>> I/ Scary Movie I


: I/ Scary Movie I.

I/ Scary Movie I


Modest home on the outskirts of town where no one can hear you scream, HALLOWEEN NIGHT.



She grabs a tin skillet of "Jiffy Pop" and puts it on the lit stove.


She answers.

DREW Hello.

A raspy male voice with a southern accent familiar to most Americans.

V.O. BILL Hey baby, what are you wearing? I got a new box of cigars I want you to:

DREW Hi Bill. Look, I can't talk right now.

V.O. BILL Aw, come on. It took two bottles of Wild Turkey to get Hillary to sleep. Can't you just talk for a minute?

DREW I'm sorry. I can't. I got company coming any second.

V.O. BILL Alright, well give me a kiss.

She blows him a kiss.

V.O. BILL (CONT'D) Remember baby, who's yo daddy!

A long tongue comes through the phone and licks her face.

She slams down the phone.

DREW Pervert.

Phone rings again.

DREW Look Bill, I told you:

SCARY VOICE Who's Bill? Is that your boyfriend?

DREW Who is this?

SCARY VOICE Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

DREW I don't think so.

SCARY VOICE What's that noise?

DREW Oops, I farted, I didn't think you would hear me.

SCARY VOICE No, that popping noise.

DREW Oh, I'm making popcorn. I'm getting ready to watch a video.

SCARY VOICE Really? What's it called?

DREW Big black jocks: it's my favorite. There's this guy in it, Jimmy dang a lang. He's hung like:

SCARY VOICE What about scary movies? Do you have a favorite?

DREW Oh. Uhh: The one where the girl gets harassed on the phone. (she passes a "Scream" poster)

A beat.

SCARY VOICE You have a nice voice, and you look good in that tight blue sweater.

DREW (frightened) Oh my God! You can see me? I haven't even finished putting on my make-up!

She hangs up, runs to a mirror, starts fixing her hair and puts on lipstick.

Phone rings. She doesn't answer. It stops. Suddenly her pager goes off. Page reads "Killer 911". Drew screams. Then the computer voice says "You have a threat."

Phone rings again. Drew answers.

SCARY VOICE Don't ever hang up on me again!

DREW What do you want?

SCARY VOICE To see you split up the middle.

DREW Sorry, I don't do G-strings.

She hangs up. The phone rings immediately.

DREW Look you asshole. My boyfriend's gonna be here any second, and he plays football, and he'll kick the shit out of you.

SCARY VOICE Oh, really? Turn on the porch lights.

Drew turns on the porch light.

We see a TEENAGE BOY strapped to a chair, his mouth covered with duct tape.

DREW That's not my boyfriend. I fucked him a couple of times. But that's all.

The lights go out.

DREW Look, I'm calling the cops.

SCARY VOICE You might want to check the back door first. You forgot to lock it.

She screams and drops the phone in horror. She races to the back door.


We see a SHADOWY FIGURE also running to the back door.


She gets there one step ahead of the shadowy figure and locks the door, then chains it, then puts "The Club" over the doorknob.

Drew backs away from the door in terror. The figure disappears. The suspense mounts:

DING DONG! The doorbell. Drew is frozen in fear - who is it?

She punches 9-1-1 on her cordless, then puts the receiver to her ear.

SCARY VOICE (from phone) Aren't you going to answer the door?

DREW Please:stop:

SCARY VOICE What's the matter, Drew? Not having fun anymore?




SCARY VOICE It could be your friends. It's been ten minutes.


She moves to the front door slowly, then grabs a baseball bat out of the hall closet.

DREW (gripping bat) I'm not afraid of you:

SCARY VOICE Then open the door.

She raises the bat, then closes her eyes and flings the door open.

With eyes still closed, she flails away with the bat.


BANG! THUD! CRUNCH! She connects with several swings.

She opens her eyes to find three LITTLE TRICK OR TREATERS, now lying knocked out on the front porch.


She apologetically tosses the children candy, which only lands uselessly next to their broken arms.

The children GROAN in pain as she closes the door.

LITTLE BOY I can't feel my legs:


Drew locks the door. As she turns, we see the KILLER - right behind her.

The Killer has on Scream attire.

He raises a wicked looking knife and creeps up behind her.

KILLER Hello Drew.

Drew freezes in her tracks - it's the same scary voice from the phone..

She turns to see the Killer and SCREAMS!

Drew takes off running, the Killer in pursuit. She goes out the front door.


Killer follows her at the casual horror movie pace.

Drew sees a sign. It reads: SAFETY (Left arrow), DEATH (Right arrow). She runs to the right. Drew running. She stumbles.


The killer is right behind, still walking at a casual pace.

Drew looks over her shoulder. No matter how fast she runs, the killer keeps getting closer.

Reveal Drew is on a treadmill. It stops. She checks her pulse, takes off running.

Killer catches up.

The Killer grabs her sweater. She slips out of it exposing her bouncy bra clad breasts.

The chase continues. The Killer grabs her skirt. She slips out of it.

Drew, in full sprint, in only a bra and panties, her hair short and wild. The sprinklers come on spraying her with water.


Drew looks seductively at the camera as she shakes the water from her hair, continuing to seduce the lens as she caresses her breasts and runs her fingers through her hair.

Back to normal, the Killer closes in. He grabs her around the neck, raises his knife, plunges it into her chest.



Drew, wounded, continues to run with one deflated breast, the other normal.

Drew sees headlights in the distance. She runs towards the car.

The killer wipes the implant off his knife and gives chase.

Drew standing on the road waving her arms at an oncoming car.

DREW Daddy, mommy, help! Help me!


DAD is driving, obviously not paying attention to the road, slams into Drew, sending her flying.

MOM pops up from DAD'S lap.

MOM Did you hear something?

DAD Nah, I didn't hear nothing.

He pushes her head back down into his lap.

Drew, lying on the road semi-conscious, the Killer standing over her.

The Killer kneels and straddles her.



Cindy typing on her computer, a noise outside her window.

Cindy looks at her window.

Theme music from Dawson's Creek plays as a MALE CAST MEMBER climbs through the window.

Cast member realizing he's in the wrong place.

DAWSON CAST MEMBER Sorry, wrong set.

He leaves through the adjacent window.

Enter Bobby.

CINDY Bobby, what are you doing? My dad's in the other room.

BOBBY It just occurred to me I never climbed in your window before.

CINDY Well, now that you got it out of your system:


The bedroom door bursts open. The doorknob catches on the open closet door jamming it, holding it in place.

Cindy's dad looks through the partially opened door.

DAD What's going on in there?

CINDY Can you knock?

DAD I thought I heard screaming.

CINDY No, you didn't.

DAD Must have been those 'shrooms I had earlier. Look, I gotta leave town. A recent business venture went bad, some money came up missing. I gotta lay low for a while. If a man named Tito calls, tell him to page me. If they raid the place:

CINDY I never heard of you.

DAD And don't forget:

CINDY :to flush your stash.

DAD If you need some money, I left a little something in the coffee can. Be sure to cut it or somebody's gonna O.D.

CINDY Have a good trip.

DAD Sleep tight sweetie.

Cindy closes the door.

CINDY That was close.

BOBBY I was home watching "The Exorcist", and it got me thinking of you.

CINDY If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party.

BOBBY No, the movie was edited for T.V. All the good stuff was cut out.

CINDY So you thought you would just climb through my window and we would play bump bump?

As they talk, a YOUNG STREET HOOD climbs in the window and starts loading things into a sack, no one notices.

BOBBY Well, I was hoping to get my balls licked but I wouldn't dream of breaking your underwear rule. I just thought we might do some "on top of the clothes" stuff.

She snuggles up to him.

CINDY Okay, just for a minute.

They kiss and lay back on the bed. He lifts up her nighty, slides his hand between her legs. She spreads her legs.

He feels a shock.


Instead of elastic, tiny barbed wire runs along the perimeter. There's also a zapping electrified fence and a sign reading: NO TRESPASSING.

BOBBY I see.

Undeterred, he kisses her again.


CINDY (Breaking the kiss) Okay stud, you have to go now.

They stand and walk to the window.

CINDY (CONT'D) I appreciate the romantic gesture.

She takes his finger and puts it in her mouth sucking it slowly.

He takes his finger out of her mouth - it's now three times its' normal size and THROBBING.

BOBBY See what you do to me?

He starts to climb out the window.

CINDY Hey, would you settle for PG-13?

She opens her top, exposing her chest.

We see eight tiny little titties.

The shock sends Bobby falling out of the window.

CINDY (CONT'D) Goodnight:


Close on compact car. Bumper sticker reads "Save the Environment". Pull back reveal smoke billowing out of the exhaust.

Cindy arrives. Brandy meets her curbside.

BRANDY Come on, girl, move your tired white ass.

Cindy gathering her books and purse from the car.

CINDY I'm coming.

BRANDY Move your pasty white, milk chalky, bologna smelling, cracker devil, honky bit:

CINDY Hello?!

BRANDY I'm sorry girl. I rented "Amistad" last night. I got issues. It's cool. Come on, we're gonna be late.

They start to walk to class, when Cindy sees Buffy arriving via Daddy's new Mercedes.

CINDY Wait, there's Buffy.

BRANDY I don't know why you hang out with her. She's such a ho.

CINDY Why do you say that?

BRANDY Cause I've seen her. My friend Sean had a pool party this summer.


BRANDY You know, Puff Daddy.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Anyways, everybody was drinking Crystal champagne. Then it started to get wild, people was getting freaky in the pool and stuff. I looked over and there was your girl getting buck wild in the Jacuzzi.


BRANDY With a backup dancer! That's lower than a security guard! At least security can get you backstage.

CINDY I think Buffy is sweet.

BRANDY She's as fake as press on nails.

They greet Buffy.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Hey girl, what's up?

Brandy and Buffy kiss as though they were best friends.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Hey, lookin' good, love your hair!

BUFFY Thanks, just got it done.

Cindy waves goodbye to Buffy's dad as he drives off.

CINDY Bye Mr. Gilmore!

BUFFY (not looking back) Is he gone?


Buffy rips off her clothes, revealing a sexy outfit underneath. She lets her hair down and with a shake of her head, a new do, worthy of a sex kitten.


The girls walk together towards campus.

Brandy passes her a makeup pack. Buffy applies her makeup. Cindy passes her the lipstick. Two strokes and the transformation from Daddy's baby to every high school guy's wet dream is complete.

BUFFY I love this color!

CINDY Let me see that.

Cindy checks the label.

CINDY (CONT'D) You guys shouldn't use this brand.

BRANDY Why not?

CINDY Because they test their make-up on animals.


CINDY Have you seen what they do to those poor animals?

Cindy shows them a flyer that reads "Stop Animal Testing". A picture of a monkey in full make-up.

BUFFY (taking back the lipstick) Well, I'm more of a people person.

BUFFY (CONT'D) I'd rather help my fellow man than some animal.

A homeless man approaches.

HOMELESS MAN Spare a dollar?

BUFFY Get away from me you bum!

CINDY Buffy!? Can't you see that he's just hungry?

Cindy gives the man a sandwich from her lunch bag.

CINDY Here you go. A nice sandwich.

The girls walk away. Suddenly, Cindy is hit in the back of the head by the sandwich.

HOMELESS MAN (V.O.) I said a dollar bitch!

The girls attention is distracted by a commotion on campus.

BUFFY God, look at this place, it's a circus!



In the midst of the chaos, we pan around to see various reporters attempting to report the story. Close on young attractive overly ambitious woman, GAIL HAILSTORM, syndicated talk show host and author.

Gail is giving an update on camera. Behind her an obnoxious KID is mugging for the camera.

GAIL Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened.

KID in background is hamming it up.

GAIL (CONT'D) A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead.

KID really performing for the camera. Gail, annoyed, turns and shoots the kid.

GAIL (CONT'D) Correction, two teens dead.

Next reporter, straight laced WHITE MALE.

WHITE MALE REPORTER Police are searching for clues.


Then a BLACK MALE REPORTER, barely outside of his van, hurriedly gives his report.

BLACK MALE REPORTER Reporting live for Black TV. White folks are dead, and we are about to get the hell out of here! Let's roll, Jack.

His crew jumps in the van and they burn out.


BRANDY Do you believe this?

CINDY What happened?

BUFFY Didn't you hear? Drew Decker got killed last night.

CINDY (disturbed) What? Oh my God! She sits next to me in English class.

BRANDY Was she a friend?

CINDY No, I was gonna cheat off her test today. Now I'm like fucked! Do they know who did it?

BRANDY Clueless.

BUFFY They showed a picture of her body on the news. It was pretty scary.

CINDY All the blood?

BUFFY No, she was wearing a Gucci sweater and Payless shoes! That's such a fashion disaster! Do you think the press is going to interview us?

BRANDY No way. The press only want to interview the most ignorant person they can find.


The media is surrounding a young black teen sporting a short black afro with a pick sticking out, a hemp emblemed t-shirt and a roach clip on a chain around his neck. He smiles, revealing a gold cap on a rotting tooth. His name is SHORTY.

REPORTER Can we have a word with you?

SHORTY Oh shit, I'm on TV. I wanna give a shout out to Shane and dem! Peace to my peeps, much love to the east and west, Tasha, wake up, the baby's daddy is a staraah!!

REPORTER What can you tell us about Drew Decker?

SHORTY She got a fat ass, kid! Ya know what I mean?


Shorty stands smoking a fat joint, looking up at two billboard ads. One reads, "Just Say No." The other, a Nike ad that reads, "Just Do It." He looks back and forth between the two. Heavily contemplating both messages. Finally, he looks down at his own tennis shoes. Then back up to the Nike ad.

SHORTY Yo, son, I'm with you. Just do that shit.

He takes a long drag off his joint and exits.


Shorty and his HOMIES kick it up on the school lawn. Getting high and tripping off Drew's death.

SHORTY Yo, son, that's fucked up that Drew got killed.

HOMIE #1 Word.

SHORTY I didn't even get to fuck her.

HOMIE #2 True dat. True dat.

SHORTY I'm just glad that it wasn't one of us.

HOMIE #1 Word?

SHORTY Yo, son, don't you know? A brotha' never lasts long in these types of situations.

HOMIE #2 True dat. True dat.

SHORTY Kid, in the most successful horror flicks, most niggas don't even make it to the credits, yo.

HOMIE #1 Word.

SHORTY That's why we as a people have to come together and show up to the movies on time if we want to see our black people die. If you stop to get a forty, you could miss the whole thing.

HOMIE #2 True dat. True dat.

SHORTY 'Cause you know they ain't gone never let us play the homeopathic killer.

HOMIE #1 Word.

SHORTY Oh, sure there's that one cat, Candyman, but they don't even let that brotha wear a mask. Why not? Jason, Michael Myers, even the Phantom of the Grand Ole Opry covers half his face.

HOMIE #2 True dat. True dat.

SHORTY But see, the thing is, they don't fit a description. On the other hand, without a mask, they could easily stick my man Candy in a line up and frame him for some trumped up bullshit. You see what I'm saying?

HOMIE #1 Uh, word?

SHORTY And tell me this, why he always got to be on C.P. time?

SHORTY You've got to call the brotha' repetitiously before he even shows up. Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! Nigga' you hear me callin you. Bring your pimp lookin ass on. Off chasing white girls. That's what got your hands cut off in the first place. Which brings me to my point, son.

The two stare at him in confused silence.

SHORTY (CONT'D) (as if it were obvious) Yo, it all started with a white girl. So you know what that means.

Continued silence.

SHORTY (CONT'D) Drew's dead. We black. Candy. Man. It's so obvious, kid.

Blank stares.

SHORTY (CONT'D) I've got the munchies like a mutha' fucka'.

Suddenly clarity registers with the homies.

HOMIE #1 Word.

HOMIE #2 True dat. True dat.


The girls enter.

V.O. Hey ladies!

The girls turn to see SHORTY, young African American, cute, in an awkward kind of way.

CINDY Hi Shorty.

BRANDY Talk to the hand.

She puts her hand in his face.


CINDY Can't Shorty.

SHORTY Oh well, you force me to open it up to hundreds of other girls who would die for the opportunity, but just because I like you guys, I'm gonna wait till lunch before I go public. See ya at the fountain.

Shorty heads to class.

BUFFY Whatever! What a geek!

CINDY I think Shorty is cute. If I wasn't dating Bobby, I would go out with him.

BRANDY Shit girl, Bobby lives in a trailer. Dating Shorty would be a step up.

CINDY If how much money a guy has is so important, why are you dating Ray?

BRANDY First of all, look at him. He's 100% man.


Ray and Greg standing at lockers.

Ray takes off his shirt, exposing his muscular upper body. He slips on a ty-dyed tank top.

RAY Yo, man, this shirt make me look gay.


Ray ties the lower part of the tank top in a knot and rolls it above his navel.

RAY How about now?

Back to girls.

BRANDY Besides, the boys got potential, girl. Ray runs a 4.4 40, has a 3.5 GPA and he's being scouted by every major college in the country. If he stays healthy, we're talking multi million dollar contract and that's not including endorsements. Now Greg on the other hand, that's somebody else's mess.

BUFFY I'll admit, the pro's is a long shot for Greg. He's been injured twice and he's not that bright.


Greg slamming his head into the lockers, obviously upset about something.

BUFFY (CONT'D) And the only way we'll see him in prime time in on "Cops". But for now, he's the hottest guy in the school and even if I don't want him, I'm not going to let anyone else have him.

The girls meet up with Greg and Ray at the lockers.

BRANDY Hey baby.

Brandy kisses Ray.

BUFFY What's the matter, honey?

GREG I got my report card.

He hands it to Buffy.


BUFFY At least you got one "A".

GREG Yeah, I did huh?

CINDY Anybody seen Bobby?

RAY Nah. That kid is late every day. I don't get it. He lives so close.


Bobby exits, books in hand. Pull back to reveal the trailer is parked in the school parking lot.


Bobby joins the gang sitting at the fountain.

BOBBY Hey guys. Hey Cind.

Bobby kisses Cindy.

BOBBY (CONT'D) You guys see all the reporters out there? They say that girl Drew Decker got killed last night.

RAY I think I knew her. She had a brother named Steve, pretty eyes, long hair, perfect ass.

BOBBY Yeah, that was her.

RAY No, I was talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?

BOBBY I don't know.

CINDY Hey, do you guys think it's strange that she got killed exactly one year after we, you know, killed that guy?

GREG Hey, it was an accident.

CINDY Was it?


GREG Hey dude. Nobody drives my car but me! Well, except for that big black guy that car jacked me last month, he drove it, but other than that, nobody drives my car but me. Okay, there was that one time the dope man had it for a week because I owed him for a bag of weed, but other than that:

CINDY You know cars are only to make guys feel more secure about the size of their penises.

GREG What's that supposed to mean?

Bobby takes the keys from Greg.

BOBBY She's kidding, come on.

Greg approaches Buffy.

GREG Why did you tell Cindy about it?

BUFFY I didn't say anything.

GREG Then why did she make that comment?

BUFFY Greg, you know I would never tell anyone our little secret.

She kisses him. Cindy walks by. She holds up her pinky. Buffy giggles.

They get in the car and drive off.


Bobby and Cindy in the front, the other two couples in the back.

The two couples are making out.

Greg opens a bottle of liquor.

Greg takes a sip, then another. Slowly, he starts to feel good.

GREG Hey, let's put on some music.

Ray pulls a tape out of his pocket.

RAY Here, put this on.

Bobby puts in the tape.

The song "It's Raining Men" blares out speakers. Everyone looks at Ray.

RAY (CONT'D) Hey, it's a classic.

GREG Let's put on the radio.

Greg ejects the tape and finds a station. Loud rock music fills the car.

GREG Now that's more like it. Yeah.

Greg nods to the music.

GREG (CONT'D) (yelling) AYOO!!!

Greg stands up, pokes his head through the sunroof, takes another swig of liquor and yells as he enjoys the wind against his face.


Ray and Brandy in the back are really going at it hot and heavy.

BOBBY (adjusting the rear view mirror) Look at what they're doing.

CINDY Bobby, keep your eyes on the road.

BOBBY When are we gonna do stuff like that?

CINDY One day.

Bobby unzips his pants.

CINDY What are you doing?

BOBBY I just want you to touch it.


Greg yelling. This time in tears as he realizes he is about to be hit by a low hanging branch.

Thud. His head goes reeling.


Cindy gingerly touching Bobby's crotch. He closes his eyes momentarily.

BOBBY Oh yeah.

Suddenly, Greg's liquor bottle comes falling through the sunroof, crashing against Cindy's head, sending her face down into Bobby's lap.

BOBBY (CONT'D) (shocked) Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about.

Bobby lays his seat back.


Greg's head, passing through the tree branches, emerges with a bee hive wrapped around his face. He desperately tries to remove it.


It looks like a wild orgy.

Bobby steering with his bare feet.

Cindy trying to raise her head but is being stepped on by Greg.


Greg finally removes the hive. He sees something in the road.

GREG Look out!


Bobby hears Greg's scream. He too sees something. Bobby swerves to avoid it.

BOBBY Oh my God!

The car goes spinning out of control before it finally comes to a stop.

BOBBY (CONT'D) What was that?

CINDY I think we hit something.


Everyone gets out of the car.

Buffy finds a boot.

BUFFY Oh my God! We hit a boot!

They see a man lying unconscious in the road.

CINDY Ahh! It's a body!

RAY Is he alive?

BOBBY I don't know.

BUFFY Let me check:

Buffy kneels next to the body.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Hey mister, you want a blow job?

No answer.

BUFFY (CONT'D) He's dead. What are we gonna do?

She quickly backs up and joins the rest of the group.

The man slowly starts to gain consciousness. The kids don't see him, caught up in their own drama.

CINDY We have to call the police.

RAY No way, I ain't going to jail.

CINDY We have to.

GREG Do you know what happens to a young boy in prison? All those sex starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat.

RAY You're right. Maybe we should call the police.

Behind them we see the man sit up. He calls out to them.

MAN That's not necessary. I'm fine.

They can't hear him. They're too busy yelling at each other.

BOBBY Think about it, Ray. If you do that you ruin the rest of this movie. This is your chance to crossover, Ray.

RAY White girls?!

Bobby nods yes.

RAY (CONT'D) What do we do first?

BOBBY We'll hide the body.

CINDY I won't have anything to do with this.

In the background, the man is now standing, brushes himself off and calls out to the group again.

MAN I guess I'll be going now.

Again he's ignored. He shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away.

BUFFY What about the alcohol?

GREG We'll get rid of it.

Greg tosses the bottle over his shoulder. It crashes the man on the head, knocking him out. He flops back on to the road, just as the group turns to look at him.

GREG (CONT'D) Now let's get him in the trunk. Move the car closer.

As the three of them talk among themselves, one of them gets in the car and backs it up. The Man sits up again, shaking his head clear.

He gets up just as the car backs up into him. Knocked unconscious again, he falls flat on the road. Just then, the kids turn around.

BOBBY We'll throw him in the ocean.

They throw him in the trunk and look at each other as they talk.

BOBBY (CONT'D) We'll go down to Steveson and dump him in there. The sharks will take care of the evidence.

The Man wakes up again in the trunk, but the kids aren't looking at him.

Not looking at him, Brandy slams the trunk lid down on the Man's head.

Greg tries slamming it down again and again.


They get him out of the trunk and carry him over to the edge of the road, which is overlooking the ocean.

CINDY Wait. Shouldn't we check his wallet?

BUFFY For what?

BRANDY Shit, he might have some money. We already committed murder. Might as well rob his ass.

BOBBY Good idea. I'll take credit cards.

BRANDY I want the jewelry.

RAY I'll take his underwear.

They finish stripping the man then toss his naked body over the side.

GREG We must never mention this again.

CINDY Mention what?

GREG The guy we just killed.

CINDY Well, you just mentioned it.

GREG Starting now.


BOBBY That's all behind us now, Cindy, we have to move on.

GREG Yeah, it's just a coincidence.

BUFFY Greg's right, Cindy. I mean what do you think we're in, a horror movie?

Cindy relaxes and smiles.

CINDY Yeah, if it were, they'd probably cast some ding-bat like Jennifer Love "Huge-Tits" to play me.

They share a laugh as the bell rings and everyone heads to class.


Skate boarders cruise by, followed by guy with no legs on a skate board.

Cindy walks toward building, she passes Gail's news van.

Kenny sees Cindy. He knocks at the van. Gail answers from inside.

GAIL V.O. I'm putting on my make up.

Kenny opens the van door.

Gail turns around. We see a decrepit old woman.

GAIL Close the goddamn door!

Kenny, horrified, slams the door.


Gail trying to get information from the sheriff.

GAIL Sheriff, can I get a statement?

SHERIFF No comment.

Gail spots Doofy and approaches him.

GAIL Hi, Gail Hailstorm, field reporter, Hard Story.

DOOFY Special Officer Doofy.

GAIL Is there a problem on campus?

DOOFY Not while Doofy's on the job.

GAIL Well, of course not, handsome.

He salutes her and a student walking by and smacks his hat off his head. He scrambles for it, then resumes his composure.

DOOFY (embarrassed) You shouldn't be here.

GAIL I know. I should be on my knees covering the next presidential election. But who knew?

She tickles Doofy. He farts.

DOOFY Excuse me.

GAIL You look awfully young to be a police officer.

DOOFY I'm twenty-five and a half years old. That's this many.

He spreads his fingers on his hands twice. Then once on one hand and gives her a bent thumbs up.

GAIL You know, I prove to be most popular with males eleven to twenty-four. And most prison lesbians. Of course, you don't look a day over twelve. Except for that big head and glazed over look in your eyes. Ooh, look a little drool.

DOOFY Yeah, sometimes I forget to swallow.

GAIL Don't worry, I never do.

She tickles him again and he farts again.

GAIL (CONT'D) Remind me not to do that again.

Suddenly they are interrupted by an announcement.

PRINCIPAL V.O. Hello, due to the recent events, a curfew has been placed effective immediately.

GAIL Sounds like we've got a serial killer on our hands.

DOOFY That's official police business.

GAIL Are there any suspects?

DOOFY I can't say mama.

Gail notices Doofy's large penis.

GAIL I say, that's a mighty big night stick you got there.

DOOFY My mom says I can't play with it cause I might poke someone's eye out.

GAIL I can see how that could happen. Say, what do you say we go back to my van and get to know each other a little better?



Cindy and Buffy enter. Cindy notices something immediately.

A bird in a cage.

CINDY You see? This is the kind of cruelty I'm talking about. What's an animal doing in here?

STUDENT He's our mascot. We adopted him.

CINDY No way. This animal is supposed to be free and spread his wings.

Cindy opens the cage and removes the bird. She walks over to the window.

STUDENT What are you doing?

CINDY Setting him free.

She tosses the bird out the window.

CINDY (CONT'D) Fly, little birdy, soar little fella.

STUDENT You asshole, his wings were broken. We were nursing him back to health!

The bird falls to it's death.

CINDY Oops! My bad.


A frumpy woman, MISS TATE, faces the class. Tragic look on her face.

MISS TATE A terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss. It's days like today we need prayer in school.

Pull back. Reveal she is breast feeding a baby. She removes the baby from her breast, hands it to a nerdy fifteen year old student.

MISS TATE (CONT'D) Here, go to your daddy.

MISS TATE (CONT'D) Okay class, we've been discussing the constitution this week. Who would like to give their oral presentation first?

Young girl excitedly raises her hand.

MISS TATE Okay, Heather.

Heather runs to the front of the class.

HEATHER My presentation is on the First Amendment, which protects freedom of speech.


Cindy is distracted by something outside the window. A man wearing a mask and Scream attire looking at her. He ducks behind a tree when she looks.

Cindy turns her head quickly to the class then quickly back to the window, catching the killer as he steps from behind the tree.

Killer freezes.

Cindy and killer play peek-a-boo, finally he disappears.

Cindy notices a note on her desk. She opens it.

Note reads: "I know what you did last Halloween".


Flashback to romantic picnic in the park.


Cindy smiles, finds a second note.

Note reads: "No, bitch, I'm talkin' about the guy you killed".

Cindy's face struck with terror.

Back to Heather who's been talking the whole time.

HEATHER That's whats so important about the First Amendment. It gives us the right to say what we want without fear of retaliation

Smack! Heather goes flying.

MISS TATE Aw, shut the fuck up and sit down.

A student enters the class and hands Miss Tate a note.

MISS TATE (CONT'D) Cindy, you're next. The sheriff's ready to see you.

Cindy grabs her books and exits.


The LOCAL SHERIFF, a short pudgy balding man, late 40's, and the SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, Mr. Fonzy, mid 40's, average looking, nice guys, waiting to interrogate the next student.

SHERIFF So, who's next?

PRINCIPAL Cindy Campbell. She's the daughter of, you know:

He makes an obscene gesture with his hand and mouth.

SHERIFF Oh, you mean Mrs:

Sheriff makes an obscene gesture poking his finger in and out of a circle.

PRINCIPAL That's right, old Mrs:

Another gesture, more graphic.

SHERIFF The one and only.

Sheriff starts humping the air and climbs on the desk. He starts having simulated sex. He gets so into it he brings himself to climax just as Cindy enters.

PRINCIPAL Hello Cindy.

Sheriff recovers himself, lights a cigarette and greets Cindy. He has a big wet spot in the front of his pants.

CINDY Principal Fonzy. Hello Sheriff.

Cindy takes a seat. She greets ANOTHER MAN who has just entered, his name is DOOFY, let's call him "slow", late teens, early 20's. He wears a make-shift police uniform.

CINDY (CONT'D) Hello Doofy.

DOOFY That's Officer Doofy today, Cind.

PRINCIPAL Cindy, we'd like to ask you some questions.

Sheriff annoyed by something.

SHERIFF What's that God awful smell?

DOOFY I go poopy.

SHERIFF Get him outta here.

PRINCIPAL Doofy, it's time to go back to special ed. Maybe the sheriff will let you play later, ok.


Doofy exits. SHERIFF So, how are you Cindy?

CINDY Fine, Sheriff and yourself?

SHERIFF Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut, you know, the usual. So we wanna ask you a few questions about Drew Decker.


The football team is practicing on the field.


Ray calls the play.

RAY 25 dive play on 2. Break!

They clap hands, break huddle and set formation.

Ray at the quarterback position steps up behind the center who is bent over ready to hike the ball.

RAY (CONT'D) 24, 25, 15, 22, 55, 66, 11, 45, 96, 17, 12, 37:

CENTER Hey, you gonna call hike or what?

RAY Oh, my bad! Hike! Hike!

Center snaps the ball. Ray steps back to pass, revealing he's got a hard on. He throws the ball and makes the play.

Coach blows the whistle, ending practice. The players rush to the locker room.


Players enter after a tough work out.

Ray is first. He starts to undress. Several players pass Ray and he congratulates each of them with a pat on the ass.

RAY Hey Murphy, nice catch. Dugan, good block. Johnson, what a move. Woodward, nice ass.

Woodward looks at him strange, continues on.

Ray heads to the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. He notices Greg lingering.

RAY (CONT'D) Hey Greg, you comin'?

GREG In a minute, I'm gonna work out first.

RAY Okay: Alright, guys, last one in is a rotten egg.

Ray snatches off his towel, playfully swatting the other players.


The last of the players exit. Greg appears from behind the locker wearing just a towel. He makes sure the place is empty. Greg walks to the showers, very careful to keep his towel wrapped around him until he's safely inside one of the stalls. Even then, he surreptitiously looks around to make sure no one's around before removing the towel.

Greg approaches his locker and sees a Polaroid photograph sticking out of it. He pulls it out and looks at it. It's a photo of his tiny penis with the words "I Know" written underneath. Greg freaks.

GREG (yelling and searching the empty locker room) Where are you?! Who did this?! This isn't funny, all right? - a small dick's like a disability, man! Would you make fun of somebody in a wheelchair? Huh? Would you, you sick fuck?

In the locker room, you see a kid in a wheelchair pushed by another student real fast into the lockers, ala "Slingblade".

GREG (CONT'D) Where are you, you chicken shit?

As he continues his ranting and his search, we:



Cindy exits.

Brandy joins Cindy.

BRANDY Hey girl, you okay?

CINDY Yeah, just that some strange things have been going on today.

Suddenly, Brandy's cell phone rings. She answers. Terror crosses her face.

BRANDY Hello. Who is this? What do you want from me? No please stop! I'm gonna call the police if you don't stop calling me!

She hangs up, visibly shaken.

BRANDY (CONT'D) It was him again! He keeps harassing me, sending me notes, calling me on the phone. I'm so scared!

CINDY The killer?

BRANDY No, M.C. Hammer!

Brandy spots girls approaching.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Aw, shit, I hope that tramp ain't coming over here.

CINDY Who, Tanya?

BRANDY I don't like her cause she's phoney. I'm talking faker than a swap meet hair weave.

Tanya arrives. Again hugs and kisses from Brandy.

BRANDY (CONT'D) What's happenin'? Girl, I ain't seen you in ages.

TANYA Right, since the video. Listen, I just wanted to know if you guys were coming to the pageant tonight.

BRANDY Aw, I can't. I gotta study.


(V.O.) BUFFY She's going to cheer for me.

Buffy joins the girls.

TANYA Oh, I see. Well, whatever. Good luck, Buff.

Buffy gives a fake smile. Tanya walks away.

BUFFY (under her breath) Slut.

TANYA (under her breath) Ho.


Bobby, Cindy, Ray, Brandy, Buffy, Shorty are sitting around the fountain, discussing the murder.

CINDY The police asked me a whole lot of questions.

BRANDY Yeah, my brother Shorty is still in there.

Shorty approaches.

SHORTY Yo, yo , what's up?

RAY How'd it go with the police?

SHORTY They tried to intimidate a brother but I told them I don't talk to pigs and I ain't dropping dime on nobody. I just told them where they could shove it.

Shorty reveals he has a plunger sticking out of his ass.

BOBBY They asked me if I knew how to hunt.

BUFFY That's funny, they asked me if I like it doggie style.

CINDY It's a shame how she died. She was such a nice girl.

BUFFY You know she used to babysit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.

SHORTY Hey, didn't Greg used to go out with her?

BUFFY What are you saying? Greg killed her?

SHORTY No, but it makes him a suspect.

BUFFY Oh, yeah, where were you last night?

SHORTY I was chillin' at the crib watching an ill kung fu flick called Tae Bo. There was this ugly ass brother and he looked like a burnt up Keenen Ivory Wayans but the ill shit is, he didn't fight nobody he just warmed up the whole time.

SHORTY (CONT'D) What did you do last night?

BUFFY I was in bed all night.

SHORTY Can you prove it?

BUFFY Sure I can, right guys?

Cut to the entire football team. They all nod yes.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Here comes Greg. Now let's see what he thinks of your suspect theory.

Greg approaches. He's pissed. He goes after Ray.

GREG Ray, you're a dead man!

Greg rushes toward ray. Bobby stops him.

BOBBY Easy Greg. What's the problem?

GREG I'll tell you the problem!

Greg shows Bobby the picture of his penis. The words written "I Know" written on it.

BOBBY Oh, wow! This is you? Oh fuck!

Bobby starts to laugh uncontrollably.

GREG Hey, the shower was cold!

BRANDY Let me see.

Bobby passes her the picture.

Brandy starts laughing, passes it to Buffy, who passes it to Ray and Shorty who burst into laughter.

BRANDY (CONT'D) My God, how do you even give him head?

BUFFY I don't. I just use it to pick my teeth.

GREG My nuts are big, they just make my dick look small.

They all laugh. Greg realizes what he's started.

The photo keeps changing hands. Everyone laughing.

TWO CHINESE GUYS are looking at the photo.

CHINESE GUY Now that's a little dick.

GREG It's a Polaroid! There's no dimension!

A LITTLE PERSON gets a look, cracks up, tosses it, it lands in a baby carriage.

LITTLE BABY laughing at photo tosses it.

TWO MICE look at photo, laughing.

Back to Greg.

GREG (CONT'D) All of you can go to hell!

CINDY Greg, you're not the only one who got one.

GREG Bobby's got a baby dick too?

CINDY No, I was talking about the note. I got one too.

Everyone stops laughing. Cindy shows them the note.

CINDY (CONT'D) Somebody knows.

GREG Bullshit. Somebody's just trying to fuck with us.

CINDY I think we should go to the police.

Greg grabs Cindy around the throat.

GREG You talk and I'll kill you myself.

BOBBY Greg, chill, you're hurting her.

Greg lets go.

SHORTY Somebody want to tell me what that was all about?

CINDY Forget it, Shorty. You've already heard too much.

Bell rings. Everyone walks off, leaving Shorty standing confused.


Sign reads "Miss Teen Beauty Pageant"

M.C. on stage introduces the contestants.

M.C. And now for our finalists. Aren't they beautiful, except for that motley looking one? Hot damn, where's the muzzle?


The old hag remains confident. Two of the pretty girls run off stage, thinking the M.C. is talking about them.

M.C. (CONT'D) This is the swimsuit portion of the show, giving our judges one final look at the contestants.

First contestant, TANYA, her banner reads "Miss Congeniality". She waves as she parades across the stage.

Second contestant, black, with beaded braids, not only on her head, but under her arms and pubic hair as well. The banner reads "Miss Thang".

Third contestant is Buffy, she struts her stuff, her banner reads "Miss Fellatio".


Bobby, Cindy, and Greg watching Buffy on stage.

Greg cheers for Buffy.

GREG Whoa! That's my girl!

VOICE IN CROWD #1 Mine too!

VOICE IN CROWD #2 Yeah, I'm hittin' that too.

CINDY Hey, I'm gonna go downstairs so I can get a closer seat. I'll see you guys when it's over.

Cindy heads downstairs.

BOBBY Hey man, I'm gonna run to the head real quick. Want me to bring you back anything?

GREG Nah, I'm cool. Just hurry back. She's gonna perform first.

BOBBY Don't worry, I'll be back.



M.C. And now for the question in the spirit of Mother Theresa. What will be your contribution to society contestant #1?

TANYA I will heal the sick, feed the poor, and never change my dress.

M.C. moves down the line.

MISS THANG Like Martin Luther King once said, "Can't we all just get along?"

BUFFY I thought we discussed this last night in your hotel room. You said if I:

M.C. cuts her off.

M.C. Let's go to the talent portion of the show. Let's welcome contestant #3, Buffy Gilmore.

Buffy crosses the stage.

M.C. (CONT'D) Okay, Buffy, tell us what is your talent this evening?

BUFFY Acting. I'll be doing a dramatic reading.


GREG Yeah, baby, yeah!


M.C. Miss Buffy Gilmore doing a dramatic reading.

M.C. steps offstage.

Buffy gathers herself, about to start, the audience is quiet.

Buffy glances up to the balcony for one last reassuring smile from Greg.

Suddenly, through the glare of the lights, she sees the killer sneaking up behind Greg.

BUFFY Look out Greg! Look behind you! It's him! It's the killer!


Too late. The killer grabs Greg and begins his brutal attack.

BUFFY Oh my God! Somebody do something! He's killing him!

The audience and judges murmuring and nodding. Their impressed. "She's good". No one realizes it's not a performance.

BUFFY (CONT'D) You fucking bastards! Why won't anyone help?! Someone call an ambulance! Greg hold on!

Buffy runs off stage.

The audience gives her a standing ovation.

M.C. What a wonderful reading, ladies and gentlemen! I think we have a winner, Ms. Buffy Gilmore!


Buffy trying to get to Greg. She is stopped by one of the contestants.

TANYA You have to go back on stage!

BUFFY I have to get to Greg.

TANYA But you won! They're calling your name.

BUFFY I won?


CINDY Buffy, what happened? What about Greg?

BUFFY Fuck Greg! I won!

TANYA Congratulations.

BUFFY Outta my way, loser.

Buffy pushes the contestant out of her way and rushes back to the stage.


The crowd applauds. Buffy waves. The former Miss Teen approaches with a bouquet of roses.

BUFFY Give me my crown bitch!

Buffy snatches the crown off her head and places it on her own.

All the contestants crowd around wishing Buffy congrats.

TANYA I guess you won.

BUFFY I guess you blew the wrong judge.

MISS THANG I'm so happy for you.

BUFFY No you're not.

The M.C. starts to sing.

M.C. There she is, Miss Teen 99:

The audience applauds, tossing roses, and vases of roses.

Buffy walks down the runway. Smash! Crash! Vases crash against her head.


BOBBY There's no sign of him anywhere.

CINDY He could have taken the body.

BOBBY Impossible. There's no blood. Nothing.

Killer with bucket and mop, a plastic garbage bag with a foot sticking out.

BUFFY It's probably Greg pulling one of his dumb jokes. I'm sure he'll turn up. He's probably at my house waiting for me!

BOBBY Well, I'm gonna look around some more. Cind, you mind catching a ride with Buffy?

CINDY No problem. Call me later. Be careful.

BOBBY Don't worry. I will.


Cindy sits at the edge of her bathtub, wearing only a towel. She adds bubble bath to the running water.

She lights candles, incense, and a menorah.

She drops her towel and steps into the sudsy bath. She leans back and gives a deep sigh of relaxation.

The phone rings, startling her. She eyes the phone anxiously. RING. She picks it up.

CINDY Hello?

V.O. Hello Cindy.

CINDY (alarmed) Who is this?

V.O. It's me, Bobby. You know, your boyfriend?

She sighs, then grabs a razor a leans back to shave her legs.

CINDY Sorry, guess I'm just a little jumpy. Any sign of Greg?

V.O. BOBBY No. Do you want me to come by?

She shaves her armpits.

CINDY No, I'm just going to take a bath, then go to sleep.

She shaves her face.

V.O. BOBBY O.K. Love you.

CINDY Love you too.

She hangs up, then relaxes back into the tub, closing her eyes in tranquility.

BLOOP! BLOOP! Two of Cindy's fart bubbles rise to the surface of the water. She sighs.

She is in deep relaxation. A beat.

Phone rings startling her again.

CINDY (CONT'D) Bobby, I told you :

V.O. KILLER I know what you did on Halloween.

Cindy stands straight up in terror at the recognition of the scary voice - it's the same one from the first scene.

The bubbles form a perfect two-piece bikini over her, including straps and a bow.

Cindy slips on her nightgown and exits bathroom.


CINDY Who is this? What do you want?

V.O. KILLER To see your insides all over the floor.

Cindy runs downstairs and locks front door.


V.O. KILLER You're going to die tonight.

Blaring horn sound. Cindy is crying, panicking.

CINDY Leave me alone.

V.O. KILLER I'm going to cut:

Suddenly, her call waiting goes off.

CINDY Um, hold on, I have another call.

V.O. KILLER What..?!

Cindy clicks over.

CINDY Hello?

It's another teenager girl's voice on the other line.

V.O. JILL Hey, Cindy, it's Jill. You remember that hot blue miniskirt on sale at the mall? I bought it.

CINDY (quickly recovering) Get out: You are going to look so gorgeous! I bet Dave would ask you out if you wore that to school.

V.O. JILL No way. He's such a major hotty.

Cindy's phone beeps.

CINDY Oh my God, I totally forgot, I've got someone on the other line. I'll call you back.

Cindy clicks over.

CINDY (CONT'D) Sorry about that.

V.O. KILLER Do you think this is a game? I'm gonna gut you like a fish!

Cindy's back to freaking out again, screaming, crying, running through the house.

CINDY I'm gonna call the police if you don't:

Her phone beeps again.

CINDY (CONT'D) Hold on.

V.O. KILLER No, don't answer. My phone bill is already too high.

CINDY I'll just be a sec.

She clicks over. Another teenage girl on the line.


V.O. KAREN Cindy, it's Karen, Did you get the notes in chemistry today?

CINDY (recovering, wiping the tears) Yeah, I'll give them to you tomorrow.

Cindy's phone beeps.

CINDY (CONT'D) I gotta run.

She clicks back over.


V.O. OPERATOR Hi, this is the operator. I have a collect call from: Say your name, sir.

V.O. KILLER Homicidal Maniac.

V.O. OPERATOR Will you accept?


V.O. OPERATOR Go ahead, sir.

V.O. KILLER (to Cindy) Look you little bitch, you ever do that again and I'll rip your throat out.

CINDY My friend needed the notes.

V.O. KILLER I don't give a shit. You made me lose my train of thought.

CINDY It was something about gutting me.

V.O. KILLER Oh yeah, now I remember. I'm in the house. Do you know where I am?

Cindy walks nervously through the house. She sees something.

CINDY Ah, you're behind the couch.

KILLER (surprised) What? How'd you know?

CINDY I see your feet.

Close on Killer as he looks up.

KILLER Shit, wait a minute.

He runs out of the room.

V.O. KILLER No peeking!

V.O. KILLER (CONT'D) Ok, now where am I? You don't know, do you? Heh, heh.

Cindy rushes for the door, opens it. The Killer standing in front of her.

KILLER Hello, Cindy.

Killer swings his hook. Cindy ducks and runs.

Killer gives chase. Cindy puts a move on him. He stumbles over furniture.

Killer gets up. He starts to run and stumbles again.

KILLER (CONT'D) (to himself) I gotta stop drinking.

Cindy runs upstairs. Killer follows.


Cindy tosses a vase. It crashes against the killer's head. He keeps coming.

Cindy tosses a bicycle. The killer brushes it to the side and continues up the stairs.

KILLER P.O.V. Cindy pushing a piano down the stairs.

Killer turns and runs. Piano just misses.


Cindy enters the closet, revealing JAMIE LEE CURTIS already hiding in the corner.

JAMIE LEE Hey bitch! I'm in here.

Jamie shoves Cindy back into the hallway.


Cindy and Jamie playing tug of war with the closet door.

CINDY Let me in!

JAMIE LEE Find your own!

Killer appears at the top of the stairs.

Cindy runs to her room and locks the door.

Killer hacking away with his hook.


Cindy quickly types on her computer.

Screen: 911

Operator: What's your emergency?

Screen: White woman in trouble.

Immediately we hear police sirens closing in.

Cindy turns to the door. The chopping has stopped. She hears a noise at the window. Bobby climbing in.

BOBBY Cindy, you ok? I heard screaming.

Cindy hugs Bobby.

CINDY He was here!

BOBBY It's okay.

Cindy calms down for a moment then she notices something falling from Bobby's jacket.

A cell phone drops to the floor.

BOBBY (CONT'D) I can explain:

Then a knife and bloody gloves.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Uh:that too.

Cindy takes off running.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Cindy! Wait! Cindy!


Cindy runs to the front door and opens it. The mask of the killer is covering someone's face.

Cindy screams and attacks.

VOICE Cindy, It's me.

Cindy sees it's Doofy.


Bobby repeatedly being body slammed against the hood of a police car by Doofy.

BOBBY Help! Somebody get this moron off me!

The sheriff arrives.

DOOFY I got him sheriff!

SHERIFF It's okay, Doofy, I'll take it from here.

DOOFY I was the first to respond.

SHERIFF Whoopie for you, numb nuts. How's the girl?

DOOFY She's okay.

Sheriff walks over to Cindy.

SHERIFF You okay to come down to the station?

Cindy nods.

DOOFY I'll give you a ride.

Doofy escorts Cindy past a real police car to his kiddie, pedal-operated police car. They climb in and ride off. Doofy makes a siren noise with his mouth.

As they ride off, they pass an arriving news van.

Van stops. Gail Hailstorm rushes out, calling for the camera man.

GAIL Kenny! Camera! Now!

Gail tries to get a glimpse of Bobby as he is driven off.

GAIL (CONT'D) Who is that? Is he a suspect? Is anyone dead? Sheriff, can I get a statement?

Sheriff drives off. Gail, alone at the scene, sees Kenny approaching with a camera.

Gail goes off with Kenny.

GAIL (CONT'D) Kenny, I know you're about 50 pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that to mean move your lard sweating', bacon burpin' jello shakin' ass now!!


Bobby being led away.

BOBBY Cindy! Come on Cind! You know me!

Cindy sits at a desk alone, visibly shaken.


A policeman talking to the sheriff about Cindy.

SHERIFF How's she doing?

POLICEMAN #1 She's a little shaken up but I think she's okay.

SHERIFF Okay, I'll take it from here.

Sheriff walks over to Cindy.

SHERIFF (CONT'D) I know you've had a rough night Cindy, so I'm not going to keep you. I just want you to look at some photo's and tell me what you think.

Sheriff hands her a stack of photos.

Close in on photos. They are pictures of the sheriff wearing a pair of speedos, striking several different poses.

Cindy shakes her head no.

SHERIFF (CONT'D) Okay, you're free to go. Do you have someone picking you up?



Two young policemen talking. We see Doofy in the background.

POLICEMAN #2 Hey, guess what I just did to those hookers we busted.

POLICEMAN #1 No way.

POLICEMAN #2 All the way. Watch this. Hey Doofy, come here.


POLICEMAN #2 Smell my finger.

DOOFY What's that?

POLICEMAN #2 That's when you'll know you've become a man.

They laugh at Doofy.

DOOFY Hey, smell my finger.

POLICEMAN #2 What the hell is that?

DOOFY My ass.

Buffy enters.

BUFFY Doofy, mom said get home now.

DOOFY Tell mom I'm on official police business.

BUFFY Hey, Cind, you okay?

DOOFY Hey, no talking to the witness.

BUFFY Go get in the car Doofy. She's coming with us.

DOOFY Does mom know?

BUFFY Yeah, Doofus.

DOOFY Mom says when I wear this badge your supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

BUFFY Yeah, well mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner. Now let's go.

Everyone in the police station laughs at Doofy. He looks embarrassed.

Buffy and Cindy exit. Doofy follows.


Gail Hailstorm arrives. Kenny hustles behind her.

GAIL Okay roll in 5, 4, 3:

Kenny fumbles with the camera. Ho looks confused.

GAIL (CONT'D) What now? Don't tell me you can't count. Let's see if I can make it easy for you. This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none,and if this little piggy doesn't roll the goddamn camera right now I'm gonna put my foot:

KENNY We're live.

GAIL Hi, Gail Hailstorm here in front of the police station where I'm going to try to get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young woman who was attacked earlier this evening.

Gail and other reporters see Cindy exit the station. They rush her.

REPORTER #1 Cindy, can we get a statement?

REPORTER #2 Is it true the police have someone in custody?

GAIL Cindy, your ass looks fat.

Cindy turns and punches Gail in the face.

Doofy hustles Cindy into the car. She gets behind the wheel. Doofy throws his jacket across her head to shield her from the media rush.

Doofy gets in. They drive off.

O.C. We hear swerve, crash, crash.


Buffy and Cindy sit on the bed talking.

BUFFY Do you really think Bobby did it?

CINDY I don't know but he was there.

BUFFY I knew there had to be something.

Doofy enters holding an ice pack.

DOOFY Here, a little something for your hand.

He tosses the ice pack to Cindy, not having good aim or knowing his strength, the ice pack smacks her in the head, knocking her off the bed.

DOOFY (CONT'D) Sorry. I better get something for your head.

Cindy, dazed, climbs back on the bed.

CINDY That's okay Doofy.

DOOFY I'll be in the next room if you need me.

CINDY Thanks. Good night Doofy.

Doofy exits.

Buffy opens a bag of doughnuts, starts snacking. She hands one to Cindy.

CINDY Say, I didn't know you ate stuff like that.

BUFFY (excited) Oh, I'm on this new diet. I can eat all the junk food I want and not gain a pound!

CINDY Really?!

Barf, Barf. Buffy throws up the doughnuts.

BUFFY Want some pizza?

Buffy's mom enters.

MRS. GILMORE Cindy, telephone.

CINDY Who is it?

MRS. GILMORE I'm just guessing but I'd say a psychotic killer.

Cindy exits to answer the phone.


CINDY Hello?

V.O. KILLER Hello, Cindy. Poor Bobby boy. An innocent guy doesn't stand a chance with you.


Buffy and Mrs. Gilmore run to Cindy.

MRS. GILMORE Doofy! Doofy!

CINDY Who are you?

V.O. KILLER You'll find out soon enough.

Cindy drops the phone.

Doofy comes running, carrying the vacuum cleaner hose.


The girls go into the bedroom. Doofy picks up the phone.



Cindy enters, grabs a tray and gets in line.

Cindy looks at menu. It reads "Same Old Shit".


Cindy joins Ray, Brandy & Shorty.

CINDY Hey guys.

BRANDY How you doin' girl?

CINDY Ok. He got Buffy.

SHORTY What?! She's dead too?

CINDY No, she's fine, just a little bent out of shape.

RAY We gotta get this guy.

CINDY I think we should all just stick together. After school, everyone grab some stuff, meet at my house and invite some friends too. There is safety in numbers. Anyone seen Bobby?

RAY I heard he was let out this morning.

CINDY If you see him, tell him I'm sorry. I'll see you guys tonight.

Kid dressed in killer's outfit runs through the cafeteria, screaming and waving his arms wildly.

CINDY (CONT'D) (annoyed) Why are they doing this?

She rushes from the table.


Cindy bumps into someone.


It's Bobby.

BOBBY It's okay. It's just me.

Cindy pulls away.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Whoa, whoa, wait. You don't still think it's me?!

Cindy pats him down for weapons.

CINDY No, no, not at all. It's just that someone did try to kill me.

BOBBY The police said I scared him away.

CINDY I know. He called last night.

BOBBY See? It couldn't have been me. I was in jail, remember?

Bobby shows Cindy a tattoo on his butt cheek. It reads "Hank's stuff".

CINDY I'm sorry. Please understand.

BOBBY What? My girl would rather call me a killer then touch me?

CINDY That's not true.

BOBBY Then what is it?

CINDY What is it? Bobby, she's gone and she's not coming back.

BOBBY It's been a year Cindy.

CINDY But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls.

BOBBY You have to move on, Cind.

CINDY I'm sorry if my complicated life is an inconvenience to your perfect existence.

Cindy runs away.

BOBBY Stupid.


Sheriff makes an announcement.

SHERIFF Let me just say the killings of these teenagers have been tragic but with every cloud there is a silver lining. Thanks to all the press, tourism is at an all time high. Any of you folks visiting, I'll be selling souvenir t-shirts right after the conference.

Sheriff holds up a t-shirt that reads: "I could be next Woodsboro 99"

SHERIFF (CONT'D) Only fifteen bucks each. Get one for the whole family.

Gail calls out to the sheriff.

GAIL Sheriff..Hi, Gail Hailstorm, author of 101 Ways to Milk a Tragedy. Sheriff, let me ask you, do you think the killer will strike again?

SHERIFF We have no evidence of that. This is just a precaution.

GAIL Have you located Cindy Campbell's father?


GAIL Is he a suspect?

SHERIFF That's classified. Where are you getting your information?

GAIL My source is strictly confidential.

Doofy steps up to the mic.

DOOFY Hey, anybody wanna smell my finger?


Several girls changing clothes, heading to the showers.


Camera pans across the naked backs of Buffy and her friends taking a shower. They gossip about the past nights events.

BUFFY Can you believe it? There's a killer out there.

Several tattoos on Buffy's back. All hearts with guys names crossed out: Dave, Tom, Phil, Steve, last heart reads "Your Name Here."

GIRL #2 Yeah, I heard he's really cute!

Girl #2: Her tattoo reads: "One Billion Served".

GIRL #3 Is it true he almost got Cindy?

Girl #3 tatoo above her ass reads: "Exit Only".

BUFFY I don't believe her.

Girls finish their shower, grab towels, and continue conversation.

BUFFY (CONT'D) I think she's just trying to get attention. Just a case of virginal delusions.

A girl passes them, built like a playmate centerfold. The girls look at themselves insecurely.

BUFFY (CONT'D) That Tammy. She's been left back so many times it ain't funny.


We pick up our girls at the lockers. They see Cindy getting dressed.

BUFFY Watch this.

She takes a cell phone from her locker and pretends that she a call.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Hello, who is this? What? You want to kill me? Hold on: Cindy, it's for you.

All the girls laugh. Cindy tries to ignore them.

The laughter is interrupted by the Gym teacher.

MISS MANN, a tall muscular woman with a five o'clock shadow and a bulge under her skirt that she constantly adjusts.

MISS MANN Alright, knock it off Buffy. Now as all have heard, there is a killer in our town and the police have asked us to give you all the following safety tips. Stay in well lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible and don't accept rides from anyone you don't know. I understand this is a difficult time for you young ladies, so if anyone wants to come to my office to talk, I'm here for you.

Miss Mann exits.

BUFFY What a crock of shit.

CINDY It's not! He's out there! I'm telling you he's real!

BUFFY Oh right, cause you saw him. Sure. What are you gonna come up with next? Let me guess..The faculty are really aliens?

They all laugh.

Cindy grabs her books and exits.


Start on photos on the wall.

Includes Miss Mann with k.d.lang.

Pan down we see Miss Mann sniffing a pair of women's panties.

CINDY Miss Mann?

Miss Mann startled, hides the panties.

MISS MANN Come right in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.

Cindy sits. She can see Miss Mann's bulge. She tries to avoid looking at it.

MISS MANN (CONT'D) What can I do for you dear?

CINDY I need to talk.

MISS MANN Go ahead, my dear.

CINDY Well, you see, I have this problem and I don't know who to tell. This is really hard.

Miss Mann touches her hand, gives her a reassuring smile.

MISS MANN Not feeling so fresh?


MISS MANN Feminine odor and itching got you down?

CINDY No, not that.


CINDY I have a terrible secret.

Miss Mann sits back.

MISS MANN I see. Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets.

Miss Mann spreads her legs. We see a set of testicles fall out from under her skirt.

Cindy tries not to react.

Miss Mann walks around the room. As she speaks, her balls swing as they dangle in the air.

MISS MANN (CONT'D) Sometimes we do things we're not proud of.

MISS MANN (CONT'D) Some for money, others to gain an athletic edge against the competition.

Miss Mann walks over to Cindy, places her hand on one shoulder and accidentally rests her balls on Cindy's other shoulder.

MISS MANN (CONT'D) Sometimes those little secrets come back to haunt us in the most unpredictable ways. You know what I mean?

Cindy jumps up.

CINDY Yes I do. Thanks for your time. I gotta go to class.

MISS MANN Anytime, dear.

Cindy hustles out of the office.


All the girls have left but Buffy, who grabs her books and closes her locker.

She hears a noise. She goes to investigate. No one there.

Buffy turns. She sees The Killer.

BUFFY Very funny. But you better get out of here before Miss Mann sees you.

Buffy tries to walk away. Killer blocks her path.

BUFFY (CONT'D) (sarcastically) Oh, so what movie is this from, "Die Cheerleaders Die"? So wanna play psycho killer?

The Killer nods yes.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Can I be the helpless cheerleader? Let's see: (pretend pleading) Please don't kill me, mister killer:

The Killer grabs her arm.

NOTE: Buffy's attitude is smart ass and condescending the whole scene.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Oh, is this the part where I beg for my life?

Killer nods yes.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Oh, please mister killer, don't kill me!

Killer slashes her with his knife.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Oh is this where I'm supposed to bleed? Oh, look, I'm bleeding. EEK! EEK! Oh yeah, I'm supposed to run, right? Ha ha, okay, if it makes you happy.

She runs half heartily, waving her arms in comical mock fright.

BUFFY (CONT'D) I'm running, I'm running. Help! Now here is where I fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless.

She sighs, like she's indulging him. She trips and twists her leg grotesquely. We hear a loud snap.

BUFFY (CONT'D) There ya go, mister scary killer. I'm panicking now. God, somebody please help me!

Killer gets down and viciously attacks. We hear flesh tearing and ripping as blood sprays everywhere.

BUFFY (CONT'D) So, I suppose this is where my guts get ripped open? Whatever:

Killer raises a meat clever the final blow. He lifts her severed head.

She rolls her eyes.

BUFFY (CONT'D) Oh, look at me. I'm all dead.

BUFFY (CONT'D) I'm a gross scary severed head. Come on, Pul-leeze!


The ledge outside one of the school windows on the third floor. Phil crawls out on the ledge, looking disheveled. Another faculty member pokes his head out the window.

FACULTY MEMBER Phil! What are you doing?! Come back in here!

PHIL No, I've had it! I can't take this job and these stupid kids anymore! I'm going to end it all!

FACULTY MEMBER Be reasonable.

PHIL There's nothing for me to live for. I'm jumping.

FACULTY MEMBER Wait! Just hold on, we're getting help.

BRANDY The killer's just fucking with us.

RAY I don't get it. Why?

CINDY What does he want with us?

Upset, Cindy steps away from the group, looking up (but not in the direction of the school) arms out, shouting:

CINDY (CONT'D) What are you waiting for, huh?

Phil on the ledge, breathing hard, sweating. He hears Cindy yelling again, louder this time.

CINDY (O.S.)(CONT'D) What are you waiting for?!

PHIL She's right. What am I waiting for?

With a shout, he jumps to his death.

Phil lands near them:SPLAT. They all surround him. Shorty stands over him.

SHORTY Yo, kid. You got that ill chronic. I told you that shit would make you fly.


Ray and Brandy sitting on his bed, sharing fruit. Ray is wearing shorts and a tank top. Music plays in the background.

Brandy is wearing Ray's football jersey.

BRANDY Ray, I don't think this party is a good idea. What if Shorty is right?

RAY Promise.

He gives her a reassuring kiss.

The song "Same Ho" by Snoop Dog is playing on the radio.

SONG V.O. Every where I go, I see the same ho, in every video, I see the same hooo:

BRANDY Hey, that's my song. You know they gave me a shout out on the album.

Brandy starts to dance for Ray.

RAY You know, you look really sexy in my jersey.

Brandy stands up and begins to model the jersey.

BRANDY You think so?

RAY Yeah, put these on with it.

He hands her the football pants.

RAY (CONT'D) And these too.

He hands her a pair of cleats.

BRANDY You sure?

RAY Yeah, and this too.

He gives her his shoulder pads.

RAY (CONT'D) Yeah, that's hot. Wait. One more thing.

He puts a helmet on her head.

RAY (CONT'D) That's what I'm talkin' about. Come here, you sexy thing you.

Ray grabs her and starts making passionate love to her.


Ray and Brandy walk to the box office to get tickets.

BRANDY I don't know why we got to go see this movie. They just insult my intelligence.

RAY What are you talking about? You just got your GED.

BRANDY All I know is these movies is about white people doing white things in white places. There ain't never no black people in them.

RAY That's cuz it's Shakespeare.

Reveal they are going to see "Shakespeare in Love".

BRANDY Whatever. Why can't we go see a horror movie or something?

RAY Look, why don't you just chill and try to have a good time.

BRANDY Alright. I'm sorry. I do appreciate you takin' me out.

They enter the theatre.


RAY Look, why don't you go get some seats? I'm gonna get some refreshments.

Ray stands in line at the concession stand. Brandy enters the screening room.


Ray enters, looking for Brandy.

Brandy calls for Ray.

BRANDY Ray! Hey Ray-Ray! Down here!

She waves wildly, screaming Ray's name.

Note: Ray and Brandy are the only black people in the theatre.

Ray walks to Brandy, takes a seat.

RAY You want some popcorn?

BRANDY I brought my own food.

Brandy reaches into her purse, pulls out a full course meal. Fried chicken, potato salad, greens, and a large bottle of hot sauce.

Screen: The THX robot starts the film.

Brandy immediately starts yelling at the screen.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Ooo, yeah, do that shit!

Screen: You are now listening to THX.

BRANDY (CONT'D) This sound system is the bomb. I need one of these in my car.

White patrons, shaking their heads. It's gonna be a long night.

Ray is embarrassed by Brandy's behavior. He excuses himself.

RAY Watch my seat. I have to go to the bathroom.


A guy stands in front of a condom dispenser and chooses from the selection: "Ultra Sensitive", "For Her Pleasure", "Can't Feel Shit", and "You're a Daddy".

Another guy washes his hands at the sink, then turns to pull down the rotating towels and it's a pair of pants that go in a circle.

Enter Ray. He waits for a free urinal, but they're all occupied by guys pissing at a target in the bowl. As they pee on the bulls-eye, toy horses race across a track on the wall like a carnival game. The guys look straight ahead.

Ray tries to find a stall.

He checks under other doors. He sees a pair of tennis shoes, cleats, clogs, ballerina shoes up on their toes, and the ugliest pair of men's feet with freshly painted red toenails with the toe separators still in them.

Finally, he looks under a door and doesn't see any feet. Ray opens the door.

Reveal a LITTLE PERSON sitting on the toilet.

LITTLE PERSON Hey, I'm in here.

RAY My bad.

The handicap stall opens. A guy in a wheelchair rolls out. The guy in the wheelchair looks around, stands up, folds up the chair, picks it up and walks out.

Ray shakes his head in disbelief, then enters the handicap stall.

Ray finishes, zips his pants, turns to exit.

Ray starts to leave when he hears voices coming from the adjacent stall.

Ray presses his ear against the stall wall.

Traces the sound to a small hole in the stall wall.

Ray presses his ear against the hole. A penis pokes through tickling his ear. Ray chuckles and presses his head closer.

This time the penis thrusts through his ear.

Ray grabs his ear in pain. Goo flows out of his mouth. He falls to the floor.


Brandy sits alone, eating and yelling at the screen.

BRANDY Don't go in there!

Screen: Shakespeare climbing up the side of the tower. He reaches the top. He and the lady's nurse see each other. They scream. So does Brandy.

BRANDY This is some scary shit! Run, Shakespeare, run!

Man next to her leans over.

MAN Will you keep it down!?

BRANDY Excuse me! I paid my money like everyone else.

Screen: Gwyneth Paltrow dressed as a man reciting the play.

BRANDY (CONT'D) That ain't no man!

Brandy takes out a laser pointer.

BRANDY (CONT'D) You can see her real hair under that wig. Look right there!

People around her are getting really annoyed.

WOMAN Do you mind? Brandy starts video taping the movie. The killer sits down next to her. She doesn't notice.

BRANDY Hey Ray, you came back just in time. Yeah, this movie is good.

BRANDY (CONT'D) She's about to get it on with Shake-a-spear; he found out she's a girl. This is just like an episode of Jerry Springer.

Screen: A fight on screen.

BRANDY (CONT'D) Aw, shit. The fightin'! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

The audience is furious.

OLD LADY Shut up!

MAN For Christ's sake, shut your trap!

Brandy's cell phone rings. She answers.

BRANDY I don't know why y'all trippin'. My girlfriend saw the movie and she said they don't even stay together in the end.

That's it. The audience has had enough.

The Man sitting next to her suddenly reaches over and stabs her in the stomach, then goes back to watching the movie. Brandy stands up, stunned and horrified. She screams.

Then the Woman sitting behind her reaches over and stabs her in the back, then also goes back to watching the movie. Man #2 reaches over, guts her, and then continues to watch the movie. The Old Woman reaches over and cuts Brandy's throat. Brandy tries to escape, but all the people in the theatre start stabbing, slicing and gutting her as she runs by them - all normal looking people: an old couple, a teenager, middle class couple, a priest, etc. The Killer never has to touch her.

Crying and bloody, Brandy stumbles toward the movie screen, still getting stabbed by everyone. She stands up in front of the screen, looks out at all the pissed off faces in the audience and drops to the ground, dead.

The audience erupts in wild cheers and applause.


Party in progress. Several cars arrive, music blasting from inside.


Kids watch "Halloween H2O".

SHORTY Here it comes..SPLAT!

JILL How can you watch this over and over?

SHORTY It's great promotion for Miramax.

TEEN When does LL get killed?

SHORTY He doesn't. LL Cool J is one of the only black guys to survive a horror movie. Him and Duane Martin from Scream 2. That's because they followed the rules.

JILL What are you talking about?

SHORTY There are certain rules a black person must follow in order to survive a horror movie.

JILL Where's Brandy?

SHORTY Probably dead. The sassy black best friend of a white virgin is always sacrificed first. It's like being the black guy with the red shirt in the Star Trek landing party when Kirk says "Johnson, go check it out". You know he ain't coming back.

Kids boo and throw popcorn at Shorty.

JILL I'm going to the kitchen. Anybody want anything?

TEEN More popcorn.

Everyone laughs. She exits.


Cindy is preparing chips and dip. Jill enters.

JILL Can I help with anything?

CINDY Sure, can you get some more beers out of the fridge in the garage?

JILL Sure.


Jill enters, turns on the lights, makes her way to the fridge.

She is startled by a cat.

JILL Oh, kitty, you scared me.

The cat runs out the doggie door that's cut into the garage door.

Jill turns again. She is startled. This time by a horse.

JILL (CONT'D) Oh horsey! You scared me too!

Finally at the fridge, she grabs a few drinks.


Beer bottle labels: Cult 45, Satan Malt Liquor, Killer Genuine Draft.


The door slowly closes.

Suddenly the lights go out.

JILL (CONT'D) Who's there? Hello? Is anyone there?

Jill walking in the dark constantly talking.

JILL (CONT'D) How tall are you? What's your sign? Do you speak more than one language?

The lights back on. The killer is standing at the top of the steps. Knife is drawn.

JILL (CONT'D) Oh my God! Please don't! I'm just a day player!

Killer swings with knife. Misses.

Jill drops the bottles, starts to run. Killer chases. She swings open the refrigerator door, smashing him in the face.

Killer falls. She runs for the door.

Killer cuts her off. She picks up a bottle and throws it at the killer, smashing him in the face. He stumbles back.

This is her chance. She runs to the doggie door.

The killer watches in disbelief as Jill tries to stuff her body through the doggie door.


Jill tries pushing head through. It takes up the whole door. Finally it pops through.


Jill's ass and feet struggling to get thru the small door. Won't fit. Turns around and tries to go feet first.


Jill's head is stuck, squeezing past left side of her face. Her hand wiggles through, then a foot. An anatomical mess.


Killer turns on the garage door opener. The motors spark and strain, unable to lift the giant weight. She keeps heaving, ramming and pushing against the door until the entire garage door start to shake and splinter.

Then, the entire garage starts trembling and crumbling around her with the force of her heaving. Finally the whole garage just collapses on her, killing her.


Several kids cheering.

TEENS Go! Go! Go! Go!

Cindy drinking from funnel.


Ray enters. Cindy lets out a loud burp.

Jump Scare Bobby steps into frame.

BOBBY Somebody looking for me?

CINDY Hi. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought the killer got to you before I could.

BOBBY Could what?

Cindy kisses him in an obviously drunk and slutty way.

CINDY Why don't we go ahead upstairs and whatever:

Bobby and Cindy walk hand and hand upstairs.


Cindy and Bobby sitting on the bed, talking.


BOBBY So, here we are again.


BOBBY And if your not ready still, I'll understand.

CINDY But I am ready.

BOBBY You are?

CINDY Yeah, I figured out that I have to live my own life and I can't keep fighting my urges. I have to give in and let them flow.

BOBBY This is like a scene in a movie.

CINDY Only this is real life, it's not a movie.

BOBBY Sure it is..There's the sound man and the script supervisor..


CINDY What I mean is in real life you have to enjoy each moment.

Cindy takes off her shirt. Bobby does the same. They kiss passionately, licking each others mouths, flicking their tongues. The two tongues start wildly slapping and lapping together until they end up hopelessly tied and knotted together.

Cindy and Bobby lay down on the bed.

Cindy starts to kiss his chest. She works her way down to his belly button then starts back up.

Bobby gingerly pushes her head back down. They play tug of war. Finally, Cindy surrenders. She unzips his pants.

Cindy looks up innocently.

CINDY (CONT'D) You know, I've never really done this before.

BOBBY It's okay. It's just like sucking a tootsie pop.

Cindy lowers her head. We hear the sounds.

Lick! Lick! Slurp!

BOBBY (CONT'D) That's it, that's right. Just like that.

Slurp. Suddenly CRUNCH!

Bobby screams with pain.

CINDY I never could wait to get to the chewy middle.

Bobby recovers.

BOBBY Come here, let me.

Bobby slides off Cindy's pants. He's startled by bat's flying out.

They continue to make out. He tries to take off her panties, but struggles.

CINDY Here, let me.

His eyes gleam with heated anticipation as she lowers her panties.

POOF! Her enormous BUSH OF PUBIC HAIR fills the screen.

We hear the primitive sounds of the Call of the Wild emanating from her untamed forest.

He whips out a machete and THWACK! He slashes at the bush. He pulls back the blade to find it's dented - he needs something stronger.

Cindy grabs him by the head and pushes it down. She moans with ecstasy. We hear Bobby struggling to breath.

CINDY (CONT'D) To the left! Faster! Higher! Wait!

She draws him a map ad gives it to him along with a compass.

Cindy finally lets Bobby up. He coughs up a hairball.

CINDY (CONT'D) I want sex.

BOBBY Okay, let me just get my pants off.

Bobby stands up and takes off his pants. From the back we see his ass and two giant blue balls hanging between his legs.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Are you sure?

CINDY I want it now!

She slams him down, tears the remainder of his clothes off and begins to ride him like a human sit and spin.


The party stops. The house shakes. Plaster falls from the ceiling. A loud howling noise is echoed through out the house.


Bobby feels himself ready to climax.

BOBBY Oh my God! I can't hold it..OOOOO!!!

He cums, sending Cindy blasting off into the air as he shoots a geyser of jizz.

Close on Bobby, his body caves in as fluids leave his body.

Cindy is stuck to the ceiling.


Two teen boys smoking weed through a bong. Room is filled with smoke.

TEEN Dude, where did you get this? It's fuckin' awesome

The door busts open. The kids see the Killer.


Killer hitting the bong.

KILLER Good shit.

TEEN Fuckin' a dude, I'm wasted.

Killer pretends to hear a noise.

KILLER You hear that?

TEEN #2 What?

Killer does the Jason theme.

KILLER Ching, ching, ching, ching, cha, cha, cha, cha. I'm just bullshitting. Hey you guys want to have some fun?


Killer on the phone.

KILLER What's your favorite scary movie?

Killer starts snickering. We hear a terrified girl on the phone. He passes the phone to one of the teens.

TEEN Who was the killer in Friday the Thirteenth?

They all start laughing.


CINDY That was wonderful. I really felt something special happen between us. Like this bond that can only be between two people who truly love one another, you know?


Cindy slaps his arm.

BOBBY Yeah, I got that ass. Tore it up!

CINDY Bobby! Did you hear anything I said?

BOBBY Yeah, sure, can you make me a sandwich? I'm a little hungry.


The phone rings. Shorty answers it.

SHORTY Hello? What? No way!

Shorty hangs up. Turns to the kids.

SHORTY (CONT'D) Hey everybody, they found Tanya hanging from the goal post.

PARTY GOER #1 Hey lets go check it out before they cut her down!

PARTY GOER #2 Yeah, maybe she's not wearing underwear! Last on gets sloppy seconds.

The party cheers. All the guys exit the party, leaving Shorty alone.


All the guys rush to their cars.


Bobby and Cindy are getting dressed. Bobby sits closest to the door.

CINDY Bobby, where were you tonight?


CINDY I was just curious. What took you so long to get here?

BOBBY Why so curious?

CINDY Well, I just thought it would fit the 90's horror clich if you turn out to be the killer.

BOBBY You think I killed Buffy and Greg?

CINDY Buffy and Greg are dead?

BOBBY I thought you knew.

The door behind Bobby opens. The killer appears.

CINDY Bobby! Look out! He's behind you!

Bobby turns. It's too late. The killer stabs him repeatedly.

Bobby turns to Cindy, his shirt bloodied, he's holding a bottle of ketchup in his hand.

CINDY (CONT'D) Oh my God! Bobby no!!!

Bobby falls dead.

Killer wipes his knife. Goes after Cindy.

Cindy takes off. Runs downstairs.


Cindy runs to the door. She looks behind her. The killer is gone.

Cindy turns to leave and runs into Ray. CINDY Ray! I'm so glad you're okay! The killer is here! He got Bobby! We gotta get away!

Ray says nothing. He just looks straight ahead. No emotion.

Cindy hears someone calling her. She turns to see Bobby staggering down the steps.

BOBBY Cindy! Help!

CINDY Bobby!!!

Cindy turns to his aide. She helps him down the steps.

CINDY (CONT'D) It's gonna be okay Bobby, but we gotta hurry.

Ray locks the door.

CINDY (CONT'D) Ray, what are you doing?

Bobby starts laughing.


BOBBY We all go a little crazy sometimes. Billy Loomis, Scream part 1.

CINDY No, it can't be!

Ray gives Bobby a knife. Cindy backs into the kitchen.


BOBBY Yes Cindy, it's true.

CINDY But I thought you loved me.

BOBBY Oh I did, but abstinence will make you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy, I'm gay and if you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

Ray looks confused.

RAY Huh? Wait, whoa! I'm not gay.

BOBBY What do you mean? You took me to the club.

RAY They play good music.

BOBBY What about our trip to San Francisco?

RAY I wanted to do some shopping!

BOBBY But you made love to me!

RAY Hey, you sucked my di..

BOBBY Whatever! The point is I'm a new man. I'm ready to leave all of this behind and start a new life.

CINDY So you kill all your friends.

BOBBY No, just you. See, that's the genius of it all, the perfect crime, copycat of a serial killer.

RAY But there's more! Hold on cause this is a scream baby!

Ray exits. He comes back with Cindy's dad, bound and gagged.

CINDY Dad! Oh my God! So what are you gonna do, frame him?

RAY No, we were just having a little fun with him.

NEW ANGLE DAD. We see his pants are down around his ankles.

BOBBY No, the police will find you both dead and me and Ray are the only survivors of a maniac's revenge. Okay Ray, let's do it.

Bobby hands Ray the knife.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Come on baby, get it!!!

Ray stabs Bobby repeatedly.

BOBBY (CONT'D) Ok, ok, that's enough.

RAY My bad.

BOBBY Ok, my turn.

RAY What?

BOBBY Give me the knife! It's my turn to stab you.

RAY Shit, you must be crazy! Ain't nobody stabbing me!

Suddenly Ray goes silent. A hook pierces his body as he is lifted off the ground.

The killer, standing behind him, removes the hook. Ray falls dead.

One swift blow and Bobby is dead too.

Killer swings at Cindy. His hook misses her and gets stuck.

Cindy punches the killer in the face. He goes flying, leaving his hook behind.

Cindy tries to run and the killer trips her.


They both rise to their feet and square off.

CINDY I'm not running anymore, no more victim. Come on, show me what you got.

Killer back hands her. Cindy fires back.

Killer grabs her and throws her against the wall. She gets back on her feet.

Cindy ala Keanu Reeves in Matrix jumps into mid-air karate stance and freezes momentarily.

Killer looks on in amazement. She then proceeds to kick major ass, running up walls and throwing a barrage of Kung Fu kicks as if she was walking on air.

Cindy stops for a moment to do a little mid-air Riverdance then back to the ass whupping. The final kick sends the killer flying out the window.


Cindy rushes to her dad to help untie him.


Cindy and her dad exit. Police sirens closing in.

Cindy looks for the killer's body. It's gone.


Police arrive and exit their vehicles. Several officers run into the house.

Sheriff approaches Cindy.

SHERIFF What the hell is going on here?

Deputy runs out of the house.

DEPUTY It's a blood bath in there, sir.

CINDY He was right here, I swear!

SHERIFF Who was?

CINDY The killer.

SHERIFF I'm gonna have to take you in.


SHERIFF Let's go over this again. You say it was an accident?

CINDY Yes, he was on the road.

SHERIFF And you think he came back to get revenge?

CINDY Yes, it had to be him.

Doofy enters and gives Sheriff a folder.

DOOFY They told me to give you this.

SHERIFF Thanks, shit head.

Sheriff reads the folder.

DOOFY You ok Cindy?

CINDY Yes, thanks Doofy.

SHERIFF That will be all Doofy.

Doofy exits.

SHERIFF (CONT'D) Sorry, Cindy, it wasn't the guy you hit. His name was David Keegan. Some fisherman found his body a few weeks later. He's buried in Lakewood cemetery.

CINDY That's impossible.

SHERIFF Afraid not.

CINDY Who could it be?

SHERIFF Had to be someone who was connected to all the victims. Someone who knew about the accident. Someone who could move around without being noticed.

CINDY Oh my God!


BUFFY Doofy had the biggest crush on her.


Doofy at the front door.


DOOFY I'll be in the next room.



SLOW MOTION SHOT coffee cup crashing to the floor.

CINDY Doofy!

Cindy and Sheriff run through the station looking for Doofy

SHERIFF Anyone seen Doofy?

DEPUTY He just left.


Sheriff and Cindy rush out of station looking for Doofy ala Usual Suspects.


CLOSE ON a pair of twisted feet walking. The feet slowly straighten out as the pace increases.

Camera moves up to the bent hand tucked close to the body. It too straightens out.

Pan up to Doofy looking very normal with a devilish smile on his face.

Doofy lights a cigarette.

A new Jaguar pulls up along side of him and he gets in.

We see Gail at the wheel. They kiss.

GAIL This is gonna make one helluva movie.

They drive off.



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