual harassment. I accept there's not much you can do about it.

The women workers of the Fun Palace drift toward the bubbling volcano.

FRANK Hey, you're anti-male.

SELINA Oh Frank, I'm not anti-male, I'm anti- you. Believe me, there's a difference. Kelly is designing new uniforms for next week. Pay her and thank her. And is it a rule that the hottest places on the planet have the coldest air conditioning. There's something out there called 73 degrees, look into it.

FRANK What if I were to say "You're Fired?"

SELINA What if I were to say "Your Wife"-- as in does she know of your touching mentor-student relationship with the post-Bicentennial babe working the roulette wheel?

FRANK (a beat) Kelly, get to work on those new uniforms. I'm not running a summer camp here..

Didi, Kelly, and the other workers look to Selina in impressed awe. Frank blusters off. Selina removes her shades. The Doberman Kincaid suddenly lunges into frame, insanely baring its teeth. Selina springs away as Brock Leviathan tugs back with a leash.

BROCK Strange--you seemed so close. I wonder what's happened since yesterday..

SELINA I wonder..

A DIGNIFIED BRITISH BUTLER, JEFF, intervenes, taking control of the hound.

BUTLER JEFF Oh, do let me handle this, sir..

BROCK Why thank you, Jeff.

A slightly flustered Selina and Brock walk off together through the vivid casino thoroughfare.

BROCK What's the matter...

SELINA Nothing, just a jolt of deja-vu. I think I went out with a guy with a dignified British butler--can't remember how it turned out..

BROCK I'll bet the butler's name wasn't "Jeff."

SELINA (laughing) You're probably right.

BROCK I was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight...Would you like to go to dinner? I know; a tame suggestion considering the wide variety of miniature golf possibilities available to the Oasisburg citizen--but nevertheless, would you?

Selina and the viewer scan to one of Brock's hands. It has a bandage on it.


In eerie-erotic slow motion, Selina/Catwoman flashback bites into Captain God's exposed hand.


Blown away, Selina snaps back to live-action, bumping into a GAMBLING WOMAN, knocking away her martini. With amazing (ly suspicious) rexlexes, Brock snares the glass in air with his bandaged hand and hands it to the impressed Gambler.

SELINA How heroic of you...

BROCK (to bandage) Kincaid got a little frisky last night...So, meet here at eight and go from there? By the way, I'm Brock Leviathan.

SELINA But of course you are. Dinner at Eight. Wouldn't miss it.

BROCK There's a nice cafe down the street...unless you're afraid of this Catwoman prowling around. We can always dine at the mansion, if..

SELINA I'm not afraid. Are you?

Brock charmingly shakes his head, then waves off to a dazed and confused Selina with his bandaged hand. He pulls out his gold card and goes off into the Gentleman's Club. Simmering at the goodbye scene, Esmeralda stomps up to Selina, opening her mouth to drone.

ESMERALDA I liked you better when you were a mumbling catatonic. You might be able to push around Frank, but..

Selina plucks off Esmeralda's whistle, puts it on the bar, bangs it to pieces with her shoe, then lei-s what's left over Esmeralda's neck.


Crashed out in the patch of perfect temperature of the forced open doorway, the working women take their lunch break. Only Selina actually eats.

WORKING WOMAN Do you have to chew so loudly?

KELLY Don't get angry at Selina for our food-free diet...

DIDI (staring off) She's got some nerve--that Catwoman..

WORKING WOMAN Oh, I know, if I have to see one more news report on that show-off..Anybody can do what she does-- it's just who wants to, am I right? Swiping jewelry, beating up fraternity guys..show-off.

SELINA I don't know. I find her rebellious spirit rather refreshing..

KELLY She-she-she just thinks she's so great, sashaying down the promenade, snapping her little whip...

DIDI (a beat) I always wanted to do that though. Walk down that plastic street and just bop anybody on the nose who gave me guff.

WOMAN WORKER Sure was fun to see the Almighty Cult of Good get a good ego blow. Those guys are starting to get on my nerves...

KELLY Yeah, they're like the popular kids in high school with different costumes. Face it, we're so jealous of Catwoman, it's disgusting..

Selina widely grins--until the shriek of Esmeralda's glistening new whistle.

ESMERALDA Move it...And Kyle, you're on tan patrol...

Everyone shudders.


Poolside, Selina shuffles down a Fredricoesque line of sunbaking Tourists splayed on lounge chairs. With industrial-size tanning lotion, Selina unpleasantly goes from person-to-person oiling them up. She finishes an INSUFFERABLE WOMAN ONE before moving on to INSUFFERABLE WOMAN TWO.

INSUFFERABLE ONE She's a disgusting, filthy beast-- and probably a feminist.

INSUFFERABLE TWO Where does Catwoman get the right to call herself half-a-woman?

Selina lifts up a chilled Diet Coke and pauses it over Insufferable Two's back contemplating a pressing action.

LANE Don't do it. She's not worth it.

The shadow of the amiable Lewis Lane shadows Selina. Wearying up a smile, she continues down the line of Ozoned epidermis as they speak.

SELINA I don't know what came over me.

LANE What is it with women and Catwoman? Men have the courtesy to punish the weak, but women love punishing the strong. Don't get me wrong--this Catwoman is a terrifying, subversive menace to everything this community stands for and she must be stopped. It's just, I like her a lot.

SELINA Yeah, she's okay.

LANE Most articles focus on the first half of her name--describing some feline monster. I want the woman of Catwoman. After all, if it was a man dressed as a cat, the story would be on page 23--just another loony. Oh, I want this one. I want her bad..


Kelly and other Women Workers watch the flirting duo while pouring Sangrias. The glasses overflow and overflow but the Female Tourists don't notice, because they're also staring with heat-seeking stares.


shakes out of his reverie.

LANE Sorry, I get carried away. Once I become interested in someone, I can't stop trying to figure them out...Amnesia victims are challenging..

SELINA I actually got some memory back last night.

LANE How much?

SELINA (don't want to talk about it) Enough.

LANE Oh now this one is mine...

Selina chuckles as they come to A SWEATY BEACHED OBESE MAN completely concealing his chaise. Selina hands Lane the cocoa butter and stops laughing. His hand has a sizable bandage on it.

The viewer is given a speeded-up version of the cat-bites-hand flashback. Selina jolts back to consciousness. Lane notices her notice his hand as he good-naturedly bastes the whale.

LANE Oh the hand--my grandfather is inventing a new kind of blender and..You know, I realize I've never officially introduced myself...I'm Lewis Lane.

SELINA But of course you are.

LANE I was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight...

SELINA I am. Dinner with Brock Leviathan...

LANE Ah! Ah!--God no, don't tell me you're one of those women who are attracted to ruggedly handsome and brilliant architects..

Selina chuckles until Frank steps up to her.

FRANK There you are, you ingrateful little..If you think I'm letting you get away with your little one-woman show...

LANE (rising up behind him) Now Frank, I know you're not hassling your most beloved employee. And to think I was going to do a piece on the mystery promotion you're holding tomorrow night..am I being subtle enough, Frank?

FRANK Oh, Mr. Lane, Kyle and I--we like to razz each other once in a while. You know how it is. All in good fun. Let me tell you about tomorrow's event..It's going to be amazing.

Frank and Lane walk off together. Lane turns to wave with his bandaged hand. Selina wobbles with even more anxiety. Esmeralda's whistle blows before she can rest her body on a chair.


The viewer's viewpoint moves down a bar snippeting from various conversations of the bundled up tourists.

BANK PREZ TALKING TO BIMBO ..catch her in a big, bear trap and leave her out there for the whole city to see and learn from..

PROPER WOMAN TO HUSBAND ..the mere thought of her is spoiling our whole trip..

FEMALE EXEC TO SAME Call me crazy, but if Catwoman walked into that boardroom, we'd get the damn day-care center...

Selina is revealed to be at the end of the bar. She picks up a plate of drinks, then puts them down, tingling in contemplation. Didi sets down some empties.

DIDI Selina, are you okay?

SELINA (quiet momentum) It's just..They tell you, really early on, that women are just women. But then you hear things. Mother lifts up a car to save her child. One woman who won't shut up exposes the corruption of an entire government. You think, wow, those extraordinary other women. But what happens when you find out the extraordinary isn't extraordinary. The extraordinary is actually ordinary-- what happens when you find out it's you. All along it was you..

DIDI (lost in space) I can't believe you're going out with Brock Leviathan--Hey, who let that cat in here?

The oh-so-familiar black cat is in the middle of an exquisitely royal stroll across the casino carpet. A grotesque FEMALE CAT HATER sours her face down at the passing pussy and gives it a kick into the air.

FEMALE CAT HATER Oh, how awful--a cat.

Unfazed, the black cat lands on its feet by a staircase. It scampers up.


Clambering up to a Fun Palace hotel floor, the Black Cat goes by an open door. The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman seethes over Kelly, who is on her knees on a white carpet.

PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST Oh, the incompetence of you people-- you're not looking close enough. Closer! It's a spot and it's unacceptable! When I come to Oasisburg, I demand..

The cat continues past a closed door that Frank stands outside of talking to a Male Staffer.

FRANK Animal's been in there for a month. Tomorrow, I'll just call the police...

The viewer's viewpoint goes through the door.


A GARGANTUAN, VERY DEPRESSED WOMAN is crashed on a bed covered by a forest of discarded food wrappers. She zombies to two TVs simultaneously. She changes channels until both show footage of Catwoman.


Sauntering through the Palace's sliding backdoors, the Black Cat moves down the alley, past the familiar hole. The viewer bobs down inside...


The superheroes take their positions around the circular table. They begin beating their drums--until Cactus angrily tosses his away.

CACTUS God-damn..

CAPTAIN GOD What did you say?

CACTUS Sorry man, I didn't mean that personally...

CAPTAIN GOD I know how you feel, humiliated in the hands of a woman. I'd rather eat my soul on a paper plate...

ADONIS Yeah-sure, whatever you say, Captain--- but I say we leave this Catwoman a- lone. As far as I'm concerned, she can have Oasisburg as a litter box. We're out of here tomorrow night anyway...Who needs the aggravation?

MAMMOTH (own world) Yesterday, I found a rock.

SPOOKY Not now, Mammoth. Adonis is right. We've had a good run here--the protection kickbacks from the crime syndicates, the merchandising scams-- Tomorrow night we have a big, violent, complicated and lucrative mission to pull off. We chould be resting up.

CACTUS Resting Up? Sorry Spooky, I've got to go with God on this one. I hate to think we're just in this for the money. Garfield's girlfriend crossed a line last night and she's got to get spayed. We're going out of Oasisburg on a win.

CAPTAIN GOD O loyal and lethal Warriors of true fierce force and MIGHT. Let us taste blood of feline and female on this sweet NIGHT.

The heroes pick up their drums and begin beating them. The viewer's viewpoint rises...


The cat is caught up to, skittering down Main Street beneath a disgraceful poster of a too-well-endowed Nurse in an advertisement for Breast Implants ("Buy Two get One free"). The cat then dips beneath a golf cart outside a garage.

TWO MECHANICS are pretending to look under the hood of the cart, bursting with suppressed laughter. They are obviously bamboozling a painfully suspicious FEMALE DRIVER.

MECHANIC Oh, oh, this is bad. It looks like you're going to need a new, a new... "Goalpost" switch. Yeah, a "Goalpost" switch.

FEMALE DRIVER A what? How much is...

The cat keeps trotting. A SWEET GEN-X WOMAN bursts from a restaurant in tears. Her GRUNGIE NOW-EX-BOYFRIEND follows out to "comfort."

GRUNGIE EX-BOYFRIEND Trust me, babe. It's for the best. I know you better than you do and you deserve someone better than me..

SWEET WOMAN But just yesterday, you even talked about getting married...


A YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND parks his pretentious luxury golf-cart and gives it an alarm squeak. The mere sight of him causes the Sweet Gen-X woman to whimper off into the street where she is almost hit by a newspaper truck promoting Catwoman.

YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND Just dumped her? She takes it hard, doesn't she?

GRUNGIE EX-BOYFRIEND Sure does. Wow, what a coincidence-- Two guys of different social backgrounds having gone out with the same chick.

YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND Hey, how many times did you "date" her, before you cut her loose?


YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND Eight! Me, too! Let me buy you a beer...

The cat hops up onto a steel girder that gets pulled up into the air by a construction crane. The girder and the airborne kitty pass a window in which a VERY NERVOUS WOMAN is watching television.


She is watching Catwoman coverage. Her phone rings. With a gulp, she picks up.

STALKER'S VOICE It's me. What are you thinking about? Your breathing sounds so nice...


The STALKER himself is revealed to be watching through a telescope from across the way. Photographs of the Nervous Woman are pinned all over his wall.

STALKER Is it just me or does the restraining order make everything so much more exciting...


The girder comes to a landing before a school. The cat hops off...


The black cat moseys across a classroom window sill. Inside, THREE BRIGHT FEMALE STUDENTS have their hands raised. The MALE TEACHER gives them a dismissive glance.

MALE TEACHER Anybody else? For pete's sake, what is it with you girls and chemistry? Must remind you of cooking up recipes-- That's it, isn't it?

The Three Bright Female Students lower their hands, sadly annoyed.


The cat sprints away from the school and into the back of a pick- up golf cart where a vaguely WORKING CLASS COUPLE pulld away from a stop-light. The Working-Class Husband is hauling a nice-but-not- too-nice dress from a shopping bag.

WORKING CLASS HUSBAND This is a joke, right?

WORKING CLASS WIFE Now honey, it was on sale and I used my savings...

WORKING CLASS HUSBAND Yeah, your savings out of my earnings! What's wrong with the sweatpants I bought you? For a big woman you got a small brain, Fetch!

The Working Class husband flings the dress into the middle of the road. The WC Wife (in sweatpants) bounds from the cart to retrieve it. He revs away, leaving her stranded.

The black cat ambles up behind her, tugging the dress with its mouth. The Wife ruefully smiles, takes the dress, and pets the cat. The cat turns and sashays off the road....toward the very familiar Hut.


Using a grinding stone, Selina is buzzing her pristine ballerina figurines, one by one, into very strange and sharp knick-knacks of unknown purpose. She has a long sheet bibbed around her neck. The entering black cat nestles herself by her lotus-positioned caretaker.

SELINA See anything interesting out there...If they only knew...


Different closets open in the same vivid motion. Sewing machines wildly rumble across a bizarre array of fabric. Various cats cower at the frenetic off-screen behavior of their owners. Kitchen drawers are ripped open to reveal shiny, would-be weaponry. The tops of clothes hangers are contorted to make claw- glove fingernails. An army of eyes open in intense mascara.

SELINA (V.O.) If they only knew it takes as much energy not do something as it does to do somethin--so if it takes the same amount of energy, why not do something..why not, even if it's just for a night, why not get a little wicked...All that energy used to put up walls could be used to bring a couple down.


The working hands blend to Selina's banging in an outrageously cool motor into the Mexican Hag's once rickety scooter. It has been remodulated into a slick, black beauty of raw power. Selina gives it a buff with her bib, smiling down to her approving cat.

SELINA Nice, huh? I've strived to be someone who doesn't talk to their cat, but you're the only who understands. So. I've met a fascinating, charming successful man. And I've met a man who pretends to be all these things, but who, deep down, is really one of the great sadistic psychopaths of our time. If I only knew which one was which. I hate dating.

Selina takes off the sheet bib. She is dressed to the tens.


A claw draws shut a curtain over the sight of the departing-for- date Selina.


Selina and Brock share a breezy chuckle at a perfect outdoor cafe.

SELINA You designed Gotham Plaza? The big silver guys pulling on those big silver things...

BROCK What did you think?

SELINA Oh, it's superb--I mean if you like that fascist nightmare kind of thing...

BROCK Hey, hey, the client comes first. You think I want my future children to know their Daddy created Frank's Fun Palace?

SELINA I checked out your stuff at the library. Awesome work, really. Why would someone like you want to go out with a...with a..what exactly am I, again?

BROCK You're very special. Selina, I'm not a very good liar. I feel very strongly about you...forgive me use of architecture metaphors, but I instantly know a good foundation when I see one..

The winds suddenly kick up in sexy, scary Santa-Ana-style. Brock snaps a billowing away napkin with his bandaged hand.

BROCK I despise these kind of winds. Sorry, I guess I'm a little on edge. Seems this Catwoman has everyone, men and women, on edge. Don't you feel Catwoman says something about the duality of all men and women...

SELINA (big speech) Stop. We are not having a "duality" conversation. "Ooh, he has a secret side. Ooh, she has a dark side." Please. Duality is a joke. You get one, do you understand me? You get one life. One shot. I'm so tired of women saying "I have an inner strength" or "Deep down, I'm really ambitious." "One day I'll design my own line of clothing and write children's stories, if I can only remember to return the videos I rented last night." If you are something, then you better be out there doing something. You need to be the same bold thing in the day that you are at night--with maybe a slight clothing change. There is no gray area. The truth is not somewhere in between. There are two sides to every personality, all right--the reality...and the lie. We are not having a "duality" conversation.

BROCK (a beat) So, did you see "Seinfeld" last week? That Kramer-guy really makes me laugh.

Selina and Brock break into a tension breaking chuckle.

SELINA I'm sorry I went off like that, I get passionate. I--I guess I'm a passionate person. One of those things I had forgotten. (pointedly) When you were a little boy did you want to grow up to be a superhero?

BROCK What little boy doesn't... (staring off) My God...it's, it's...Catwoman.

SELINA (not looking up from eating) No it's not.

A crashing noise is heard. Selina turns. A DEATH ROCK CHIC CATWOMAN WHO IS NOT CATWOMAN (the earlier seen Female Driver) is driving her golf-cart back and forth through the shattering glass doors of the rip-off garage. Selina floats up in a daze.

As she steps out into the street along with a concerned Brock, more Catwomen seep out. Of every shape, size, and color--High fashion, low fashion, no fashion. Some even have tails.

A literally PERSIAN CATWOMAN (with a veil), some ROLLER DERBY CATWOMEN, and a CATWOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR descend upon the Breast Implant poster and scratch it to shreds with their homemade claws.

A LONG, LONG BRAID OF BLACK-MANED CATWOMAN is using her hair as a whip, swinging and stinging a circle of GANG MEMBERS. Curling backwards from a black background, TWIN OVERWEIGHT CATWOMEN de- camouflage to tear and shred the visors of a tourist family. Selina then hears and sees a COPYCATWOMAN cracking a whip. She loses it.

SELINA A whip? Now that's going too far! Some of these women have no shame!

BROCK What's the matter? What are you saying?

SELINA Well, it's just that I would think that the woman who is the real, non- imitation Catwoman would be pretty angry at some little amateur minx stealing the whole whip idea. Really angry.

Selina cuts off as she notices, poking out of an alley across the street, a seriously observing LEWIS LANE IN A TRENCHCOAT. Brock reaches over and slams down the red button of the CULT OF GOOD Call-box. The melodic alarm suddenly comes on.

BROCK This is insane. Let the heroes handle it. I'd better get you home...I should check on my warehouse to make sure it hasn't been hit...

SELINA (suspicious) Your warehouse? Go on ahead--to your "warehouse." I'll be okay...

BROCK Are you sure?

SELINA I'm sure.

Brock charges off. Selina narrows her eyes. She turns to see Lewis Lane spinning into the darkness of the alley to dash off. Selina narrows her eyes.

SELINA Which one of you is going to go get your helmet?

Selina bounds away, passing the Working Class Wife who has made a Catwoman outfit out of her discarded dress. She faces a SIMILAR CATWOMAN.

WORKING CLASS WIFE ONE Don't tell me, you bought a simple, inexpensive dress and your husband flipped out...

WORKING CLASS WIFE TWO You too; I'll beat up your husband if you beat up mine...

The women shake hands.


In a split screen, the two working class husbands open their respective doors. A high-heeled leg greets them with a Rockette slam that sends both men on each side of the screen collapsing violently back into a Lazy=boy.

BOTH WORKING CLASS WOMEN Your wife works hard. She deserves something nice once in a while! This didn't have to happen!


A smarmy Beauty Contest Host leans to an insufferably cute Contestant.

BEAUTY CONTEST HOST While our remaining Contestant waits in the Soundproof booth, let me ask you Tiffany, "If you could re-paint the world, what color would you choose?"

CONTESTANT ONE (doing sign language) I would sell the paint and use it to buy bread for the children of..

With screams from the off-screen audience, an ELDERLY CATWOMAN, A PREGNANT CATWOMAN, AN ALL-RED REDHEAD CATWOMAN and of all people, ESMERALDA IN A DR. SEUSS CAT-IN-A-HAT CATWOMAN ensemble rip down a MISS OASISBURG banner then proceed to pummel and hair-tear all the contestants and the yucky host.

CONTESTANT TWO nervously vibrates in the sound-proof booth, crossing her fingers, her back obliviously turned to the pandemonium outside. Contestant One gets slammed against the glass causing Two to turn around. Wearing a stolen tiara, Esmeralda-Catwoman snarls against the glass. Contestant Two instantly faints.


The WORLD'S DULLEST AMERICAN GOTHIC COUPLE are expressionlessly watching the Beauty Contest Catwoman riot, behind TV trays. The Dull Wife slowly stands and exits the frame.


The Gargantuan Depressed Woman heroically remotes off her TVs. With all her might, she maneuvers a leg out of the bed with an apocalyptic Thud.


Catwoman races from the Hut, fully dressed. She triumphantly vaults upon her groovy motorcycle and vrooms it to life...or not. The motorcycle coughs to a wheezing halt. Crushed, Catwoman slumps off, then twists around in a furious-beyond-belief feline whine.


THE CHIEF OF POLICE is being dragged into the worst night of his life. He shouts into a big Dispatch microphone.

POLICE CHIEF I need all units to the Town Square, the conniving Catwoman has been seen terrorizing tourists by... (getting memo) Correction!: Catwoman has proceeded to the docks...I need all units to once and for all.. (getting memo) Correction! I think we got her now, boys-- I have a new sighting of the ferocious feline at...wait a minute...

Extending his transmitter as far as he can, the Chief stretches out to a window. Outside, Catwomen run wild in the streets.

POLICE DISPATCHER Uh--Correction...God help us all. Captain God.


The Van rumbles out from an alley. The superhero crew are angry and determined.

CAPTAIN GOD Have we reached the epi-center?

ADONIS Ayy! Some cat's blocking the periscope. Somebody, give it a swat...


shows a cute close-up of the content Black Cat.


Cactus bangs out of the van and hops up to shout at the cat.

CACTUS Beat it cat, or I'm going to...

Cactus makes a deadpan turn from reaching for the feline atop the Van. His jaw drops as do the jaws of his exiting teammates. Craning up from the Van, the viewer sees what they see. More then ever, the street has been completely taken over by marauding Catwomen of every kind, destroying storefronts with a delighted lack of purpose.

A squealing trio of Helmeted Police officers run away--right into the wall that is the Gargantuan Depressed Woman, wearing a storeroom of black leather. The Cops collapse on impact. The Cult of Good calmly surveys the scene.

MAMMOTH Mammoth feel queasy.

ADONIS I had no idea it was this bad. The entire city has cat scratch fever. Such disregard for our codes of justice...

CAPTAIN GOD Have you ever given a cat a bath? It's not very pleasant. (with a dark laugh) For them.


In his strategically dark apartment, the Stalker licks his lips and dials the phone.

THE STALKER Hi, it's me. What are you wearing?

A feline-screech on the other line makes him wince. He looks through his telescope. The Nervous Woman, now a Very Unnervous Catwoman, is waving from across the street, baying into a cordless phone.

THREE SETS OF GLOWING EYES move closer behind the hyperventilating Stalker before emerging as attacking Catwomen. The Stalker screams. A NUN CATWOMAN in bright red lipstick takes the telescope off its perch...


An ABUSIVE HUSBAND is pushing the head down of a hunched over, seen-in-the-first-scene Sad Woman.

ABUSIVE HUSBAND Pick it up! I said pick it up! Pick! It!

Esmeralda-Catwoman in her new beauty contest tiara is hooking a huge hook onto the back of the Abusive Husband's belt. She raises a walkie-talkie.



A line of Catwomen tug a street-crossing Rope with all their might.


The Abusive Husband is ripped up in air, through a shattering window, and into dark oblivion.

SAD WOMAN Please--I don't want you to hurt him.



A jello of frayed, defeated nerves, the Police Chief groans.

POLICE CHIEF Wait a second, where did they find the telescope? Ouch! (another line) Sighting of how many? No, no, not the Fun Palace!


The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman lays twitching and totally traumatized in a pool of raw sewage that has been discharged all over the formerly-pristine white carpet. Culprits Didi, in Tabby Tweed gear, and African-American Kelly, in all-white leather, prance from the room down the staircase.


Catwomen have spectacularly taken over the casino, completely trashing the place, delightedly laying siege on the fur-coated women and the terrified Tourist men.

All the men of the casino break into a dead heat toward the Gentleman's Club, frantically searching for and ripping out their gold card-keys. Most of them manage to scramble inside-- except notably Frank, who drops his card. Didi-tabby, Kelly-Kat, and others, descend on him just outside the door. Didi ominously pulls out the scissors.


Frank's moans can be heard along with scratching noises against the door. An extremely UNRELAXED LEGION OF MEN press quivering flesh, crammed together in the moody, tacky Gentleman's Club. The Mayor, in his pajamas, trembles amid them all.

THE MAYOR Oasis...Oasis...It's supposed to be an Oasis--not a place where women dress up like pets and suddenly have an absurd proficiency in the martial arts.


Pumping from the Van, holding a massive hose, Mammoth fires an elongated ocean into the Catwomen. Like all cats, the ferocious pounding of water drives them into shrieking insanity.

CAPTAIN GOD Works for me.

ADONIS I don't know about you, guys, but I'm getting a little buzz off this.

CACTUS Yeah, this is better than rape.

SPOOKY (wincing) Cactus, sometimes you don't deserve to wear our logo.

CACTUS Touchy. Look everybody, it's Casper, the friendly crimefighter...


The Female Cat Hater sees our favorite black cat prancing across the carpet. She cringes her eyes shut and rears back for a kick.

FEMALE CAT HATER Oh, how I hate...

She kicks forward and opens her eyes. The Catwoman is lying in the cat's place, effortlessly pawing the Cat Hater's foot.

FEMALE CAT HATER You wouldn't hit a woman?

Catwoman flips the Cat Hater over the bar with a crash. Catwoman then springs up into a standing position. A TEAM OF SECURITY MEN IN BLAZERS race forward reaching for their guns. Catwoman fiercely flings her shaved and sharpened ballerina figurines. They pierce into the guards' hands causing them to dump their weapons and fall to their knees.

Catwoman glowers ahead to the sight and sound of the Copycatwoman cracking her whip in the distance. Catwoman bounds forward into the air--she uses the shoulders of the wailing, kneeling Security Men as stepping stones.

The Copycatwoman swings back her whip, about to crack it. Selina's whip wraps around hers and she gets yanked back, her spine slamming into the real Catwoman's chest.




2005-2022. ! homeenglish@mail.ru