>> II/ Scary Movie II

II/ Scary Movie II ( 2)

: II/ Scary Movie II.

II/ Scary Movie II


Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun.

Alex lays disheveled on the bed.

ALEX (desperate) Call me.

The door slams.

Alex lights a cigarette.


Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is startled by the sound of the door creaking open.

CINDY (nervous) Who's there?

The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief.

CINDY (CONT'D) Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin' girl?

The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his claw out with the gesture.


Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her throat.

Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet.

The cat lands and pounces right back.

Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it crashing into a table which smashes into pieces.

Cindy and the cat circle each other.

The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding the jagged side out towards Cindy.

The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning her down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into Cindy's face.

Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth gritting with effort.

Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now looks worried.

Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat.

The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself.

Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and throws some of the sand in Cindy's eyes. The cat then picks up a chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on her back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But Cindy manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder.

Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside.



Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door.


His eye peeking through the keyhole.

Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob.

CINDY (screaming) Somebody help me!

Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn.

CINDY (CONT'D) Here, kitty, kitty. Look...

Cindy plays with the yarn.

The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn.

CINDY (CONT'D) Go get it.

Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The cat leaps after it, falling to its death.



Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn.

Theo rushes to her.

THEO Are you okay?

CINDY I think so.

THEO Come on. We better get you cleaned up.



Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of tea.

CINDY I'm telling you, it was possessed.

PROFESSOR Theo, did you see the animal?

THEO No, I just heard the commotion, and when I got there I guess it was gone.

CINDY What, you think I did this to myself?

PROFESSOR No, I'm just saying cats are known to be very territorial animals, and it is likely it did attack, but it doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe the two of you should sleep together.

CINDY What are you getting at, Professor?

PROFESSOR Only that if this cat did attack, he's less likely to come back if the two of you were, let's say, together. Come on, it's college. Time for you two to experiment.

THEO Cindy, I don't think we're going to get any help here.

PROFESSOR Actually, I'd be more than willing to walk you through it.

THEO Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're tucked in.

Theo and Cindy rise to exit.

PROFESSOR Good idea, and don't forget to give her a good-night kiss.

CINDY There's something going on in this house. I'm not crazy.



Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo.

THEO Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door if you need me.

CINDY Thanks, I'll be fine.

Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a picture has fallen off the night stand.

Cindy places it back on the nightstand.

Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key hidden in the frame.

Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea.

Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study form beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and turns it.

The chest opens.

Cindy finds several items.

Pictures of Carolyn.

A diary.

An old fashioned dildo.

The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos.

Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant around her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have a strange look. She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom door.



The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking for a snack. He grabs an apple.


Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer."

CINDY Hello, Professor.


PROFESSOR Hello, Cindy

She shakes her head.

CINDY Forbidden fruit.

She takes the apple.

CINDY (CONT'D) Got a problem with that?

PROFESSOR Yeah, bitch, give me my apple. What's gotten into you?

He snatches the apple back.

Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and picks up a banana.

Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes, she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red, gagging and coughing.

CINDY Gock--gock--gock...

Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor.

Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing her seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts licking it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in her mouth, again simulating a blow job.



He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again.




She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving that in her mouth--stretching out her mouth and face, insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth.



PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ohh...mmm...

Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle between her legs.

The Professor watches, seductively.

Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A strong gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out the candle. The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers and the Professor back.

CINDY There. That's better.

Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the desk stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie, choking him as she pulls him up onto the table.

PROFESSOR I take it you're not mad at me.

CINDY I wouldn't go that far.

She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures.

He quickly pops them back into his mouth.

Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples for a man.

Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult diaper underneath.

She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him.

PROFESSOR I don't like this, this...

CINDY (pinning him down) Why don't you shut up, Professor? Just relax.

Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She feels something then stops and stares deeply into the Professor's eyes.

CINDY (CONT'D) I think she's starting to suspect something?

PROFESSOR (Confused) Who?

Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE.

RAY Your wife!

The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of the room.


Cindy's face as it morphs back.

CINDY Oh, my God. It happened right here. She came home. She saw them.


CINDY Don't touch me!!

Cindy passes out.

Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his ankles, and Cindy unconscious on the floor.

DWIGHT What the hell?!

PROFESSOR It's not what is looks like. She's having a breakdown. Help me get her to her room.



Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House. The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing.



Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor duck behind a door.

Buddy investigates, following the Professor.



Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the corner, keeping the Professor in sight. Buddy sees the Professor enter the lab.



DWIGHT Professor, we need to talk.

PROFESSOR What is it, Dwight?

DWIGHT I think we should consider cutting the experiment short.


DWIGHT The force in this house is far greater than I anticipated. In one night I recorded cold spots, shifting magnetic fields, the E.U.P. is picking up white sounds everywhere.

PROFESSOR That's why we came here, remember?

DWIGHT Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This poltergeist is becoming increasingly more violent. We all could be in danger. I say we pull the plug.

PROFESSOR Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull the plug. Get a hold of yourself. Dwight, we're on the verge of greatness and I'm about this close to getting laid. Now, the bus will be here on Monday. Until then no one leaves.



He's been listening to everything.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Now, here are the keys to the gate and the cell phone. No one gets access to either, understand?

Dwight nods yes.



Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size. It's as tall as a tree.

Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed.

He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake him at "C.P. Time."

Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his pillow.

Finally, he closes his eyes.

Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and creaking floors.

SHORTY I can't sleep like this.

He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and pushes the play button.

The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN screaming are heard.

WOMAN (V.O.) (V.O.) They done killed my baby! Why Lord?! Why?

SHORTY Ah, that's better.

Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns.

SHORTY (CONT'D) I know what I need.

Shorty finds a joint and lights up.



Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try summoning the ghost.

ALEX (moving the arrow along the board) Hello?... Ghost?...Baby, are you there?...I've been waiting on you for almost ten minutes now! Where are you?



Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson" volleyball.

The rest of this scene to come.



Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth.

ALEX Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of the night, I beseech thee.

Still no response.

ALEX (CONT'D) (pissed) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

She begins to tear up the room.

Smashing lamps and vases against the wall.

Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot.

Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands.



Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide with fear. Every sound makes him jump.

Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to rain.

SHORTY Ahhh!!!!!!

Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking for the volleyball.

SHORTY (CONT'D) Wilson! Wilson! Wilson!



Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet.



Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and off. She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."



Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning illuminates the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape.

Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball.

SHORTY One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand.

Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty.

Shorty screams.

Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter.

They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers rolling Shorty into a human joint.

They all rush to help him.



Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal.

CAROLYN (V.O.) (V.O.) Tonight, Hugh and I made love for the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk about little. I can't take living with him any longer. He's becoming a monster. Darkness is all around us. Poor Hanson died today; burned alive in the furnace. They say it was an accident, but...

Cindy closes the journal.

CINDY Oh, my God!

Suddenly, her door slams.


Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door slams shut.

A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the closet.

Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for help.

CINDY (CONT'D) Help! somebody help!



A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint, lightning the tip on fire.

SHORTY Help! Help! He's trying to smoke me, son!

Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night.

Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of Cindy screaming.

BRENDA Oh my God, Cindy!



Cindy clings for deal life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles.

ALEX You cheating son of a bitch! Touch her and I'll make sure that's the last piece of possession you have. (ALTERNATE) You son of a bitch! Oh, what you gonna play like this? I know you didn't do that!

The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed.

ALEX (CONT'D) What, one woman isn't enough for you? Must you channel every girl in this house? How would you like it if I fucked another ghost, huh?

Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door.

ALEX (CONT'D) Where do you think you're going? This isn't finished. That's just like you, every time things get serious you disappear.

The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream after him.

ALEX (CONT'D) Don't forget! I know where you rot! (then to herself) Selfish bastard. All you entities are the same.


BUDDY What happened here?

ALEX Ask your poltergeist stealing whore!

Alex storms out.

DWIGHT She's in shock. We have to get her in a tub of water.



Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and splashes some in her face.

Dwight checks her pulse.

DWIGHT She's okay. She won't be able to move for awhile. Her body has to recover from the trauma. Just leave her here.

Buddy and Dwight exit.


The tub faucet still running.


The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with water.



Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses her face.

The bath water is rising above her chest.

CLOSE ON: Cindy's hand. She can barely move a finger.

CLOSE ON: (CONT'D) Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over to the chain holding the plug.

The bath water is now at Cindy's mouth.

Cindy lifts the chain with her foot, then slams down her heel up-ending the drain plug.

Relief...until she realizes the water is still rising.

Her foot digs down the drain and pulls out a clump of hair.

Water at her eyes and still rising.

Her foot hops out of the tub and grabs a plunger.

The foot plunges the drain. Still nothing. Water rising.

Cindy, head tipped back. All we see is nostrils.

Water spills out of the tub and onto the floor.

Cindy's foot grabs a pen and paper, writes a note, stuff it in a bottle, and then tosses the bottle into the spilled water.

The bottle floats away.



Water pours in the room around the group's feet.

RAY I say we leave now.

Everyone agrees.

BRENDA Wait. I'm sensing someone else in danger.

CRASH!!! A bottle smashes across Brenda's head.

SHORTY (holding a broken bottle) Don't start that shit again!

The note falls out of the bottle.

ALEX Look, a note.

BUDDY (reading note) "Help, I'm drowning - Cindy."

GROUP Cindy!!!

They all rush to the bathroom.


Cindy, totally submerged, staring fare to face with a whale. Suddenly, she is lifted out of the tub.

BUDDY You okay?

Cindy nods "yes."

BUDDY (CONT'D) Now we got everybody. Let's get out of here.




She sings a happy tune as she cooks breakfast.

Cindy, Ray, Theo, and Brenda gather around the island. Shorty enters.

SHORTY Damn, it smells good.

He reaches for a piece of bacon. Alex slaps his hand.

ALEX That's for someone special.

SHORTY I'm glad somebody got laid.

Alex smiles.

ALEX I never kiss and tell.



Shorty joins the group.

(Note: During this scene, no one is paying attention to Alex)

SHORTY Yo, there's some freaky shit in this house. Y'all hear that loud banging and screaming?

ALEX (giggles) Sorry about that.

CINDY Brenda was right. There's more to the story than the Professor told us. I found a secret room. It had all these news clippings about Hugh Kane. He was a very evil man.

ALEX (talking to the sky) Ah, they just don't know you the way I do.

CINDY I found a picture of his wife.

ALEX Wife?!

Alex grabs the plates of food and throws them in the trash.

ALEX (CONT'D) Let that bitch make you breakfast.

Cindy passes the picture to Theo.

THEO Wow! She looks just like you... except she doesn't have as many split ends as you and her skin isn't as oily.

Theo passes the picture to Ray.

RAY Yeah, and sometimes your eyes get all squinty and it looks like you got Down's Syndrome.

Brenda takes the picture from Ray.

BRENDA Yeah, girl, damn near twins... except she's more sophisticated and classy. You got that cute, trailer park look.

Brenda shows the picture to Shorty.

SHORTY No doubt... and her tits are perfect, not at all pointy or funny looking. You got them National Geographic orangutan titties.

Cindy snatches the picture back.

CINDY Okay, I get the point.

THEO So, whatever happened to her?

CINDY She killed herself a week before he died.

ALEX Oh, he was a widower. Why didn't you say that?... (addressing the sky) Don't worry, sweetie, I can whip up a new batch in a flash.

CINDY I think he wants me.

ALEX Ha! Right bitch!

Everyone looks at Alex.

THEO Cindy, that does sound a little crazy.

Buddy enters.

BUDDY She's not crazy. I saw the picture, and I'll tell you guys something else, the Professor is up to something. Him and Dwight got a whole lab set up in the basement. We're here for an experiment, alright, but it ain't insomnia. I heard Dwight tell the Professor there's a poltergeist in this house and we could be in danger.

THEO What? I'm getting outta here.

BUDDY We can't leave. The gates are locked and Dwight is the only one with the keys.

THEO Don't worry. Give me five minutes alone with Dwight. I'll get the keys.



Dwight, working on equipment, is distracted. Theo, standing in the doorway, dressed very sexy.

THEO Hello Dwight.


Theo swaggers over to Dwight.

THEO What are you working on?

DWIGHT Just a little experiment.

Theo rubs his shoulders.

THEO Work, work, work. Is that all that you do?

DWIGHT Well, there's a lot riding on this project.

Theo straddles Dwight.

THEO The Professor might have everyone else fooled, but I know who the real brains of the operation is.

DWIGHT You do.

THEO That's what turns me on about you, Dwight. You're so smart.

DWIGHT And sexy.

THEO Of course. So sexy.

She runs her fingers through his hair.

THEO (CONT'D) Ooh, you hair is so soft and silky. What do you use on it?

DWIGHT Just a little Rogaine.

Theo notices clumps of Dwight's hair has fallen out into her hands. She wipes it on his shirt.

THEO And those sexy eyes.

She removes Dwight's glasses.

CLOSE ON: Dwight's eyes, both looking in different directions. He has no muscle control.

Theo quickly puts on his glasses.

THEO What do you say we put on some music?

Theo turns on the radio.

She turns to a station.


She quickly changes the station.


Again, she changes the station.


Theo turns off the radio.

THEO (CONT'D) What do you say we make our own music?

She kneels in front of Dwight stroking his thighs.

THEO (CONT'D) You know, Dwight, I hear you're the only one who has the key to the gate.

DWIGHT That's right.

THEO What if I wanted to borrow those keys?

DWIGHT Oh, I couldn't do that.

Theo unbuttons Dwight's pants.

THEO Sure you can, baby. Look, you help by giving me the keys, and I'll help by giving you...

She pulls his dick out and is about to give him a blow job.

DWIGHT I don't need your help. I can do it myself.

Dwight starts sucking his own dick.

Theo looks on in shock. Dwight is going to town on himself. Theo grabs an object and smashes Dwight in the head, knocking him out cold. She rifles through his pockets and takes the keys.

She exits.



The group is gathered in the living room. Shorty watches TV. Theo rushes back to the group.

THEO (dangling keys) I got 'em.

BUDDY Great! We should leave before it starts to rain.

Suddenly, lightning and thunder. Rain pours against the window.

THEO I say we wait till the rain lets up, then we make a break for it.



NEWSCASTER This just in... Heavy rains will continue to plaque the region for the next two days.

BRENDA We'll just call a taxi.

NEWSCASTER Now, an update on the recent taxi strike. No progress in sight.

CINDY Hey, we can take my car.

NEWSCASTER There's been a major recall on all Japanese made cars. Auto makers warn when exposed to rain the cars explode.

LOUD BOOM and FIREBALL out window.

RAY Fuck it. We'll hike if we have to.

NEWSCASTER The bodies of six hikers were found today torn to shreds by wild animals.

SHORTY I know, we can build a plane and fly outta here.

NEWSCASTER Now, that's just fucking stupid.


BUDDY Alright then, we'll just hunker down for tonight. Maybe we'll get a break by morning.



The Professor enters and finds Dwight with his head in his lap.

PROFESSOR Dwight, what the hell are you doing? Dwight?

No answer.

The professor lifts Dwight's head and sees what he was doing.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Now that's a talent. Dwight, wake up.

Dwight slowly comes to.

DWIGHT (groggy) I can do it myself.

PROFESSOR Yeah, I can see that. Later I want you to teach me that trick, but right now we have a job to do.

DWIGHT The keys. She took the keys.

The Professor notices Buddy on the monitor, unplugging the cameras.

PROFESSOR Shit. They're onto us. Keep an eye on them. I'll take care of this little shit.

The Professor exits.



Buddy climbs down off a chair and joins Ray.

BUDDY I think we got the one's up here.

RAY I think it's time we had a little talk with the Professor.



The Professor exits the lab and heads for the stairs.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of a beautiful female ghost in flowing white robes. She illuminates a brilliant white light.

PROFESSOR Hello?... Have we met?... Hi...

The ghost lures the Professor down the corridor.


We are in a different section of the hallway.

The Professor continues to follow the ghost. He has a bit of trouble keeping up.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) (calling after) Ummmm... Hello?... Umm...

The Professor follows into yet another area of hallway.


The ghost temps the Professor into a pitch black corridor.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ummm... Are you Mrs. Hanson? (ALTERNATE) Ummm... Who are you, you gorgeous creature?

The Professor disappears into the darkness.

He takes out a lighter to illuminate his way.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Hello?... Hello? Are you hiding? (ALTERNATE) Where are you, sexy pants?

A horrific look crosses the Professor's face. The beautiful spirit morphs into Hugh Kane's Ghost.

The Professor takes a beat.

PROFESSOR (CONT'D) (resigned) What the hell? I've done worse.

The Professor walks into the darkness.




Alex sits in front of her vanity mirror, wearing a sexy robe and nightgown. She brushes her hair, humming to herself happily, full of anticipation.

She takes her perfume - "Obsession" - and dabs some on her neck, behind her ears, inside her thighs. Then she puts the bottle to her mouth and - glug, glug, glug - drinks the whole thing down like Gatorade.

Alex applies hot wax to a waxing strip then to her legs, tearing it off. Satisfied her legs are smooth, she does her underarm. She then applies a wax-soaked strip between her legs then tears it off.

ALEX Ouch!

She checks the strip to reveal her pussy lips stuck to the strip.


She puts them back between her legs.

She rises and walks over to the old 19th century-style portrait of the supposed ghost, which once hung prominently downstairs. It now sits propped up in a corner of her room with a shrine set up all around it consisting of candles, little "I love you" hearts, and her vibrator.

Alex walks over to the portrait, regards it lovingly for a moment, and then kisses the figure sweetly on the lips. Then she works her way down the portrait -- hungrily kissing, nibbling, and licking. When she pulls back, seductively, the cobwebs, dust and spiders that were clinging to the portrait are now all over her face. She doesn't care, she simply brushes them aside -- she's in love.



D.J. (O.S.) (O.S.) This one goes out to that someone special from Alex over at the Hell House. She says that even though you two have only known each other for a short time now, she feels a certain connection to you that she's never felt with any man alive. And even if it doesn't work out between you two, she wants you to know that there will always be a special place for you in the heart. So, Poltergeist, this one's for you.

Alex climbs into bed and spreads rose petals all around. Everything's ready. She sits back and waits.

While she waits, she puts the time to good use by doing some sexual calisthenics. She lies flat on her back, sticks her legs in the air, and stretches them wide apart a few times.

One-two-three-, one-two-three.

Then she gets on all fours and does a few stick -your-ass-high-in-the-air stretches. One-two-three.

Then she does the simulated oral sex gesture, first with the right hand, then with the left, making sure her forearms are nice and loose. One-two-three, one-two-three.

A few facial and mouth exercises and she's done.

ALEX Well, I'm going to sleep now. So, if there's some ghostly man out there who wants to take advantage of me, there's probably nothing that I will be able to do about it because I'm really a heavy sleeper! Okay, here I go.

Alex gets under the covers and pretends to fall asleep.

A beat and Alex opens her eyes and looks around.

ALEX (CONT'D) I'm asleep now. I really am.

She closes her eyes.

A count of ten and she sits up.



Just as the GANG is about to leave the house, a LOUD RUMBLE, along with a violent wind, all the doors and windows lock.

Everyone desperately tries to open a door or break a window.

CINDY He won't let us go. He's going to kill us.

DWIGHT Quick, everyone to the lab.



Dwight leads everyone to the basement door. He opens it. A long flight of concrete steps.

DWIGHT Those steps look kind of hard. I'm gonna need some help.

By now, the group is so used to Dwight going down steps, they simply give him a push.

Dwight goes tumbling down the hard steps. The gang running behind him.

Dwight lands hard at the bottom of the steps. The group tramples him as they rush by.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) (heroic) Don't mind me. Save yourselves.



Everyone assembled inside. Dwight finally catching up, his wheels slightly bent and his glasses, a mangled mess.

DWIGHT Quick. Lock the door.

BUDDY and SHORTY lock the door.

CINDY What are we gonna do?

DWIGHT We have to destroy him.

RAY How we gonna destroy what we can't see?

SHORTY I got it! We shave off our pubic hairs and use the shampoo for ten days. What? Ya'll never had crabs?

Dwight rolls over to a complex machine with a circle marked on the floor in front of it.

DWIGHT Ghosts are just energy fields. We can capture that energy. We can dissipate it! But in order to do that, we've got to get him in here. On that spot.

BUDDY That's great Einstein. How are we gonna do that? There's a powerful force out there ready to render us helpless, tear on our flesh, and penetrate our bodies.

RAY He's right. I should go first.

BRENDA He's so brave.

Dwight rolls over to a supply cabinet, opens it and starts to hand out equipment.

Dwight is arming the teenagers, giving them each a strange looking gun.

DWIGHT These are highly experimental guns that emit a bolt of concentrated energy able to damage ectoplasmic cells, giving it the ability to injure or even destroy a ghost. There is no ammunition. You only get three shots a piece, so use it very wisely.

Goofing with his gun, shorty fires it at Brenda's butt, burning it.


Shorty laughs.

DWIGHT Conserve your ammunition!

SHORTY Sorry...right, right...

Shorty is startled by a cockroach and shoots it.

DWIGHT The only way we're going to track down these ghosts is if we're all wearing one of these...

Dwight pulls out a DICK PUMP! They all look at him crossed.. Dwight realizes what he's holding in his hand.

BUDDY A dick pump?

DWIGHT I mean these!

Dwight holds up a pair of goggles.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) These are thermo-goggles.

The kids are putting on their goggles, trying them out.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) These can be used to track the ghosts. These goggles work on the principle of body heat. They're so powerful, they'll even show where body fluids of any kind have been recently, even if it been wiped clean.

The kids look at each other and notice Dwight has goo in his face.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) He may be invisible, but we have the advantage of being armed with the most innovative and complex high-tech equipment known to man.

BRENDA How are we gonna stay in touch with one another? Do we have walkie-talkies or something?

DWIGHT No, we have these.

Dwight brings out several sets of two paper-cups with a string attaching the two. The string is only about 10-15 feet long.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) All the money was spent on the guns and the goggles.

He hands them out.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) Let's get that bastard!

Alex points her gun at the group.

ALEX No, I won't let you do it.

CINDY Alex, what are you doing?

ALEX Shut up, you slut. You think you can take him from me? Well, over my dead body.

Alex runs out of the lab. Cindy tries to stop her. Theo steps in the way.

THEO Let her go, Cin.

CINDY But he'll kill her!

THEO That means more screen time for us.

DWIGHT Alright, let's split up.

BRENDA Every time some scary shit goes down and we need to stick together, you white folks always say "Let's split up."

THEO She's right. We should stick together.

DWIGHT Alright. Come on, you guys.

All four of the white people take off, leaving Ray, Shorty and Brenda behind.

SHORTY Ain't that some shit?

Ray, Shorty, and Brenda head off in the other direction.



Alex exits the basement, frantically searching for the ghost. She runs into the secret study.

ALEX Huey, where are you?


The ghost, in the foyer, catches sight of Alex and tries to hide. Alex sees him and starts for the foyer.

ALEX (CONT'D) Huey, Huey, baby, we have to talk!

To protect himself and do harm to her, the ghost hurls a chair at Alex in the foyer.


He hurls a statue at her.

Massive boulders come tumbling down the steps in hope of crushing her.

Alex runs into the music room, smashing through a television.

ALEX (CONT'D) Come on, baby, we can work this out.

She takes a few steps and trips over the carpet.

ALEX (CONT'D) If we just stick together no one can hurt us, love!

The piano flies up, landing on Alex.

ALEX (CONT'D) (in pain) I think we have to get a little therapy, Hun.

She crawls from under the piano.

As Alex heads for the dining room, the door slam shut. Immediately, several knives come flying at her. The knives form Alex's outline in the door.

Alex swings the doors open and enters the dining room.

Almost immediately, she's pulled (by the ghost) across the dining room table, eventually landing full force to the floor.

As she lies there, the chandelier drops from the ceiling, pinning her down.

Alex is dying.

Theo enters.

THEO Oh my god! Alex!

Theo cradles Alex's head.

ALEX I think I'm dying, Theo... I just want you to know, you're the best friend I've ever had... (she coughs, pained) Do you remember that time we met?

Theo nods, sadly.

ALEX (CONT'D) And remember the time in the sixth grade, at the dance? We wore the same dresses, but that didn't stop us from having the best time ever.

Theo looks confused.

THEO Um...we--

Alex coughs some more.

ALEX And remember that trip we took to Africa? That safari was so wonderful. Me, you...best of friends...forever.

THEO Uh, Alex, we've only know each other one day.

ALEX Oh... I guess I'll die now.

THEO Okay...maybe that would be best.

Alex closes her eyes, seemingly dying. Theo starts to get up. Suddenly, Alex opens her eyes...

ALEX Oh, remember that time I got my training bra and you --

THEO Never happened!

Theo looks at her watch, impatiently.

ALEX Right... well, bye.

Alex lays her head down and seemingly dies again. Theo starts to leave. Alex sits up again.

ALEX (CONT'D) My favorite memory was when we --

THEO Would you die already?!

Theo looks around and grabs a pillow, finally smothering Alex to death.

Theo slowly gets up, surveying the scene.




DWIGHT You check down here, I'll check upstairs.

Theo looks confused as Dwight crawls upstairs, dragging his wheelchair.



Shorty, astray from the rest of the group, tries to find Ray and Brenda.

SHORTY (loud whisper) Ray! Brenda!

Shorty takes a breather. He takes a seat and enjoys a blunt.

SHORTY (CONT'D) Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about. Fuck this ghost hunting shit. I don't know where to look for no ghost.

Shorty exhales the smoke, REVEALS the ghost sitting next to him.

GHOST (menacing) Boo!

Shorty screams and jumps to his feet.

SHORTY Yo, son, why me? What you want with me?

Shorty blows out more smoke in an effort to reveal the ghost as he bucks away. It works. Another puff and the ghost's face appears again.


SHORTY Leave me alone. Stay away from me.

Shorty continues the process of toking the blunt and blowing the smoke.

Finally, Shorty takes a huge pull, blows the smoke out, and the menacing Ghost face appears. Shorty curls in fear.

The ghost approaches Shorty. It's apparent that Shorty is a dead man. The ghost brings his face very close to Shorty's.

GHOST (playfully) Boo.

The ghost laughs, hysterically, obviously high.



Ray and Brenda.

BRENDA You hear that? She notices Shorty is gone.

BRENDA (CONT'D) Where's Shorty?

RAY I don't know. He was right behind us. Wait here. I'll be right back.


Shorty and the ghost are joking it up.




SHORTY Hey, shotgun.

Shorty blows smoke in the ghost's face. They inhale. It appears that Shorty has inhaled the ghost.

A count of two. Shorty exhales, blowing the ghost out.

GHOST That was awesome.

The ghost runs straight at the wall, and goes through it. He peeks his head through.

GHOST (CONT'D) You try.

Shorty takes a hit off the blunt then charges at the wall.

SLAM!!! Shorty knocks himself unconscious.



Cindy and Buddy enter the furnace room.

BUDDY Where the hell are we?

CINDY It looks like the furnace.

BUDDY Let's get outta here.

CINDY Wait, I want to check something. Give me a hand.

Buddy helps Cindy open the large furnace door.


The inside of the furnace. Black ashes is all that can be seen.

Cindy picks up an iron poker and pokes around the ash.

BUDDY What are you doing?

Cindy sees something. She stops.

CINDY I found Hugh Kane's wife's diary. It said Hanson the caretaker died in the furnace.

Cindy clears away the ashes to REVEAL a human skeleton.

BUDDY Well, if that's Hanson, then who's the guy with the hand?

CINDY Hugh Kane.

Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life. It rises from the ashes.

Buddy and Cindy run. The skeleton follows.

CINDY (CONT'D) Let's split up and meet at the other end.




Brenda. She hears someone yelling.

Brenda peeks around the corner. She sees Cindy running towards her. Cindy is screaming for help. Brenda ducks behind the wall.


BRENDA Now, why that bitch gotta bring that shit this way? I hope she didn't see me.

Brenda peeks around the corner. Cindy trips and falls. The skeleton gets closer.

BRENDA (CONT'D) Good! I hope that shit kills her and just leaves. God is looking out for me.

Cindy is back to her feet and hauling ass. Brenda ducks back behind the wall. She is now nervous and shaking. The screams get closer. Brenda begins to pray.

BRENDA (CONT'D) Lord, if I die, I'm going to fuck this bitch up for getting me involved.

Cindy rounds the corner to discover the dead end.

CINDY Oh my God! We're dead!

BRENDA It would've just been you, if you would've kept your mouth shut.

They hear the footsteps getting close.

CINDY It's coming!

BRENDA What ?! What is it, a monster?!

The skeleton turns the corner. Cindy sees him first.

CINDY Aahhh! There it is!!!

Brenda turns and sees the skeleton. Her fear subsides.

BRENDA Aw, shit girl. This what you're running from? He ain't nothing but a skeleton. His skinny little ass can't hurt anybody.

Brenda just stands her ground. This skeleton runs up and grabs Brenda by the arm. Brenda makes a face as if she's not very impressed.

BRENDA (CONT'D) What? ...this ain't shit.

With the skeleton still gripping her arm, Brenda raises her arm, effortlessly lifting the skeleton off the ground. It hangs there, looking worried and looking down at it's feet dangling.

BRENDA (CONT'D) (to Cindy) It's just a bunch of old bones. No muscle, no strength. He hardly even weighs anything.

She flicks the skeleton off her arm. It hits the ground. Dazed, it gets back on it's feet. Brenda stomps her feet and moves like she's going to jump at it. The skeleton cowers, throwing up its arms and looking scared.

BRENDA (CONT'D) What you gonna do?

As the skeleton tries to run, Brenda plucks off its head. Cindy smiles, realizing the skeleton poses no threat.

Skeleton Head Hey, give it back.

Brenda and Cindy play Keep-Away with the skull. The skeleton's headless body running back and forth between them, arms flailing, trying desperately to get its head back.

Finally, Cindy catches the skull, moves aside and sticks her leg out, tripping the body. It tumbles to the wall and lies there.

Brenda reaches down and grabs the bottom section of the skeleton's spine, destabilizing the body. Like a house of cards, all of the bones crash down into a heap.

Brenda holds a bone to her head.

BRENDA Hey, look, I'm Wilma Flintstone.

CINDY Hey, I have an idea...



The skeleton is put back together, but completely messed up. It's hopping on one hand, it's head stuck on its tail bone, one leg sticking balanced on top of the rib cage, etc.

BRENDA Go on, get out of here.

The skeleton goes hopping along the hallway, humiliated.



Buddy joins Cindy and Brenda.

BUDDY You guys okay?

BRENDA Yeah, it takes more than a bag of bones to scare me.

Suddenly, Buddy is lifted off his feet, his arms and legs swinging wildly.

CINDY Oh my God, the ghost has Buddy! Brenda do something!


Brenda takes off running. Cindy watches, confused.


Cindy fires at the pipes, one burst. The steam REVEALS the ghost.

Cindy has a clean shot. She takes it.

The ghost is hit. He drops Buddy and flees.

Buddy falls, bangs his head.

CINDY (rushing to Buddy) Are you okay?

Buddy checks his head.

BUDDY Yeah, I think I'm bleeding.

CINDY Come on. There's a first aid kit in the lab.

Cindy helps Buddy to his feet. They head to the lab.




The Ghost enters to see that the room is no longer a mess, but has been cleaned with a woman's touch.

First, he spots a teddy bear sitting in his chair.

He sees flowers placed around his portrait.

A vase of roses on his desk.

There are a pair of woman's panties on the desk lamp. He picks them up to inspect them. Disgusted, he throws the panties on the floor.

The ghost then catches sight of a three-layered wedding cake set on a table.

Finally, he sees that Alex has pasted a photo of her face, over the face of his beloved Carolyn in her portrait. This sends him into a tirade.

He smashes the vase of flowers to the floor, before doing the same to the wedding cake.

The ghost smashes the mirror.

Finally, he tears Alex's photo from the painting.




Cindy is tending to Buddy.

BUDDY Cindy, I've been thinking about this whole friend thing. I never had a friend that cares for me the way you do...I mean, there's Ray, but he cares for me in a different way. You know, bringing me flowers. Running my bath water. And then there's nights I wake up screaming and I look over and Ray's in my bed. Holding me. And seeing that tonight might be our last night together, I was thinking...

CINDY That we should take our friendship a little further?

BUDDY Yes...

CINDY Oh, Buddy, I was thinking the same thing. It might be our last night in this house. And I think we should take full advantage of it.

BUDDY (excited) I was thinking the same thing.

He pops a mint in his mouth and unbuckles his pants.

CINDY (lost in thought) We should act out our inner most fantasies.

BUDDY Great!!!

CINDY Like, I've always wanted to walk on the moon.


Cindy turns around and does a slow motion imitation of an astronaut.

CINDY What about you, Buddy?

BUDDY Well, I was hoping to get my balls licked.

They hear a noise.

CINDY He's here.


Cindy gets an idea. She runs in the freezer, and grabs several bags of blood.

Suddenly, she hears a noise.

Cindy stops and looks around. She sees nothing.

Cindy begins to open bags of blood and pours them on the floor. She empties out all of the blood.

Suddenly the phone rings. She answers.

CINDY Hello?


A DOCTOR is on the phone talking with Cindy. A DYING LITTLE BOY lays in the hospital bed with his PARENTS standing over him, crying.

DOCTOR Yes, this is Doctor Peterson. I'm calling for Dwight Hartman. He was storing some blood over there for me. It's for a little boy who's in desperate need of a blood transfusion.



Cindy, on phone looks down at all the blood spilled out on the floor, shocked.

CINDY (Mexican accent) Dwight Hartman, no live here.

Cindy slams down the phone.

She watches the blood carefully, looking for footprints. She sees nothing. Behind her, she hears a noise.

She turns and is slapped hard in the face by the ghost.

She raises her gun, but the ghost is too quick. He smacks it from her hand.


The ghost smacks Cindy, sending her flying into the freezer.

Cindy falls hard, hitting her head, and dazing her for a brief moment.

Buddy attacks the ghost.

The ghost is strong and easily punches Buddy around.

Buddy is thrown into the freezer. He's hurt.

Cindy gets up and rushes to help Buddy.


Suddenly, the door locks and is bolted shut.


The temperature gauge is broken. The temperature begins to drop.

Cindy rushes to the door. Through the window, she sees the ghost leave.

BUDDY We gotta call for help.

Cindy holds up her cup and talks into it.

CINDY Hello? Do you read me? Come in... It's useless. They don't work in here... must be the walls or something.



Dwight is looking for the ghost. Dwight sees the ghost through his goggles. The ghost is playing hide-and-seek with Dwight.

DWIGHT (angry) Come on you coward! Show yourself! Fight me like a man.

Suddenly, Dwight's wheelchair is rammed by another wheelchair driven by the ghost.

Dwight takes off. The ghost follows.

Dwight and the ghost zigzag down the hallway bumping and cutting each other off.


The wheels of the two chairs lock together sending them into a 360 degree spin.

Dwight, his hair is flowing.

Matching shot of the ghost.

The chair crashes into the banister. It breaks the back of Dwight's charm which dangerously hangs over the edge.

Dwight gains control. As the ghost chair approaches, Dwight speeds towards the ghost.

Just before the chairs pass each other, Dwight leaps out and hangs on the side, firing his gun at the ghost.

The ghost ducks and the shot misses him.

Dwight is dragged painfully through the hallway smashing into open doors, statues, cupboards. Finally, Dwight leaps back into the chair.

Not a moment to soon. The ghost chair whips in front of Dwight.

Dwight thinks fast. He uses a broken table as a ramp. He catches some good air.

Dwight lands, slams on the brakes, sending his chair tipping forward. Dwight shows his skills by spinning his chair as it balances on the front wheels.

Dwight and the ghost chair now are at opposite ends of the hall.

The scene plays very dramatic and in SLOW-MOTION. Dwight in his wheelchair at one end of the hall and the ghost in his wheelchair at the other end. WHITE DOVES begin to flutter through the hallway ala a "JOHN WOO" movie.

One of the doves flies by in slow motion. It plops right on his face.

The tires of Dwight's wheelchair begin spinning and squealing, burning rubber and causing smoke to come from the tire.

The ghost's wheelchair tires burn rubber and starts barreling toward Dwight at full (wheelchair) speed. Dwight starts rolling with all his might toward the ghost in his wheelchair. Coming towards each other like the motorcycle scene in "MI:2".



It speeds towards Dwight.



He speeds toward the ghost in his chair. Dwight is going so fast that his hair is blowing back and bugs start splattering up against his face and sunglasses.

Like two speeding trains, Dwight and the ghost are headed right towards one another.



One of his tires blows out. We see that it reads "FIRESTONE."

Dwight still races towards the ghost. Right when they are about to collide head on, Dwight leaps up out of his wheelchair and the ghost leaps out of his wheelchair.

The two wheelchairs impact and EXPLODE!!!

Dwight goes to grab the ghost, but he goes right through it and goes crashing out of the window at the end of the hallway.

DWIGHT (CONT'D) Noooo!!!!!


Dwight, dangling from a statue on the house exterior. He's slipping, losing his grip.

Suddenly, in the window above, appears Hanson. He extends his little arm out to Dwight.

HANSON Here. Take my hand.


Hanson's nubby little hand.

HANSON (CONT'D) Come on. Take it.

Dwight can't bring himself to touch the little hand. He looks at the ground below. It's sure death if he falls.

Hanson reaches further. We see his fingers as they touch Dwight's hand.

DWIGHT Ahhhh!!!

Dwight lets go and falls to his death.


Frost has built up on the window. Icicles hang off of our hero's.

BUDDY (practically frozen stiff) What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I can't move, I'm so cold.

CINDY (rubbing his legs) Can you feel that?

BUDDY No. Try a little higher.

Cindy starts rubbing his thighs.

CINDY Feel that?

BUDDY (enjoying it) No. Keep rubbing.

Cindy starts rubbing harder.

BUDDY (CONT'D) Better try a little higher.

CINDY (catching on) Now, come on -- you know I'm not ready for that kind of -

BUDDY Cindy, please! It's a matter of life and death. I'm asking you a friend.

CINDY Well... okay...but only as a friend.

Cindy makes ready to start rubbing Buddy's dick. Buddy leans back, getting ready to enjoy it. He puts his arms around his head, but then realizes that this whole thing depends on Cindy believing that he can't move his arms, so he quickly puts them back where they were before Cindy realizes what he's done.

Cindy is still rubbing Buddy's crotch.

BUDDY I'm coming!


Cindy, eyes wide as she looks down. She jumps back just as the goo flies towards her.


The goo. It freezes in mid-air.

Cindy knows there's no more time to waste.

She desperately scrambles for a way out. She tries the door, but it's bolted shut. She looks over to see some loose nuts and bolts, a wire and a defibrillator. She goes to work piecing something together, MacGyver-style.

Quick cuts of her snapping a wire loose.

She magnetizes the nuts and bolts.

She turns on the defibrillator.

We pull back to reveal Cindy has built with the loose scraps a CAT BULLDOZER.

Cindy helps Buddy out of the freezer.

CINDY You stay here. I've got to warn the others.

Cindy exits.



CINDY (into her cup) Come in somebody. Can you hear me?

RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) This is Ray. What's up? Where are you?

CINDY The ghost is close. He almost got us. Buddy is hurt.

RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) What's your location? I repeat, what's your location?

CINDY Right behind you.

REVEAL: Cindy standing behind Ray.

RAY Roger that we're on our way over.

Ray turns to Cindy.

CINDY Where's Shorty?

RAY I don't know. He was right behind me a minute ago.



MUSIC: The same gentle piano music as in "Hannibal."

Cindy walks into the kitchen and sees Shorty seated at he table, strapped to a chair. Hanson is nearby, grilling something on a portable grill and conversing amiably with Shorty.

Alarmed, Cindy grabs a snow globe.


Cindy hides the snow globe behind her back.

HANSON Ah, Cindy. Sit down, dear. Dinner's almost ready.

Cindy manages a smile and nears the table.

HANSON (CONT'D) Oh, and the little weapon you're hiding? Put it on the table.

Caught, Cindy sheepishly places the snow globe on the table and moves to sit.

HANSON (CONT'D) Come now, give it up.

Cindy pulls a heavy little statuette from under her shirt and clunks it down next to the snow globe.

Hanson shakes his head no and gestures for her to come clean with what else she has.

Cindy keeps pulling out more weaponry, tossing it on the table. a bear-trap, a crowbar, a medieval battle axe, a crossbow, case of dynamite, and a Star Wars lightsaber, which she turns on and tosses onto the pile.

Cindy sits. Hanson goes back to his cooking.

CINDY (whispering) Shorty, are you alright? Speak to me!

Shorty is slumped and dazed, drooling on himself. Cindy notices some hypodermic needles, chloroform and a rag.

CINDY (CONT'D) (to Hanson) Morphine? chloroform? Horse tranquilizers? You've drugged him!

HANSON No, actually, I found him like this. That's his stuff.

With growing alarm, Cindy notices a cookbook on the table: "Martha Stewart's Easy Brain Recipes", featuring a picture of a pleasantly smiling Martha Stewart on the cover, her mouth and chin soaked in blood and gore, clutching a chewed brain in her hand.

HANSON (CONT'D) Sit down and join us, Cindy.

SHORTY (to Cindy) Yeah, I always wanted to watch you eat.

CINDY She'd have to be really pretty and I'd have to be very drunk.

SHORTY (delirious) I'm going to work in Washington, Cindy.

CINDY Are you?

SHORTY That's where my best customers are. Marion Berry, George Bush, the Redskins. I'd like to offer you a job, Cindy. Can you type? Take dictation? Swallow balloons filled with cocaine?

HANSON Now you're being rude, Shorty.

SHORTY Washington is full of cornpone country pussy - just ask Jesse Jackson.

Hanson puts down his spatula and steps to Shorty.

HANSON Alright! Everyone ready for the main course?

Hanson pulls off Shorty's sweatband and take a can opener to Shorty's head, running it all the way around the crown as Cindy looks on in horror.

Cindy gasps as Hanson lifts off the top of Shorty's head, revealing his brain. It's a sad sight. Small and underdeveloped, it's surrounded by smoke. Corroded and half smoked away. There's a small band-aid on it.

Hanson puts the top of Shorty's skull on his own head, hair and all.

HANSON (CONT'D) (a la Shorty, gesturing with a little hand) Yo son, check this out.

SHORTY Dog, you look hot.

Hanson grabs a knife and goes to carve the brain.

CINDY Hanson, please.

HANSON Don't worry Cindy, the brain itself feels no pain.

Hanson cuts into it. The brain screams in fright and shrinks away from the knife, compressing itself into a corner of Shorty's skull.

Hanson stabs over and over, the brain gracefully avoiding being cut, moving from corner to corner of the skull. It trembles.

Hanson watches and aims carefully, finally sticking the knife into the brain.

HANSON (CONT'D) It's such a fascinating organ.

Hanson points out a section.

HANSON (CONT'D) This part here controls intelligence. Watch what happens when I touch it.

Hanson touches it.

SHORTY (suddenly smart, with a British accent) Salutations, offspring. The fecal matter is infirm. By the by, I do not wish to monopolize the conversation, but I believe I've just figured out the cure for cancer. It's really quite simple--

Hanson takes his finger off the brain and points out another section:

HANSON And this part controls a person's manners.

Shorty starts to belch and fart uncontrollably, wetting his pants.

CINDY Stop touching his brain!

HANSON Um, I'm not touching anything.

SHORTY Sorry, y'all. My bad.

HANSON Shorty, why don't you say grace?

SHORTY Me? Grace? Okay - Dear God -

Just as Shorty bows his head, the little brain plops out onto the table. Hanson picks it up and puts it back in.


Hanson now carves a little section of the brain.

HANSON This part removes the sense of humor.

SHORTY I am Tom Green, I am Tom Green. Daddy want some sausage, sausage. Daddy want some sausage...

Hanson drops the piece of brain on the frying pan.

Cindy looks over and looks at the grill Hanson is using. A logo in the side reads: "the George Foreman Brain Grill", with a picture of George Foreman's smiling head next to the words. The top of George Foreman's head is missing, revealing his brain.

Hanson takes the brain tidbit off the pan -- it has grill marks now, and serves it to Shorty.

Shorty starts hooking up the piece of brain with the hot sauce, pepper, salt, "A-1" steak sauce, melted velveta cheese, etc...

Hanson starts scraping the leftovers off the dishes into Shorty's head.

Cindy grabs the snowglobe and goes after Hanson, but Hanson grabs her just as it's about to strike and slams her back against the refrigerator, getting in her face, locking her hair in the door and breaking off the handle.

HANSON Tell me, Cindy. Would you ever tell me "Stop. If you loved me you'd stop."

CINDY Not in a thousand years.

Hanson leans in and presses a kiss against Cindy's lips.

CINDY (CONT'D) (muffled) Stop!-

HANSON (pulling away) Made you say it!

Suddenly OFF SCREEN we hear handcuffs clicking closed.

Pull back and reveal that she's handcuffed his small hand to her. The handcuff is extremely loose on his hand.

OFF SCREEN Hanson hears Brenda and Theo approaching. Looking around, he grabs a cleaver. Then he slams his and Cindy's cuffed hands on the kitchen counter.

HANSON (CONT'D) It looks like I'll have to give you something to remember me by...This is really going to hurt.

Cleaver come down hard.

CU of Cindy screaming in SLO-MO.

REVEAL Hanson's crooked penis on the counter, the foreskin cut-off.

HANSON (CONT'D) I've been meaning to do this since my Bar Mitzvah... Here.

Hanson hands her the piece of foreskin.

As she stares at in horrified shock, Hanson slips his baby hand out of the cuffs, no problem, and runs off.

Cindy runs after him, hair still caught, dragging the refrigerator after her.

Theo and Brenda arrive.

BRENDA Cindy, what's going on?

CINDY It's Hanson, he's evil. Let's get him!

The girls free Cindy and they run off. Cindy's hair is frozen stiff in the air with a pork chop stuck to it. They leave Shorty behind, passed out at the table.



Ray and Buddy are scoping out the area.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

As the knob begins to turn, Buddy and Ray take aim.

The door opens. A very disheveled Dwight, on his hands and knees, appears.

DWIGHT Ouch... (ALTERNATE) Mommy...

Buddy and Ray help Dwight into a chair.

BUDDY Dwight, are you okay?

DWIGHT I can't feel my legs.

RAY You never could feel your legs.

DWIGHT What do you know about it?!... Listen, the ghost is too powerful. The only chance we have is to use this machine. (to Buddy) I need you to go get the others and meet us upstairs.

BUDDY Okay...

Buddy runs out.

DWIGHT (hesitantly) Alright... I might need your help.

RAY My help?

DWIGHT A little bit... Give me your belt.

RAY I'm not even wearing any drawers. Forget about a belt.

DWIGHT Okay, give me my belt.

Ray checks Dwight's pants.

RAY You're not wearing a belt.

DWIGHT Alright, go to the belt store...




Cindy, Brenda, and Theo start to lose articles of clothing.

Cindy removes a pin and lets down her hair.



Our girls now resemble "Charlie's Angels."

Hanson comes upon a locked gate and cartwheels between it.

Brenda and Theo brace their hand and help Cindy over the gate.

Cindy leaps over the fence and grabs a chain hanging from the ceiling and swings toward the Hanson. She kicks him in the chest. He falls to the floor.

Cindy drops from the chain as Brenda and Brenda climb the gate in cat-like fashion.

Hanson rises to his feet and strikes a defensive pose.

It's Cindy and Hanson. She takes a running leap and kick at Hanson ala Cameron Diaz in "Charlie's Angels." She slowly moves through the air at him until Hanson picks up a bat.

Cindy sees this and begins to back peddle, but it's too late. Hanson swings and connects. SWACK!! He beans her in the head and she goes flying.

The girls gather again on the other side in front if a fountain and assume the famous "Charlie's's Angels" pose with Theo and Brenda holding one leg up as Cindy squats in the middle. Now with the fountain behind them, it appears all girls are taking a piss.


The girls are closing in. Hanson knows it.

THEO Brenda!

Hanson snatches one of Brenda's braids and runs it under his nose smelling it like the villain in "Charlie's Angels."

Brenda, angry, assumes a fierce, expert looking Kung Fu pose -- but then breaks into a girlish schoolyard fighting technique, arms pin-wheeling, etc.

Hanson then takes on Theo. She runs to back wall, flips and roundhouse kicks him.

Hanson throws Theo into a wall.

Her boobs expand and break her fall.

It's now just Cindy and Hanson. Cindy begins to display different Kung Fu fight techniques.

CINDY The Crane style!

She does CRANE-like fighting moves --

CINDY (CONT'D) The Crouching Tiger style!

She does TIGER-like fighting moves --

CINDY (CONT'D) The Drunk Monkey!

Cindy starts stumbling around the room, acting drunk and making monkey noises.

CINDY (CONT'D) The Mad Cow!

Cindy frowns, making a mad face and starts "mooing" like a cow!

CINDY (CONT'D) The Horny dog!

Cindy begins humping Hanson's leg wildly. Then she gets carried away with her impressions of different animals, a deer, a bear, etc. Hanson watches her totally entertained.

CINDY (CONT'D) The Camel Toe!

This move disgusts Hanson.

Cindy does the "Crouching Tiger" tornado-spin upwards and land on a higher level,,,,(JOKE TO COME).

Cindy finishes her moves and backs-up as Hanson starts to short circuit.

The girls run in and they all watch the ghost starting to combust.

Buddy runs up from the hall to the fence.

BUDDY You gotta get out of there!

He holds open the gate as the girls run down the hall.

They give one last look back as Hanson explodes.

Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo run to the lab.



Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo enter to find Ray and Dwight there.

DWIGHT There's only one thing left to do. You guys, go upstairs and get the machine ready!



The group is gathered. Dwight is strapped to Ray's back.

DWIGHT Someone is going to have to lure him onto the platform.

CINDY I'll go.

BUDDY Cindy, Let me...

CINDY No, Buddy, I'm the one he wants.

BUDDY Actually, I was going to say let me have your computer if you die.

Cindy moves to the foyer.

DWIGHT Cool, but remember, as soon as he gets on the platform you gotta get out of there. (ALTERNATE:) Nobody wants to go.

CINDY Alright, let's take a vote...

Rest to come...

Cindy crosses into the foyer. Buddy, Ray, Dwight, and Theo stand in the doorway.

The machine is gathered at the bottom of the steps. Cindy moves about, yelling to the ghost.

CINDY (CONT'D) Hugh Kane, it's me you want, come get me! I'm not afraid anymore! Show yourself!

Suddenly, the foyer windows explode. The ghost breaks through the window. Coming down the steps, he trips and falls. The ghost rises into frame, stepping on the machine.

GHOST Prepare to die! (ALTERNATE LINE:) Now you will be mine forever!

Cindy stands in the circle.

Buddy throws the switch.

A digital read-out... 10...9...8...7...

BUDDY Cindy, get outta there. You'll be killed. (ALTERNATE:) Do something, Dwight!

DWIGHT I can't, she's still on the platform. If I throw the switch she'll die. Ahh! No!!!

RAY I'll get her.

With no concern for his safety, Ray, still with Dwight strapped to his back, bolts towards Cindy.


Ray. He's running in dramatic slo-mo.

THEO Why is he running so slow?

Brenda shrugs.

BRENDA Ray, run faster.

RAY Okay.

Ray looks back and nods. He breaks outta slo-mo and speeds towards Cindy.

Digital read-out...3...2... 1... Ray tackles Cindy, hurling her out of the way just as the machine's energy field zaps the ghost.

Cindy, Ray and Dwight hit the ground with a bone-jarring impact.

CINDY Ray, you saved my life. Are you okay?

RAY Yeah, I broke my fall.

Dwight, all wuzzy, complains.

The force-field turns on and the ghost is instantly in agony. He screams.

Cindy manages to drag herself to the ghost.

CINDY Don't fight it. Let it go. It's time for you. Rest time. Peace. Carolyn is waiting for you on the other side.

These words make the ghost relax. His evil expression changes.

CINDY (CONT'D) Yes, go to her. You will be together with her for eternity.

A brilliant, heavenly light ala the final scene in "GHOST."

Syrupy music begins to play.

The ghost smiles. He places his hand against Cindy's as a kind of gesture of good-bye.

Music swells.

Ghost rises towards the light.

CINDY (CONT'D) Goodbye, Hugh Kane.

GHOST Take care of yourself, Cindy.

Suddenly, another ghost appears. It's Alex. Ray, Dwight and Cindy turn their heads from the bright light.

ALEX There you are, my love. I've been looking for you. Now we can be together forever.

The ghost's expression changes to fear. He begins to leave...

ALEX (CONT'D) Don't you float away from me.


ALEX Don't you run from me!... I'm coming my love!

In a flash, both Alex and the Ghost are sucked into the light and disappear.



As the Ghost goes off to his wretched eternal fate with Alex in the afterlife, the kids look around at each other. Outside the window, dawn is beginning to break. Birds are chirping.

RAY We did it, you guys! We made it!

The gang--Cindy, Brenda, Ray, Buddy, Theo and Dwight--hug. Shorty wanders into the room.

SHORTY Hey, y'all! What's going on?

CINDY Shorty! You're alive!! But...what about your head?

SHORTY That turned out to be a good thing! It's gonna make smuggling a whole lot easier. Remember that weed? I'm about to get paid.

Cindy and Shorty hug.

CINDY (triumphant) Come on, guys Let's get out of here.

Suddenly, the door opens. A ray of blinding sunlight floods the room. Father McFeely enters with some COPS and EMTS.

FATHER MCFEELY I'm afraid we're too late.

The kids watch, confused, as the priest and the officers rush past without acknowledging they're even there. The kids look bewildered.


COP #2 I found one in the kitchen.

COP #3 runs up to Cop #1 and Cop #2, very excited.

COP #3 There's ass, blood and guts everywhere!

Cop #1 gives them the "thumbs up" and walks away without saying a word. Cop #3 and Cop #3 walk away. On the back of each of their jackets reads "DIRECTOR'S RELATIVE." Then Cop #1 walks away revealing the back of his jacket,"JUST AN EXTRA."

Cindy runs up to Father McFeely.

CINDY Father!

MCFEELY My child, you're alive!

CINDY Yes, we made it!

MCFEELY We? What do you mean ...we?

CINDY Me and my friends... You see there was this ghost. He came out of nowhere and....

MCFEELY My child you are the only survivor.

CINDY No, my friends are right here!

The kids stand in a group behind Cindy, but McFeely looks right through them.

MCFEELY I'm sorry.

CINDY Father, I don't understand. Tell me what happened?

MCFEELY Soon, but first I must bless this house.

McFeely walks off.

Ray and Dwight, still strapped to each other, watch the entire scenario. They look at the others.

RAY You mean to tell me we're dead!

DWIGHT I guess so.

Ray undoes his belt and Dwight falls of his back. Dwight tries to stand up, but even though he's dead, his legs don't work.

CINDY Noooooooo!

Suddenly, a bus (or car) drives through, smashing Cindy.



Version #5


Cindy sits at her desk talking to someone off screen.

CINDY Now that we're out of the house and back at school, I know that everything's going to be okay. I'm doubly lucky that I made it out of the house with you...

Reveal Cindy is talking to the bird.

BIRD Will you just shut up? Shut the fuck up!


CINDY Hello? Oh hi Dad. Yeah, I'm so happy to be back in college. I love my new roommate, but I have to say I was a little nervous at first because she's so religious.

Show Megan fucking herself with a crucifix.

MEGAN Let Jesus fuck me!

Megan's head spins around, then she spews green vomit and piss everywhere.

CINDY And I got the cutest little parrot. Birds are such clean animals, he's no trouble at all!

BIRD Uh, what do they put in this birdseed?

The bird sprays shit out his ass all over her wall.

CINDY Sorry to bother you about this, Dad but I need you to send me some more money.

CINDY (CONT'D) For some reason, the college wouldn't accept the cash you sent for my tuition.

She looks at a stack of 100's that are obviously counterfeit smeared ink, "One Hundred Dollars" spelled wrong, Ben Franklin in dreadlocks.

Cindy loads some items into a care package; a copy of "The Hurricane," a shank, a zip gun, a file, a carton of cigarettes.

CINDY (CONT'D) Keep checking your mailbox, I'm sending you a care package. Oh, and I'm putting in a little something for your bitch Dwayne.

She puts an industrial-size bottle of "Ass-troglide" into the box.

There's a knock at the door.

CINDY (CONT'D) There's Buddy! Gotta go! Bye Dad!

Cindy opens the door, and Buddy is waiting there with a bunch of flowers. Cindy smiles, then punches him through the flowers, in the chest.

CINDY (CONT'D) Open chest!

Buddy is sprawled on the floor with the wind knocked out of him, flowers everywhere.

CINDY (CONT'D) Gotta be faster than that, thimble dick!


Megan keeps spewing and swearing.

REGAN Fuck me! Fuck me!

BIRD Girl, I wouldn't fuck you if I was lying in the desert dying of thirst, with buzzards all around, and your ass was a water fountain.



Tommy is pacing up and down the hall, shaking uncontrollably. Ray walks up.

RAY Yo' Tommy, what up, man?

TOMMY I'm totally freakin' dude. I keep having these nightmares, then I wake up screaming with these awful back spasms. I can't take it anymore, man.

RAY Aww, man. You just need to chill out. Come on, there's this party tonight it's gonna be fun. Lot's of alcohol and honeys.

TOMMY Alright, but I ain't drinking. and you're gonna have to look after me.

RAY Don't worry, I got your back.

Ray puts his arm around Tommy and they walk off down the hall.

We see a TATTOO "RAY FUCKED ME." on his back. Ray moves his hand and we see another tattoo that says ..."AGAIN!"



Buddy and Cindy exit the dorm. Buddy stops Cindy on the steps.

BUDDY There's something I really want to share with you.

CINDY There's something I want to share with you too. Here, smell this.

Cindy swipes her finger under Buddy's nose. Buddy reacts, and Cindy runs off.


Cindy and Buddy are sitting under a tree together.

BUDDY Cindy, about this whole friendship thing ...

CINDY Yeah, I know, I just love having a guy for a friend.

BUDDY I know, but I've been thinking --

CINDY (interrupting) I know, but I've been thinking --

BUDDY Listen to me I --

CINDY (interrupting) Listen to me I --

BUDDY Look, what I'm trying to say --

CINDY (smiling, fucking with him) Look, what I'm trying to say --

Buddy slaps Cindy in the back of the head.

BUDDY Stop it! I'm just trying to say I think we should take our friendship to the next level.


BUDDY I don't want to be your friend like this anymore.

CINDY Then what are we going to do?

BUDDY You know, walking on the beach, holding hands, kissing, making love...

CINDY That sounds kinda gay, but since you're a guy, I guess it's okay.

BUDDY Let's get a hot dog.

They get up and start walking. Buddy sees a bee and protects her from it.

BUDDY (CONT'D) Hey, look out, a bee!

CINDY (charmed) Oh, Buddy, I've never had someone be so protective of me!

BUDDY That's what your man is supposed to do.



Cindy and Buddy come upon an ICE CREAM VENDOR busy working on his cart.

BUDDY Hey, wanna' share a soda?

CINDY Oh, Buddy, that's so romantic.

BUDDY Yeah. (then) Can I borrow five bucks?

Cindy pulls the cash out of her pocket.

CINDY What should we get?

BUDDY I don't care. You pick.

CINDY Hot dogs.

The vendor turns to reveal it's Hanson.

CINDY (CONT'D) Oh my God! Buddy, what are we going to do?

No response. Cindy turns to see Buddy sprinting across the campus.

CINDY (CONT'D) It was you...

HANSON Yes, it was me all along. I killed Hugh Kane and his mistress.

CINDY Both of them?

HANSON Didn't I just say that? Fucking listen. Anyway, I did it all for Carolyn. He never appreciated her, but I worshipped that woman and still she rejected me. So, I came back for you. Just like I did for Carolyn.

CINDY This can't be happening?

HANSON Now you'll be mine, Cindy.

Hanson moves toward Cindy.

CINDY Noooo!!!

HANSON Yes!!!!

BLAM! Hanson is blindsided by a car which misses Cindy by mere inches, but kills him dead.


SHORTY is driving the car, surprised by the thud.


A girl with a BAG over her head (the ghoul), lifts her head up off his lap, revealing a hole in the bag through which she was blowing him, as we...





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