>>, , / Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels

, , / Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels ( 2)

: , , / Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

, , / Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels


It's a bit of a priority. Four young fellas who got in deeper than they could handle; they owe me half a million pounds.

68 ~ 69


How much?


Tom, BACON and Soap are sitting in front of Ed who looks as though he is about to launch in to a speech.

TOM What's the flapping about? You told the old man yet? EDDY

I hope I won't need to. I got a plan. So listen carefully.


Look, he set us up. That means he put money into us, which means he expects money out of us. You don't need to be an economist to work that out.

J He might think we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't have any idea about the hard currency we've accumulated. We can just slice it off the top.

WINSTON You guys, you've got to realise who this chap is. He's a fucking lunatic. If he gets the slightest inkling that we are not throwing straight dice, you - and fuck it, me - are going to know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.

*CHARLES Come on, we are in this for the cash however it comes.

The phone rings. Winston picks it up.

* Cut from completed film.



DAISY (she is upset) Winston?


DAISY It's Daisy.

WINSTON I know who it is. What's the problem?


The situation has been explained. There are thoughtful frowns on all foreheads. There is a pause.

SOAP Well, what do you want us to do about it?

EDDY Hit the fuckers.

Pause while this is digested.

I know it sounds a bit heavy, but it's not like you are doing anything illegal.

BACON I don't know how you've reached that conclusion.

EDDY They can't report they have had all their drugs and money nicked, can they?


TOM How heavy are the fellas anyway?


They don't look all that.


Hitler didn't look all that.

EDDY All right, but for Christ's sake we're in the soup and this is the silver spoon. If you can think of another way to get out, let me know. It's not like we've got all the time in the world either . . . Dig?

Silence falls over them.]


I am game.


Me too.


Oh, god!

EDDY Well, we hit them as soon as they come back. We'll be waiting and prepared for them.

Pause as Ed's voice drops a little. And they are armed.

SOAP What was that, armed? What do you mean, armed? Armed with what?

EDDY Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!

SOAP Guns! You never said anything about guns. A minute ago this was the safest job in the world, now it's turning in to a bad day in Bosnia . . .

EDDY Jesus, Soap, stop being such a mincer. I thought about that and...


And what exactly?

EDDY And we will just have to find out who's going to be carrying them.

SOAP Carrying them. They could all be carrying them for what we know.

EDDY No, just one of them is in charge of them going to the job. So I assume he will still

be carrying when he comes back from the job.

SOAP Oh, you assume, do ya? What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

TOM It's the mother of fuck-ups, stupid!

SOAP Well, excuse me, brother, mother or any other sucker, doesn't make any difference, they are still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking bullets!

72 ~ 73


Soap, if you got a better idea to get five hundred grand in the next few days you let us know . . . In the meantime, Tom, speak to Nick the Bubble about moving the weed.


Tom and Nick are stuck away in a corner playing on a fruit machine.



TOM Not normal weed. This is some fucked-up skunk class A. I can't think let alone move shit.

NICK Doesn't sound very good to me.

TOM Neither me, but it depends on what flicks your switch, and the light's on and burning bright for the masses.


You'll need samples, Tom.


No can do.


Where's that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me half way, mate.

TOM Listen, it's all completely chicken soup.


It's what?



Kosher as Christmas

NICK (rolls his eyes) Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

TOM Never mind that now. I also need some artillery, you know, a couple of sawn-off shotguns.

NICK Bloody hell, Tom! This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon' Who do you think I am?

TOM I think you're Nick the Greek.


There's a cacophony of seventies funk and football filling the room. We meet Rory Breaker. Rory is a very well-dressed cool-looking black dude. He is in his own way sophisticated, considering what he does for a living. His help, however, are less well-informed. Rory has Nick the Greek in front of him.

RORY Nick, I don't have anything to do with weed, normally, but if it is what he says it is, I'll give him three and a half thousand a key, that's if it is what he says it is. I don't want to see it after a sample, I don't want to touch it after a sample. I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here. He will work out the details, but let me get this straight. If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy who will drink it. Know what I mean?

74 ~ 75


The Scousers are handing over all the shotguns from their previous job to Barry and assistant. Dean has got a complicated hair arrangement to disguise his accident with the butler. Barry raises his eyebrows at this new look.

BARRY Is your hair supposed to look like that, then?

Gary ignores this question.

DEAN Next time we do a job like this we gonna want more money, or we are going back to post offices and cars.

BARRY Where're the others?

Barry is looking with same concern for the hammer-lock Purdeys.

DEAN There are no others.

BARRY Now, stop fucking around. The others, the old ones?

DEAN I don't know what you mean.

BARRY (dead serious) There were two old guns there; where are they?

DEAN Not in the cabinet there wasn't. There was a couple of old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying; they were ours, and we sold 'em!


BARRY Well you just better un-sell 'em, sharpish.

DEAN They were . . .

BARRY (interrupts) I am not fucking interested.

Shouting. If you don't want to end up counting the fingers that you haven't got, or sharing a bed with the anti-Christ, I suggest you get those guns, quick.


We are facing Nick's large behind, builder's cleavage poking out of the top of his trousers. Nick is unwrapping two long implements from a sheet: the hammer-lock Purdeys.

TOM Jesus, if I pick them up, will they stay in one piece? Where did you get them from?

NICK I got contacts. Listen Tom, if you pointed them at me I'd shit myself or do whatever you said to do. Either way you still get the desired effect.

TOM They look nice, I agree . . . but lacking in criminal credibility, aren't they? I might get laughed at. How much do you want for these muskets?

NICK Seven hundred each.


TOM What's that, a pound for every year they have been around? I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices. Pause.

And they're a bit long, aren't they?

NICK Sawn-offs are out, Tom; people like to have a bit mare range nowadays.

TOM Range? I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted, but I don't want anybody blowing a raspberry at me either. I want to look fucking mean.

NICK Of course you will look mean, Tom, you will look really scary.

TOM All right, let's forget about them for the time being. What about your weed man?

NICK Rory Breaker is standing by. You stand to make a lot of money, Tommy boy.


We are looking directly at JD's shell-shocked face. He gently lays down an empty glass on the bar.

HATCHET I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock, but I'll tell you how this can be resolved by the good father.

* Big Chris in completed film.

Pause. The camera spins round to reveal Hatchet and Barry the Baptist.

JD Go on.

HATCHET I like your bar.

JD Yes?

HATCHET I want your bar.

JD And?

HATCHET Do you want me to draw a picture?

JD Harry, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his ear-hole, or you from a hoodwink. This bar is mine, and he has nothing to do with it.

HATCHET What, and I care? Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage of being able to sustain your son's life.

JD And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words carefully. But not to put too fine a point on it, fuck yourself, Harry!

Barry pulls a kind of mock-scared face and clutches his heart.


HATCHET Oh, careful JD, you'll give Barry a heart-attack.

We crash-zoom again into Harry's eyes to see the pupils contract. It's time to look mean.

I'll put that down to shock, but only once, only once can or will I let you get away with that. Your son's still got three days to find half a million, but make up your mind which one you prefer: your son, or your bar.

We have a slow-motion close-up of the drink being slammed down, proving a point.


BACON has rigged up an amplifier to the hole in the cupboard along with a ridiculous amount of recording equipment. The house lights still flicker on and off. We start the first part of the conversation looking at Bacon, who has his headphones on. We cut to Dog halfway through the second sentence.


PLANK There's nothing to worry about, it's going to be easy.

DOG There is no such thing as easy in my experience and, if you think this is going to be easy, you're a dick. It may be easier than most but it's not going to be easy.


BACON has a kettle next to where he is sitting. It steams away quite happily but a worrying noise starts to come from the plug socket. BACON prepares himself.- BOOM! He disappears into black.


They react to the BOOM! Dog looks at the wall with suspicion, misses a beat, then continues.

DOG What's that idiot doing next door? (Points at Paul) We use your van. It's up some stairs this place, so we'll stick out like balls on a bulldog. Plank is going up first. There is a cage but it is never locked, is it Plank?


DOG And it better bloody not be. Once he is firmly in place, he gets the rest of us in. We'll get nasty with a couple of them, shit 'em up, scare and gag 'em. I can't see these wankers giving us a problem, but they might have a couple of tools hanging around like any cowboy. When the job is done we'll come straight back here. It's dark by then, unload and Robert's your father's brother. Everybody savvy?


DOG Right, tomorrow, eight o'clock we'll do it. Apparently these stags don't get out of bed till midday, lowest ebb and all that, and that's how I like it.


BACON is now lit by candle.

BACON Jesus.

DOG (off) So no messing around tonight. We leave eight a.m., OK?


BACON It's happening tomorrow morning. Get back here now.


SOAP (staggering) Where did you get those from, a museum?

TOM Nick the Greek.

BACON How much did you part with?

TOM Seven hundred for the pair.

SOAP Drachmas, I hope. I would feel safer with a chicken drumstick. They could do more harm than good.

BACON Jesus, Tom, do they work?

TOM I dunno, but they look nice. I rather like ' em.

EDDY Top of the list of priorities, how nice they look.

SOAP Ladies, if you don't mind, back to a more important issue. We've only got two real guns . . . apparently that's what they are. We find a good place to hide next door. When it sounds like the right time, we jack in the box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, then we nick their van and swap the gear into a new van and then bring it back here. As long as we are all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last thing they'll expect. If Tom and anyone else feels like kicking them around a bit I am sure it won't do any harm. A bit of pain never hurt any one (thinking about it) if you know what I mean . . . Also, I think knives are a good idea, you know, big fuck-off shiny knives, the ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good because they don't make any noise, and the less noise the more we're likely to use them. That'll shit 'em up and make us look like pros.

There is a pause as they look at Soap with suspicion.

TOM Is there something we should know about you, Soap?

BACON I am not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.


Ed and Bacon, etc, are all mounted up on top of one another looking out a crack in the curtain. They are observing Dog's party en route to work. They are dressed as kebab shop assistants.

SOAP Where the fuck are they going? To butcher a sheep? I thought this was a robbery.

EDDY Where did they get those outfits from? Haven't we got some like that, Tom?

TOM Well, not exactly like that.


Dog and troop load up.


Cut to Sloanes. They are up and unusually awake. Today is the day to move the money so they are comparatively alert. There is lots of activity.

WINSTON You fucking jelly-heads, move it. You have been up for two hours, you should have got somewhere by now. The gear and the money has got to be out of here before twelve.

The horn blasts.

Who's that? J, don't you dare open the door until you use that cage. I am serious, and find out who it is first.



J (raising his voice for the door) Hello, can I help you?

PLANK All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?

J No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.

PLANK Well, perhaps you can help?

J Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.

PLANK Look, could you just open the door so I could talk without shouting?

J I can't help you, Plank.

PLANK I think you'll find it is in your interest.


J Hold on. OK. (Whispering inside.) Look Willie, it's Plank outside asking for you, he says it's in our interest.


WINSTON I don't care if it's King fucking Kong, he is not coming in here, not today.

WILLIAM Hold on: we are in business and correct me if I am wrong, but that is business?

J Corrected; that's a walking accident that we can do without.

WILLIAM Jesus, he's OK; he knows only to buy weights now, so we are looking at least a couple of thou; just one last time.

J What do you think, Winston?


WINSTON Willy, this is the last time, and don't let him know that you're here, otherwise he will be here all day, and get rid of him quick. We have work to do.


DOG (frustrated) What the fuck is going on?

MICK Do you want me to have a look, Dog?

DOG No, you silly fucker, stay still. (Whispering) What's going on?

PLANK Come on, I can't wait out here all day.

Starting to get anxious that the whole deal could be off Plank looks down the stairs and waves at Dog as some kind of reassurance.

J (off) All right, just coming.

J unlocks the door after getting the cage ready. There's an external door, and then a small corridor before the cage. J is inside the cage. Two, or at a push, three people could fit in this space before they would be poking out on the outside world.


PLANK I thought you were going to leave me out there all day.

J I didn't know you were a kebab man, Plank.

PLANK (taking the piss) Lives and learns doesn't one.

Then devastation slaps him hard.

Keep the gates locked now, do you?

J Sorry, got to do business like this now; can't be too careful these days.

PLANK I know. (Suddenly turning very nasty whispering.) Now shut it. You say a fucking word the right knee goes, another word then your left.

J (confused and believing it's a joke, until he sees the gun.) What are you doing, Plank?

PLANK What do you think I am doing? Hold on. What are you doing? Unlock that gate. Oi! I said unlock that fucking gate.

J has found it all too much and has passed out with fear, collapsing on the floor in an awkward contorted position. Plank is desperately trying to find the right key. Things are not going as well as planned. Dog, in the meantime, has decided it's time to start the show


DOG Go! Go! Go! Fucking run, you two.

They all go charging into the open door only to slam straight into Plank. The keys go flying out of Plank's hands and through the cage. Plank cries with frustration, reaching out with his hand to retrieve them. Dog, finding the gate locked, is none too happy They are also still exposed to the eyes of the world due to the lack of space between the outside door and the inside cage.

90 ~ 91


DOG (mesmerized} The fucking gate's shut, you prick.

PLANK Just hold on, I got the keys.

Having clawed them back with the end of his shotgun.

DOG (seeing an unconscious man at his feet) What the fuck did you do to Fauntleroy?

PLANK (fumbling and panicking) I didn't touch him, he just passed out.


WINSTON J, what's going on out there? (Realising) Get the rifle out, Charles. We're being fucked.


DOG Get the sodding gate open now, Plank.

Plank is busy fumbling about, not really getting anywhere because of the pressure being applied.

PLANK (trying to convince himself, as much as Dog) It must be this one.

DOG Just give me the keys.

The gun with which Plank has been entrusted is pointing straight at Dog's groin.

Point your gun in there, dick, not at me.

Mick has unwrapped his gun from his case. Dog turns and looks amazed at the size of the weapon.

What the fuck is that?

MICK It's a bren gun.

DOG You could have brought something a bit more fucking practical, couldn't ya?

Pop! We hear the sound of an air gun pellet hitting the bars.

PLANK (trying to salvage some credibility) Don't you stags move or I'll kill the lot of ya.

DOG (amazed by this stupidity) Who are you going to kill Plank? There's no one there.

We hear another pop and Plank gets shot in the neck. This understarulably sends him into a real panic, thinking this is curtains.

PLANK (gurgle) They shot me!

Panic unashamedly exposing itself. Trickles of blood start flowing from in-between Plank's fingers.

DOG (unimpressed) Well shoot them.

Plank shoots at everything and nothing. Smoke fills the corridor, leaving them in a cloud. A bit of coughing goes on, then silence.

JOHN Jesus Plank, you could have got smokeless cartridges, I can't see a bloody thing.

Pop! Another pellet is fired hitting John in the chest.

Ah, Jesus, shit, I've been shot!

DOG I don't fucking believe this. Could everybody stop getting shot. Sit down John, you cock, patch yourself up; it's only a fucking air rifle.

Dog is interrupted by an enormously loud blast of machine-gun fire. Dog and the boys panic, cover their ears and hit the floor. After this outburst Dog looks up at Mick and sees he is the culprit. Mick looks down at Dog expecting a congratulatory nod from Dog; he doesn't get it.

What the fuck was that?

MICK That was the bren gun!

94 . ~ 95

DOG If you use that again, you're a dead man, do you understand?

He speaks softly but he is quite shaken. He then raises his voice; he has had enough of all this mincing.

Right fellas!

He shouts to the Sloanes while dragging the semi-conscious body of J up to use as a shield.

Before I go any further I am going to shoot your mate's toes off!

No sooner said than done; his toes go. The smoke problem repeats itself and J faints again, but an unfazed Dog continues.

Now if you want us to be gone in two minutes, open the fucking gate, now!


CHARLES He'll probably kill us if we do.

WINSTON Well, J will certainly get it if we don't; he's serious. Look what he did to his toes.

DOG (off) Right, his leg's going now.

WINSTON All right, all fucking right, I am coming. (Turning and whispering) Willie, he doesn't know you are here, just sort something out, OK.

Willie slinks off with a `like what?' look on his face.


DOG And all your friends, there's a good lad.

WINSTON There is only three of us here.

DOG Do you want me to take his leg off? Where's the fourth?

WINSTON I mean it, there is only three of us here.

DOG Plank?

PLANK (gurgle, gurgle) Yeah, one of them's out.

DOG OK, open the gate.

No sooner said than done. Dog hits one straight on Winston's forehead with the butt of his gun and drags him to the stairs. 97


Up boy, up, up.

They reach the top of the stairs.

Tie 'em up John and, Plank, you come with me. Where's the money?

PLANK There, in those shoe boxes.

Dog opens them. There is nothing in them. If looks could kill Plank would be pushing up daisies.

DOG (gun to the head of Winston) Where?

WINSTON Out the back.

DOG And the weed?

WINSTON Out the back.

MICK Point.

WINSTON With what?

MICK Your hands, now!

WINSTON I can't, I am tied up.


MICK Well, well, shake your head or something.

DOG All right Plank, get Paul out of the van.

This is done on a walky talky.


The door opens. Willie is waiting behind it armed with a machete. He turns to his opponent and, eyes shut for Dutch courage, hacks straight into Mick's arm. Mick's machine gun goes off and William loses a finger as he tries to push the barrel to the side. He starts screaming uncontrollably

DOG (to Plank) Give us your knife.

Dog is going to put an end to this screaming and is making his way to its source. William is silenced through fear of the approaching Dog and slumps on the floor in a silenced wreck, holding a bleeding hand.

(the point of the blade resting on William's throat) Enough! Mick, how you doing?

MICK How do you think I am doing? He has fucking nearly chopped my arm off.

Dog's attention is diverted as he sees a table full of cash, neatly packed and stacked.

PAUL (in doorway visibly shocked Gordon Bennett! What's been going on in here?

DOG Shut up, you idiot. You got the bags? Can you get it in?

PAUL There's a lot here, all right. I don't think we will be able to get this all in the van.

DOG Bollocks, you'll get it in even if you have to do two trips.


A traffic warden appears as Paul goes outside to load up.

TRAFFIC WARDEN You got a ticket already and, if you don't move it now, sir, we will move it for you.

PAUL I'll only be a minute.

TRAFFIC WARDEN You've already been fifteen.

Paul, realising that persuasion is futile, decides other means are necessary to despatch this nuisance. He looks down both sides of the street: the coast is clear.

PAUL Look. Go on, look.

TRAFFIC WARDEN At what, exactly?

PAUL My van is half full.


PAUL So I've just got to put you in, and I am off.

Having made their way to the rear of the van, Paul opens the back doors. Paul smacks the traffic warden on the side of the head. The momentum carries the warden into the van, unconscious. Paul has another quick look round and Lifts the warden's legs up and pushes him deeper into the vehicle.


PLANK My neck, Dog. (Dog shows no sign of pity) That's the last bag?

DOG (Turning to Mick.) How about you? All right?

MICK I'll be fine when; have dealt with this little shit. Mick grabs the machete that was used to disable him and puts down the machine gun.

DOG Do it quietly.

Gloria, who has been forgotten by the Sloanes and unnoticed by Dog and troop, has sat through the whole episode without apparently realising the gravity of the situation. She is kick-started into action by the sure demise of Willie. The machine gun has been placed not too far away from her. She picks it up, and fires it into the already wounded body of Mick, who is almost instantaneously transformed into dog meat. Gloria, who has found a gear that nobody probably not even herself, knew existed, destroys everything she points at. Bodies jump for cover and Winston and the rest close their eyes and hope for the best. Eventually the gun, which seems to have a limitless supply of lead, goes quiet. We cut to close-ups of everybody opening their eyes cautiously. Looks of relief come from everyone, not least the Sloanes. Dog, who is closest, stands, walks straight up to her and punches her on the jaw Gloria is knocked out.

What was that? Where did she come from? That's fucking it. Tie her up. We are getting out of here.


BACON Eh, bunk us up over the wall.

BACON forces one of the windows open. He looks pleased and beckons the others over. They keep in contact with Soap by cellular phones.


EDDY Everything all right out there, Tom?

TOM (on phone) Right as rain.

EDDY Where the hell are we supposed to hide?

Ed looks into an almost empty room in which they are to find cover. He shrugs, and goes to sort himself out a cup of tea.

SOAP What are you doing, Ed?


Do you want one?

SOAP No I fucking don't! You can't make a cup of tea, Edward.

EDDY Why not? The whole of the British Empire was built on cups of tea.

SOAP And look what happened to that.

EDDY If you think I am going to war without one, you're mistaken, mate.


Dog turns to admire a full van.

TRAFFIC WARDEN You won't get away with it.

Dog turns around and sees the tragic warden.

DOG Paul, what's that?

PAUL That's a traffic warden.

DOG (looking straight at Paul) What's he doing in the van?

Dog and the others look at the tragic warden mercilessly

PAUL He was about to call the cozzers.

Paul hits him again, sending him back into unconsciousness.

DOG We will deal with him later.

EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY Tom is on the mobile phone.

TOM They're here.


Dog opens his door, enters the front room, dumps his two bags down and is met by a bleeding Plank (who is grunted at) and John, who is rubbing his chest. Dog sighs and turns to get more bags. The action starts. It's hard to tell who is who because of the balaclavas. The lads jump out of their positions.

BACON Down, down, get fucking down now'

This is like d??vu. There is no response as the three of them seem not to believe what's going on. BACON hits Dog with the butt of his gun, establishing who's boss. Dog does down with a thud. Plank hits the floor immediately.


Paul enters, sees trouble, drops his bags and prepares to run. He is met by Tom who greets him with a smash round the kneecaps with a lead pipe. This has more than the desired effect and Paul has to be dragged in screaming by Tom. It all went rather smoothly

EDDY Tie 'em up, tape 'em up, face and mouth. Keys, I want the keys.

DOG I'll find you.

BACON Of course you will, sweetheart. This one, search this one. Ed finds the keys without any trouble.

EDDY I'll meet you in the van when you have finished with handsome there.


There is silence. For a few seconds all we can hear is the noise of their breathing.


TOM Well Jesus, that wasn't so bad, was it?

SOAP When the bottle in my arse has contracted I'll let you know.

EDDY Bacon, see what we got.

BACON Let's have a butcher's. Jesus, there's lots of everything. We've got god knows how much of this stinking weed; we've got a shit load of cash; and we've got a . . . traffic warden.

TOM A what?

BACON A traffic warden. Look, what's this?

He holds up the hat.

TOM Shit Ed, we've got a traffic warden.


BACON I think he's still alive. He's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?

EDDY I dunno, but I don't think we need him. Dump him at the lights.


HATCHET It's about time you give my young friends a visit, Chris. Tomorrow is the day and mum seems to be the word, and I can't have that now, can I, Chris?

BIG CHRIS No Harry, you can't.


Dog struggles free and unravels the tape from his head and gets the other three out.

DOG Dead. Dead. I don't know who they think they could be, for me not to find 'em. Of course I'll find 'em. I don't give a flying fucking fish who they think they are. I'll kill - fur and feathers, burning wheel South African style, kebab 'em, peel 'em, slice 'em and dice ' em, hang draw and fucking quarter ' em.


Two vans are parked back to back. We see Ed and the boys putting one last trunk into the back of the new van.

EDDY That's it all done, we are off.

SOAP You think it's a good idea taking it back to yours?

EDDY There is nowhere else to keep it, and it's the last place they are going to look. Anyway the battle's over and the war is won.

Ed passes a handful of grass to Tom.

Tom, take this to Nick, and let's get rid of it, quick.


Nick has given the weed to Rory for inspection. Lenny has stepped in.

LENNY It is skunk . . . and it's as good as it gets.

RORY OK, I'll take it off you; half price.

NICK I don't think he'll like that. You said three-five a key, that's what he wants and you know that's a good price.

RORY BREAKER It was yesterday I said three and a half grand and today is today, if I am not mistaken.

Turns back to the TV.

I'll take it tomorrow for half price. If he wants to move it quick he'll take it. Now, I've got another game coming up in a minute so if you would be kind enough.

Pointing at the door. Nick exits.

Lenny, take this to Snow White and the three little chemists; they should have a gander at this. I want a proper opinion. 110


Lenny and Nathan, Rory's minders, pull up outside the Sloanes' house to have the weed analysed. For the first time it is revealed that Rory Breaker owns the Sloanes.

LENNY Hold on!


LENNY something's not quite right here. Go in slowly, Nathan.

NATHAN Fuck you funny man, you go first.



Winston is tied up and squirming.

WINSTON For Christ's sake, get us out.


EDDY Well, not a bad day's work. That takes care of Harry.

Pushing a massive pile of notes to one side.

SOAP What's left over?'

TOM Hold on, give us half a chance to count it.

SOAP What about all the gear?

BACON 'Ere, have a pull of this.

Passes Ed the joint.

EDDY I don't want that horrible shit. Give it to Soap. Can we just lock up and get drunk now, please?


We see Winston, Nathan and the torso of Lenny, standing in front of Rory Like naughty schoolchildren.

WINSTON We had the gates up but they stuck a shotgun through. Poor bloody J got shot; it was a right mess.

The gravity and reality dawns on Rory.

RORY It will cost you more than your life's worth if you jest with me.

LENNY Some girl took one of 'em out, but he's a bit of a mess.

WINSTON (proudly j We shot one of them in the throat.


RORY What do you want, a fucking medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get the gear back.

He pauses, rubs his forehead and continues, slightly calmer. You shot the one that's in there now?


No, another one.

RORY This is more like it. So where's he?

WINSTON They took him with them; he was still alive.

RORY Well, what did you shoot him with, an air gun?

There is an embarrassed pause and a look of `how did you know?' Rory doesn't need an answer and slaps his forehead.

WINSTON We grow weed, we're not mercenaries.


You don't say.

There is a pause while Rory searches for the right words. The silence is deafening.

LENNY (stupidly) Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory?

Rory looks up amazed.

RORY Mr Breaker! Today my name is Mr Breaker. You think_this is a coincidence? Not many, Benny! This white shite steals my goods and then thinks it is a good idea to sell it back to me. They got less brains than you, Lenny . . . Get Nick cum-bubble round here now if he is stupid enough to still be on this planet.


Dog has all his boys round.

DOG I want you to search the house for bugs. I mean I want you to strip it.

JOHN What is the point in that? Even if it was a bug they would have taken it with 'em.

DOG It is too late for you to start thinking John. It is a possibility and that is good enough for me. And after you strip the house, I want you to get every thieving slag this side of Ceylon and torture them, badly. I want to know who is responsible, otherwise I will hold you responsible.


All kinds of characters have made an appearance. A game of cards is in motion, the forfeit now being alcohol. Barfly Jack the barman is sitting at the table. They are already on the road to being comfortably comatose.

TOM Rory Breaker?


BARFLY JACK Yeah, I know Rory.

This next section is subtitled. This is to keep everyone, even those familiar with cockney rhyming slang up to speed with the narration, of which even Tom is unsure. As with the police scene earlier this is a voice-over and we cut to the relevant scenes.

BARFLYJACK (voice-over) Rory's got few interests in life; darky music, football, bees and honey and kicking the shit out of anyone that interferes with that shortlist. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron rusted, so he has gone to the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. `Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong oddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. `That's fucking it,' says the man. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won too, four-nil.


After a while Ed sees Daisy making a sneaky sharp exit and tries to pursue her, running out on to the street. Daisy is nowhere to be seen.



Nick is blissfully ignorant of the situation. He is sitting in front of Rory.

RORY Your one saving grace might be your stupidity.

NICK (looking quite petrified) Er.

RORY Don't fucking er me, Greek boy! How is it that your so-fucking-stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my gear? And then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some sort of white cunts' joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cos I am not fucking laughing, Nik-ol-as.


RORY There are four interests I have, Nick. Football, music, money, and the annihilation of anybody who interferes with that shortlist . . . I know you couldn't have known my position because you're not so fucking stupid that if you did know, you would turn up here scratching your arse, with that `what's going on here' look slapped on your Chevy Chase. But what you do know is where these people live.

We look at the white faced Nick. He doesn't open his mouth. The penny has dropped.

If you hold anything back, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or if I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. I hope you understand everything

I have said. Because if you don't, I'll kill you. Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak. You may now enlighten me.


Paul, John, and Plank are lined up like naughty schoolchildren in front of Dog, who is black-eyed and pissed off:

DOG So we have a bit of a problem, don't we?

JOHN Er well, yes we do.

DOG In fact it is a little more than a bit of a problem, isn't it? You could say that in the scale of these things this is the Mount fucking Everest of problems, couldn't you? . . . And the reason it is such a mon fucking-strosity of a problem is because you don't have the first fucking idea who did this to us, do you?

PLANK Dog, we have been up all night. It's no one round here! We have had them all against the wall.

JOHN If it was a toe rag from the area we would know.

Dog starts slapping his troops round their heads.

DOG You wouldn't know if it was the next-door fucking neighbours, you prick! You find 'em, you hear? And find 'em quick! Now get out and start looking! Out! Out!

Dog Loses his temper and throws Plank across the room. Plank's head breaks effortlessIy through the wall.


A dust-covered Plank blinks in confusion as he looks on to a heap of recording equipment.


Recovering from the night before.

BACON Scarface, I have watched Scarface. You want to know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface!

EDDY That inspires confidence, that does.

TOM This guy Rory Breaker can afford to do the deal at the price we are selling. It's not worth him giving us trouble; he knows we would be a pain in the arse, and who wants a pain in the arse?

SOAP I would take a pain in the arse for half a million.

TOM You would take a pain ? the arse full stop.

SOAP Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.

EDDY Jesus, would you two stop flirting for one minute . . . After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up near enough two hundred grand each. Not bad for a day's work, I think you will agree.



A seventies-style split screen. A very shaky Nick answers his cartoon telephone.

NICK Yeah?


DEAN That's no way to answer the phone.

NICK Is that you, Dean?

DEAN Sure is.

NICK What can I do for you?

DEAN You know those shotguns I sold ya, well I need 'em back.

NICK Not likely I am afraid; I don't think I'll be seeing them again.

DEAN I got the money to pay for 'em.

NICK I am sure you do, but I don't think you understand; I am not going to see them or the guns again.

Gary looks at Dean.


DEAN If we can't get 'em, we can't get 'em.

INT. SPLIT SCREEN. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY. Barry is on his mobile, moments later.

BARRY You fucking well have to get 'em!


DEAN We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.

BARRY Inside, out-fuckin'-side. I don't give a shit, you get those guns because if you don't . . .

DEAN Yeah, Bazza, what?

BARRY You heard of Harry Lonsdale? Otherwise known as Back-you-up with-a- Hatchet Harry, infamous for his removal of digits?

Dean pauses for a while, a look of concern coming over his face.

Well this is `James Bond need to know' time. They're his! When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean?

Hatchet has had enough. He grabs the phone from Barry's hand, waving the infamous fifteen-inch big black cock in the other hand. Hatchet goes on to put the shits up the Scousers.

HATCHET Do you know who I am? I am split in two; there is me, and there is my patience, and patience has gone to the hospital; you are not far behind, know what I mean? I mean, find ' em, torture 'em, kill 'em, and bring back what belongs to me, because if you don't . . . you are . . . bang . . . in trouble.

Hatchet slams the phone down. Dean looks at Gary in horror.

GARY Who was that?

DEAN That was Hatchet Horrible Harry.

GARY Jesus, I have heard about him.

DEAN We're in the spite. They were his fucking guns that we sold; we gotta find 'em.

Dean dials Nick immediately.

No fucking about, Nick; where can I find those guns?


Dog and boys have made a Large hole in the connecting cupboard wall which they have crawled through. Dog is holding a large bag which he has found.

JOHN Dog, I have found the cash!

DOG The stupid bastards! Count it!

JOHN Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to do this next door?

DOG We're not going next door until we've flayed these dead men walking. Count it out the back. I don't want them seeing you fingering that money as soon as they walk in.

JOHN But... (interrupts) Give it us here, you dozy sod. You hide and get the guns ready. Wait until they are well in, then give it to 'em.


Rory Breaker is amassing his troops and preparing to go round to Ed's.

RORY BREAKER We are going to do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated; I want that house painted red. Winston here is coming along, see if he can recognize any of 'em, then we bring what's mine back here. Watch out for these fellas; they've got a bit of arsenal and they don't mind using it. Now you know what you're doing, yes?


Big Chris and Little Chris are waiting outside. Dog's gang are waiting for Ed's gang inside. Rory's gang are going to Ed's.



Six heavy-looking black guys are loading their weapons.


Dog's gang are also loading their weapons and concealing themselves among the furniture. Dog is counting out the money in the side room and has the two antique hammer-lock shotguns resting on the table in front of him, which were found with the rest of the bounty.


Rory's boys stop the van outside Ed's and back up to Ed's front door. The rear van door is opened when it is completely flush and Lenny (with gun) prepares to do his worst.


There is a loud bang and the front door disappears. In its place is a large black man pointing an even larger machine gun. Nobody seems to be at home; it appears to be quite an anti-climax. A long pause follows as both gangs don't quite know what to do. Rory's guys jump over the machine gun to explore further.

PLANK (under his breath) What the fuck is going on here?

Dog's lot are confused as to why these guys appear to have broken into their own home, carrying weapons of mass-destruction and looking to use them. We cut to a close-up of Plank's pov under the sofa. He can see numerous pairs of boots and they are multiplying. At last Plank can't take any more; his finger's shaking too much on the trigger. BANG.'


We see the windows shattering from the outside as bullets hail through.


Dog, who was counting the spoils in the adjoining room, is more than aware of the seriousness of the situation. He quickly closes his suitcase of money and grabs the two old guns, opens the adjoining door, gets splattered in blood and smoke and quickly closes it. He then checks his escape route out of the front window and exits. Dog looks quite pleased with himself as he still has the money and his life, and is holding the infamous guns in each hand like a Mexican bandit.


Big Chris, watching the house, intrigued and interested by all the activity, has made his way closer, and low and behold: looks what walks straight into him.

BIG CHRIS Got something here for me, have ya? (Dog is stunned by this) Come on, chop chop.

Before Dog has a chance to use the shotguns Chris grabs one in each hand and knocks Dog down with a swift headbutt. Dog moans, not knowing what day of the week it is. Chris opens the case, sees it's full of money, takes the two shotguns, then leaves. Thank you very much.

On reaching the car he gives the case to his son, putting the guns on the back seat.

Count that son, and put your seatbelt on.


DEAN Follow that car, Gary; he's got the fucking guns.


Ed's place has been shot to pieces. Only Rory and Winston (in shock) seem to be left. Rory is throwing the bags of weed into the back of his van, then he kicks over one of the bodies. It's a blood-covered Plank.

RORY BREAKER This is one of them.

Winston nods in confirmation.

Lucky, that.

Bang' Bang! Plank (to Rory's surprise) still had a loaded gun. Rory and Plank despatch each other simultaneously.


Tom, Bacon, Ed and Soap look hung-over Ed is driving. 126

TOM There's six black cocks sitting on the side of the road. How many beaks have they got between them?


TOM How many wings have they got between them?

SOAP Twelve.

TOM How many feet?

SOAP Er, well, twelve.

TOM That's right. So how many whiskers has the little white kitten got?

SOAP How the fuck should I know?

TOM How come you know so much about black cocks and so little about white pussy?]

The end of this joke is interrupted by a van swerving past them, dangerously close. The lads lodge a complaint and then they stop outside Ed and Bacon's so that they can pick up the money.

* Cut from completed film.



BACON What has been going on here?

They look into a smoking, blood-covered house.

SOAP The money, the gear!

TOM That's fucked it. What do we do now? No money, no weed; it's all been swapped for a pile of corpses.

SOAP OK, don't panic; let's think about this.

EDDY Bollocks! You can think about it for as long as you like. I am panicking and I am off mate.


Big Chris is about to walk in to Hatchet's office. The door opens and out walks John O'Driscoll with a serious sunburn.

BIG CHRIS Hello, John. Nice holiday?

JOHN O'DRISCOLL I won't be seeing you again Chris; I have paid him every last penny.

BIG CHRIS I am sure you have, no one was accusing you of being dishonest, John.


HATCHET (off) That you, Chris?


HATCHET How did you get your hands on these?

He drops a vagina-shaped penis massager, realising that these are the guns he has been after. He then tries desperately to conceal his excitement.

BIG CHRIS The boys had 'em. I know you like these things; wondered if you wanted them?

HATCHET Er, yeah, sure, I'll have 'em.

BARRY Was it any trouble getting the money?

BIG CHRIS Well, not especially, but they seem to of upset a few characters.

HATCHET Have you counted the money?

BIG CHRIS Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.

HATCHET They were going to pay, then?

BIG CHRIS It looks like ?, but who knows? The opportunity was there. In my experience it is best to take the opportunity if it is there.

HATCHET Good job, Chris.

Chris exits, pushing his wages into his inside packet. Harry is ecstatic about the guns and starts chuckling to himself.


The Scousers watch Big Chris walk out of Hatchet's empty-handed

DEAN We gotta get those guns.

GARY This is dangerous shit, Dean; we don't even know who lives in there.

DEAN Listen, I don't care who lives in there; all as I know it's got to be preferable to death by Hatchet.

GARY Furry muff, let's go.


SOAP I hope this is the right move.

EDDY It's either that, my old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily. I am going to call him.

BACON As if he'll care.


EDDY He'll care all right. That was going to be his money. Whether he cares about us is different. Pass your phone.

BACON Think about what you're going to say, Ed; we are on thin ice.


The two Scousers with guns in hand creep their way up the stairs. There's only one door in front of them. Dean gets ready to kick it open. Gary leans against the wall and delivers a Professionals-style kick.


Harry is in his offtce playing with his guns. The phone rings.

HATCHET That you, boy?

EDDY (on phone) It's Ed, if that's what you mean.

HATCHET It's pay day, ain't it?

EDDY (on phone) I wanted to talk to you about that.

HATCHET I bet you did. I have got half a million nicker sitting in front of me, which means that some poor sod doesn't. You must have upset a few people, boy . . . but that isn't really my concern, is it? But what does concern me is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. Get your arse over here now, and I do mean now!


Ed puts the phone down after a pause. His state of shock is obvious to the rest of the lads.


EDDY Well what?

TOM (impatiently) Well, what did he say?

EDDY He said he thinks we have paid him, and he wants to talk about those guns . . . now.

SOAP You what? What are you on about?

EDDY Listen, if he has the guns he might have the money . . . I think we should go and see him.

BACON I think you're a sandwich short of a picnic, mate; you want to start making sense.



We cut to a time Lapse. Hatchet puts down the phone while resting his bum on the front of his desk. He is ecstatic with the guns. He loads and plays with them, aiming at imaginary moving birds.

The door is suddenly kicked wide open and, lo and behold, there is a Scouser standing in the door. Dean has a thousand ugly thoughts flying through his troubled mind, most of which are based an regretting the decision to kick this door in: `shit, what the hell is that, and why is he holding a shotgun'. Hatchet realizes that the man standing in the doorway (who is posed like De Niro in the poster of Taxi Driver, holding a gun in each hand) has nor come to deliver the mail. The pair are blissfully unaware that employee has met employer. Hatchet Harry has effectively contracted his own demise. The pause is eventually shattered by reality There is a rush to pull their individual triggers. There is a race between the two bullets to reach their prospective targets. Both barrels are emptied into Dean's chest. The Scourer is airborne by the sheer power of the cartridges. One of Dean's bullets,finds its way into Harry's shoulder. Gary can do nothing to stop this atrocity. He watches helplessly as his pal flies clean past him.

Overtaken by emotion or fear, Gary charges in, gun blazing, and proceeds to perforate Hatchet who is now unarmed. Hatchet flies over his desk. Gary comes into the room to finish the job and fires one last bullet into Hatchet, who is lying on the chair side of his desk. It is then revealed that Barry is sitting in his chair behind the door. The Scourer can't see Barry and Barry can't see Gary's face. Barry throws the hatchet that is sitting next to him in a butcher's block. It hits Gary in the back. Gary spins round firing wildly and lodges a bullet in Barry's stomach. It is then clear to them both that this has all been a terrible mistake.

BARRY/GARY What are you doing here?

Then both collapse into dead lumps on the floor.


EDDY You and me, Tom.

TOM What do you mean, me?

They stand outside Hatchet's door and are just about to ring it when Tom notices it's open.


Oh Jesus, not again.

The two pause while they build their confidence. They enter Hatchet Harry's room. It's still smoky. There on the table is the money.

TOM That's it, I am off.

Ed tiptoes over to the bag containing the money.

EDDY Tom, this is our case.

TOM . . . What?

EDDY This is our money, Tom! . . . Now I think we should go.

Tom sees his guns. His eyes widen in surprise.

TOM I'll meet you in the car. I am taking these guns.


EDDY Tom, don't mess around, let's go.

TOM I'11 meet you in the car.


TOM I'll only be a minute.


BIG CHRIS A job well done son; we made a few quid out of that one.

As he puts the key in the ignition, there is no reply from his little boy


DOG Made a few quid, did ya? Now where is it?

We can't see Dog but we can see the sharp side of a knife resting along the front of Little Chris's throat. The Dog is Lying down in the back. Big Chris assesses the situation.

BIG CHRIS You all right back there, mate?

DOG Very fucking funny. Where's what I want?

BIG CHRIS It's in an office; I have just left it in the office. 137

DOG Well, you had better go and get it from the office. That's if you want to see your son reach his next birthday. Now chop-fuckin'-chop.

BIG CHRIS All right, furry muff.

Big Chris doesn't seem too bothered by this problem. He shrugs and starts the car.

DOG What are you doing?

BIG CHRIS Well, it's a five minute walk or a thirty second drive.

DOG You had better be careful.

Big Chris starts his car up, looks across to make sure that Little Chris has got his seatbelt on and pulls out on to the road. He gets faster and faster until Dog pokes him in the shoulder with his knife. Chris pulls hard to the left and rams into the nearest parked vehicle. BANG' Dog goes flying forward, hitting the windscreen.


Another time lapse.

SOAP Well, what's going on?

EDDY I don't know, but what I do know is that there's no more Harry, which means there's no more debt, and if there's no more debt there's no more problem, and there's no more problem with our neighbours because they are all dead. I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong anyway, which means we are in the clear.

Bang! Big Chris's car hits them straight in the rear. The bag of cash goes flying through the car, landing on the dash. The lads are knocked unconscious.


Big Chris, having removed the knife from a stunned Dog, proceeds to smash his head against the dash and has the most amount of fun in doing so.

BIG CHRIS Never, never, not as long as I can remember has anybody been as rude to me as you have.

Dog is being thrown around like a rag doll.


We are looking through a two-way mirror.

SERG Don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you; but before I do, I need to know what's going on, Edward.

EDDY If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.

The camera spins round to see the traffic warden standing with a policeman. There is a long pause far consideration. Eventually he shakes his head.

TRAFFIC WARDEN No, that's not one of them.

The policeman then knocks on the door.


The SERG looks round to see the policeman. They exit and Ed is left on his own. After a short pause the door bursts open.

SERG All right son, you're outta here! And you want to stay outta here.




All the lads are sitting in the bar. Ed is talking to Tom who is interested in whatever he has to say.

EDDY The traffic warden went to the morgue and recognized Dog and his lot so that put us sort of in the clear. They got no case against us because there is no evidence against us.

BACON Apart from those shotguns.

EDDY And Tom took care of them.

Pause while Tom looks embarrassed about something.

SOAP You did take care of the guns, didn't you, Tom?

Ed looks at Tom, who looks even more embarrassed.

TOM I wanted to talk to you about that.

BACON Well, talk.

TOM Well not exactly, no; I got 'em sitting in the car, actually; I thought we might sell them back to the Greek, but I am having a bit of a problem getting hold of him.


You dippy bastard.

EDDY The only item that connects us with the crime is sitting in your car which is sitting outside?

TOM We paid seven hundred quid for those guns. They could hardly trace them to you, could they?

SOAP I don't think we will take the risk for seven hundred quid.

EDDY Tom, go and throw those guns off a bridge.

BACON And, throw yourself off while you're at it. SOAP

Now, Tom! There is a pause.


Tom leaves, looking a little sulky.

EDDY The silly sod.

Big Chris walks in. He approaches the bar.


JD Chris. (Pause) You come to collect something, Chris? Should I have something for you?


JD Can I help?

BIG CHRIS I think I can help you, as it happens.

JD Yes?

BIG CHRIS I have got something for ya. Well, for your boy, actually.

JD Well, I suggest you speak to him, then.

They all look rather shocked. He is carrying their bag and he places it on the table, which increases the shock factor.

BIG CHRIS It seems that Hatchet under-estimated your lot and that seems to have cost him . . . I am not going to make the same mistake, am I? I have decided to bring your bag back.

Pause. The words you are looking for start with thank you.

EDDY Thank you.

BIG CHRIS Now you have presented me with a problem. I don't have an employer any more. So I have taken care of myself and my son, and if you think that is unfair you just come and pay me a little visit; but you better be waving the white flag high and clear, otherwise it will be the last little visit you lot ever make . . . That's all I had to say. It's been emotional.

Big Chris turns to walk out. The lads stare at the bag and then at each other.


Big Chris walks out into the street. We see a shiny new sports car. Little Chris is sitting in the passenger seat.

BIG CHRIS That should take care of that lot. We are now officially in the money- loaning business, all right, son?

LITTLE CHRIS All right, Dad.

BIG CHRIS Well, put your seatbelt on then.


Ed goes forward to open the case. The rest are still in shock. Ed opens the bag.

EDDY There's nothing in it!

SOAP What do you mean?

EDDY I mean it's fucking empty.

BACON lunges forward and stares in. He sticks his hand in and extracts an A4 envelope. They look puzzled. Ed feels the package and starts to tear the top off. As this is done it creates a split screen.

On the other side of the picture, Tom is on a London bridge with the car boot open. He looks at the guns with regret and give them one last polish. Then he folds the guns up and places them on top of a handrail. Simultaneously Ed extracts a Sotherby's brochure on shotguns. They still look confused. They turn the brochure upside down and recognize the shotguns. Slowly they start to turn the pages.

Torn pushes the shotguns over the top rail: they fall. He starts walking but stops for some reason. He retreads his steps and peers over; the guns had just fallen on to a shelf.

Ed sees the price of the guns: a series of alarming zooms cut between eyes and prices. They panic and reach for their mobile phones.

Tom is climbing over the bridge now and has to hold on to the rail with one arm.

Ed starts screaming at the other two that the number is engaged and asks them to put their phones down.

Tom now had one hand on the guns and one on the rail. His mobile phone starts to ring in his top pocket; he has either to drop the guns or let go of the rail to answer the phone.

The shot freezes.




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